Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Robots Ruin Republican Race

sexy female robot fembot android
Automated phone messages to voters hit a new low leading up the Michigan and Arizona primaries. Robo-Calling, as it is known in political circles, is the process where people receive misleading recorded information from a computer managed phone list. Over the years,this process of making suggestions (in a sexy, breathy voice) about the other candidates has gone from annoying to downright offensive, all without crossing over the line to libelous. Sadly all the candidates are guilty of communicating half-truths and innuendo and we can only expect it to get worse as the campaign grows tighter.

Here’s a recent example:

“If you knew Mitt Romney only drank human blood for nourishment and slept in a hyperbaric chamber, would you be less likely to vote for him?”

“Is Rick Santorum the only candidate who doesn’t beat his wife?”

“Jersey Shore’s Snooki is pregnant? Could Mitt Romney be the father? We don’t know! Mitt needs to come clean!”

“Newt Gingrich is against the production and distribution of child pornography. Why hasn’t Ron Paul said anything? What does he have to hide?”

“With all the wild weather this year you have to ask yourself: How much is Rick Santorum to blame?”

North Korea in giving up its nuclear program just as New Gingrich’s campaign collapses. Was Newt supporting Kim Jong-un all this time? Could America be at risk with him in the White House?”

“People say Ron Paul smells like garbage. Is this what you want in a President?”

“4 in 5 Death Row inmates support Mitt Romney? What do they know that he won’t tell us?”

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Santorum's Dictionary

Rick Santorum reading book library dictionary
In light of the comment made by Republican leadership candidate Rick Santorum (and graduate of both Penn State and the University of Pittsburgh) that President Obama is a snob for wanting Americans to obtain a college education, Dogs and Jeans had a closer look at the definitions contained within the former Pennsylvania senator’s dictionary:

Advantage: The overwhelming improvement to quality of life that comes from simply completing a middle school education.

Benefit: A positive result of hard work that improves a person’s living conditions, but only within the class structure they currently occupy.

Dissatisfaction: The basic human emotional condition that can be exploited to gain power.

Elitist: Those persons with a library card.

Hope: The unrealistic expectation that a person living below a middle class income could have access to quality health care.

Hypocrite: The oath doctors take that has something to do with being able to sleep with their co-workers without consequences like they do on "Gray's Anatomy".

Liberal: See “Terrorist”

Paganism: The understanding that events in the Bible may not have occurred exactly as described.

Privilege: The condition of being able to afford both food and rent at the same time

Right: The freedom to marry the person you love, but only if they have the opposite genitalia (and not surgically altered willies and hoo-has either!)

Vision: The ability to see the world as it is and say, “I told you so.”

Monday, February 27, 2012

Oscar Fashion

Just like the celebrities, I performed several outfit changes during the course of the Academy Awards presentation. Here’s a run-down:

Red Carpet Portion: I had been installing a new range microwave in the kitchen, so my Red Carpet ensemble consisted of my work jeans with the hole in the crotch and my Notre Dame t-shirt with the paint splatters. My grey work socks were by Wal-Mart.

Opening Monologue: Just got out of the shower I had not had a chance to put my “show clothes” on but I decided to abandon the terry robe and go with a more daring towel-around-the-waist look.

Best Supporting Actor/Actress Awards: For time spent between cooking hors d’oeuvres in the kitchen (in the new microwave) and getting a fire going in the fireplace, I went for a more casual faded Levi’s matched with a Batman T-shirt from Old Navy. Overspray from a beer can momentarily caused me to consider a pants change, but a quick dab with a cloth remedied the situation.

Technical Awards Portion: As none of this interested me (other than the scintillating explanation of the voting process by the boys from Price Waterhouse Coopers), I used the lull in the festivities to throw on a plain grey hoodie and pick up dog crap in the back yard.

Stars We Have Lost This Year: The spring rolls, pot stickers and oriental chicken nuggets had cooled sufficiently to enjoy. The hoodie was gone but on my feet were some tube socks that had not quite made it to the hamper. Laundry tomorrow.

Musical Awards: I spilled plum sauce on my Batman shirt so I replaced it with a navy blue one that said “San Diego” that my parents brought back after a trip three years ago.

The Big Three Awards: Feet too hot. Socks on floor. One last beer.

