Dogs and Jeans

Friday Demotivation - Some Butts

2012-01-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to another Friday of Dogs & Jeans' all-original Demotivational Posters. While there is not theme, this week, be prepared for Super Bowl and Valentines Demotivation coming over the next few weeks.

This week, please enjoy to posters, have some laughs and see if you can spot the butts. After all, everyone like butts, even White Supremacists and the infirm.

Pity the Quiz Masters

2012-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

The recent admission by Pat Sajak that he often hosted "Wheel of Fortune" while under the influence of alcohol has given other Game Show Hosts the courage to confess their own personal demons. The following list reveals inner battles and private shames so deep, it makes their professional successes all the more remarkable:

Bob Eubanks - childhood bet-wetter
Wink Martindale - unable to carry a tune
Bob Barker - lactose intolerant
Chuck Woolery - believes the touring cast of The Village People are all the original band members.
Tom Bergeron - crippling fear of heights
Alex Trebek - Canadian
Drew Carey - cannot distinguish Coke from Pepsi
Dick Clark - allergic to cats
Peter Marshall - secret vegetarian
Bert Convey - burns easily outdoors
Jeff Foxworthy - cannot read his own handwriting
Chris Harrison - is a virgin
John Davidson - considers parallel parking a sin

What's In It For Me Obama?

2012-01-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

Many people listening to the bold statements made in President Obama’s State of the Union address last night were wondering:

“What’s In It For Me, Obama?”

It’s all well and good to make a bunch of promises about “moving forward together” and “reviving the American Dream”, but how will the President’s specific initiatives affect the average citizen? Dogs & Jeans is here to explain it to you.

Proposal: The creation of a China task force to monitor trade violations. Aggressive inspections will intercept "counterfeit or unsafe goods" from foreign countries.

Impact: Three years from now, we will all be talking about the multiple Oscar nominations for Paul Haggis’ film “China Task Force” staring Ryan Gosling as Michelle Monaghan as inspectors who run afoul of the Chinese government and an unscrupulous US bureaucrat.

Proposal: Support for partnerships between companies and community colleges to train workers for new careers, all coordinated through a single government program.

Impact: When you are asked ‘Do you want fries with that?” you can be assured that employee has received the best possible education McDonalds can fund.

Proposal: State laws that require students to stay in school until graduation or age 18.

Impact: You know how effective schools are at enforcing existing rules about drug use and weapons possession? Exactly.

Proposal: Beefed-up border protection, combined with a law to create a path for undocumented immigrant students to become legal U.S. citizens.

Impact: While illegal immigrants from Mexico and South East Asia will continue to arrive in America, we will now be safe from vacationing Canadians.

Proposal: Opening of offshore gas and oil fields to exploration and production.

Impact: Increased profits for U.S spill containment and clean up companies.

Proposal: Implementation of cost-saving reforms to Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security.

Impact: The sick and elderly will be freed of their life’s aliments in a quasi-religious ceremony known as Carousel

Proposal: Continuing international pressure on Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program.

Impact: Iranian reprisals on the U.S. such as banning citizens from vacationing at Iranian ski resorts, restricting the ownership of Tehran real estate and an export embargo of all Iranian produced motion pictures.

Obama's Broken Promises

2012-01-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

President Obama will speak to the nation tonight in his annual State of Union address. Perhaps no speech to Congress has been more important for the President who faces an uncertain re-election prospect this November. Amid new initiatives for economic reform, education and health care, Obama will also come under fire for failed promises he made in past years' addresses.

Some commitments he has been unable to keep, such as reducing unemployment and closing the Guantanamo Bay facility, are easy to spot. Some pledges, however, were more obscure and it will not come as a shock that the President could not fulfil them:

Unkept Vows:

Recognize that butter tarts are a unique desert despite their resemblance to pies and celebrate them on a separate event from National Pie Day.
Cure baldness.
Find the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
Floss everyday!
Convince Stephen Bochco to put his short-lived musical drama "Cop Rock" back on TV.
Gain enough support for the WNBA to make it at least as popular as professional hockey.
Really get his abs to "pop" once and for all!

Build a dam somewhere. Every President needs a dam.
Finally get around to watching the "Lord of The Rings" trilogy.
Bring Nova Scotia into the Union as the 51st state.
Figure out how to resurrect Whitney Huston's career.

Gingrich Takes The Edge Off

2012-01-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

After his big win in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich is inching closer to the Republican nomination. However, his campaign strategists fear his appeal may be too restricted to hard-line conservative. For Newt to win the nomination without causing rifts within the party (that will hurt him in the Presidential election) he must broaden his appeal. Voters can expect the former Speaker of the House to take a more centrist position on some issues designed to gain the support of both liberals and the undecided.

Dogs & Jeans has obtained an advance copy of the new platform:

BIRTHDAYS
Yes, the Democrats have a head start on "loot-bag" politics, but the Republican party has determined birthdays are fun and will fully support the celebration and the general merriment associated with birthdays. Furthermore, the party recognizes America's diverse cultures and acknowledges bar/bat mitzvahs as "extra special."

KITTENS
Kittens are soft and fluffy. A Gingrich administration will promote the advancement of cuddling and playing with kittens with balls of string or ribbons. From now on, all his campaign commercials will be produced by the same people who brought you the Cottonelle kitten.

RAINBOWS
Rainbows, along with sunshine, gentle summer breezes and puffy white clouds, provide essential elements of daily American life. Newt Gingrich commits to preserving our inherent right as a nation to fully enjoy such aspects of our heritage free from persecution.

LAUGHTER
While other candidates have sought to restrict a person's access to laughter and all things humorous, a Gingrich government will encourage participation in such laughter-inducing activities as jokes, riddles and limericks. States will retain the right to manage tickling and mild horseplay.

Winter Demotivation

2012-01-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

Much of North America is locked in the icy grip of winter. Roads have become treacherous, snow has forced the closure of many schools and the dark nights are cold and long. What better time than to thumb our collective blogging noses at Old Man Winter with these January inspired demotivational posters!

Stay warm my friends!

Another One Bites The Dust

2012-01-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

Rick Perry has dropped out of the Republican leadership race and has thrown his support behind Newt Gingrich. Many candidates find the transition from the hectic pace of the campaign back to normal political life difficult and the Texas governor will likely be no different. As we did for Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann before him, Dogs & Jeans offers some constructive ways to fill the hours away from the debate spotlights.

Catch up on missed season's of this season's "Grey's Anatomy". (Who knew it was even still on TV?)
Get some new chili recipes ready for Superbowl.
Think you're in shape? Try a BodyRock workout or two!
Watch some Australian Open tennis matches when they are actually on, not taped so he has to avoid finding out who won.
How about a Mediterranean cruise?
Finally figure out how to Skype on that damned iPad.
Make up you mind about whether or nor Ke$ha is hot once and for all!
Listen to some old Merle Haggard albums.
Volunteer some time with the Boy Scouts or Big Brothers or Power Rangers or somebody like that.
Develop his own position on the Keystone XL pipeline, not just mimic comments from CNN and Dr. Oz.
As always, we recommend macrame as a safe, fun hobby.

Best New Website for Smart People

2012-01-18T17:50:00.000-08:00

In the wake of Wikipedia's blackout to protest the SOPA bill currently before Congress, a rival knowledge database has been launched. "Sortapedia" is trying to market itself as the new go-to site for Internet learning. However, accuracy and spelling appear to be taking a back seat to launch speed as the site's founders may have pushed Sortapedia onto the web before writers had the chance to fact check their entries.

Take a look at some examples of Sortapedia playing "fast and loose" with the truth:

Australia: Australia is both a country and the Earth's smallest continent. Gravity is only 2/3 that of the rest of the planet due to to Coriolis effect causing toilets to drain in reverse. The current Prime Minister is Olivia Newton John.

Boxing: Combative sport involving striking an opponent to the face and body. Gloved fists are the common method of delivering blows, however some styles will allow the use of elbows, knees, feet and folding chairs. Past boxing champions include Muhammad Ali, James Braddock, Suzanne Sommers, Sugar Ray Leonard, Benjamin Franklin and Mikey from the Life cereal commercials.

Caviar: Bait eaten by snooty rich people.

Doppler Effect: The viewer's perceived differential of radar weather reports when presented by a guy in a hairpiece or hot Latina in a tight skirt.

Elephants: Mythical large land mammals celebrated in song and film for their fear of mice.

Fu*k: Derived from the Jazz music term "funk", fu*k is the only word n the English language that contains a character not in the alphabet.While not an actual word, fu*k denotes a myriad of meanings and allows users to post comments to social media sites like Facebook and Compuserve without fear of censorship.

General Electric: Hero of the American Civil War, Horatio Electric is best known for identifying that the discharge of negative particles caused lightening. This force he named 'electricity' was then harnessed for use in household products.

Hitler Lair: Popular Danish alternative music group from the mid 1980's best know for their song "If I Squint, I Might Find You Attractive."

Igloo: Dwelling made of blocks of compressed snow used by most Canadians. Shania Twain lives in the biggest.

Junk: What's in the trunk. Yeahhh Baby!

Kim Richards: The star of the reality TV show was born Kim Morgenstern and changed her name after a short-lived marriage to Rolling Stones guitar player Keith Richards. She may, however, move like Jagger.

Limbic System: The site of most basic brain functions in humans. The limbic system, also known as the "lizard brain" is the seat of basic emotions such as fear, anger and that sense that your girlfriends might be getting together without you, even though you had them over on Sunday afternoon with their kids and they didn't say anything about meeting at Starbucks today for coffee. Sure, they could say they knew you had an appointment at the optometrists, but they knew that you would have changed it if they had invited you.

Michael Jordan: Perhaps best known as the inventor of basketball, Michael Jordan is also credited with inventing sneakers, underwear and Buick automobiles.

Nickleback: The origins of this popular musical group are shrouded in mystery. Some claim they are beings from another planet while others say they arose in a defunct Soviet biological weapons laboratory. Scientists have proven that if you listen to Nickleback backwards you will hear messages from Satan, which come as a welcome relief to listening to Nickleback.

Octopussy: Title of a Nancy Drew mystery involving the disappearance of a lady with eight cats.

Polyacrylamide Gel Electrophoresis: If you are looking this term up on-line you are either trying to enter enough other phrases into Google to hide your porn searches or you are a real loser. In either case you should go out and meet a real woman. Now!

Quinoa: South American grain food, often used as a low carbohydrate alternative to rice or pasta. (Yeah, that's right. We may actually know some shit.)

Rob Lowe: Popular sports reporter with the Indianapolis Tribune. Hold the Guinness World Book record for most interviews of Matthew McCarthy.

Stuff: Everything you own is stuff. Not to be confused with Shit, which is everything other people own. (Entry submitted by George Carlin)

Tim Tebow: (Editor's Note: All entries to date now appear to be incorrect. Please check back again next September)

UVWXYZ: Extraneous letters in the alphabet nobody needs. Now, how about those pop-up ads? Aren't they useful?

