Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Papal Conclave Set To Bust Bracket


Coming off a solid home win in selecting Pope Francis to lead the world’s Catholics, The College of Cardinals are poised to make history in the NCAA Basketball Championship. Through a last-minute regional qualifier, the Cardinals (who have no association with number one seed Louisville) enter the tournament as a 16 seed but have high hopes.

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“We plan to be the first Number 16 to make it past the first round,” said Cardinal Augusto Berlusconi, the Vatican team’s point guard. “And from there we plan to knock off one team at a time to the Final Four, God willing.”

While much Catholic support has always gone to Notre Dame and Villanova, many expect the papal representatives to draw even more. “Whether as a Cinderella, underdog story, or as the ‘Chosen Team of Destiny’ we expect the Cardinals to really raise the public’s interest in this year’s March Madness,” said Tournament organizer Skip Peterson.

Many basketball purists may dismiss the elderly clerics as a first-round cassock-wearing side-show but there is no denying the already raised interest the first game on Thursday has. “We only expect it to build from there,” said Peterson.

Asked Berlusconi, “With the Blessed Virgin Mary as our one and only cheerleader, how can we lose?”

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Vatican Pushes The Envelope


In a ground breaking move, the The Catholic Church has selected not only the first Pope from South America but even more shocking is an elderly white man. The Conclave of Cardinals has flaunted tradition by elevating Jorge Bergogolio, the archbishop of Buenos Aires, to become Pope Francis I shocking many pilgrims waiting in St. Peter's Square. "We were expecting the Church to continue with it's history of picking young women of color to lead us," said Giuseppe Benevido between tears. "I'm all for bringing  us into the 21st Century but perhaps this is too much all at once!"


Not only does the newest Pope stray from the "pontiff ideal" in terms of his gender and place of origin, his advanced age of 76 puts him significantly over the average age of popes in the modern era. With a mean age of 27.5, Pope Francis exceeds the norm by more than 50 years.

While some are welcoming the breath of fresh air, American Catholics are dismayed. Most had been expecting the selection of Nicki Minaj to guide the church in Rome, but had been prepared for upset outsider such as Korea's Yuna Kim or even Raven Simone. For many, it ended weeks of religious expectation. "How does the Church expect to maintain time honored elements such as celibacy, poverty and religious intolerance with such an obvious radical in the Holy See?"