Friday, August 31, 2012

Democrats' Convention Surprises

Clint Eastwood Empty Chair GOp convention speech
The Internet is abuzz with Clint Eastwood’s Empty Chair speech at the Republican National Convention last night’s. The Hollywood tough guy director and actor, who many predicted would be the Mystery Speaker, even upstaged GOP nominee Mitt Romney, which his satirical dialogue with an invisible Barack Obama.

Dogs & Jeans has learned that the Democrats are not going to be outdone and are planning to have a big name celebrity lampoon the Right Wing at their convention next month. Here are some of the rumored acts:

    Matt Damon Jason Bourne
  • Matt Damon will reprise his role as Jason Bourne and attempt to flee a platoon of Tea Party mercenaries wearing Richard Nixon masks.

  • Gymnasts Aly Raisman, Gabby Douglas and McKayla Muroney will make a series of “Not Impressed” faces when shown pictures of Mitt Romney’s accomplishments.

  • Jerry Sandusky will speak from his jail cell about how a Republican White House would set him free to prey on our nation’s youth.

  • In a bizarre piece of “Installation Art”, everyone watches Venus, the Two-Faced Cat, sitting on a pillow until it is scared off stage by the Ghost of Sherman Helmsley

    Big Bang Theory Penny sexy Kelly Cuoco
  • Penny, Leonard, Sheldon and gang from "Big Bang Theory" will present Democrats with an America where science research has been banned and public school curricula are based on a literal translation of The Bible.

  • Charlie Sheen will perform an unscripted rant where he blames Mitt Romney for everything from Global Warming and the outsourcing of American jobs to China, to the cancellation of ABC’s “Pan Am” and injecting Lance Armstrong with Human Growth Hormones.

  • The gang of Jersey Shore will do some improv where they ask the audience for a setting, a movie style and an American wasteland once the GOP finish raping the country.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

GOP Excitement

With Hurricane Isaac bearing down on the Gulf States, GOP Organizers are concerned that the public’s attention is being drawn away from the Republican convention. This has long been a worry in the Party considering that Mitt Romney locked up the nomination so many months ago. Without the drama of a real nomination race from the floor, the need to hold such a large event became redundant and the media attention waned accordingly.

Dogs and Jeans Crack Research Squad
Because of this, Republicans are offering other entertainment during the convention in hopes of really sparking the imagination of American voters. Dogs & Jeans’ Crack Research Squad has gone behind the scenes to discover the entertainment being featured filled with Right-Wing goodness:

• Governor Chris Christie’s rousing opening night speech was followed up by his winning the Republican Hot Dog Eating Contest.

• Cirque de Soleil will be performing trapeze routines over the convention floor every 15 minutes (despite Paul Ryan’s mortal fear of acrobats).

• In the convention centre pool, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte will be towing former President Bush on his water skis,

• Newly minted member Condoleezza Rice will be hosting a membership drive for the Augusta National Golf Club.

• Lock up your wives because Matthew McConaughey will be attending the convention shirtless!

• There has been a rumor circulating that Wolf Blizter is, in fact, a werewolf. Anyone who denies it is likely a werewolf themselves.

• Forget Hurricane Isaac. The Province of Saskatchewan had amassed its forces along the Montana border. 2500 pissed off farmers of Ukrainian descent are ready to invade!

• Former VP Dick Cheney has volunteered to be Tasered by members of the Florida National Guard to demonstrate the power of his new pacemaker.

• John McCain challenged Romney to a best-of-three arm wrestling match. Loser has to address the convention without pants. Everybody knows McCain's got some sneaky-ass Navy arm wrestling skills.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Phony Russian Brides