It's A Wonderful Campaign

2012-01-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

Claiming there is "too much diversity" among the remaining Republican presidential candidates, financier, real estate developer and philanthropist Henry F. Potter has thrown his hat into the ring. "It's not just enough to be conservative, old and white," his press release claimed. "You should also be really rich and intolerant to be a good candidate."

Despite having missed the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary, Potter believes he can catch up in time for the critical Bedford Falls caucus in February. Dogs & Jeans sat down with the reclusive billionaire in this exclusive interview:

D&J: Mr. Potter, what do you see as the biggest problem facing the average American family?
Potter: No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.

D&J: Can you be more specific with your criticisms of the other candidates? Let's start with Mitt Romney.
Potter: Playing the market with the company's money?

D&J: Okay, you don't sound sure about that. How about Rick Santorum. What's his weakness?
Potter: It's a woman he's involved with. It's all over town that he's been giving money to Violet Bick.

D&J: Newt Gingrich?
Potter: He's worth more dead than alive!

D&J: Many people might look at your candidacy as a personal attack on President Obama.
Potter: He was no business man.

D&J: So you are critical of his fiscal policy? Do you disagree with the budget compromise he fashioned that kept the government running last year?
Potter: Why didn't he go to the riffraff he loved so much and ask them for the $8,000? You know why? Because they'd run him out of town on a rail!

D&J: What would you say if you could debate the President?
Potter: Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man?

D&J: Bold words. Thank you for this interview Mr. Potter and good luck with the campaign.
Potter: And Happy New Year to you, in jail!

Captain Distracted?

2012-01-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

This weekend's disastrous capsizing of a luxury cruise liner in Italy shocked the world. Thankfully the loss of life has been low, considering the potential sinking ship of this size could have. Experts have wondered how the captain could have misjudged his location by as much as four miles. After his arrest for manslaughter, he has given several different reasons for his being so negligently distracted:

Have you seen Kate Beckinsale's cat suit in the new Underworld movie?
He put money on the Knicks. Again!
Could not decide to give up Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow from his Fantasy League.
With these gas prices, shaving off every travel mile helps.
Can't think of what to get Betty White for her 90th birthday.

What's up with the new Facebook re-design?
Too busy catching up on episodes of Zooey Deschanel's "New Girl".
Was confused and thought he was actually an 'Undercover Boss" and not a real boss.

Demotivational Friday Posters

2012-01-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

Going into this weekend, I find myself greatly conflicted. My normally satiric personality should be ready to pounce on all things Tebow-related in advance of his big game against the Patriots on Saturday. Our friends over at Sports Illustrated's Extra Mustard have even dedicated today's entire posting to the Bronco's QB with fun links and videos galore. Given all the hype, I should be busy lampooning to beat the band (Note: "Beating the band through the method of lampooning" has only be recently removed from the Criminal Codes of many of the independent Baltic States of the former Soviet Union.)

However, I am strangely drawn to the story. While Tim is not an "underdog" in the same class as Rudy, his work ethic, determination and desire to lead make up for his lack of actual skill in much the same way. Even Mrs. Trooper, who is not a big football fan, has been following the story line of last-second heroics with interest. The rematch with the superbly talented and nearly flawless execution of Tom Brady will make for compelling viewing on Saturday.

Plus a Bronco win will keep the post-worthy jokes coming for at least another week!

In the meantime, please enjoy these Demotivational Posters, none of which are the least bit football related.

Excrement Being Verbalized

2012-01-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

December gave the world the premier of the short clip "Sh*t Girls Say".

It quickly became a YouTube sensation with a follow up "St*t Girls Say Episode 2". Soon other comics and filmmakers jumped on the bandwagon with their own versions of sh*t said by black guys, housewives, Irish girls, girls to gay guys etc.

So far the best follow-up launched yesterday was "Sh*t Nobody Says"

Dogs & Jeans has predicted the next several popular videos based on the Sh*t Somebody Says premise:

Sh*t Charlie Sheen Doesn't Say Anymore (because he's no longer crazy)
Sh*t Republicans Promise
Bodies Marines Pi*s On
Sh*t Tim Tebow Says to Jesus
Sh*t Celebrities Wear To Awards Shows
Sh*t Kardashians Say
Sh*t the Supreme Court Says
Sh*t Kitties Meow
Sh*t Derek Jeter Says When He Dumps Chicks
Who Thinks Their Sh*t Doesn't Stink?
Sh*t Christina Aguilera Eats

Happy Birthday Gitmo!

2012-01-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

Today marks the 10th Anniversary of the designation of Guantanamo Bay as the incarceration location of Illegal Combatants. This US military base has held as few 20 and as many as 680 detainees from Afghanistan (among other places). "Camp Delta" as was later known, came under fire for it's interrogation methods, treatment of prisoners and it's apparent 'liberty' from the US Constitution. In 2008, Barack Obama made the closing of Gitmo an election issue, but nearly four years later, that has yet to occur.

The public is aware of many of these facts about the infamous quasi-prison. However, there may be a number of other details about the place you may not know:

The "Miss Camp X-Ray" Beauty Pageant attracts over three contestants annually.
Positive (and possibly homophobic) pastor Joel Osteen visits every six months for ministry.
The popular fad of "planking" arose here but was not derived from 'waterboarding'. Instead, it was meant to lampoon Marine guard PFC Dwayne Chisholm who fell asleep on a cot while on duty and was duct taped in place as a prank by some sophomoric inmates from Kabul.
Should Lindsey Lohan fail to pay federal taxes, she may be sentenced to barracks latrine duty in Guantanamo.
Unit 8 been bed bug free since Tuesday.
Residents may claim any sales tax they paid on luxury items when return home.

The most popular film requested by inmates is "The Expendables" followed closely by "Waiting to Exhale."
One more year of operation and Gitmo can qualify as a Presidential Primary.
Even under torture, prisoners refuse to consider Chelsea Handler as being funny in any way.
Most popular resident dessert: Butterscotch pudding.

Football Prophesy?

2012-01-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

As many fans know, Tim Tebow used to wear a biblical reference in his eye black during his college playing days. The Heisman winning quarterback is a devout Christian and the passage that tells of Jesus' coming being a sign of God's love means a great deal to him. While he no longer wears the lettering in the pros, numerous people noticed the eerie "John 3:16" coincidence that occurred during the Bronco's shocking defeat of the Pittsburgh Steelers game on Sunday. (read about it in the above link)

However, that is not the only Bible-related event that took place during the game in Denver. Consider these statistics:

Ben Rothlesburger passed for 289 yards and Proverbs 28:9 reads: "He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be abomination." Could this be a sign that the once dominant Pittsburgh QB has abandoned his faith and, in so doing, may soon find himself out of the NFL?

Denver receiver Demaryius Thomas caught 4 passes for an average of 51 yards and one touchdown. In Luke 1:51 we are told: "He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts." Doesn't that sound like a particular football player who's initials are TT?

Pittsburgh running back Isaac Redman had a total of 121 yards on 17 attempts for an average of 7.12 yards per carry. Doesn't Matthew 7:12 teach us "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Commonly known as The Golden Rule, Jesus frees everyone from the hundreds of religious restrictions from the Old Testament in this passage. Unfortunately, the overtime rules of football that did not give Pittsburgh a chance to possess the ball remain in effect.

And finally, Denver had only 29:05 minutes of possession, 2 minutes less than Pittsburgh, and yet won the game. Shockingly, Genesis 29:5 says "He said to them, "Do you know Laban, Nahor's grandson?" "Yes, we know him," they answered." If that doesn't blow your mind, then maybe it's time for you to consider some serious Bible study!

Let's Excite the GOP Race!

2012-01-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

Directors on The Republican Leadership Committee is concerned the American public has grown bored with the current race to pick a new Presidential Candidate. As the candidates prepare for this week's New Hampshire Primary, numbers are down for both the televised debates and voter registration. Fears that this trend will continue without controversial candidates like Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain and as Mitt Romney increases his lead.

Desperate to re-capture people's imagination, the Committee has been entertaining nearly all options to re-invigorate the campaign:

Have President Obama support Rick Santorum.
How about doing something on MySpace? All the kids are using the MySpace!
Hire a streaker or a sniper at future debates.

Candidate bungee jumping.
Have Tim Tebow win it for Tim Pawlenty in overtime.
Free kittens for everyone!
If Kelly Clarkson will sing for Ron Paul, maybe Cher will sing a song for Newt Gingrich.
Parachute the candidates into North Korea with orders to assassinate Kim Jong-un.
How about a bake sale? Who doesn't love a bake sale?
Whoever wins the leadership will also get to marry a Kardashian of their choosing.

Friday Demotivation 2012

2012-01-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

Let's start off the first Friday of the New Year with some Demotivational posters!

"Okay, let's!" you say.

Fine.

"Is there any particular theme?" you ask.

Not especially.

"Just as well," you reply. "I'm ready to start enjoying the hilarious pictures and satiric comments."

Then we shall begin.

Lean, Mean Fighting Machine?

2012-01-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

President Obama has announced plans to reduce spending on the military. Like all government departments in this tough economy, even the Armed Forces will be asked to cut corners. Unfortunately, since many of the troops have already been asked to "do more with less" for several years now, finding spare cash in the budget requires even greater creativity:

Body paint uniforms for the ladies!
Encourage only shooting at soft things like pillows and loaves of bread so bullets can be recycled.
Body armour to be split into "Fronts" and "Backs" so a single piece can now be worn by two soldiers. New training will focus on patrolling back-to-back in pairs.
Launch a "Bring Your Own Gun From Home" policy.

Bring back Korean era jeeps and tanks to general usage as "Army Classic" versions.
Raise funds from the public through an "Adopt A Missile" program.
Celebrities who participate in overseas USO shows must also serve a 6 month combat role after their performance. (This is good if it's Toby Keith, not so good if it's Jewel.)
Fewer global deployments; more postings to Cincinnati, Minneapolis and Terre Haute.
Bows and arrows aren't just for Ted Nugent.
Save money by reducing food rations as part of "Biggest Loser: US Military Edition."
Marines to begin aggressive campaign against Girls Scouts selling "Semper Fi" cookies door-to-door.
New Lockheed-Martin fighter jets to be designed with a Prius Hybrid engine. They'll save money and it's better for the environment. Now that's a win-win!
Two words: Cloth Helmets
One day a month becomes "Protect Without Pay". Soldiers are encouraged to make money on the side by delivering flyers or the "Penny Saver" while on patrol.

Bachmann's Spare Time

2012-01-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

Michele Bachmann has become the first casualty of the Republican nomination race. After her poor showing in the Iowa caucus, the Minnesota congresswoman has withdrawn from further campaigning. However, Bachmann has vowed she will remain active and will continue to push America in the right direction.

But life can't be all politics. Bachmann will also be spending her newly found free time engaged in other pursuits:

Time to learn a new language. Hebrew sounds like fun.
Break out that wood burning kit that Santa left.
You know there is a book deal coming, but it will be for a collection of poetry.