Jimmy Kimmel After Show: Snacks and beer cleaned up. I changed into flannel PJ bottoms with a red plaid pattern. It didn’t really match the T-shirt, but I’d be taking it all off anyway after I brushed my teeth.

Thank God Awards Season is over.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Words On Fire

Islamic fundamentalists, outraged by the burning of copies of the Quran, have responded by burning books sacred to Westerners. Unlike previous protests which have featured burning Holy Bibles, the protestors have done their homework. “We realize that most American’s do not hold the pages of their chritian book to be sacred as we do,” said Cleric Ali Mohammed Ali. “They may revere their God, but the book itself is not seen as being the actual vessel of his holy word as we do.”

So in response, Afghan crowds have begun burning material that will truly incense the West. “We began with setting fire to TV Guide, but quickly realized that American’s no longer honor the book because of PVRs,” said Ali. Demonstrators quickly moved onto other texts determined to inflame the passions of viewers in North America. Across Kabul piles of “Twilight”, “The Help”, “O” magazine and the “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition” can be seen sending up columns of smoke.

When asked where they go from here, Imam Ali responded, “We are expecting a huge shipment of Janet Evanovich and Sophie Kinsella books from The whole Stephanie Plum series plus all the Shopaholics. We are very excited!”

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Oscar Sabotage!

Academy Awards’ security staff are scrambling to prepare for a possible red carpet disruption by Sasha Baron Cohen. The British actor is well known for pranking unsuspecting groups in films such as “Borat” and “Bruno”. In addition, his comic antics have disrupted Hollywood gatherings in the past to promote his films. Organizers are concerned he made show up to the festivities dressed as General Aladeen, the title character from his soon to be released picture “The Dictator”.

However, a publicist for Cohen has told Dogs & Jeans that it is unlikely he will sabotage the evening masquerading as the flamboyant Aladeen and if he appears in disguise it will be something more subtle. We have been supplied with a list of other possible Sasha Baron Cohen costumes:

  • Chewbacca the Wookie
  • Jaime Edmondson
  • President Obama
  • The late Rip Taylor
  • Flo, the spokeswoman
  • Don Quixote
  • The Elephant Man
  • Peter Griffin’s Millionaire Space Cowboy
  • Iron Man
  • Outrageous hockey commentator Don Cherry
  • Whitney Houston

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

GOP Show Must Go On

Many Americans feel the Republican nomination race has contained far too many debates. They stopped being interesting a month ago and organizers have attempted to encourage vitriolic exchanges between the candidates to increase the drama rather than actually increasing the quality of the ideas. Like most things on TV today, political discussion is more about entertainment than it is information.

On that note, Dogs & Jeans suggests the rest of the campaign embrace the theatrical and really give the audience what it wants:

    Jamie Edmunsdon sexy football outfit
  • Cheerleaders: Even the NHL has seen a bump in viewership in normally poor hockey markets in the South with the addition of Ice Girls cavorting on the rink during breaks in the play. Why not include scantily clad ladies like the Miami Heat Dancers, Laker Girls and “celebrity” NFL cheerleader Jaime Edmondson at the next event?

  • Trap Door: Nothing keeps a candidate, or the audience on their toes like the possibility of a trap door opening up underneath them when they say the secret word.

  • Costumes: Every hostess knows the way to turn a dull cocktail party into a memorable night is to make it a costume party. Upcoming events should require all candidates to dress up. Organizers could even experiment with themes: favorite president, movie heroes and heroines, 1980’s “hair” bands, Star Trek characters etc.

    Unicycle rider
  • Transportation: The candidate who spends the remainder of the campaign travelling by the most unusual (and inconvenient) method is the winner. Who wouldn’t want to see a presidential hopeful campaigning on a unicycle?

  • Security: Events have remained relatively calm because the GOP has been employing bouncers tasked with keeping Sarah Palin from crashing them. Let’s lay these boys off and see what kind of damage the former Governor can really do when she is unrestrained. As they say, “Release The Kraken!!”

  • The Olympics: Organizers could take a page from the Olympics and increase the difficulty, and therefore the viewership, of the campaign. Increase the opportunity to make events synchronized and/or equestrian. How about requiring candidates to perform in time to the music while twirling a ribbon. Or go really crazy and include X-Games events like downhill ski-cross and snowmobile backflips!