Russian mail order sexy bride
A Texas man is on trial for attempting to kidnap his Ukrainian Internet girlfriend for the purposes of slowly killing her after he learned that she had bilked him of thousands of dollars. This is not the first time that Dogs & Jeans has addressed the issue of scamming foreign bride services. Perhaps this list of indicators would help lonely men identify if their Russian mail order bride is genuine in her affection:
  • She signs her emails with Anna, Olga and Karina claiming they are all the same in Russian.
  • You take her on a romantic getaway to Minsk, with an insurance guy from Cleveland named Lloyd.
  • Her answering machine plays her favorite romantic song Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch," but has changed the next line to "the correct numeric sequence to your ATM card."
  • You have to wait in the hall while she takes a shower, with her 'Business Manager'.
  • The money you sent for her grandmother's emergency surgery turned out to be be for a new tattoo, for her boyfriend.
  • She drops her kids off at your hotel for you to watch while she goes to dinner with a CPA from Tampa.
  • Three months after accepting your marriage proposal, her website is still up claiming she is waiting to hear from a nice American man like you!
  • The provocative pictures she send of herself are addressed to Tony, Roy or Bill but your name is Peter.
  • She keeps avoiding consummating your relationship claiming her "penis hurts".

Monday, August 27, 2012

Paralympic Discrimination

Paralympic Athletes 2012 London Olympics
The 2012 Paralympic Summer Games are now underway in London. Surprised? Most people are, considering the official Closing Ceremonies of the 2010 Games occurred more than 2 weeks ago. Despite the tremendous strides made by physically challenged athletes like Oscar Pistorius, Games Organizers continue to segregate them to an event only well after the rest of the world has grown weary of Olympics and turned their attention to other interests. The only thing that could make these athletes feel more like second class citizens would be to not have a competition at all.

The complaints that American viewers had to wait for prime-time tape delayed coverage on NBC during the Olympics now seems petty when you consider there is virtually no coverage of the Paralympics. Most other nations will enjoy nearly as many hours of sports broadcast as the bale-bodied games but not in the US. The Opening Ceremony is one of the biggest draws of the able-bodied games, attracting sports fans and non-sports fans alike. However Friday's Paralympic Opening Ceremony (yes, the is a unique Paralympic opening ceremony) was not even broadcast live, but re-played at 2PM Saturday afternoon, when nobody is watching TV unless they are wearing a court ordered ankle bracelet.

Can you imagine if there was one Olympics for men and a second one two weeks later for women? What about one for white people and a second for everyone else? Imagine that the first games received all the sponsors and coverage? So why should handicapped people suffer the same ignominy? And to increase the sensitivity of this issue, the largest growing segment of disabled athletes competing are military veterans.

Now, I'm a big sports fan, but I find it hard to get enthusiastic about handicapped sports, and it has nothing to do with the nature of the competitors. For all but 2 weeks every four years, I don't care a thing about handball, judo or beach volleyball, but for those 2 weeks, I'm a freaking expert. I don't miss a single gymnastics event or triple jump.

If the Paralympic events were held during the "other" Olympics, I'd be yelling at the TV during Goalball or wheelchair basketball as loudly as I would during the "other" basketball. I know this because the Beijing Summer Games held some of the Paralympic track and field events at the same time. And they were AWESOME!
I suggest the IOC simply roll the Paralympic events into a single Olympic Games. Scheduling for venues might require the games extend to 3 weeks instead of 2, but so what? We get one more week of friendly competition and global cooperation. Plus there is only one set of Opening and Closing Ceremonies to coordinate (and I don't watch those anyway because nobody can win).

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dutch Girl Named Tour Champ

In the aftermath of the decision to strip Lance Armstrong of his seven Tour de France victories, a nine year old Dutch girl has been named race champion for the years 1999 to 2005. Annalise Van der Veen, a resident of Rotterdam, was informed by telephone that race organizers had decided to award the title to her this morning, despite the fact that she was not even alive for four of the races.

Girl Cyclist Tour de France Champ
Wearing a blue and pick T-shirt and denim shorts, Miss Van der Veen held a press conference at a local park. Under the watchful gaze of her parents Karl and Marie, Tour officials bestowed the honor of Greatest Cyclist in History on the little blond girl. It was a decision intended to bring an end to years of controversy and chaos in professional bicycling.

“Once Armstrong decided to end his fight with the US Doping Commission, we had to look at who the runners-up were for each race,” said Tour spokesman Pierre Bourbonnais. “After years of flagrant use of performance enhancement drugs in pro cycling, we could not say anyone in Armstrong’s races was clean.”
hot dutch girls cycling fans celebrate
Across the Netherlands, fans celebrated Holland's retunr to cycling prominance. Most were shocked at the decison to crown someone virtually unknown outside her neighbourhood, but were thrilled nonetheless.