Brush the dust of the P90X set and get ready for bikini season!
One word: Macrame
When the next season of Dancing With the Stars begin, she won't be PVR'ing it; she'll be livin' it Baby!
Ventriloquism has remained an unfulfilled passion.
Xerophytic Landscape Design could be a meaningful hobby away from the media attention.
Tour the county with Michelle Palin as an Indigo Girls cover band.
Get in line early to buy the new iPad.
Let's say it again: Macrame!

What's On TV?

2012-01-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

With the arrival of January, the major TV networks have begun airing new TV shows to replace the duds they cancelled from last season. Many of these "mid-season" replacements are carbon copies of a formula that was already successful in the fall. Some, however, are difficult to categorize at all. Let Dogs & Jeans know if you will be watching any of these programs and our Crack Popular Culture Mavens can help broadcasters refine their broadcast schedule.

Zombie Teens
16 year old Casey Miller moves from Chicago with her family to a small Oregon town, where a battle rages between the living and the un-dead. When Casey falls in love with Pierre, the rotting son of the Zombie leader, the young couple faces persecution from both sides. Can their love survive, or will Pierre be forced to eat the brain of his beloved?

Cooking With Robbie Benson and Friends
Join former teen heart-throb Robbie Benson as he travels the country to cook up American classic dishes. Each week finds Robbie in the kitchens of his former movie co-stars like Glynnis O'Conner, Lynn-Holly Johnson and Annette O'Toole. Music will be provided by the surviving members of Seals and Crofts.

Name That Republican Candidate!
There is no better time that today's Iowa Caucuses to launch this current events/game show. There are over 40 registered Republican candidates, many of who have no campaign advertising budget. Show contestants can win fabulous prizes if they can identify at least one presidential hopeful before he or she drops out of the race.

Where Are We?
A cruise liner is shipwrecked on a mysterious tropical island and each week passengers are in for the scare of their lives. With creepy caverns, unexplained time travel, eerie mists and the random appearance and disappearance of survivors, this show is sure to be the talk of the office water coolers!

Yoga With The Stars
Celebrity guests like Greg Evigan, Annie Potts and the kids who was on "Jerry McGuire" join with noted yoga instructors to bend and stretch their bodies into ancient contortions. Yoga judges Bikram Choudhury, Kyle Miller and Kermit the Frog will evaluate every Lotus, Cobra and Warrior pose with the same biting sarcasm you have come to expect from TV talent shows.

Facebook on TV

Now even people without computers can have that Facebook experience. Watch as people re-connect with acquaintances they haven't thought about since high school to observe they play Farmville, answer quizzes about with Brady Bunch character they most resemble and post photos of their vacation to Dayton.

Sex Hospital
From the Telemundo Studios comes the sexiest drama on English TV. St. Usula's Hospital is the poorest sexual addiction clinic in Los Angeles and no obsession is too devious for them to treat. Even the doctors and nurses have uncontrollable desires. But even with it's lack of funding, the St. Ursula's erotic Chief of Surgery and the naughty Chairwoman only accept the most attractive patients and staff.

Arnold & Maria's Second Chance at Love
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver will reconcile right before your eyes (and the TV cameras)! Join the former governor and his skeletal lady love as they attempt to rekindle the flames of the their politically charged love affair. Can Arnold resist groping the maids? Can Maria get her journalism career back on track? Tune in to find out!

Bowl Game Demotivation

2011-12-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

We are deep into Bowl Season now with many people getting excited about the well known bowls like the Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl and the Meineke Car Care Bowl. But did you know the NCAA lists over 300 bowl games played between December 1 and January 10? You may want to put down your chicken wing and learn a bit about these lesser known American traditions.

2011 Blog Review

2011-12-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

During this last week of 2011, many websites are posting their look back at the year's events. Dogs & Jeans is no different. Please enjoy this listing of readers' favorite articles over the past twelve months.

Happy New Year and come back again in 2012.

January:

What's Wrong With American Women?
Oscar Snubs

February:
Grammy Shockers!
Link to Rescue Zelda, Again!

March:
Satan Defends Hell
Walmart Torture Hearing

April:
Alaskan Budget Crisis
Is The Last Supper a Sign The Economy Is Getting Worse?

May:
Bin Laden Tribute?
Any More Money Microsoft?
The Obamas' Conversation With The Queen

June:
Safe From Cell Phones?
Whose Bulge Is That?

July:
NFL Secrets Deals
Radical Islam Reverses Aging

August:
Budget Diet Plan
Football Rescues America!
America To Abandon The Dollar?

September:
Crime Fighting Modest Proposals
Bet On Bachelor Pad

October:
Captured/Executed Gadhafi Witty Remarks
Wanna Get Laid For Halloween?
Serendipitous Halloween News

November:
Who Will Protect America?
What's On The Food Network?

December:
Know Your Christmas TV Specials
A Tim Tebow Christmas

What's In a Baby Name?

2011-12-28T11:18:00.000-08:00

The last week of December is the common time to release the Lists of the Year. Today saw the publication of Yahoo's Top Baby Names for 2011. The Top 5 Names for girls are:

Emma
Olivia
Sophia
Isabella
Eva

The Top 5 Names for boys are:

Mason
Liam
Noah
Ethan
Jacob

While those are all very classy (end even a little Old Testamenty), it does make a person long for a simple time when boys were Doug, Greg and Paul and girls were Shelley, Barbara and Cindy.

I remember a time when there would be as many as four Mikes in a classroom. The teacher would have to assign last letter initials to distinguish Mike B from Mike R. Now the same is true Ethan D and Ethan S. And who would have thought that someday Heather and Shannon would be considered "old lady names" the way Ethel and Agnes are now?

Let's make 2012 the year we bring back some of the classic baby names! So long Logan and Madison; here's to little Bruce and Kelly. Take a hike Jayden and Brooklyn; here comes John and Karen.

It's Still a Wonderful Demotivation

2011-12-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Bloggy Readers! Dogs & Jeans' offices (and way I say "offices", I mean the cubicle I post from while on lunch break) will be closed until next Wednesday. I hope you all have a terrific holiday with your family and are not harassed by Courtney Stodden.

Please enjoy the following Demotivational Poster game: Can you guess which posters are from the classic Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and which ones are gratuitous postings of scantily clad women?

Christmas Carol Demotivation

2011-12-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

Only two more sleeps until Christmas! What better time for some demotivational posters to accent your old-fashioned Christmas carol sing-alongs around the family piano, organ, harpsichord or steel drum. Remember to warm up your voice before trying to hit some of those high notes!

Christmas Advice

2011-12-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

Coming into work this morning, I ran into noted advice columnist the Bus Doctor. He had just returned from some court-ordered therapy and seemed much better. I thought it was a good opportunity to have him answer some of the Christmas Questions that have been submitted from Dogs & Jeans readers. I was wrong.

What do I get for the person who has everything?
Clearly “Everything” is a generalization, since this person doesn’t have my pants. Ergo, they don’t possess all things. What you really mean is “what do I get for the person who appears to have all I could purchase for them?” I know one thing they don’t have: anthrax. (now available on eBay).

How can I keep from gaining weight over the holidays?
I hear this lament every December. With all the parties filled with goodies and smart cocktails, it’s easy to put on an extra 5, 10 or even 15 pounds by New Years. While I’m partial to a woman with a little extra “meat on her bones”, I’m not unsympathetic to your dilemma. If you are going to participate in some Christmas indulgences, then look for creative ways to burn those extra calories at the same time. When standing, try to walk in place vigorously. Filling your shoes with pennies can give you an additional leg workout. If your home has stairs, take extra trips when carrying laundry, infants, or guilty burdens up and down. When shaking hands with strangers, shake with the right hand, rest for 5 seconds, then shake with the left. This is one rep. Repeat twice more. For every present you open on Christmas morning, do 5 burpees. If it’s a really good gift, do 10.

I just started dating this great woman. What should I give her to let her know I care without scaring her off?
This is a tough one without knowing more about your relationship. If you have already slept together I always recommend RU486 or a couples STD treatment kit (also a good gift at the end of a relationship). If you are in the early throws of dating, where you still have the nervous butterflies of breathless anticipation, avoid jewellery (too aggressive) or car accessories (too impersonal). For my money, you can never go wrong with a home-make coupon book with delightful offers such as “Free Bellybutton Lint Removal”, “Free Chicken De-boning” and “I’ll Get Your Name Tattooed Across My Forehead”.

What do kids want this year?
People say Christmas is all about the kids. To them I say ‘Liars!” For me, Christmas has always been about the Birds of Prey. However, if you have to provide gift for a child, try to make it age appropriate. This year the most popular gifts include:

My Little Pony (that eats vagrants)
Little brother or sister (some assembly required)
Todd Palin Snowmobile Jr. (wolf hunt targets sold separately)
X Factor Home Edition: Simon’s Shame-fest
Tim Tebow Holy Roller Football Fun
Call of Duty 7: Zombie Hollywood PETA Convention

I’m spending Christmas with my husband’s family but we never got along. How can survive?
One word: Liquor.

What can I do to keep my Christmas tree looking fresh until the 25th?

Nothing sets a real Christmas mood like the smell and feel of a live Christmas tree. However, even with the most diligent watering, that pine or fir can really droop and fade long before the big day. To maintain that “fresh cut” feel, the most effective result comes from adding a vial of Justin Bieber’s blood to your tree water. The life essence of this Canadian heartthrob will ensure you don’t have a carpet covered with needles by New Year’s Day (or even Easter) (2013).

Merry Christmas from Dogs & Jeans (and the Bus Doctor)

North Korea Declares War On Christmas

2011-12-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

In a surprise move, New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has declared war on the North Pole. “As the name indicates, the North Pole is ‘North’ and belongs to the magnificent Peoples Republic of North Korea,” states the proclamation delivered to the UN today. Santa’s Workshop, Christmas Town, all elf residents and even the Reindeer Stables and surrounding pasture lands are listed as territory for annexation. The announcement from Pyongyang names Santa Claus as the “Evil Despot” and all residents of latitudes above 80 degrees as “enemy combatants”.

While it is unclear if the communist state plans to invade or if this is merely posturing, Kim Jong-un has made it clear that any trespass over North Korea on Christmas Eve will be considered an Act of War. “Should the Imperialist Oppressor Claus dare to violate the pure airspace of the Divine Kingdom on the Night of Capitalistic Hedonism (December 25), the Great Successor will take action,” said a spokesman for the governing Korean Workers Party. “All sleighs, reindeer, toys and diminutive magical people will be blown from the sky by the sheer will of the Leader’s Glorious Mind, and a series of surface-to-air missiles.”

Political experts have been predicting some show of aggression from the new leader, following his surprise ascension to the throne after the death of his father Kim Jong-Il on Monday. “At only 28 years old, and without the years needed behind the scenes to consolidate his support, Jong-un must move quickly to demonstrate he is every bit as ruthless as his father,” said John McDonald of the Center for Asian-Pacific Studies in Washington DC. “I would have expected a missile launched into the Sea of Japan or perhaps a minor skirmish along the DMZ. This unprovoked confrontation with Mr. Kringle comes as a complete surprise and means all bets are off.” Experts fear future hostility may be directed towards other targets previously considered safe from conflict: Disney World, New Zealand, the annual Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Show etc.

