Apple is set to release its new iPhone on Sept 12. The tech giant will hold a glitzy launch party to showcase the still unnamed device and introduce the world to its new features. Along with a thinner body and larger screen, the new iPhone will showcase several new elements sure to excite even the most jaded IT junkie:
Skank Detector: Developed with help from the creators of The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad, the Skank Detector can be used to either avoid or seek out the sluttiest humans within a 2 mile radius. Using a sophisticated remote sensing feature that runs results through an algorithm based on attributes from Maxim magazine, TMZ and SpikeTV, the new iPhone will locate guys and girls with low inhibitions and surgical enhancements and show the results right on the screen!
Chirp: Twitter may be embedded in all the browsers now, but all that does is subject us to more inane updates. Launch Chirp and let the catalogue of criticisms such as "Who Cares?", "Get a Life!" and "Close the bathroom door Jerk!" train the Twits to tweet with something worth reading.
Get Happy!: Are you tired of the stream of depressing news stories that pop up on your current iPhone? While the new iPhone won’t block downer stories from CNN or FoxNews, but for every headline about a Wall Street meltdown, natural disaster or Middle East bombing, Get Happy! will send you a smiley icon, picture of a kitty or a reminder that Jesus loves you (depending on your “Faith” settings). Get Happy! can’t change the world but at least it can help you ignore it.
Voice Communication: With all the effort developers have put into making the iPhone be the best little mobile computer there is, they seem to have forgotten to also equip it with the ability to call someone and talk to them without a ton of static or dropping the call altogether. No more! The new iPhone will make Alexander Graham Bell proud by finally allowing you to reach your wife and find out what you need to pick up at eh grocery store.