After going through the list of all eligible cyclists, officials had no confidence that naming any of Armstrong’s competitors champion would end the controversy. “There were too many skeletons in all the racers’ closets,” lamented Bourbonnais. The committee made a decision to bestow the seven tour victories on someone who was free of the taint of scandal. “Miss Van der Veen was the only bicycle rider in Europe we could identify with 100% certainty as a clean cyclist.”
lance armstrong tour de france

Despite his decision to no longer contest the allegations into his doping, Armstrong still maintains his innocence. He will now serve a lifetime ban from competitive cycling, and all accomplishments achieved will be removed from the record books.

For her part, little Annalise was pleased with the decision, but seemed somewhat confused by the whole process. After thanking reporters, she folded the seven Tour de France yellow jerseys into her backpack and rode home.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Texas Prepares For The Worst

A Texas judge is warning citizens to prepare for the worst if President Obama wins re-election. From civil unrest by residents of the state to giving control of America to the UN, Lubbock County Judge Tom Head is trying all manner of fear mongering to prevent locals from voting Democrat in November. Head has gone so far as to produce a brochure entitled “What Could Do Wrong if Obama Wins”:

No more strippers at GOP Conventions

The Federal Reserve will triple interest rates, with additional revenue being given directly to Cuba

Pablo Cruise Reunion Tour
Katie Holmes will be required to re-united with Tom Cruise, who will be required to re-unite with Nicole Kidman. Keith Urban will then be obligated to marry Mimi Rogers whose current husband will be forced to join the Pablo Cruise re-union tour

Defeat of the Superfriends by the Legion of Doom

Collapse of the Mayan Empire, again!

The state motto of Texas will be changed to “Come on over and mess with us!”

A ban on Spanx

Every second hospital will be closed and turned into a Soviet-Muslim education facility for our nation’s youth. Won’t someone think about the children?

If you though Perez Hilton was a pain in the ass now, just wait…

Registered Republicans will be automatic organ donors, and death may not be a requirement for harvesting

sofia vergara modern family sexy actress cleavage
In an end to sexy, Sofia Vergara will be forced to dress as Lucille Ball in public

The CDC will be produce a new strain of viruses designed to keep Republicans weak while marauding bands of gypsies roam our nation

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

%#*& Todd Akin Says

Republican Todd Akin is facing more heat to drop out as a Senate candidate over remarks that a woman’s body can “shut down” a pregnancy that results from a “legitimate rape.” So far, the Missouri politician is resisting calls for him to quit, some that come from the top party brass itself. Ryan’s bizarre and ill-informed position defending the rights of the unborn should be no surprise to those who follow politics. This is not the first time the Congressman has made puzzling and, sometimes, offensive comments in the media:

bachelor pad pool party bikini swimming
“I would recommend that parents encourage their children to watch ABC’s Bachelor Pad as the values of honesty and fidelity portrayed should for the cornerstone of the next generation’s way of life in America.”

“Disabled athletes should not be allowed to participate in their own ‘Paralympic’ games. They should be forced to compete with legitimate athletes in the same Olympic Games since God created them as inferior for a purpose.”

“Puerto Rico should be banned from potential statehood as their style of sinful dancing summons the Devil.”

“The proof that dinosaurs never existed can be found in their complete lack of reference in the Bible. This is also true of other figments of the Liberal agenda not mentioned in the Bible such as asparagus, social assistance and the alleged continent of Australia.”

miss china miss universe winner
“Because women from China are smaller and more delicate, they have an unfair advantage in the Miss Universe pageant.”

“Years of Democratic governments giving money to immigrants and welfare cheats have so weakened the Kansas City Royals, they should be able to start the season with a 10 game head start.”

“The liberal pork-barrel program known as NASA has never accomplished any of their extraordinary claims such as the moon landing, space shuttle missions or deep space exploration. These have all been manufactured by a left-wing Hollywood agenda. However, early Christians did establish a colony on Jupiter’s moon IO. It is from this base that presents are manufactured and distributed by angels on Christmas morning.”