Santa Claus declined to comment on the pronouncement but a North Pole spokeself told Dogs & Jeans that plans for Christmas will continue unchanged. “Most people don’t know this but Santa actually keeps three lists: Nice, Naughty and Crackpot,” said Dingle Kringle. “Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler, Danielle Steele, all tried to take over the North Pole with no success. Santa has and always will prevail motherf%^$*r! Booyah!”

Know Your Korean Dictators

2011-12-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

For many years, the North Korean propaganda machine has kept the world informed of Kim Jong Il's nearly super-human abilities (sexual prowess, feats of strength, dulcet tenor voice etc.) In the wake of his death, more secrets are being revealed about this reclusive Man-God:

He was the director's first choice to play the role of Jethro on TV's "Beverly Hillbillies".
Felt Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was "a bit of a loose cannon."
His touch could turn base metals into gold. Solid gold records that is!
Actress Jessica Lange once called him "Asia's answer to Mikhail Baryshnikov."
His battle with anorexia prevented him from competing in the Men's Downhill event at the 1998 Winter Olympics.
A long standing feud with Snooki prevented a "Jersey Shore/Pyongyang" edition of the MTV show.
The Snuggie? His invention!
Kristin Wiig's signature character Gilly was originally performed by Il after a late night cabinet meeting.
Through sheer will power, he could reverse the flow of blood in his arteries and veins. It is even rumored that he once caused his left and right eyes to swap places.
John Bon Jovi used to call him to ask for lyrics that rhyme with words like "roses", "prayer", "glory" and "orange".
He came this close to seeking the 2012 US Republican presidential nomination.

Celebrity Christmas Demotivation

2011-12-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season to poke fun at our national treasures: celebrities. In keeping with the spirit of the holidays, please enjoy these demotivational posters of Hollywood stars in Santa outfits.

Kim Kardashian Thinks!

2011-12-15T11:11:00.000-08:00

Barbara Walters interviewed Kim Kardashian this week for her annual special "10 Most Fascinating People". The veteran reporter pulled no punches, asking the reality celebrity tough questions about her sex tape, family squabbles, brief marriage and other touchy subjects. Walters even when so far as to question why the Kardashian sisters enjoy such fame when they have no actual talent. Kardashian appears uncomfortable throughout the interview and thanks to Dogs & Jeans patented mind-reading technology, now you know why:

Top Ten Thoughts Running Through Kim Kardashian's Mind With Barbara Walters:

Why is this old lady screaming at me?
If Ron Paul can motivate his identified support to get to the polls, he can win the Iowa caucuses.
Did I eat lunch already?
Is that tingling the botox wearing off?
I have to remember to call Lindsey Lohan later.
Do dee do do, dum da dum.
All human suffering is the result of the ego's denial of reality.
I like kitties.
Does an annulment put me on Santa's Naughty list?
My feet hurt.

A Tim Tebow Christmas

2011-12-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

Denver Bronco’s quarterback Tim Tebow is the talk of the NFL. The 2007 Heisman Trophy winner was widely criticized for his throwing style, play calling, evangelical Christianity and nearly every other physical and personal characteristic prior to entering the pro draft. Not expected to have any type of NFL career, the Broncos were ridiculed for picking the former Florida Gator in the first round. However, since becoming the starting QB after Game 6, Tebow has lead the team to six wins in a row, all last minute victories as a result of Tim’s heroics.

With all the buzz around Tebow this year, including a possible MVP award, it would be no surprise if his fame and popularity grew to the point that many of our beloved Christmas classics will be remade with Tim Tebow as the central character. Here’s what they might look like:

It’s A Wonderful Life

Clarence the angel shows George Bailey what life would be like if he was Tim Tebow. Bedford Falls High would have won the state championships during which Mr. Potter loses his business when he bet against the team. A successful pro football career followed and he retied to Bedford Falls with the swimsuit model wife to run a successful Christian charity. George decides not to resume his old life.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas
During the Christmas Eve string of break and enters, Cindy Lou Who spies the Grinch and wakes up big brother Tim. Tim stops the Grinch, makes him donate all the stolen items to an overseas relief agency and takes him to a Whoville prayer meeting round the Christmas tree.

Charlie Brown

Tim plays the role of Linus. There is no difference.

A Christmas Carol

When the clock strikes "One", Tim Tebow shows Ebeneezer Scrooge events from his past, present and future. Scrooge remains unmoved and all hope of his salvation appears lost until the last few seconds when Tebow scrambles desperately to Scrooge's abandoned grave. Scrooge understands the errors of his ways and reforms.

White Christmas
Tim Tebow and rival former Florida QB Chris Leak put on a musical show in Gainsville with other past Gator football players in hopes of persuading their former coach Urban Meyer not to take the job at Ohio State. The title song is re-written as “Green Christmas” and Meyer in convinced that the holidays are better in Gainseville than Columbus.

Elf
Tim Tebow is raised at the North Pole to believe he is a pro quarterback and leaves to seek his destiny. Tim doesn’t fit in anywhere; he’s the wrong size, throws the wrong way, his religious views are too prominent or his teeth are too big. When every quarterback in the State of Denver comes down with a mysterious injury, Tim gets his big chance to play and leads the Broncos to a Superbowl.

A Christmas Story

All Tim Tebow wants for Christmas is a genuine Wilson "Duke" hand-stitched football with the Commissioner's stamp approval on the side. The adults around him are convinced he'll "throw his arm out". Can a last minute appeal to Santa can save Tim's Christmas wish?

Sandusky's Inappropriate Motivation

2011-12-13T11:11:00.000-08:00

Embattled coach Jerry Sandusky has waived his right to a preliminary hearing, opting to go straight to a trial. With luck, he will reconsider and decide to forgo a trial and go straight to the sentencing. Sandusky could do everyone a favor and keep this momentum going; rather than languish in prison for the rest of his life, he could save the taxpayers millions by just going straight to Hell, instead where according to The Devil, even Sandusky's crimes are overwhelming.

Due to his years in football, the accused sexual molester cannot help but pepper his speech with sports cliches, vowing he will "fight for four quarters." His lawyers are having a very difficult time keeping control of the the former Penn State defensive coordinator, considering that many football expressions are completely inappropriate when referring to the exploitation and rape of at least 10 boys over a period of 12 years. Here are a sampling of some of the analogies his lawyers have forbidden him from using, as they may be misleading, graphic, offensive or remind potential jurors of the nature of his crimes:

"Pound it out on the ground"
"These fans deserve a winner"
"Smash him in the mouth"
"Just go out and execute" (since Pennsylvania is a Death Penalty state)
"Split the uprights"
"Deep penetration"
"Take it to the Big House"
"Run it right up the gut"
"Be a real gun-slinger"
"Hit him right in the numbers"
"The officials could call holding on every play"
"Going mano a mano"
"Nail in the coffin"
"Getting an old-fashioned woodshed whippin'"
"This could get ugly"

In-Flight Entertainment

2011-12-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'm travelling across the country today which requires stop-overs at two airports. Canada is a large sparsely populated nation, so non-stop flights don't always "all the way" as they used to say in high school (and likely now say in middle school).

I have always like airports. They contain a curious mix of rushing and waiting. Clusters of folks sitting patiently to board in two hours while others race by to catch a connection threatening to take off without them. Amid this hubbub, I can sit and read, write or think without the risk that anyone is going to call me with some crisis (professional or personal) that I'm expected to solve. The anonymity is quite relaxing, knowing the chance I will run into anyone I know is as good as Kristin Stewart winning an Oscar for any Twilight movies.

However, one thing has always puzzled me about airport services: what is the purpose of selling "adult" magazines at the newsstands? They are already partially covered from view on the shelves indicating their general shame-based content. I would assume carrying one through the terminal would require a similar level of discretion.

Or is the reader expected to embrace his (or her) own deviance and masturbate right there on the
plane (except for those passengers in the exit rows - they have too much responsibility to engage in image-inspired self abuse)?

Know Your Christmas TV Specials

2011-12-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

December is the time of year for all the Christmas TV Specials, some classic and some less than classic. Aside from the shows that everyone knows (Rudolph, The Grinch, Charlie Brown, Frosty etc.) many regular TV series have produced special Christmas episodes. In fact, it would surprise you know that some of the least likely programs have broadcast a yuletide extravaganza. See if you can spot the real ones in the Dogs & Jeans Christmas Special True or False:

The Six Million Dollar Man "Bionic Christmas": Steve Austin encounters a problem with government contractor Horton Budge, who is a cheap "Scrooge" with his employees. Steve, dressed as Santa Claus, uses his bionics to emulate the Charles Dickens classic and convince Budge to change his ways.
True or False?

The A Team "B.A. Baracus Is Comin' To Town": When the State Department cuts funding for a local orphanage right before Christmas, the A Team go after the rogue elements in the agency who are using the orphanage as a front to funnel arms to rebel insurgents. Hannibal and the gang foil the plot and the kids have the merriest Christmas ever.
True or False?

Blossom "A Special Blossom Holiday": Blossom and pal Six feel sorry for a Jewish friend who they think is isolated while everyone else is celebrating Christmas. They try to involve her in lights and tinsel activities only to learn from the girl's Rabbi how special Hanukkah is. As a reward for her caring, Blossom is given the honor of reciting the Hanerot Halalu during the lighting the family's menorah.
True or False?

Beverly Hills 90210 "Santa Knows": Ben's parents reject his gifts and he attempts to commit suicide only to be saved by David at the last minute. Steve and a Santa-suit clad Nat help restore Zach's Christmas spirit after a friend tells him that there is no Santa Claus.
True or False?

Walker, Texas Ranger "A Ranger's Christmas": Walker recounts the story of Hayes Cooper, a Old West Scrooge-like Texas Ranger who finally learned to have Christmas spirit.
True or False?

BJ and The Bear "Silent Night, Smokie Fright": BJ and "Stacks" have to outrun Sheriff Lobo's men to deliver a shipment of toys to a New Mexico Indian reservation hospital. In the skirmish, Bear is wounded and the potential loss of his chimp reminds BJ of the Christmas message.
True or False?

ALF "Oh, Tannerbaum": Willie and ALF spend the night in the woods after the car breaks down while picking out a Christmas tree. ALF learns the true meaning of Christmas when he fears losing his friend.
True or False?

The Greatest American Hero "Mistletoe Rocket Man": Mr. Hinkley must thwart the plans of a Soviet agent intent on using the US's own codes to launch a nuclear missile on Christmas Eve. He manages to divert the missile to detonate in outer space and only his special red suit saves him from the rocket blast. He and Pam share their first kiss under the lights of the Christmas tree.

True or False?

Think you got them all right? What were some of the most surprising and unlikely TV Christmas specials you remember?

