Friday, March 30, 2012

Is Romney Coasting?

An NBC poll shows Mitt Romeny has enough of a lead in Wisconsin to win the upcoming primary. With this win, Romney will have enough delgates to guarantee the Republican nomination. Those close to the GOP campaign point to the folloing as signs the former governmor has already put his leadership bid on cruise control and will be coasting into the nomination campaign:
  • Has blown off several meet-and-greets to see The Hunger Games 11 times.
  • Refuses to boycott Iranian oil.
  • Demanded all aides use their campaing phones to vote for American Idol contestant Elise Testone rather than call potential supporters.
  • sweatpantsDeclared all remaining campaign funds as 'surplus' so he could by Mega Millions lottery tickets.
  • Afternoon naps
  • Is secretly training for his appearance on Dancing With the Stars after two terms in office.
  • Has suspended all public appearances until after the Final Four.
  • Wears only sweatpants.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

540 Mega Millions!

Dogs and Jeans has been slow to post as we have been standing in line to buy Mega Millions tickets for the big draw. With a $540 million jackpot it will be possible to buy and do even some of the most trivial and silly things on Trooper's List:
What would you spent the money on?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Placenta: The Fifth Food Group

With the increasing trend of mothers eating their placenta, the Food Network is jumping on the bandwagon offering new programming. Several new shows will be launched featuring recipes and techniques for preparing afterbirth. Surprisingly none of them have anything to do with Iron Chef:


  • Bobby Flay’s Afterbirth BBQ Bonanza
  • Placenta Wars
  • Fertile Chef
  • Eating For One Again
  • How’d That Get On My Plate?: Neonatal Edition
  • Meat & Potatoes & Placenta
  • Nigella Bites (something expelled from her body)

  • Afterbirth Kings






Placenta Yule Cake, Mulled Afterbirth Wine and traditional Spicy Placenta Balls.
Expect a special Christmas edition of Martha Stewart Living featuring

Monday, March 26, 2012

Tiger Mauls, Fans Mar Event

After 924 days, Tiger Woods has returned to his winning form. In capturing his 7th Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bayhill, the former world number one golfer won his first PGA event since the dramatic events of Thanksgiving 2009. The two plus years were marked by personal scandal, physical hardship and a drought of victories so devastating, many wondered whether the days of Tiger’s dominance were over.



Sadly, a five shot win over Graeme McDowell was not enough for many fans who were so vocal they Woods 72nd PGA victory was tarnished. Constant bellows of “Get in the hole!” with each of Tiger’s shots, no matter how far he was from the flag stick were so aggressive and ludicrous, many viewers were forces to turn off their televisions. “We could have had the highest rated golf match of all time,” said PGA spokesman Tad Underhill. “Instead we had viewers changing their channels to shows that were more calming, like NASCAR and Mob Wives.”


The behavior of fans was so offensive, the PGA has enacted new rules to deal with belligerent, nonsensical cheering. Fans will be restricted to yelling “Get in the hole!” and its variation, “In the hole!” only on tee shots from a par 3, where the possibility of a hole-in-one exists, as well as any approach to the green under 120 yards. Shouting these phrases in other situations will be strictly forbidden and the penalties harsher the further Tiger swings from the cup:


  • On Par 4 tee shots: Offending fans will receive a warning from the Marshal for a first offense. A second infraction at any time during the tournament will result in immediate expulsion from the course, along with a $500 fine and the removal of any articles of clothing bearing the Nike symbol.

  • On Par 5 tee shots: As the fan is either so delusional or so antagonistic, or both, consequences will be swift and harsh. Surrounding fans are free to deal with the offending spectator with vigilante-style justice upon the first utterance of any phrase with includes the words ‘hole’, ‘in’ and ‘get’. The use of walking sticks, folding chairs and fanny packs in not discouraged while dispensing punishment.