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

More Gas For The Rocket

With the signing of Roger Clemens to the Sugerland Skeeters, rumors abound that the former major league ace is attempting a return to the Big Leagues. While no spokesman for Clemens has confirmed this is the intent of the multi Cy Young Award winner, there are some unmistakable signs that Clemens is hoping to land a pitching contract with a major league team:
Roger Clemens baseball pitcher Houston Astros

  • The good people from Advil left an additional flat of Extra Strength pain relievers at his Texas home.

  • There are more flights arriving at Sugerland Texas this week than there are NHL teams filing for bankruptcy.

  • Roger is using the push mower instead of the riding tractor to get back in playing condition.

  • His neck has returned to it's normal size: Buffalo width
  • Three more horses arrived to his Houston ranch. More horses = More horse urine = more steroids.

  • Brett Favre's book "Your Guide To A Successful Comeback" is overdue at Clemens local library.

And here is Funny or Die's take on Roger Clemens' return:

Monday, August 20, 2012

Augusta Opens Floodgates

At long last, the Augusta National Golf Club will admit female members. In an announcement today, the host of the Masters Championship will invite Condoleeza Rice and businesswoman Darla Moore to wear the famous Green Jacket. As if driven by momentum, Augusta Chairman Billy Payne declared the following list of other new members, all of who were previously ineligible:

  • Sith Lords

  • Members of Pussy Riot

  • Clemson alumni

  • Wisecracking robots

  • Julian Assange

    McKayla Muroney Unimpressed wtih Augusta National
  • Bankrupt Facebook investors

  • McKayla Maroney

Friday, August 17, 2012

Pussy Riot Sued

pussy riot bandRussian punk band Pussy Riot has just been sentenced to 2 years in prison for "hooliganism" for their part in a Moscow anti-Putin protest. Sadly, the legal troubles for the radical girl group is only growing worse.

A lawsuit has be entered on behalf of a Florida nightclub with the same name today. Lawyers for "Pussy Riot", a Miami bar and show lounge have entered a "cease and desist" order in a Dade County court room, claiming the Russian "Pussy Riot" infringes on their trademark. The Miami Pussy Riot has been open for business since 2007, first as a Hooters-style family restaurant, then morphing into a "gentleman's club" late last last year.

pussy riot nightclub
"The owners of Pussy Riot has spent much time and money creating a brand known throughout the South Florida region which is now being unfairly tarnished by the actions of this all-female Russian band," said Tom Denby, a lawyer for the night club. "Celebrities from film, television, music and especially professional sports teams all come to Pussy Riot knowing they can relax in a safe, fun environment. Being linked unfairly to this group who engage in 'hooliganism' and all manner of questionable tomfoolery or shenanigans is unfair and must be stopped."

The lawsuit is demanding the girl punk band to drop the name "Pussy Riot" immediately and pay $4.5 million in damages. "Alternately, the owners are willing to forgive any money in damages if the girls are willing to come to Miami and perform as Pussy Riot's house band upon their release from prison," added Denby.

A spokesman for popular Atlanta night club "Rioting Pussy" told Dogs & Jeans they are considering joing the lawsuit as a class action.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

News Coincidences

The winner of the Michigan Powerball Lottery’s $2 million does not appear to receive the cheque and Wiki Leaks founder Julian Assange seeks political asylum at Ecuador’s Embassy in London. Coincidence?

Two prison guards are fired for Facebooking a female inmate and Facebook stocks hit an all-time low of $19. Coincidence?

McKayla Muroney Aly Raisman Kyla Not Impressed
Wisconsin is a dead heat for the presidential race after Paul Ryan is named as Mitt Romney’s VP and McKayla Muroney is not impressed. Coincidence?

It’s still bikini season and I can try Sensa free? Coincidence?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Signs You Live in the Fattest State

Mississippi has topped the list of “Fattest State in America” for another year. Of course, if you observe the following social indicators, it should come to you as surprise that your state is on the heavy size:

    kim kardashian hollywood actress bikini sexy pictures
  • Polls show Kim Kardashian is voted your state's favorite "Painfully Underfed Skinny Celebrity"

  • When you book a plane ticket on line, it defaults to “2 seats” when you enter your address.

  • Your state’s Pan Handle is now referred to as a “Love Handle”

    fat bikini model
  • The Miss America Contestant from your state is exempt from the swimsuit portion of the competition for reasons of “public decency”

  • The state bird has been changed to “Roast Chicken”


  • When recommending economic cut backs to address the poor economy, the Governor carefully refrains from mentioning “tightening our belts”.

    fat man big belly
  • The State Motto is now “Do I Look Fat in This?”