With ideas like this for the nomination, the actual election will seem like a let-down.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Get The Message?

Wireless service providers say they are coming to the maximum of their capacity. With the exponential boom in cellular and tablet devices, the FCC says the airwaves are growing too full of voice, text and internet traffic to handle much more. This “spectrum crunch”, as the industry calls it, cannot be resolved simply by erecting more transmission towers either. Until an alternate technology for carrying wireless messages is developed, the major service providers Verizon, Cisco, Sprint, AT & T and T-Mobile are proposing a multi-phase program to coordinate a reduced demand on the current available bandwidth.

Phase 1: Beginning in June 2012, all text messages sent to receivers within the limits of major cities will be passed through a gossip network of retired ladies. Messages will be delivered by courier first thing in the morning and will be routed throughout the day at various coffee meetings, knitting circles and majong games. Shouting across the alley between buildings will also be utilized but only while in the act of hanging out laundry and accompanied by expressions such as “Can you believe she’d say that?” and “Tell me something I don’t know!”

Phase 2: Cross-country semaphore service for text messaging will be initiated in late 2012. Using platforms spaced at 2 mile intervals, “flag-people” will be capable of sending messages a distance of 100 miles in just under one hour. Carriers expect to hire over 1000 new workers per state with this initiative, making this the largest employment program since Roosevelt’s New Deal.

Phase 3: Early in 2013 Wikipedia will be removed from the Internet and be available only through a "Request for Information" service. People interested in querying Wikipedia will submit a request in writing to the Wikipedia America head office in Scottsdale, Arizona. Within 5 business days, the corresponding pages will be mailed back. Updates to pages will also be made in the same manner, with new information being compiled and available to users within one month of submission.

Phase 4: Twitter updates will be restricted to airplane banners by sprint 2013. Tweets will be dragged behind small engine planes over the city where the message is relevant. Banner tweeting will remain in place until America’s telegraph wires that were removed 20 years ago can be re-laid. Then normal (although slightly altered) tweeting can resume. For example:

“party at brittneys stop five buck solo cups stop”

“brandon is a pig stop he wont stop stop”

Monday, February 20, 2012

Presidential Superheroes

With all the buzz surrounding the upcoming release of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Hollywood studios are scrambling to produce the next in a series of films featuring the exploits of past presidents and their battles against evil.

Dogs and Jeans is pleased to add to it's menu of President's Day features with this list of Super President movies coming soon to a dodeca-plex near you:

  • John Adams: Werewolf Whisperer
  • James Monroe's Celebrity Apprentice
  • John Tyler and the Case of The Murdering Mummy
  • James Buchanan: The Invisible Man
  • Ulysses S. Grant Is Not Buried In His Tomb!
  • Rutherford B. Hayes: First Mutant
  • Chaster A. Arther: The "A" Stands For America, Bitches!
  • William McKinley And Grover Cleaveland's Excellent Adventure
  • Warren G. Harding Knows What You Did Last Summer (and he's pissed!)
  • Herber Hoover vs Godzilla
  • Save Us From Zombies Richard Nixon!

Friday, February 17, 2012

How To Be Happy

Scientists in Geneva have discovered the secret to living a happy life. Working in an secret underground laboratory for the past 16 years, a team of researchers have isolated the key to living a life free from care.

"It all comes down to not worrying about things," said Dr. Ingrid Schroeder, head of the study. "Too many people spent time being anxious over things they cannot change. Our research found that our test subjects even continued to worry over things they could change but chose not to."

The findings of the team can be summarized in the following graphic:

The American Association of Self-Help Book Publishers disputes the results of the Swiss research, claiming they are too simple. "We release over 500 new books a year aimed at helping people deal with relationship issues, addiction, body image, sleep disorders, debilitating fears etc. You can't replace all that wisdom with one picture that tells you to stop worrying," said Steve Miller, a spokesman for the organization. "There is an entire industry of public speakers that rely on peoples' anxiety."