“We didn’t want it to come to this point, but felt we had to act before it was too late, and fans were bringing vuvuzelas,” Underhill sighed. “But it is in the best interest of golf, especially in Florida where they have shown a precedent for legislating golfing behavior.” Ironically, encouraging any player by shouting, “You ‘da man, Ray” is still permissible, even if the golfer is not Ray Floyd.


Friday, March 23, 2012

Louisiana GOP Hunger Games

The further ahead Mitt Romney pulls in the race to acquire delegates, the less interest the public has in the remaining GOP primaries. Republican leaders in Louisiana fear the primary vote on Saturday will receive such low turnout they have decided to change the rules to make it more exciting. With the premier of the much-anticipated film “The Hunger Games” this weekend and the ongoing excitement of March Madness basketball, organizers are adopting a similar method of candidate selection as that depicted in the movie and the NCAA tournament.



katniess hunger games republican GOP death match
Each of Louisiana’s eight electoral districts will choose a boy or girl from a random selection of 15 to 17 year olds. These kids will compete in a televised fight to the death in their own district before moving on to face the other regional winners in the Louisiana Primary Final Four. This semi-final match will feature a variety of weapon choices (bow and arrow, baseball bats and commemorative volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica) and hunting environs. The championship match will be held in a UFC-style hand-to-hand fight-to-the-finish in an octagon. The parents of the victorious combatant will then be rewarded with the honor of naming the state’s choice for Republican nominee (and all 20 delegates), plus a year’s supply of Castrol Motor Oil and a 25% off coupon to Golden Coral.


“Louisiana is a perfect state to host such a primary contest,” said local Republican Party president Charlie Sullivan. “Just like the world of Panem, we are a dystopian society fraught with inequality where social order is held together by fear and misinformation. Plus there’s lots of backwoods most of which are already filled with hunting blinds and tree stands. The real challenge will be trying to restrict the hunt to just those kids picked. Everyone will want in on the fun!”


Officials with the Louisiana school districts will be watching the contests with interest to see if such a format could be adopted to enhance high school standardized testing without actually improving teaching methods.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

President’s Toys

A recent comment by an aide for Mitt Romney likening the candidate’s ability to re-set policy to shaking an Etch-a-Sketch, has been seen as a gaffe to be exploited by other candidates. Rick Santorum has gone so far as producing an Etch-a-Sketch at rallies as a means of ridiculing Romney’s lack of convictions. Newt Gingrich’s criticisms have even suggested the GOP front runner will be playing children’s games in the White House



However, if these detractors had paid attention in history class, they would know that some of greatest presidents had forged a nation, found solace and solved international issues with the use of simple toys.


  • George Washington used a game of skittles to strategize his attacks the night before facing a superior Hessian force at the Battle of Trenton and came out victorious.

  • It was after a weekend Risk tournament that James Monroe came to understand the impact the end of the Napoleonic Wars would have on Latin America. As the former Spanish and Portuguese colonies began claiming independence, he developed the Monroe Doctrine to prevent America from claiming those territories.

  • Unpopular one-term president Martin Van Buren often used a Cup-and-Ball game to decide critical domestic issues. Catching the ball in the cup meant “yes” and lead to lower tariffs, free trade and a diplomatic resolution with Mexico over financial remuneration. However, missing the ball in the cup meant “no” and resulted in the return to Spain of the kidnapped slaves aboard the ship Amistad, the Trail of Tears expulsion, and the lack of support for the threatened Mormon settlers in Missouri.

  • 10th President John Tyler was an obsessive Double Dutch jumper (although back in the 1840’s the game was called The Ottoman Empire Rope Dance). During the arduous process of gaining congressional support to annex Texas, Tyler was rumored to have jumped for as many as six hours a day.

  • Abraham Lincoln, while not a vampire hunter as the soon to be released film suggests, credited games of hide and seek with White House staffers for reducing stress during the early days of the Civil War when the tide had turned in favor of the South.