(Answers: True, False, False, True, True, False, True, False)

As an added bonus, if you can think of a show that didn't broadcast a Christmas special episode, list it in the comment section below and Trooper will post a synopsis of the holiday program that never happened.

Dangerous TV For Kids

2011-12-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

The Centre For Media Literacy (CML) has released it's annual list of television programs it deems harmful to children. While shows with sex, drugs and violence have been around for decades, the unrestricted access now available on-line and with mobile devices make it even harder for parents to monitor what kids are watching. As well, the CML has noticed an increase in the intensity of negative stories plus a reduction in consequences for the characters.

This year's list includes the standard fare: American Dad, Gossip Girl, Teen Mom and American Horror Story most of which have been on the group's "naughty list" for years. However, some of the harmful shows singled out in 2011 are quite surprising:

Rachel Ray: The daytime talk show apparently provides an unhealthy level of "perkiness" while host Rachel Ray provides potentially harmful lifestyle advice. Cooking and home decorating hints may seem innocuous, even helpful, but their failure to produce a simple casserole or re-painting a "yard-sale" bookcase, can be devastating to a child's self-esteem.

Dog Whisperer: On the surface, the National Geographic channel program instructs dog owners on responsibility and pack leadership. However, portraying all dogs and being good if given the right reinforcement of positive behaviors merely sets up an expectation in children's minds that they can all have a dog (even if we live in an apartment that is too small and there is a 'no-dog' policy. How many times do we have to go over this already?). Frequent viewings of Dog Whisperer lead children to nagging and pestering: "Mom, can I have a dog?", "Mom, can I have a dog?", "Mom, can I have a dog?", "Mom, can I have a dog?", "Mom, can I have a dog?".

Meet the Press: The long-running Sunday morning political forum not only conflicts with church attendance, but has more sleazy content than a "Sex and The City" marathon. After another year rifle with scandal, are the men and women of our government really the sort of questionable characters we want speaking directly to our nation's young people? The CML says an emphatic "No!"

NASCAR on FOX, ESPN and TNT: A staple of sports programming in America, NASCAR promotes all the wrong values, according to the CML. From the aggressive driving of the racers to the promotion of harmful products such as alcohol and tobacco, children are negatively influenced for several hours at a time. Worse still are the beliefs strengthened that it is acceptable to wear a tube top and cut-off shorts at a public event when you are 35 pounds overweight.

Once Upon A Time: ABC's smash hit blurs the line between fantasy and reality. While recasting classic fairy tale characters in a modern setting may seem clever, it is merely Satan worship thinly veiled as entertainment. In much the same way the Harry Potter books promoted witchcraft, Once Upon A Time leads kids away from Jesus by showing that the Devil's magic can solve their problems.

iCarley: A cornerstone of the Disney Channel lineup, iCarley presents itself as a program about empowerment and creativity. However, the idea of a 15 year old girl living on her own without proper adult supervision is irresponsible. Compounding the situation is Carley and her friend Sam filming their antics and posting them on-line for all the world's creeps and weirdos to see. Girls emulating the show's characters could quickly find themselves living in a pit in some dude's basement eating food lowered down to them in a basket. "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

Demotivational Signs

2011-12-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

What better way to start the month of December that by getting so good directions and instructions:

Drunk Girls

2011-12-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

Week after week, one of the biggest Google search terms that brings people to Dogs & Jeans is "drunk girls". This is a curious circumstance since I have never featured an article about drunk girls and the phrase itself only appear in one post out of over 300. At first, I considered this to simply be a gratuitous search for images of passed out co-eds for which the blog was lucky benefactor. After all, Dogs & Jeans is more devoted to political satire (perhaps of marginal quality but satire none the less) than it is to partying.

When I read Yahoo's list of the Top Ten searches of 2011, I began to change my mind. Six of the listings (Casey Anthony, Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry, Jennifer Lopez, Lindsey Lohan and Jennifer Aniston) are girls and I'm pretty sure each has been drunk at some point. In fact, three are famous precisely for what they get up to when they are drunk.

That got me thinking that there must be more to this "Drunk Girl" phenomenon. After some careful research, I learned that much of world history has turned on events involving drunk girls:

Cleopatra VII: Solidification of her hold on the Ptolemaic throne occurred only after a bacchanalian night spent with Julius Caesar. After his assassination, her affair with Marc Anthony was ended when they were both too drunk to defeat Octavian's forces at the Battle of Actium. The end to the classic Egyptian period followed shortly as Rome absorbed Egypt as a province. Ironically Cleopatra was sober when she committed suicide by asp bite.

The Battle of Hastings: The Norman conqueror William was losing the battle to the forces of English King Harold II in October 1066, despite the Norman advantage of mounted soldiers. Legend has it that a hay wagon carrying eight drunk maidens passed by the battlefield and several women removed their bodices. Their bountiful bosoms so distracted Harold, he was shot in the eye with an arrow. In the aftermath the English forces were overrun and hold on the British throne was forever changed.

The Protestant Reformation: Martin Luther did not set out to denounce the Roman Catholic Church in 1517 when he began writing his 95 Theses. Luther began with a simple letter to his fiance Agatha who he had observed in carnal relations with a local bard after too many flagons of ale. What started as an epistle of condemnation for her drunken behaviour became a lecture on morality. Before Luther stopped writing, he had disputed the Pope's claim as the sole connection to God on earth, rejected the belief that freedom from God's punishment for sin could be purchased with money and embraced salvation through acceptance of Jesus Christ rather than the decisions of priests. Agatha, meanwhile, married a Wittenberg linen merchant, bore nine children and died of cirrhosis at the ripe old age of 31.

Lexington & Concord: The famous "Shot Heard Round The World" was not fired by either British or Revolutionary forces. The first skirmish of the American War of Independence was in fact sparked by an early morning domestic dispute. Silversmith Nathanial Harris had been confronted by his wife Elizabeth (who was drunk at the time) for carrying on an affair with the miller's wife Faith Benbridge. No evidence to support her claim has been produced, but the story is that in a state of inebriation, an agitated Elizabeth ambushed him at his shop and blew out the window with musket fire as Nathaniel fled down the street. British troops responded and swarmed the street leading the militia to suspect an armed takeover. The battle ensued and less than a year later, the Declaration of Independence was drafted.

Cleopatra (The Movie): The 1963 epic is generally regarded as the most expensive flop in movie history. With a budget of $44 million, the historical drama grossed only $26 million. Much of the cost overruns were due to Elizabeth Taylor being drunk during critical mass crowd scenes and alcohol fueled fights with costar/husband Richard Burton delaying production. Insurance for film investment soon became mandatory for all big budget movies, leading to the rise of the independent film industry.

I hope we have all learned not to underestimate the impact of drunk girls. While the majority of time their antics might be limited to nipple slips and embarrassing kissing YouTube clips, sometimes one girl holding a puking girlfriend's hair can change the world.

Facebook To Print Currency

2011-11-30T10:45:00.000-08:00

Facebook is expected to seek investment soon with a public IPO. Experts predict a stock valuation at over $100 billion which would make Facebook the wealthiest corporation on the planet. Pretty good for a company that doesn't actually make or sell anything!

But that may all change soon.

With such an infusion of money, Facebook will hold the majority of American cash forcing the National Treasury to default due to it's inability to back up it's legal tender. As the de facto holder of America's funds, Facebook is planning to issue its own currency into circulation. The basic unit of money will be the "Zuck" which would be roughly equivalent to a single US dollar prior to the current recession. 100 Zucks will be called a "Z-Berg".

Being the paragon's of economic efficiency, the financial experts at Facebook realize there is little need for much coinage for units less than a Zuck. They will issue only two types of coin: the "Like" which is worth 1/10th of a Zuck, and a 1/100th coin known as a 'Winklevoss".

The company plans to introduce its currency virtually on Facebook first in much the same way "World of Warcraft" has its own fantasy money. Facebook users will be issued with an allowance with which they can purchase apps and upgrades. It is intended that this will acclimate people to using the Zuck prior to putting it into general circulation.

Not to be outdone, Google is undertaking plans to launch it's own currency in Europe, beginning with a complete purchase of the nation of Greece. The "Goog" is expected to take over from the floundering Euro in 2013. Dogs and Jeans tried to contact Tom from MySpace for a comment but his phone had been disconnected.

Can Cain Save Campaign?

2011-11-29T10:24:00.000-08:00

Amid more announcements of inappropriate behaviour with more women, Herman Cain and his staff are desperately trying to identify if he can stay in the Republican Nomination Race. Senior aides to the former head of Godfather's Pizza are holding a brainstorming session to come up with ideas to restore public support to the one-time front runner. Dogs & Jeans was invited to attend and share some of the ideas thrown out from the group.

"Say that we're the campaign that is 'Anti-Nazi'!"
"Sorority car wash."
"Take over the British Embassy in Tehran."
"Nothing says "presidential" like giving back rubs. Lots and lots of back rubs."
"Bake sale!"
"An Internet campaign featuring some older dude smoking."
"Everybody chillax and have a Jeffrey."
"Cure cancer"
"Host free pizza parties throughout the primary states but no anchovies. We all remember what happened to Michael Dukakus' campaign when he used anchovies."

"How about a cruise to Bimini?"
"I can't remember if that foundation for at-risk boys ate Penn State turned out well or not. Can "somebody look that up?"
"Collaborate with Jay-Z on a rap CD."
"Make ice cream tax free"
"Film a guest spot on Desperate Housewives."
"Could we get an endorsement from Justin Bieber?"
"Rescue somebody trapped in a burning building."
"Move like Jagger!"

Cain has yet to decide but seems to be leaning toward the cruise. You know, to take his mind off the stress.

Dec 3: Breaking News! Herman Cain has "suspended" his nomination campaign but not officially withdrawn from the race. In a related story, Steve Jobs has "suspended" his role with Apple.

Teen Takes Twitter To Town

2011-11-28T10:56:00.000-08:00

A Kansas teen faces possible school punishment after her "inappropriate" tweet about the governor put her school administration on the hot seat. Emma Sullivan's comments about Kansas governor Sam Brownback posted to her Twitter account caught the attention of his office and a request from Sullivan's principal that she submit a written apology. Not only has the student refused to do so, citing her First Amendment rights, but her Twitter account has soared from 65 to more than 400 followers.

Buoyed by the attention, Sullivan has gone on a Twitter campaign to offend other public figures:

"goodbye barney frank & your old man smell"
"tim tebow throws like a girl lol"
"i think newt gingritch watches me in the shower"
"pot makes miley cyrus a better singer"
"black friday sucks #cyber monday rocks"
"demi and ashton forever. not!"
'believing in santa @laus is for babies"
"herman cain should eat a pizza and stfu!"

The maturity of her comments further demonstrate why the voting age remains 18.

Black Friday Disappointment

2011-11-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

Due to unexpected violence at retail outlets, Trooper will not be heading out to any Black Friday sales today. This is a shame because many people will not receive Christmas gifts that could not be purchased at such low, low prices (and the fact that I won't be doing my part to help boost the economy). What items have been scratched from the Wish List?