When asked if the criticism of the self-help book publishers bothered him Dr. Schoeder replied, "Is there something I can do about it?" Then she smiled and walked away.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ghostbusters Need Help

After more than 20 years in hibernation, the Ghostbusters may be coming out of retirement. The long awaited Ghostbusters 3 is now in pre-production (which is Hollywood-speak for finding actors, money, a studio and a script). But what has taken so long? Considering the massive financial success that accompanied Ghostbusters 1 and 2, you would think producers would have been falling over themselves to jump on that money train as early as 1991.

The problem seems to have been coming up with an original idea for the film. After defeating Gozer the Gozerian in the first film and Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters 2, writers have had difficulty coming up with a suitable antagonist for the Busters to bust. Take a look at the following rejected plots and see if you don’t disagree with their decision to cancel each project:

  • On a trans-Atlantic cruise Peter Venkman finds love with a poor, deaf but beautiful passenger. He helps train her to become a boxer but she becomes paralysed in a freak buffet line accident. When the ship becomes infested with spirits from the ghost ship Mary Celeste, the Ghostbusters must do battle before the captain (who has gone mad by this point for an unexplained reason, but his madness is crucial to the story) can run the ship into an iceberg.

  • Having recently emerged from failed marriages/long term relationships, the Ghostbusters meet at a lakeside retreat to discuss life, love, friendship and the bonds that keep them together.

  • Egon Spengler invents a ‘reality’ device that accesses an alternate reality pulling in the four Ghostbusters from another dimension. The new Ghostbusters are identical in every way except for being left-handed and preferring iced tea over cola and must be returned to their world before the Time-Space continuum collapses completely. Kenny Loggins had already signed on to write the title song when the project was scrapped.

  • Jesus Christ returns to initiate The Rapture. The Vatican contracts the Ghostbusters to capture and eliminate the Son of God since his reappearance is bad for business. Despite the commitment of Tom Cruise to play Jesus, the movie was cancelled after massive protests from the Catholic Church and the SPCA (for some strange reason).

  • A giant asteroid entirely inhabited by alien ghosts is on a collision course with Earth. The President asks the Ghostbusters to join a team of NASA and Soviet astronauts to destroy the asteroid and save the planet. One week before shooting began, “Armageddon” hit the theatres.

  • The Ghostbusters join forces with the animated Ghostbusters (from the TV series) to do battle with villainous ghosts from classic fairy tales. The project was actually moving along well and would have beaten “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” in the live action/animated genre. However, as a result of a bizarre reverse copyright lawsuit, the producers were forced to include characters from the Hanna-Barbara cartoon family. The writers were able to accommodate The Flintstones, the Scooby-Doo gang and Yogi Bear, but the script broke down over the inclusion of Wally Gator, Atom Ant and Grape Ape.

    sexy ghostbusters cheerleaders dancers
  • The daughters of the Ghostbusters are all cheerleaders for the New York Jets. Unaware of their fathers’ former careers, they stumble upon the coveralls and backpacks in the attic of Ray Stantz house. Discovering their heritage, the girls decide to revive the business: cheerleadres by day, sexy Ghostbusters by night. Frankly, this one sounds like a hit to me! Lights, camera action!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Kate Crushes Competition

kate upton sports illustrated swimsuit bikini
Bikini model Kate Upton continues to make 2012 her year. This week, the 19 year old was revealed as the cover model for the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit edition, an honor shared with other greats as Elle Macpherson, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum and Cheryl Tiegs. The 2011 SI “Rookie of the Year” has been busy with a variety of press functions promoting the magazine which hits newsstands today.

While brief career has featured runway shows with Victoria’s Secret and photo shoots for Garage clothing and Guess jeans, Upton is not limiting her dominance to the fashion world alone. In a bold move, the Westminster Kennel Club has named her “Best In Show 2012”, retroactively voiding the title awarded to this weekend’s winner Pekingese ‘Malachy’. The New York Nicks are willing to flirt with their six game winning streak when they replace scoring phenom forward Jeremy Lin with the 5’10” 118 lb model when the Nicks face the Sacramento Kings tonight.