  • The cost of dinner at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet is equivalent to a semester of college.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Final Random Olympic Thoughts

Thanks to all the readers of Dogs & Jeans Olympic Blogs over the past fortnight (How's that for British?). We'll wrap up the competition with some final musings:

    Fab Five Gold medal
  • There is an epidemic of medal biting in ceremony photos. It is worse than all the Facebook duck lips pictures. The medals for Rio 2016 should be covered with arsenic to put a stop to it.

  • The javelin events featured no athletes from African nations (South Africa doesn’t count because their throwers were all white). They have been throwing spears in Africa since the dawn of man for crying out loud. And for that matter, didn’t the bow and arrow originate in Africa? Why don’t the Kenyans dominate archery events like they do running?

  • Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there are three Olympic officials for every actual athlete. Every event is swarming with stout little men and women in navy blazers with light blue piping.

  • Describing a diver who competes in both 10m platform and 5m springboard as “versatile” is not accurate since they are both diving events. Versatile would be competing in diving and basketball, or diving and fencing etc. The heptathlon is versatile. Diving from different heights is not.

    Spice Girls Olympics
  • The Spice Girls had a big summer in 1997, but so did Whitney Houston and Madonna. Judging by their appearance in the Olympic closing ceremonies, time has been kinder to Posh and the girls.

  • When did BMX become an Olympic event?

  • Thanks to its Worldwide Sponsorship deal with Proctor & Gamble, Pringles are the official reconstituted potato flavored snack of the 2012 Olympic Games. That must have been a blow to the other reconstituted potato flavored snacks like…

Friday, August 10, 2012

Olympic Writers Write!

On Day 15, Dogs & Jeans brings you the London 2012 edition of Famous Writers at The Games. As we have done in Olympics past, we invite famous writers, (sometimes dead ones) to give us their literary versions of competition coverage. Please enjoy the Summer 2012 version.

Tom Clancy on Women's Soccer

Canada US womens olympic soccer
Christiana Pedersen closed the bathroom door confident no one had seen her enter. She counted to ten and listened for footsteps just in case. All was quiet. The Norwegian soccer referee was alone. The planning for today had been long, but now the time was short. The semifinal match was minutes away but neither Canada nor the US could know the real game was already afoot.

Christiana gripped the edge of the Kohler sink with both hands and exhaled deeply. There could be no stress allowed to show. To accomplish her goal of creating rematch of last year’s World Cup final between the USA and Japan, she needed to be flawless. Slowly she raised her head and stared into the vanity mirror, a British design now manufactured in large quantities in China. Her skin was flawless, her hair just so. She was attractive but not memorable. She could be part of the action, but if she player her role right, she would be forgotten at the end of the day.

She pulled her silver whistle, a pealess Fox Model X-2 from her shorts pocket and draped the lanyard over her head. Pedersen blew a whisper of a puff into the mouthpiece and heard the faint trill that in 90 minutes would screech out the end of one team’s gold medal hopes before its time. One last smile before she assumed the dead-eyed stare of what would soon make her the most dangerous woman in soccer.

Danielle Steele on US Women’s Gymnastics: Five Stars

US Olympic gymnastics fab five fierce
These five girls on the verge of ripening to full womanhood have had success, but the price paid to get there may have been too high to repay without cost. The Fierce Five are as close as sisters, and like sisters, their relationships are complicated, perhaps each embrace hiding a desire for harm, behind each smile a secret that none can keep hidden for long. And each known best their first name only:

Jordyn: The former star of the program handles disappointment with grace but can she play the role of team helper while keeping her envy for the new stars in check?

Aly: The reliable leader who knows finds the allure of her new-found stardom too easy enticing and begins to resent the teammates who want to keep her back.

McKalya: The one with the greatest expectations who struggles with the only failure she has ever known.

Gabby: Everyone’s favorite who soars high but also crashes hard; and

Kyla: She does her job without ever drawing attention to herself, but still waters run deep, and sometimes hides dark secrets.

Can they compete together and against one another without pulling their lives apart forever? 