Diamond underwear
iAnythings
Cheerleader accident insurance
A celebrity home paternity test kit

Groupon stock (even though it now appears to be quite the bargain)
Airport scanner-friendly unitards.
Commodore 64 vintage video games
Tribute tattoos (unless is says "Y.A. Tittle")

What's On The Food Network?

2011-11-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

One of the most popular specialty networks on cable TV is The Food Network. With a wide menu of programs ranging from "Ace of Cakes" to "What Would Brian Boitano Make?", a person would think the network had produced every cooking-related show possible. But that person would be wrong. Coming next season are some new culinary offerings to amaze and astound viewers:

Republican Chili Cookoff: Special dispensation has been given to provide 10 extra votes in the 2012 Electoral College to the winner of this contest. Filmed at John MCCain's Arizona hideaway, GOP candidates will compete to brew a pot of the spiciest Mexi-style chili this side of the Rio Grande all the while participating in a weekly debate style elimination from the mansion. Let the open-mic gaffs, petty squabbling and spicy sexual tension begin!

Who Can Eat This Alien Skull?: Top chefs submit recipe ideas for boiling, baking or broiling alien artifacts from around the world. Tune in to see which wine goes best with extra-terrestrial goulash!

Fruit or Vegetable?: Watch as a panel of nutrition experts take on congress to determine whether foods like tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and squash are fruits or vegetables. Judge Viggo Mortensen's ruling will be final and may result in new legislation. Talk about edge of your seat TV!

Occupy Kitchen!: Ever wonder what campers in the Occupy Movement eat? Then wonder no more. Each week, viewers will be treated to a variety of dishes made with 'food' garnered from some of North America's best dumpsters. Learn how to turn yesterday's expired yogurt and tainted egg salad into today's al fresco feast!

Topless Chef: Every week, a new celebrity will prepare their favorite meals wearing nothing but an apron. Guest appearances are kept top-secret until the moment of broadcast. That way viewers will be on the edge of their seat hoping for John Hamm or Mila Kunis, but instead might get celebrity couple Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.

Muppets Cook!: The Swedish Chef isn't the only Muppet character at home in the kitchen. Miss Piggy, Fozie Bear and of course Bert & Ernie are all accomplished cooks. When the Muppets cook, stuffing takes on a whole new meaning!

Remember you heard it first at Dogs & Jeans!

Who Will Protect America?

2011-11-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

The most controversial exchange during last night's GOP debate arose over illegal immigration. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's proposal of a more humane approach to long-term illegals with US born offspring brought on attacks from the other candidates. Criticisms of Gingrich's position ranged from "dangerous naiveté" to "encouraging terrorism". However, the other candidates did not present concrete alternatives to support their opposition.

Until today.

Hoping to take advantage of a potential anti-Gingrich backlash, several Republican candidates have now released Illegal Immigrant Positions. Dogs & Jeans has summarized them for you here:

Rick Perry:
Fences and the Rio Grande do not provide enough of a barrier for our security. Just as Bugs Bunny once sawed off Florida in a tragic miscalculation that cost the tax payers billions to restore, the US must physically cut off Mexico from North America.

Herman Cain:
Two words: Electrified Fences. And missiles. Three words: Electrified Fences and Missiles. And rabid wolves. Five Words: Electrified Fences, Missiles and Rabid Wolves. And groping. Six words: Electrified Fences, Missiles, Rabid Wolves and Groping.

Michele Bachmann:
If America would simply return to church, then Jesus will help protect us. But not just any church, only the Lutheran church. All other forms of worship only invite illegal immigrants. Dancing is bad too.

John Huntsman:
Acting on a tip from neighbors, door-to-door searches of suspected illegals, or people harboring illegals, will be conducted by government officials. People unable to produce proof of citizenship will be concentrated in a type of camp for further processing. No, wait... that sounds bad. Forget I said anything. Yeah immigrants! You Rock!

Ron Paul:
With the end of the Space Shuttle Program, the efforts of NASA engineers will be re-directed to build machines that block entry to the United States. We envision a series of catapults, conveyor belts, springboards, bowling balls rolling down ramps etc. Eventually the US/Mexico border will look like a gigantic game of Mousetrap.

Twilight Shockers!

2011-11-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

The latest in the Twilight saga, "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" opened at theaters across North America this weekend. With gross sales of more than $138 million, the popular vampire movie had the fifth highest opening weekend ever. Even more surprising than the amount of money pouring in from teenage girls and moms-who-should-know-better, were some of the unexpected plot twists, most of which were not in Stephenie Meyer’s original book:

Edward tries to convince Bella that the "hand bra" is an acceptable part a vampire home life.
Alice Cullen tries to bite Steve Jobs so he can produce new iPhones for all eternity.
The vampires and werewolves unite to face a common enemy: a neo-nazi family in New Jersey that named their children Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation.
Singer Rihanna makes an appearance as a foul-mouthed, 800 year old vampire queen/dominatrix who inexplicably doesn't need any studio tricks on her voice.

Fears of an economic downturn reduced spending on the film's special effects to the point that outtakes from old "6 Million Dollar Man" episodes were used to portray any super-speed or super-strength.
It's revealed that Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband, is actually one of the werewolves, but only the sickly runt of the pack.
A secret cabal of evil vampires older than time itself are actively preventing the NCAA from replacing the BCS with a playoff system.
Edward and Bella's unborn child is a re-incarnation of Lord Voldemort.

American Yard Sale!

2011-11-21T11:51:00.000-08:00

Everything must go! With the failure of the Congressional Supercommittee, the USA is over budget and we're passing the savings on to you!!!! Congress must slash spending on entire departments meaning you can pick up pieces of America at low, low prices!

Looking for a new ride? We have a fleet of Presidential Escalades, fully loaded and bullet proof ready to roll off the Whitehouse parking lot. How jealous will your neighbors be when you drive up in one of these sleek, black babies?!

We've discounted some of our most precious national resources: celebrities! Imagine how your next party would be the talk of the neighborhood when attended by Loni Anderson or Henry Winkler. We've got Lisa Kudrow, Tom Selleck and Jessica Simpson and they're priced to move! (Note: Celebrities must be purchased as is, not in the condition you remember)

Have you been searching for that perfect accent piece to finish off your home or garden decoration? The US Parks service has a catalogue of national monuments just for you? The grace of the Jefferson Memorial! The majesty of the Washington Monument! Nothing turns on the ladies like that big statue of Honest Abe!

Want military hardware? We've got tanks! We've got jets! We've got guns, guns and more guns? Thinking about a fishing trip? Catch that record bass or trout in a a slightly used Iowa-class battleship!

So don't delay. Help out your country and get that government issued merchandise you've always dreamed of! Come on down to Congressional Overstock, just off Independence Avenue in downtown Washington D.C.

Friday Demotivation - Crazy Animal Edition

2011-11-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

It seems like it's been a while since the Demotivation Posters featured our furred and feathered friends. Try to refrain from saying "Aww".

Royal Baby Not William's First?

2011-11-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

The happy news that the Duchess of Cambridge (the former Kate Middleton) is expecting was doused today when Mariah Yeater announced that Prince William is the father of her baby. Fresh of the retraction of a paternity claim against Justin Bieber, the 20 year old San Diego resident now says the heir to the British throne impregnated her during his North American visit last year.

While she could not say exactly how such a union was possible as the royal couple only toured Canada and Ms. Yeater has not left the United States for more than three years, she is convinced that it was the prince who fathered her child. There has been no response from Buckingham Palace as yet.

Attorneys for Ms. Yeater commented she is seeking full financial support as would be expected of the monarchy in exchange for limited visitation. In addition she would like a gold carriage and the power to behead her 11th grade Spanish teacher Mr. Lopez.

If Yeater is unsuccessful in this case, she is prepared to launch a paternity claim against Edward from Twilight who she says visited her in a dream.

Superheroes Reject Super Committee

2011-11-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

A congressional super committee is struggling not only to deal with the national debt, but also to gain credibility with Americans. The bipartisan group made up of six Republicans and six Democrats must find over $1.4 trillion to trim from the federal budget without negatively affecting important government services. A recent poll shows a majority of Americans don't believe the effort will be successful and the super committee's failure may be an issue in polling booths in 2012.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, the nation's leading superheroes are voicing their own disappointment with Congress. "We were asked to participate, but the terms of engagement were unacceptable," said Superman. "There were too many restrictions on our individual rights for any of the Justice League to participate."

Citing issues such as a limitation on the use of non-powered flight and a complete ban on wearing capes in Washington, members of the Justice League of America declined taking part in the budget slashing exercise. "Wonder Woman was particularly offended by an atmosphere she described as 'toxicly anti-feminist' toward her bare legs and corset," said Superman. "To his credit, Aquaman was willing to set aside differences but was told there was no budgetary value in being able to communicate with sea creatures."

Rival superhero groups X-Men and the Avengers also snubbed the super committee on similar grounds. "We found the dress code issue particularly offensive," said Bruce Banner/Hulk. "I mean, it's not like I choose to run around with no shirt on and torn up pants. UnderArmor has been working on a state-of-the-art stretchable fabric for me, but so far the prototypes have been too unstable under stress, resulting in dangerous flying shards of fabric and one very painful hernia."

Alan Quartermain, head of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, has reported that so far nobody has approached his group of marginal superheroes to participate. As of press time, The Power Rangers had not replied to Dogs & Jeans' offer to comment.

NBA Lockout Pastimes

2011-11-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

Basketball fans across the country are lamenting the news today that the NBA lockout will continue. With the players rejecting the latest offer from the league, the entire season may be in jeopardy.

But fans should not lose all hope. Dogs & Jeans is here to suggest numerous other fun activities and pursuits to help you pass the time until basketball resumes, or March Madness, whichever comes first:

Finally download all your old VHS home movies to your computer.
Go viral on YouTube with your own rap interpretation of "Wichita Lineman".

Come up with a way to get Megan Fox back into a movie, preferably something where she ends up wet for no reason at all, like used to happen to Catherine Bell on "JAG".
Write letters for Amnesty International, just make sure you are not supporting the unlawful imprisonment of political dissidents.
Scheme to get Kasey and Vienna back together.
One word: hot yoga. Okay, that's two words. Two sweaty words.
Be the first in line to get tickets for "Breaking Dawn". See if you can set a world record for most consecutive viewings.
Repainting is always a good idea. Why not start with the baby’s room.

Get a new tattoo. Have it removed three weeks later.
Find some woman in the restaurant industry that says Herman Cain didn't harass her.
Start that screenplay you’ve been taking about with the bumbling hit man and his wisecracking robot.
One more word: Pilates.

Is Congress "Soft" on Corruption?

2011-11-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

A 60 Minutes expose has charged that several high ranking congressmen and women have received improper benefits from their positions. Being able to influence legislation which may result in a return on an investment is termed "Soft Corruption" and happens all to frequently. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi disputes the show's allegations that she profited from failed legislation to punish the credit card industry. The fact that she had recently made a large investment in VISA stock is apparently a "coincidence".