Regardless of not actually being in any movies last year, the willowy blond has now been added to the ballots for the Academy Awards for Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Live Action Short and Best Sound Mixing. Even more remarkable is the surge in popularity Upton is showing with Republican voters. Despite entering the nomination race at this late date, Kate is now the polling as front runner in Tennessee, Ohio and Arizona in the upcoming “Super Tuesday” primaries. Las Vegas has also posted Upton as a 3-1 favorite to be on next year’s swimsuit cover as well as win the 2012 Heisman trophy, a betting parlay unheard of since the days of Herschel Walker.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Gifts To Avoid

Happy Valentine’s Day. Help is at hand for all the readers (and I should qualify that as saying ‘male readers’) who are now saying: “Valentine’s is today!?! Goddammit!” It’s not too late to get your sweetheart a lovely gift and avoid the dog house. However, if The Dog House is your local pub/stripper bar, you may be eager to accept your romantic punishment.

Be aware that last minute gift giving, while an adrenaline rush, is fraught with danger. The wrong gift can ofter be worse than no gift at all. Remember how well the wiper blades and batteries were received at Christmas? Exactly.

For the security of your relationship, the following should be avoided like a Syrian anti-government rally:

  • Anything with the term “Ab” in it – Unless she is fitness professional, the gift of Ab-Rollers, Ab-Circlers, Ab-Rippers, Ab-Threshers or Ab-Manipulators of any type are only good for guaranteeing you will spend the next few weeks Ab-solutely Ab-andoned.

  • Lottery tickets – The payoff from the Powerball may be over $300 million, but since the odds of winning rival those of Nicholas Cage winning an award for subtlety, your true love will only remember the year you gave her a handful of garbage.

  • A donation to a political party in her name – Making donations on behalf of someone else is the latest rage in gift giving for the socially conscious. However the organizations must be “feel good” ones like the SPCA, Save The Children, The World Wildlife Fund, SmileTrain etc. Even the most hardened backroom political organizer will see nothing romantic in giving $100 to the party, no matter how attractive the tax incentive is. What do you get for the local caucus Chairwoman of the Republican Party who has everything? How about another one of the things she already has but in a different color.

  • A dating website membership – You wouldn’t think a person would need to be told this explicitly, but then you wouldn't think hair dryers should have to bear a label warning you to not use them in the shower. Internet Dating Greeting Cards, however, are always in vogue.

    Shakira beach sexy
  • Sea lion repellent – Don’t be fooled by all the slick advertising trying to frighten you about the dangers of sea lion attacks. The big repellent manufacturers want you to be scared. You are no more likely to be attacked by a sea lion than… Shakira was just attacked by a sea lion? I stand corrected. If you truly love your lady, get her some sea lion repellent.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Obama's Budget Suprises

President Obama has revealed the government's latest budget today. The plan, which critics are calling his "Election Campaign Spending"budget, contains a combination of spending cuts and tax increases designed to address the current economic crisis.

However, careful examination of the plan reveals several curious financial decisions which have baffled leading economists:
  • A temporary suspension of sales tax for all teddies, night gowns, baby dolls and other styles of skimpy lingerie during the two weeks leading up to, and including, Valentine's Day.

  • An additional $4 million to be used for NFL first round draft picks but only for the Chicago Bears. Preference will be given to players from the SEC (except Vanderbilt. Duh!)

  • Millions of dollars towards the purchase of Powerball lottery tickets (void where prohibited). If all goes as planned, next year's budget will include a new car for everyone! Suck on that Oprah.

  • The IRS will launch a targeted series of aggressive audits on all Americans named Mitt, Newt or any combination such as Nitt, Mewt, Mnetiwt etc.

  • Fines of up to $1 million on any normally hot celebrity who appears at an awards show dressed like "Queen of the Smurfs". An additional $500K to be levied for "unnecessary cleavage coverage".

  • Oil company funding credits for exploratory drilling for fuel resources in hot tubs, spas, grottoes or any other location where contestants of "The Bachelor " gather for cat fights.

  • A 1/5th reduction for all federal departments' operating costs combined with promoting "Work Outside Day" one day per week.

  • $5 million for research into time travel for anyone who can help him go back and "un-see" Two Girls, One Cup. Alternative research may include, but is not limited to: memory scrapes, selective amnesia induction or some type of probe that will make it all seem like 'just a bad dream'.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Control Yourself!