  • While the myth claims Ulysses S. Grant was a heavy drinker, little has been mentioned about his Jenga habit which verged on addiction. However, it was his understanding of the interrelationships of complex systems learned through Jenga that gave the Grant the foresight to expect that the European economic collapse of 1873 would reach the United States and swiftly put measures in place to stabilize Wall Street and reduce inflation.

  • Being something of an inventor, Woodrow Wilson developed an early version of the modern game Mousetrap. Through playing the game, Wilson understood how the European conflict in 1914 would ensnare all the participants for a protracted war. Wilson was able to keep the U.S. out of what would become World War I for two more years, saving thousands of American lives.

  • Ronald Reagan: Always had a Slinky on hand and claimed it helped him bring down the Soviet Union, although his memoirs are unclear on how.
    Who knows what Mitt could accomplish with his Etch-a-Sketch?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Tebow Traded to DWTS

In a surprise move, Tim Tebow has been traded to the Season 14 cast of “Dancing with the Stars”. The trade comes on the heels of the announcement that the once popular dance competition had its lowest rated premier ever. The producers hope viewer’s interest will be returned by the appearance of the football phenom. Although Tebow’s dance skills are currently unknown, it is hoped his signature kneel-and-pray move (known commonly as Tebowing) will be a welcome addition to the DWTS stage.



“With young viewers leaving us in droves for “The Voice”, “Dateline: Election Coverage” and a ‘Magnum P.I.” marathon on TBS we need to do something to boost the public’s interest,” said head judge Len Goodman. “We expect Tim to fulfill roles as celebrity dancer and professional dancer, considering how he can both throw and run on the football field.”


The trade is a timely one for Tebow who was made redundant in Denver after the signing of former Indianapolis quarter back Peyton Manning. While several teams may be in the running to acquire the services of the former Heisman trophy winner, few are expected to make a formal offer until the start of training camp. With such time on his hands, the opportunity to slip on some dancing shoes and keep his profile in the public eye is a good one for Tebow.


Tebow himself has not commented on his dancing career, which is expected to begin with a special Foxtrot/3 Cone Drill combo next Monday night. However, Tebow’s agent told Dogs and Jeans he was looking forward to the new challenge and the chance to spread the word of Jesus Christ to a new audience.

Update: Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets, where he will be able to add break dancing to his DWTS repertoire. The move may also free up current Jets QB Mark Sanchez for an appearance on Season 15 of "Dancing".

Further Update: A snag in Tebow's contract may stop a trade to New York, giving him ever more time for dance lessons.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Ask Trooper

For sometime, readers have been inquiring if I would be willing to put off at least one day of jackassery posting to answer their questions. I have decided to relent and will use my vast life experience to provide counsel to you, the loyal followers of Dogs & Jeans. If you have inquiries about love, money, career, parenting, sports, literature, relationships, pets, sex, home renovations, aliens, divorce, the Middle East, addictions, fashion, court appearances or where Tim Tebow will end up playing (Seattle or Winnipeg), please send them along.

Either post your question in the comment section below or email directly to dogsandjeans@inbox.com and my trained monkeys will deliver the messages to me at my mountain top retreat.

Namaste.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Washington Spends Your Money

A report released today show the federal government spent nearly $1Billion on advertising. Some campaigns were traditional public service spots intended to inform citizens of available services and improve awareness of health and safety issues. Many are thinly disguised endorsements of President Obama and his various initiatives but that is common with most administration. Many of the ads, however, appear to be completely frivolous, gratuitous. jingoistic or blatant testimonials for the President:



  • “Merchants of Death: The Tobacco Industry and their influence over the GOP”


  • “O, Obama!”

  • “First Pants, Then Shoes”

  • “Mission Accomplished! (mission objectives still to be determined)”

  • “Barack and the Great Vampire Wars”

  • “Jessica Simpson: Fashion Fixes the Frumpies”

  • “Your President Loves You”

  • “More Taxes Are Your Way To Help America!”

  • “Fergie: Hot or Not?”