John Grisham on High Jump

Ivan Uhkov high jump
Ivan Ukhov toed his mark, raised his eyes to the bar and began his run up. Two loping strides and he turned an arc angling away from the pit to fight the increase in centrifugal force. He was running full now and, with one final step, dug his right foot into the track. The spikes held firm. Pulling his arms up in front of his body like climbing a rope, Ukhov exploded from the ground. All the forward momentum created during his angled sprint was now transferred upwards. As he rose, his body rolled to expose his chest to the sky. First his head, then shoulders, then lumbar vertebrae cleared the bar before gravity re-established order and drew him down. But not before his buttocks slid past the fibreglass bar. Descending into the foam pit, Ukhov pulled his feet towards his hips as he heels gently kissed the bar.

Sinking into the cushion, he closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for the telltale thump of the bar striking the pit, telling him the jump had been unsuccessful. Only the roar of the crowd filled his ears, and drowned out any thoughts of the moment of panic just before. He stood to acknowledge the applause, his loose fitting t-shirt reminding him of the crisis he was in. Someone had stolen his competition singlet. But why? Too distract him enough to fail or disqualify him from the competition? He couldn’t be sure. And who was he, a struggling your high jumper from a small rural town, a threat to? Surely not the Canadian or the Brit who were both fortunate enough to make the final round. The young Qatari was an obvious choice but was that just a remnant of Soviet prejudice coming through? No, it must have been the Ukrainian who had been so kind to him, so welcoming. Now it made sense: pull him in just to throw him out before he knew what was going on. Uhkov had to come up with a plan before the next round, but was it too late?

Post Script: If you are interested in some real commentary on the Olympic Games and the nature of competition, check out the blog "The Win is Within" by former Canadian Olympic national team rower Jason Dorland.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Nearly Nude Olympics?

Olympic organizers are not dummies. They understand the importance marketing plays when planning events. The more TV viewers, the more money the IOC makes. And what brings in spectators? Oh sure, the competitive nature of athletic events, the excellence of the participants and the human drama that unfolds before us every four years is appealing. But if this week’s post about Google searches for Olympic bulges and camel toes is any indication what really sells the Games is sex.

It is for this reason that women’s volleyball is performed in tiny bikini tops and bottoms while the men wear baggy shorts and shirts. It’s not because the women need more aerodynamics than the men. In fact, most of the women’s Olympic uniforms leave little to the imagination. But the IOC is not done yet. Secret documents uncovered by Dogs & Jeans reveals a strategy to go even further:
Olympic NBA Dancer Uniform
2016 Olympics: Women’s Judo and Tae Kwon Do will no longer allow participants to wear heavy gis that hide their body contours. Taking a page from professional wrestling, participants in these events must select from a variety of pre-approved skimpy costumes:

  • School girl
  • Biker chick
  • Angel
  • NBA dancer

Olympic white body suit spandex
2020 Olympics: Women’s boxing will adopt the beach volleyball 2-piece for competition. Fencing will still allow for full body covering, but the heavily armored cotton suit will be replaced by a white spandex jumpsuit with strategic “cut outs”.

Team mexico olympic body paint2024 Olympics: In the final stage of the 3 phase transition, all women’s uniforms will be banned and replaced with body paint.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Become An Olympian (if you dare)

After a week and a half of watching Olympic competition, we have all become experts in sports most of us had never even hear of a month ago. The average viewer can now identify how many rotations a platform diver completes, discuss the strategies of handball and dispute the scoring of a fencing judge. However, becoming an instant expert in everything Olympic also has a downside; we are too jaded by excellence.

Aly Raisman Olympic gymnast leotardAthletes are now all such finely tuned competitive machines, it is impossible for the average person to comprehend their physical prowess with TV coverage. We lose touch with reality as there is no real frame of reference for the viewer. The person who comes last in the final looks like a bum compared to the winner, yet is in better condition that 99.999% of the rest of us at any time in our lives.

average runner Olympic track
This is easily remedied. For the next Olympic Games in Rio, let's leaving one lane, position or seed available in every event to be drawn at random for a participant from the audience. Having Joe and Jane Public line up alongside the likes of Ryan Lochte and Missy Franklin or floor exercise following Aly Raisman would bring into sharp focus how amazing these competitors are. No longer would we dismiss the last place 800m runner as a disappointment when the normal human being is still struggling down the back stretch.