Republican leaders have introduced a proposal to counter President Obama’s Birth control legislation. Despite the compromise to allow religious organizations to remove birth control coverage as part of their employees’ health insurance, conservative politicians have continued to protest the Democrat’s initiative. “We are bringing a new bill forward that respects the Constitution, religious freedoms and a woman’s right to control their own bodies,” said Rep. Tom Thompson R-Iowa, the legislation’s main author.
naughty nuns
Titled “We Withdraw”, the bill is a combination of tax incentives, social engineering and theological doctrine designed to encourage “responsible reproduction” while steering clear of any religious issues on birth control. Dogs and Jeans’ Crack Religious Scholars have summaries the main points:

  • An annual tax credit of up to $500 for partners who practice “pulling out” at least once a week over using birth control. Tax claims must be accompanied by samples of semen free of any vaginal fluid. (The bill is not clear on how the samples will be distinguished from masturbatory ejaculate which would be an invitation for tax fraud.)

  • Education grants of up to $5000 to businesses and organizations to provide information to their employees on the Rhythm Method. Some examples of instructional material are the poster series “The Rhythm Method is Not A Dance”, the pamphlet “What Time (of the Month) Is It?” and the ever popular DVD “I Got Rhythm, I Got Ice Packs, I Got Jesus, Who Could Ask For Anything More?”

  • Federal matching funds of up to $3000 to assist in the removal of condom dispensing machines from the bathrooms of religious schools. (Ironically the same bill proposes reducing funding for high school day cares by up to 75%)

  • Since same-sex intimacy does not result in unwanted pregnancies, there is a logical incentive to endorse this lifestyle as a legitimate alternative to profane contraception. For those rabid anti-homosexuality advocates who also are unable to refrain from gay encounters in airport men’s rooms, rest stops and boy’s choirs, the bill proposes a loophole to the definition of homosexuality. In the section titled “It’s Not Gay If You’re On Top”, only one person in the coupling should be riddled with shame, freeing the “Top” person to continue delivering diatribes against homosexuals without guilt.

  • In anticipation of a spike in laundry resulting from an increase in “pull out fall out” on the nations bed linens, the government will encourage states to reduce their portion of sales tax on detergents by 1%. That loss of tax would be made up by a one-time federal transfer, or “Soap Subsidy” of $100 million to each state (except Delaware).

Due to controversy within the Republican party over the issue of swallowing, the entire section on tax breaks for blowjobs was removed.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

What To Do With Your $2000

If you were one of the thousands of Americans who were improperly foreclosed upon, the President’s announcement on home mortgage relief comes as good news. Not only will banks be forced to provide refinancing terms for people struggling to maintain their payments, but people who suffered “mortgage abuse” will receive a $2000 check for damages. You can out this money towards rent, food, a car payment, a hospital bill, your child’s education or something really fun:

  • A new tattoo
  • 20 or so Nano Quadrotor Drones to swarm those kids who keep cutting across the lawn.
  • Oversized rims for your minivan
  • Trademarking your children’s names (especially if one of them is called Blue Ivy)
  • One thousand Powerball lottery tickets
  • The complete boxed set of Anna Nicole Smith DVD’s (not including “Skyscraper”)
  • One of those fancy Tassimo coffee makers, and some burn ointment.
  • The new iPad3 now loaded with the Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test app.
  • Katy Perry’s re-released “Teenage Dream” (just in case you haven’t heard her music enough to make your ears bleed)
  • Tattoo removal

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Clint Eastood Takes A Stand

Karl Rove has accused the producers of a Chrysler ad aired during the Super Bowl of subliminally endorsing President Obama and violating campaign advertising rules. The two minute spot features Clint Eastwood describing how America in getting ready for its ‘Second Half’ of economic recovery while lauding the US auto industry turn-around. Rove states this is obvious praise for Obama’s bailout of the Detroit car makers combined with an appeal to give the President a second term. While Eastwood denies any political message in the commercial, Dog and Jeans has discovered this is not the first time that the Hollywood actor/director has used his films to push a political message.

A Fist Full of Dollars (1964) – The subtext of the film is a criticism of President Johnson’s negotiations for the Panama Canal replacement which was to cost US taxpayers $150 billion over a 15 year period.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966) – The landmark spaghetti western was actually an indictment of the Italian fashion and cosmetics industry for using animals in product testing

Paint Your Wagon (1969) – Eastwood’s first foray into musicals met with mixed reviews. The film was intended to counter the hippie music of Woodstock and turn the American public back the wholesome style of Broadway show tunes.