  • “Universal Health Care Won’t Cost an Arm and a Leg (but you may need to donate your spleen to cover costs)”

  • “Seat Belts: Not all that complicated Mississippi”

  • "Good-Time Santorum, Uncle Mitt, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out"

Friday, March 16, 2012

St. Patrick's Day Demotivation

I had thought Dogs & Jeans was finished with posting Demotivational Posters on Fridays, even though there was no official announcement from HQ. However, it turns out, much to everyone's surprise, that there ha never been any St. Patrick's Day Demotivational Posters on the blog. We scrambled to put this together so our our readers can celebrate March 17 with the required jocularity.

Erin Go Bragh!








Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Government Permits Killin' Stuff

A recent decision to allow a Native American tribe in Wyoming to kill two bald eagles for religious purposes has opened the floodgate to a number of quasi-religious hunting requests from other groups. The normal process of extracting feathers and other body parts from repository carcases are not sufficient for the Arapoho tribe and have set a precedent for other organizations intent on slaying something precious to satisfy their superstitions:



• Irish American group The Emerald Society has organized a hunt in New York’s Central Park this St. Partick’s Day for the evil leprechaun from the movie Leprechaun.


• Fans of Beverly Hills 90210 known as ‘Peach Pitters’ have dedicated themselves to tracking down and skinning Peter Fascinelli who recently separated from Jennie Garth (aka Kelly Taylor). They may be aided by a splinter group of Twilight Moms also interested in possessing a piece of Fascinelli who plays vampire leader Carlisle Cullen.


• The Oregon Bears, a group that advances the love between big, hairy men, want to kill an actual bear to replace the Teddy Ruxpin doll they have at meetings.


• A group of successful former child stars led by Mayim Bialik, Alisan Porter and Kurt Russel have grown weary of the antics their screw-up counterparts and have issued a bounty on Lindsey Lohan (or at least take away her driver’s licence).


• The Tea Party has been tossing around the idea of pushing random Democrats out into traffic but felt that might send the wrong message.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Know Your Ides of March


Anyone who paid attention during high school English will know that March 15th is also known as the “Ides of March”. This is the day Julius Caesar was assassinated, the omen of which was made famous by Shakespeare when the soothsayer warns, “Beware the Ides of March”. The term ‘ides’ is derived from the Latin ‘idus,’ which simply refers to the ‘middle of the month”. The Romans used the 15th as the ides for those months with 30 days and the 13th as the ides for those months with fewer days.


A brief Google search will pull of some other fascinating tidbits of obscure information on the Ides of March:


  • In 1493, Columbus returned to Spain with his news of the New World. Nothing but good has come from that event since.

  • 7th U.S. President Andrew Jackson was born on the Ides of March 1767. If not for him the Johnny Horton song “Battle of New Orleans” would go:
“In 1814 we took a little trip,
Along with da-da-doo-dee down the mighty Mississip.”


  • March 15, 1820 Maine joined the United States. Lobster for everyone!

  • On this day in 1866, Norwegian inventor Johan Vaaler was born. If you have ever used a paper clip, you have him to thank.

  • Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the first Jewish Supreme Court Justice, was born in 1933. Mazel tov Madam Justice.

  • Soviet Marxist Nikolai Bukharin was executed after an eleven day trial on 1938 demonstrating how unhealthy it is to be a Bolshevik revolutionary.

  • “My Fair Lady” opened on Broadway in 1956. Exclamations of “I think she’s got it!” have annoyed people ever since.

  • 1955’s Ides of March saw the birth of Twisted Sister lead man Dee Snider who finally answered the oft asked question, “Are you going to take it?”

  • The first Internet domain name, symbolics.com, was registered March 15, 1985. This was quickly followed by boobs.com, tits.com and porn.com

  • Actress Caitlin Wachs was born on this day in 1989. Without her the direct-to-video film “Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch” would have been very different.