60 Minutes failed to report on other soft corruption instances, citing lack of evidence. Thankfully Dogs & Jeans is not hampered by such pesky journalistic details such as 'facts' and 'ethics'!

Here are some of the top Soft Corruption schemes employed by Congress:

Find an overrated celebrity-wannabe, have them film a grainy "sex tape" then stage a fake wedding while charging every media outlet millions for the rights to cover the event.

Vampire movies! Lots and lots of vampire movies!
Implement user fees for birth control (only applies to Jessie James at this point).
European drug companies use "creative financing" that promise high returns. How about some equally creative legislation to help them out?
Start a company with the word 'green' in the name, like "Green Streets", "Everlasting Greenways" or "Mrs. Henderson's Green Airlines and Fruit Pies". Pass legislation the provides million dollar grants to companies investing in environmental research. The one criteria to determine if their work qualifies for a "renewable energy" bonus million dollar grant is if the word 'green' is used in the business name.
Dogs & Jeans Million Dollar Ideas.

Invest in a tent manufacturing company. Allow people to camp out in major US cities for weeks and weeks. Invest in fire hoses and head lice treatments for when the whole "Occupy" movement comes crashing down.
Require a $10,000 deposit for anyone wanting to join the queue of Herman Cain sexual harassment accusers.

I Like Things That Are Great - Part 3

2011-11-09T10:05:00.000-08:00

Every so often the sum crumminess of the news becomes so collectively overwhelming for lampooning with Dogs & Jeans regular jackassery. That has once again occurred. I'm sitting here today surrounded newspapers and news sites delivering depressing information about scandals, both financial and sexual, and the general miserable nature of the way human being treat others. When that happens, I like to remind myself of the simple things I think are great.

Here are a few autumn-themed things:

Piles of raked fall leaves
The first cup of morning coffee (the second is never as good)
Ski vacation brochures
Sneaking from the kids' Halloween bags
Paper towels
Finding $5 in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn in six months
Showering in pairs
Tropical vacation brochures
Watching the Zamboni clean the ice between periods

Banana pancakes
When the dog scares the migrating ducks even though he knows full well he'll never catch them
Kissing under the extra blanket

Herman Cain Thanks Asteroid Collision

2011-11-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

The threat of an asteroid destroying the Earth today comes as a great relief to Herman Cain. After a week of almost daily announcements of new accusations of sexual harassment, any distraction is welcome. Asteroid 2005 YU55, a piece of space rock the size of an aircraft carrier, is scheduled to fly between our planet and the moon later this afternoon. While this gap is enormous by Earth standards, it is minuscule relative to the enormity of the galaxy. A collision with Earth, and the catastrophic consequences, is a statistical probability.

This is good news for the nomination campaign of the former head of the National Restaurant Association which has been fighting off new allegations of abuse since Cain became a leader in the GOP presidential nomination race. "We've been looking for another story to take us off the front page," said a campaign worker who wished to remain anonymous. "We hoped it would be a "feel good" story about a cancer survivor or maybe some kid in a well, but at this point we'll take anything we can get."

While the risk of the collision with Asteroid 2005 YU55 is low, the hope that it's potential end to all life as we know it may be just what Herman Cain supporters need. The Cain camp has been disappointed with the lack of momentum by other stories such as collapse of the European economy, the conviction of Conrad Murray or even the Justin Bieber paternity suit. "Nothing seems to be keeping Cain's accusers off of the front pages. Even the Kim Kardasian divorce hasn't had the staying power we thought. Maybe a real life Armageddon will do the trick."

If the the mass extinction of Earth's plants, animals and even humans is not enough to divert the public's attention, campaign staff are prepared to hunker down for a long, bitter struggle. They are even praying something else will take over the media's attention. "With any luck Sarah Palin will kill a guy."

Nov 15 Update: The asteriod flew by just fine, but Herman Cain is crashing and burning.

What Else Did Dr. Murray Do?

2011-11-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Now that Dr. Conrad Murray has been found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson, executives at CourtTV are concerned about a severe ratings drop. Without any high profile cases on the horizon, people may not be tuning into the specialty network for some time. However, as Dr. Murray is likely to lose his medical license as part of his sentence, the way may be clear for CourtTV to pay him to stand trial for some other rating's gold. As part of the terms of an early parole, expect prosecutors to file charges against Murray for one or more of the following outstanding cases:

The statutory rape of Justin Bieber or Mariah Yeater's false claim (depending on how the paternity test goes)

A second trial of Casey Anthony
The sexual harassment of several women from the National Restaurant Association
Sending pictures of his genitals to Jenn Sterger
A potential insider trading case after Warren Buffet bought $20 billion in stock.
The Secret of The Old Clock
The kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby
Anyone of several Lindesy Lohan DUI's and/or violations of probation
Russian grave robbing
Anything we couldn't get O.J. on.

Signs You're Not A Bond Girl

2011-11-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

Following yesterday's announcement of the title of the new James Bond film "Skyfall", the name of the next Bond Girl has been revealed. Little known French actress Berenice Marlohe will soon join the ranks of such Hollywood legends as Diana Rigg, Ursula Andress, Honor Blackman and Denise Richards. Sadly, many other celebrities will be devastated at not having been selected as the latest James Bond ingenue. But if they had read the signs properly, they might have known they were not in the running:

You filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber
You are 16 and married a 51 year old guy from 'Lost'.
You had multiple kids through in-vitro and then whored yourself out on TV.
Your idea of serving community service is partying and posing for Playboy.
Brett Favre sent you pictures of his 'nads.
Your marriage to an NBA player lasted less time than a "Lord of the Rings" film festival.
You have ever been on "Jersey Shore" or ever watched "Jersey Shore".
You quit "Gossip Girl" to become a pale imitation of Courtney Love.

Rejected James Bond Titles

2011-11-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

On the 50th anniversary of the decision that Sean Connery would star in his first James Bond, the latest title was announced. "Skyfall" will star Daniel Craig and continue the tradition that Connery began so long ago in "Dr. No".

No movie franchise could be so successful without careful consideration given to every aspect of the production including the name of the film. "Skyfall" has been no different. Months of brainstorming and tests groups ensured that your movie-going pleasure would not be spoiled by some of the following rejected James Bond titles:

"Never Say Never Again: The Lindsey Lohan Story"
"Ka-Boom!"
"The Great Greek Bailout"
"Ian Fleming's Series of Unfortunate Events That Involve Gadgets, Cool Cars and Promiscuous Sexual Behavior."
"For Justin Bieber's Eyes Only"
"Tiger Blood"
"Vampires Only Live Twice"

"Yo, Daniel Craig, I'm Really Happy For You and I'm Gonna Let You Finish, But 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service' Was The Best James Bond Movie Of All Time!"
"Timberlake"
"Octopussy" (What? That was really a title? I thought it was a joke.)
"From Wall Street With Love"
"Space Gun"
"The Kardashian Who Loved Me (but only for 74 days)"

Signs You're Justin Bieber's Love Child

2011-11-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

Reports are exploding across the airwaves and newsstands today that Justin Bieber fathered a child with a 19 year old fan. Mariah Yater, the now 20 year-old mom, claims she and the teen singer had a brief tryst (perhaps as brief as 30 seconds) while backstage after one of his concerts. Despite the that Bieber's then age of 16 would open her up to statutory rape charges, Yater's lawyers are asking Bieber for a paternity test and the subsequent support that would come from a positive result.

This is likely the first of many claims against young Justin if his fame continues to increase over the years. Dogs & Jeans has developed an inexpensive and simple set of criteria people can use down the road to determine if you might be Justin Bieber's Love Child:

You are completely incapable of growing a beard, moustache or pubic hair of any type.
You are a better dancer than a white person should be.
People say you are the exact opposite of Charles Bronson.
You are always surrounded by a faint aroma of maple syrup.
You have often been mistaken for an elf.
None of the Kardashians will marry you, even briefly.
You are chosen as Baby Jesus for the Christmas pageant, and you're 32.
You are the best hockey player in town and never had a single lesson.
When you drive, even the brake pedals in a SmartCar are too far away.
Your favorite reading material is "Teen Beat".
No matter how much you drink, you can't get "And I was like baby, baby, baby oh, like baby, baby, baby no, like baby, baby, baby oh," out of your head.

Nov 16 Update: Mariah Yeater has dropped her paternity claim against Bieber. Oh, and her lawyers have fired her. And she smells kind of funny too.

What I Learned This Halloween: Part 2

2011-11-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

Two Halloween's ago, I posted some newly found wisdom gained while handing out candy. This year proved to be no less educational.

Trick or treating in the mall at 4 PM does not have the same mystique as going door to door in the foggy darkness. It actually borders on costumed extortion.
On a dollar per hour basis, trick or treating generates about $1.70/hour in revenue
Requiring teenagers to actually say "Trick or Treat" results in an unfavorable Facebook comment by the time they are at the end of your driveway.
You can add the word "zombie" to anything and it becomes a costume: zombie accountant, zombie physiotherapist, zombie teacher's assistant.
Kids do not prefer edemame to Oh Henry's.
Despite there being no evidence to support it, I carrying on scaring my kids about weirdos putting razor blades in the candy the same way my parents did.
On the eve of Movember, my upper lip Day 1 bristles are not sufficient to be considered a costume all on their own.

By next Halloween, I hope to know it all.

Serendipitous Halloween News

2011-10-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the Universe turns the gears in its magnificent and mystical machinery and aligns several events at once. When this happens, the blogophere benefits greatly, both in the ease of producing posts without putting effort into pesky details like writing anything original and by generating random hits from people Googling any one of the topics in the article.

Today is one of those coincidental convergences. It's Halloween, a subject rife with Internet traffic searching for costume ideas ranging from stupid and gross to sexy and slutty. In political news, a new poll puts former GOP darling Michele Bachmann in dead last in the nomination race while in the world of entertainment, reality TV star Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her husband of only 74 days. Mix these tidbits together in a witch's cauldron and you get the following posting:

Kim's Costumes Help Bachmann Get Back:
Reality TV star Kim Kardashian is reaching out to Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann. Just a day after announcing her divorce from pro basketball player Kris Humphries, the celebrity is moving forward in her life by getting involved in politics. Upon learnign that Ms. Bachmann is now trailing other candidates in recent poles and fast losing the support of her Tea Party base, Kardashian is lending her assistance as a stylist. She has pulled out her old Halloween costumes and is recommending the Minnesota Congresswoman wear one to put some life back into her nomination campaign.

Kim believes that anyone of the following Halloween outfits will show voters just how "fun and sexy" politics can be:

Princess Jasmin:

Bachmann may not be able to deliver on 'A Whole New World' as Jasmin's signature song says, but she could get some mileage from a whole new campaign, a campaign where bare midriffs are all the rage. This costume has the added bonus of showing Bachmann's sensitivity to Arab culture.

Wonder Woman:

All the world's waiting for you,

and the power you possess.

In your satin tights,

Fighting for your rights

And the old Red, White and Blue.