Two Mules For Sister Sarah (1970) – This western features Shirley MacLaine as nun on the run from a band of French soldiers. The selection of transportation across the Mexican wasteland is clearly a critique of the AMC Gremlin, Ford Pinto and other compact cars which were being launched into the marketplace at that time.

Dirty Harry (1971) – The first of the Harry Callaghan films introduced us to the cop whose disrespect for the law was matched only by his pursuit of justice. Thus began a string of films endorsing Presidents Nixon and Ford for their willingness to bend the rules to get results at all costs. A gap of seven years in the movies occurs from 1976 (when Jimmy Carter took office) to 1983 when “Sudden Impact” was released to laud President Reagan’s rapid re-ignition of the US economy.

Every Which Way But Loose (1978) – Eastwood’s first “comedy” exposed movie audiences to his lighter side, but masked a scathing indictment of the U.S. Mint’s decision to introduce the Susan B. Anthony dollar into circulation.

Unforgiven (1992) – This gritty western about two retired gunmen setting out for one final “hit” is clearly an allegory of the U.S. government’s refusal to sign the UN convention on Climate Change and Biological Diversity in Rio De Janeiro that same year.

The Bridges of Madison County (1995) – The romantic tale of a lonely woman’s affair with a visiting photographer provided Meryl Streep with another of her many Academy Award nominations. The film also showed that Eastwood’s political interests are not limited to the US alone. The parallels between the forbidden love of the two characters and the referendum for Quebec independence from Canada are too hard to ignore.

Million Dollar Baby (2004) – Contrary to opinion, the Oscar winner is neither a criticism of the violence in boxing nor an endorsement for the right to euthanasia for the critically ill. In a surprise twist, the film is actually metaphor for the recall of California Gray Davis and election of Arnold Schwarzenegger the previous year.

Space Cowboys (2000) – The rollicking good tale of four elderly test pilots finally getting their chance to fly in space captured the imaginations of audiences of all ages. Eastwood’s position on gay marriage (with Vermont legalizing same-sex civil unions that same year) is displayed clearly in several critical scenes, although the phrase “re-entry” is not spoken in any of them.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Need A Haircut

I need a haircut. In fact, I’ve needed a haircut for about 2 weeks now. I’m not yet at the point where it’s become a hygiene issue, but it is a nagging concern. I don’t expect the ladies to have any sympathy for my situation, since a trim for me takes no more than 20 minutes without any wash, coloring, styling etc. needed. It’s a pretty simple, in and out process, but finding the time to get to the shop between work and home activities is a challenge.

The real dilemma I face now with my hair is that it really only looks good for about 3 weeks out of the 10 week (or so) period between cuts. I have always liked keeping my hair short; not quite military standard but certainly of a length that has eliminated the need to own a comb for as long as I can remember. However, I am now at a certain age where a cut by razor alone exposes far too much skull. It used to be a simple procedure: a #2 guard for the sides and a #3 guard for the crown. Where once that method resulted in a cut sufficient to scrub a roast turkey pan, now it reveals enough reflective white skin to warn passing ships of the danger of underwater reefs.

Nearly 21 days must pass before the hair has grown long enough to fill in the dead spots. Then comes a glorious three week period when my hair works: in the wind, right out of the shower, at the gym, with that special someone. It’s like being a member in the “Hair Club For Men” without paying the dues and having to attend a lot of meetings. Life is good.

And then without warning it’s too long. And not rock star “too long” with a glorious mane of hair hanging in my eyes and down to the middle of my back. A weird, uneven “too long” where the sides have grown straight out at a faster rate than the top creating a mushroom effect, while the widow’s peak at the front has corkscrewed into a whispy, half-hearted Flock of Seagulls cowlick. And I need a haircut.

Now begins the agony of trying to shoehorn in 20 minutes on the way home from work, between dance class and piano lessons, while waiting for a prescription to be filled or gambling on making it in after soccer but before the parlor closes. For nearly three weeks, it becomes the primary focus of my non husband/parent/employee/coach intellect. When I leave the house, my pocket “pat down” process goes like this: wallet, keys, glasses, cell phone, “$3 off haircut” coupons.