Monday, March 12, 2012

March Madness Mistakes

Every year about this time, Dogs and Jeans offers advice on how to fill out your March Madness brackets. Since no money has come our way as a "reward" for this counsel, I can only imagine that readers have not taken the advice and have continued to lose their NCAA basketball pools. This year, we offer a collection of classic mistakes people make when betting college basketball.

You will be rolling in dough if you avoid the following errors:
  • Don't fill out your bracket while distracted, like in a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant.
  • Don't start your bracket until an hour after eating.
  • Don't expect your alma mater to make the tourney, even if they had a winning record.
  • Don't take advice from Lindesy Lohan (you'd be surprised by how many people do!)
  • Don't accept pool fees from Rush Limbaugh in return for advertising on your bracket.
  • Don't count on prayer alone for your selections. You can let "Jesus take the wheel" on football, but Our Lord knew very little about basketball.
  • Don't ignore losses to small out-of-conference teams. A win over Maryland may not count as much as a loss to Julianne Moore College.
  • Don't forget: First pants, then shoes!
However, if any teams in the tournament sign Peyton Manning, be prepared to your break your bracket and start again.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Less Full House, More Daylight Savings

This Sunday marks the return to Daylight Savings Time across North America (except Arizona, Saskatchewan and Hawaii and a little bit of Mexico). For many this news is met with a groan as we lose an hour of precious, precious sleep. However, this can also be considered in a positive way. For example, we now have one less hour for exposure to nonsense like:





  • Speculation of how much longer Newt Gingrich was going to stay in the Republican nomination race.




  • Praying that Peyton Manning will play football for (Insert Your City Here) this year.




  • Can the widows of Osama bin Laden go on with their broken lives and find meaning for themselves in Pakistan? I smell a new reality series!


  • Is one dog year really equivalent to seven human ones?


  • What on earth is Pink Slime is and how can you get some for dinner tonight? Yum.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Teasers For Newt

Rick Santorum scored well during the Super Tuesday primaries, but not enough to stop Mitt Romney. However, Santorum’s “second place’ could become a lot closer if he could pick up Newt Gingrich’s delegates. In that effort, Santorum supporters are trying to entice Gingrich to drop out of the race and back the former Pennsylvania senator. Dogs and Jeans has uncovered the list of potential rewards being offered, some of which are very creative:



  • An offer to finally release the long awaited sequel to “Showgirls”, Newt’s favorite film.

  • All the ice cream you can eat!


  • The chance to be a ‘model wrangler’ at next year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot.


  • An iPad. But not just any iPad. The iPad 3!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Pressure Pedophile Professor

A 41 year old California teacher has left his family and resigned his job to move in with his high school girlfriend. Just to be clear, she is a high school student, not his girlfriend from when they were both in school together in the 1980’s. Since the girl is 18 he is not currently breaking the law. However, police are investigating whether their relationship existed prior to her recent birthday. In response, the girl’s mother has started a Facebook page to expose James Hooker for the creep he is.



Other organizations have joined their voices to the growing chorus trying to flush this former teacher from his ‘love den’ before he does any further damage:


  • All local Modesto grocery stores are maintaining a “Rotten Hooker” produce bin at shop entrances so customers can throw overripe tomatoes and slimy cabbages at the scumbag if he dares show his face on the streets.

  • The once-popular School House Rock has been revived to produce a new educational short musical cartoon called “Teachers Pet But They Should Keep Their Hands To Themselves!”

  • Google is introducing a new app called “Teacher Tracker” so his whereabouts can be messaged to anyone in the area. Flash ‘outrage’ mobs are expected to gather and terrorize Hooker like a group of superstitious 18th Century Romanian peasants.

  • The US Postal Service has launched a new stamp series with Hooker’s face bearing the slogan “Would You Let This Man Lick Your Teenaged Daughter?”

Unfortunately, Penthouse magazine is rushing a “Barely Legal Girls of California” edition to the newsstands, an act that many see as counterproductive.