Wednesday, August 29, 2012

GOP Excitement

With Hurricane Isaac bearing down on the Gulf States, GOP Organizers are concerned that the public’s attention is being drawn away from the Republican convention. This has long been a worry in the Party considering that Mitt Romney locked up the nomination so many months ago. Without the drama of a real nomination race from the floor, the need to hold such a large event became redundant and the media attention waned accordingly.

Dogs and Jeans Crack Research Squad
Because of this, Republicans are offering other entertainment during the convention in hopes of really sparking the imagination of American voters. Dogs & Jeans’ Crack Research Squad has gone behind the scenes to discover the entertainment being featured filled with Right-Wing goodness:

• Governor Chris Christie’s rousing opening night speech was followed up by his winning the Republican Hot Dog Eating Contest.

• Cirque de Soleil will be performing trapeze routines over the convention floor every 15 minutes (despite Paul Ryan’s mortal fear of acrobats).

• In the convention centre pool, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte will be towing former President Bush on his water skis,

• Newly minted member Condoleezza Rice will be hosting a membership drive for the Augusta National Golf Club.

• Lock up your wives because Matthew McConaughey will be attending the convention shirtless!

• There has been a rumor circulating that Wolf Blizter is, in fact, a werewolf. Anyone who denies it is likely a werewolf themselves.

• Forget Hurricane Isaac. The Province of Saskatchewan had amassed its forces along the Montana border. 2500 pissed off farmers of Ukrainian descent are ready to invade!

• Former VP Dick Cheney has volunteered to be Tasered by members of the Florida National Guard to demonstrate the power of his new pacemaker.

• John McCain challenged Romney to a best-of-three arm wrestling match. Loser has to address the convention without pants. Everybody knows McCain's got some sneaky-ass Navy arm wrestling skills.


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