I only hope I can make it in to the shop before my long suffering wife (the one who has too look at it and, if I’m lucky, run her fingers through it) has to make the transition from gentle reminders to aggravated nagging. Wish me (and her) luck.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Madonna Didn't Suck!

Random thoughts from the Super Bowl:
  • "Does the NFL have a requirement that all men over 240 lbs have full sleeve tattoos?"
  • "The Giants look pretty good. I hope the game doesn't turn into a blowout. There's nothing else on except 'Touched By An Angel'."
  • "The next time I see a helmet pop off in a tackle, I bet there will be a head in it"
  • "Man, Tom Brady's wife is good looking!"
  • "Oo, hot wings!"
  • "And here come the Patriots."
  • "Okay Madonna, let's get this over with..."
  • "Do you like gladiator movies Jimmy?"
  • "What the heck is M.I.A so upset about?"
  • "And back to football, and another beer please!"
  • "Oo, pulled pork sandwiches! And more wings!"
  • "So the Giants have decided to stop holding onto the ball have they?"
  • "Man, Tom Brady is good looking!"
  • "There is no way the Giants can come back. There just won't be enough time..."
  • "They got the ball back! But the Giants only have one time out..."
  • "Touchdown!!!"
  • "And here comes Brady... And one more helping of wings..."
  • "Hail Mary!"
  • "Okay, now for hockey."

Friday, February 3, 2012

Sunday Super Bowl Demotivation

For all the Dogs & Jeans followers who said "I bet Friday's Demotivational Posters will have a Super Bowl theme," you guessed right! Following up on the popularity of the College Bowl Demotovational Posters, were are a batch of pro football posters, complete with cheerleaders too!

Enjoy the game and don't be too creeped out by Madonna's lifelike appearance!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Bad Sting Code Names

Attorney General Eric Holder continues to face criticism over the US Justice Department’s flawed guns-running program aimed at stopping Mexican drug cartels. While the program was supposed to track firearms purchased at US guns stores, all it merely did was allow more weapons to fall into the hands of criminals. Nick-named “Operation Fast and Furious”, the flawed effort was certainly fast and the fall-out has been furious. However, the controversy could have been much worse if the planners had selected another Hollywood film as the code name:

  • “Operation Glitter”

  • “Operation Great Muppet Caper”

  • “Operation How Stella Got Her Groove Back”

  • “Operation Phantom Menace”

  • “Operation Parent Trap”

  • “Operation Life Is Beautiful”

  • “Operation Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action!”

  • "Operation Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey"

  • “Operation Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

  • “Operation Happy Gilmour”

  • “Operation Cheaper By The Dozen Part 2”

  • “Operation A Time To Kill”

  • “Operation Gone With The Wind”

  • “Operation Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion”

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Who Wants To Know?

Political strategists and media outlets use exits polls as a means of gauging the relative popularity (or unpopularity) of candidates within particular demographics. Using specific questions, they can understand the effect that  policies and platforms have on a target voting group as well as the personal appeal of the politician themselves. This information can be used to massage the message to increase support, direct advertising or change tactics during a campaign when victory is no longer assured.

The tradition of exit polling continued in the recent Florida Primary with questions being asked of voters to classify their support. Many of the standard questions were asked such as age, race, gender, economic group, education level and family status. However, several bizarre questions were posed to voters, the intent of which puzzle even Dogs and Jeans' Crack Political Consultants:
  • If you were a cat, which breed of cat would you be?
  • The movie "Avatar" was derivative of "Mutiny On The Bounty" and "Fern Gulley". Discuss.
  • Would you rather fire Nicole Sherzinger or house-sit Kristen Bell's pet sloth?
  • Less filling or tastes great?
  • Now that you know there will no longer be "pink slime" in McDonald's beef, how many fewer Bic Mac's will you eat this year?
  • Which of these animals are more likely to predict the weather better than a groundhog: Giraffe, Ocelot, Badger, Snooki.
  • Is it safe?
  • Do you still watch "Glee"? Why or why not?
  • What is you favorite SuperBowl snack: wings, meatballs, spring rolls or nachos?
  • If you knew your candidate had eaten other airline passengers after a plane crash in an isolated mountain range, would you be more or less likely to vote for him/her?
  • Which characteristic do you think best described Sarah Palin: Spunky, Feisty, Sweaty, Noisy or Pesty?