To paraphrase President Clinton, "There's nothing wrong in America that can't be fixed by what's campy in America." Bachmann will also be able to appeal to the comic book nerd vote.

Sexy Pirate:

Who wouldn't walk the plank for a presidential pirate with such a bountiful treasure chest?

Queen of Hearts:

Dressed like this, Bachmann will turn any candidate debate into a 'win' with her simple answer of "Off With Their Heads" in response to any question about tax reform, health care or foreign policy.

Sailor:

None of the other candidates has yet shown much support for the military. Bachmann could paint herself as the "Armed Forces Candidate" using a variety of scanty costumes in army, navy, air force and marine themes. Ma'am, Yes Ma'am!

Friday Demotivation - Halloween 2011

2011-10-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Another Halloween, another series of Demotivational Costume Posters brought to you by Dogs & Jeans.

If you are undecided on a costume or have questions about the appropriateness of the costume you have selected, please check out our advice posts here:

Women

We hope all your tricks will be few and your treats will be many (and sexy).

His Halloween Hook-Up

2011-10-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, Dogs & Jeans reviewed Bad Women’s Halloween Costumes while providing some helpful advice on smarter selections. As the article stated, Halloween is a pretty easy event for women seeking a 'hook-up' since it’s a free pass to look slutty. Plus, women have the tantalizing option of using Body Paint.

However, costume selection for guys it’s a little tougher since women seem to be turned off by a slutty looking guy (go figure!) And Men’s Body Paint is a worse idea than investing in an Iraqi airline. But one Halloween costume rule is essential: Avoid anything that draws attention to your genitals or related to your bowel movements in anyway. Joking about fucking and shitting are funny in the right place (like in an ice-fishing cabin with your buddies), but have they ever gotten you laid? I didn’t so (unless it was one swingin’ ice-fishing weekend!).

Good Men’s Costumes fall into four main categories but they all have one thing in common: fulfilling a lady’s fantasy. The great costumes combine two or more of them.

A Man In Uniform:

Costumes in this category are a sure-fire way to get conversation, and the juices, flowing at any Halloween get together. Prepare a few simple lines of banter about the dangers of being a firefighter/policeman/soldier/airline pilot. An added bonus is the option of wearing sunglasses with most uniform-related costumes will maintain an air of mystery.

Mistakes: Try and stay away from any costume that makes you look like one of The Village People.

Uniform Variation – Sports Figure:

Also a popular costume, posing as The Athlete can get a lot of mileage with the right lady. However, you can come across as lonely fantasy sports geek especially if you dress as someone current, such as anyone playing in the current World Series. Try generic sports costumes like Vintage Baseball Player or Race Car Driver that show you are an original guy (as well as showing off your ass or pecs).

Mistakes: Michael Vick. He may be an amazing quarterback and you can argue all you want about how he has paid his debt to society, but any women who sees you in a #7 Vick jersey will just think “Puppy Killer”.

Imaginary/Historical Characters:

Arriving at the party as a Roman centurion, pirate or gunfighter is rarely a mistake. What woman can resist the advances of a dashing vampire or play Maid Marianne to your brooding Robin Hood (but beware the green tights!)? The right costume in this category suggests to a woman she can expect a night of adventure that may include both swashing and buckling. Gangsters (the 1930’s type) are also a hit with the dames, but avoid Gangsta’s and Pimps.

Mistakes: The humorous variations that draw attention to your cock. Put the junk away until the time is right.

Movie/TV Characters:
The realm of popular culture is rife with excellent costume choices, but you have to be smart about it. Don’t pick a figure so obscure you have to spend the whole night explaining that you’re not Legolas but some another elf from Lord of the Rings. In fact, stay away from the whole Sci-Fi world entirely. Your best bet is to pick a character that also incorporates one of the above categories. For example:

Pirate? Try Captain Jack Sparrow.

Pilot? Try Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell

Gladiator? Try “Gladiator”

Get the idea?

Humorous:
This is a tricky category. As many guys know, what seems hilarious to a man can be gross, immature, stupid or offensive to a woman. As stated above, avoid any costume that obviously demonstrates you have a penis and intend to use it before the sun comes up, with or without a partner. Wearing one of the many costume disasters below will guarantee you will have a year to regret your Halloween selection all by yourself.

But all is not lost. A funny costume can get the right lady to fall for you but it has to be clever. As we have stated, the best costumes combine the elements of the other categories:

Historical Figures: Hugh Hefner or one of the Beetles

Fantasy: Spiderman or Batman

TV/Movie Characters: Greg Brady or Ron Burgundy

Exception: Austin Powers – The famed British spy is both whimsical and a movie character, but most women can’t get past the teeth. For a successful variation, throw on a tuxedo and arrive as any one of six James Bonds.

Dogs & Jeans wishes you a happy and lucky Halloween.

What Do The Occupiers Want?

2011-10-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

With the "Occupy Wall Street" movement entering it's third week, the public has many questions. Actually, there is really only one question people ask as the rallies spill over to "Occupy Chicago", "Occupy Atlanta", "Occupy Terre Haute" and other cities across North America: "What do they want?"

So far the "leaderless" protests have provided vague responses to reporters questions ranging from "reducing corporate greed" to "restoring the voice of the 99%". These are slogans which might look good on an Old Navy T-shirt or iPad sticker, but don't provide any concrete answers.

Dogs & Jeans sent their Crack Popular Culture Mavens to the tent city to find out what The Occupiers really want:

Facebook to implement an "Underpants Status" feature
to find out who ate the damn pizza rolls!
information on the whereabouts of Casey Anthony
A BCS championship playoff system.
a bath
A flu vaccine that also whitens teeth

more screen time for NFL cheerleaders
For people to stop calling them 'homeless'. The have apartments and dorm rooms but choose to make a statement by sleeping in the park.
The next GI Joe movie to be released already!
Tony LaRussa and the Cardinals coaching staff to get iPhones before Game 6.
Another day added to February. This day will be devoted to the playing of Angry Birds.

More macrame outfits.

A flat tax that applies to everyone but me.
No really, who ate the damn pizza rolls?
A Billboard #1 hit for Kelly Clarkson
The return of New Coke
Will somebody tell us what ACORN stands for?
With 7 billion people on the planet, why can't I find someone who loves me for being me?
More pudding.

Nov 1 Update: Thanks to our friends over at The Chive for providing this great photo response to the Occupiers from one of America's Finest:

Wanna Get Laid For Halloween?

2011-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Halloween is fast approaching and Dogs & Jeans is here again to help with your costume dilemmas. In the past we have posted about:

All of which have helped many loyal readers with their social standing and carnal needs while generating excellent Google traffic for the site. But some people still have difficulty with their costume selection.

You would think picking a costume would be easy for women. After all, Halloween is a great excuse for dressing slutty (as this excellent video from our friends at Cracked.com remind us).

However, not everything has been jack o’lanterns and mini candy bars. Many women have written in seeking advice about costumes that may not provide a memorable boot-knocking Halloween. As a public service, Dogs & Jeans will share those dreadful inquiries with an explanation of why these are bad choices.

The Baby Costume
You may think the “bib and bonnet” look is cute as a bug but the baby is a sure-fire boner killer for any man. Forget the fact that footy pj’s remind him of visiting Aunt Sandi’s who is always sick and wears a Snuggi all day, but did you really think a guy looking to hook up wants to do so with an infant? If you do find a guy who wants to help change you diaper, better put a call in to Chris Hansen.

Even the Little Orphan Annie outfit is disturbingly too young.

If you are thinking youth, then don’t go younger than Naughty School Girl. He could at least pretend you are a high school senior.

Broccoli
I may not know much, but I do know that no man is turned on by food his mom had to threaten him to eat. You look like a mouldy Gumby, and you’re not getting laid as the fresh Gumby either. The same goes for asparagus, peas, grapes and just about every other fruit or vegetable.

If you are keen on a “food” theme, how about Pizza Delivery Girl? The clichéd sexual banter writes itself:

“I bet you’ve got a juicy slice.”

“I’ve got something hot in my box for you.”

“I hope you take delivery in 30 minutes or less.”

He might even stick around because everyone knows pizza is just as tasty the next morning.

Second choice: Hamburger Dress (but leave of the Ronald McDonald make-up - see the section on Clowns below)

Fat Hula Girl

Perhaps you are missing the point of this non-holiday. This is the one night of the year you can wear a grass skirt and coconut bra and not be called a skank. Unless you live in cold climate, why wear the fat suit on top? Get your spray on tan and hair extensions and get those coconut halves knocking!

Osama bin Laden

You might have had some success with this edgy costume before the SEALS shot him in the head and dumped his body in the ocean. The same holds true for other Current Events figures like Mummar Gadhafi.

If you insist on going as someone from the news, stick with Slutty Sarah Palin (or is it Slutty Tina Fey?).

Circus Clown
Clowns are creepy. End of discussion. Maybe Salma Hayek could pull off a sexy clown look, but I doubt it. Even she could not get past the circus atmosphere of calliope music, crazed laughter and B.O. this costume would create.

The closest thing to 'erotic' a Google Image Search for “sexy clown costume” bring up is Batman’s nemesis Harlequin. Anything else with floppy shoes, orange hair and funny hat only reminds men of Stephen King’s “It”.

Sexy Freddy Kruger

Actually, the jury is still out on this one. As a rule, blood and gore tends not to get a guy thinking about getting between the sheets. Plus there is the risk of one of those razor sharp knives coming a little too close to private parts that could make him wish he was far away from Elm Street. But the gender turn-about is intriguing and your selection of the most unique slasher film villains shows you are an out of the box thinker.

However, if you are considering a movie character, why not stick with a sci-fi space classic like Princess Leia or Lt. Uhura? Everyman wants to conquer the final frontier.

Super Shopper
If you meet a guy who wants to do you in this, you have just met a man who is not over his ex-wife. Good luck with that.

Bun In the Oven

Countless medical studies have proven that men do not consider the consequences of their actions except in one instance: knocking someone up. This goes for Pregnant Cheerleader, Pregnant Nun and all manner of prenatal costume adaptations.

If you want to stay with a Kitchen Theme, it's hard to go wrong with Sexy Chef. (Any executives from the Food Network interested in a pitch?)

Anita Valium
Guys all know that Crazy Sex is some of the best sex going. However, the follow up to Crazy Sex, The Crazy Girlfriend, is not so great. Nobody needs the straight jacket to remind them of the unexplained crying fits, the thousands of phone messages and texts asking where he is, the aborted break-ups when suicide was threatened and need to change emails, change jobs and change towns just to get away. Keep your crazy suit in the closet, deep in the closet.

Big Bird

NO! I repeat: NO!

Plastic Surgery Patient
I’m not even sure where to start with this ball-shriveller of a costume. This is a mix of Clown and Crazy with a dash of Freddy Kruger thrown in. Besides, nobody thinks the “Before” picture is appealing. That’s why it’s the “Before”.

Why not go as the plastic surgery “After” like Kim Kardashian or any enhanced Playboy Bunny?

Come back later this week for some badly needed advice for the guys.