Plus there would be a spin-off benefit by increasing the tension in the audience with everyone hoping they don’t get selected. People would pray to get picked for events like Archery and Table Tennis instead of, oh I don’t know, Heavyweight Boxing or the Marathon.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Olympic Perverts

After an amazing weekend of Olympic competition, there was certainly much material to post on Dogs & Jeans. And readers have been rewarding this blog with a surge of readership over the first week of the London 2012 games. Here are just a few of the highlights to consider for posting when sitting down at the keyboard this morning:

  • Michael Phelps final Olympics swims
  • Oscar Pistorius’ historic able bodied 400m semi-final race
  • Britain’s surge in the medals
  • Canada USA soccer thriller
  • Usain Bolt Repeating as 100m champ
  • McKayla Maroney’s vault fault
  • Andy Murray’s gold medal at Wimbledon
  • US Basketball dominance
Any of these is certainly worthy of consideration. However, a brief review of the Google search terms that have brought surfers to these humble pages shows the top two terms are:
olympic camel toe outfit
  • Olympic Bulges
  • Olympic Camel Toe

Now I’ll be the last person to judge others (actually I’m one of the first people but just for argument’s sake let’s say I’m open minded), but it turns out that during the pinnacle of human athletic achievement, what people are really interested in are articles that focus on seeing genitals through biking shorts and competition leotards. They will pass over the drama that is the struggle for excellence instead searching for examples of junk straining against their spandex casing.

Sadly, for every person who applauds Missy Franklin and her teammates for their amazing performance in the pool, there are nine others interested only in how tight their swimsuits are. Ignore the longevity of Misty May-Treanor and Kerrie Walsh Jennings as they go for their thirds gold medal, but instead loop video of beach volleyball players riding their bikini bottoms.
Gabby Douglas hair

Sadder still is the trending topic of Gabby Douglas’ hair style. But don’t expect an blog posting on that any time soon.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Where's The Non-Organic Beef?

marion jones olympic gold medal drug steroid scandal
The Olympics are in their sixth day of competition, and so far spectators are asking “Where are the drug scandals?” It’s a fair question since the last five Olympic Games have seen an average of 12 athletes per event test positive. So far at London 2012 only two weightlifters have been sent home, but there are from the former Soviet Bloc and weightlifters so it’s to be expected.

But how are all the swimmers, cyclists and track athlete’s avoiding detection this year? Dogs & Jeans has some ideas:

  • Thinking positive thoughts can have a clean mind cover up for a dirty body.
  • Anti-doping officials have put too much emphasis on only using the pre-testing question: Are you taking any steroids?
  • British food may be horrible but effective at masking drugs.
  • New definition of “performance enhancement” limited only to bedroom activities (wink,wink, nudge, nudge).
  • Installation of “Clean Urine” vending machines in the Olympic Village probably not such a good idea.
  • At the airport, British customs switched all athletes’ drugs with Tic Tacs.
  • Chinese Olympic Officials have reclassified all their supplements as “ginseng”.
  • Wednesday, August 1, 2012

    Phelps Sets New Record

    Olympic News of the Near Future

    Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps
    August 1, 2021 – Former Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps has just shattered the Maryland Insurance Association’s sales record for most policies by a single advisor. The previous mark, set by Marty Henderson of Bethesda in 1974, was thought to be unbreakable. Phelps, who began selling insurance one year after his retirement from competitive swimming in 2012, has put the same dedication into providing financial plans to customers that he did into long training sessions in the pool.

    “The guy’s a machine,” said Tony Monroe, Phelps’ district manager. “He sells policies like he’s doing laps. No matter what sales targets I set, Michael smashes it. Whole life, term, business, comprehensive… you name it, Phelps can sell it all.”

    The Post-London 2012 period had been unsettling for Phelps who found the transition from World Famous Swimmer to Regular Guy difficult. Advertising endorsements did not last as long as hoped. The public’s memory for wet athletes is short and quickly replaced by NFL stars and the latest NBA high school phenom.

    “He seems to have found his calling the in insurance game,” continued Monroe. “And now that he is turning his attention to mutual funds, watch out.” Expect more records to fall from Michael Phelps before he is done.