Tuesday, July 31, 2012

London 2012 Olympic Drinking Games

Dogs and Jeans has helped readers pass the time before during political debates and reality TV shows with fun diversions .

For London 2012 we present a new Olympic Drinking Game! (play at your own risk)

Take one sip when:

  • The commentator tells us how much something cost
  • A weightlifter from a former Soviet Republic is disqualified for doping
  • Anything is compared to the Beijing ceremonies
  • You hear the phrase “this is what the Olympics is all about”
  • Usain Bolt is hyped up
  • A country whose name ends in ‘istan’ appears
  • beach volleyball sexy bums
  • The word “spectacular” or “moment” is mentioned.
  • There is a reference to the 1948 London Olympics
  • There is an aerial shot of the stadium
  • There is a close-up of a female beach volleyball player’s bum
  • A spectator or athlete is shown crying

Chug half a beer every time:

  • A “Dream Team” reference is made
  • Michael Phelps appears wearing his headphones
  • Some athlete has “overcome great odds” and is just “happy to be here”
  • A royal family member is shown
  • The camera pans the stands to show empty seats at a venue
  • empty olympic seats
  • Each time an athlete from a land-locked or desert country competes in a boating event
  • A gymnast has to pull her leotard out of her ass crack.

Finish the drink in your hand when:

  • An interview is carried out on a spectator who is evidently drunk
  • A protocol mistake is made on an a competitor’s flag
  • olympic gymnasts kissing
  • Female athletes congratulate each other by kissing on the mouth
  • An equestrian athlete forgets to thank his/her horse who really does all the work
  • Queen Elizabeth II is shown not waving or smiling
  • The camera pans the stands to show formerly empty seats filled with the military at a venue

Monday, July 30, 2012

Opening Ceremony Surprises

The Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics lived up to its publicity. Billions around the world tuned in and were awed and amazed by the spectacle put on by “Slumdog Millionaire” director Danny Boyle. The theme of “Isles of Wonder” was known beforehand and some of the elements were expected, however, there were still plenty of surprises:

    pippa middleton sexy bum
  • The traditional rendition of “God Save The Queen” Replaced with “Three Cheers for Pippa’s Bottom”.

  • Warlord Joseph Kony was the flag bearer for Uganda.

  • Author J.K. Rowling was paid $1 million per word for her reading of Peter Pan.

  • While Irish Sinead O’Conner was not selected to sing the Olympic Hymn, she still did manage to get on stage a tear up a picture of former IOC Chairman Juan Antonio Samaranch.

  • The tribute to Britain’s industrial past featured real orphans with black lung.

  • American country music singer Kellie Pickler’s scantily clad salute to US troops seemed out of context but nobody complained.

  • Prior to lighting the Olympic Cauldron, the Olympic Torch was used to make S’mores by members of the Canadian Filed Hockey team.

  • The homage to the film “This Is Spinal Tap”, a miniature Stonehenge was used feature dancing midget druids.

  • Not enough sick children had been available to honor Britain’s National Health Service, so Olympic Officials sparked a minor cholera epidemic in West London on Wednesday. 
    • No Spice Girls were harmed during the production.
    Event Update: Gymnastics competition is in full swing and so is the judging controversy. For some background on past gymnastics disputes check out:

    Olympic Judging Controversy Remedy

Friday, July 27, 2012

Olympic Flag Controversy

sexy american flag bikini model
Controversy has arise with the USOC just hours before the London 2012 Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies. Reports have emerged that officials are considering "dipping" the Stars and Stripes as the US team passes the Royal dais in a show of respect to the host nation. However, unlike many other countries, doing so is a violation of the US Flag Code which stipulates rules display among other regulations. While Canada, New Zealand and Commonwealth countries may honor the Queen in such a manner, the American contingent has never done so. However, attractive women are free to turn American flags into bikinis, tank tops, booty shorts or simply drape them over their naked bodies in a display of patriotic excess.

US track flay display american relay teamThis follows on the heels of another flag controversy. On Wednesday the South Korean flag was accidentally displayed prior to a North Korean soccer match. Players delayed their entrance to the game for more than an hour in protest and have since been kept in seclusion since.

British officials have stated the US is free to do as they please with their flag and hope the Opening Ceremonies goes off without any complications. In a related story, Iranian officials have stated they too will not dip the Iranian flag, but will be burning several US flags during the torch procession.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Rejected Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Tomorrow is the Opening Ceremonies of the London 2012 Olympic Games. This is often an elaborate spectacle (recall the amazing multi-million dollar Beijing Opening Ceremonies) and watched by billions of people across the globe. Even non-sports fans tune in before ignoring the Summer Games for another four years. As such, there is much anticipation for the pageantry expected in tomorrow’s Opening Ceremonies titled “Isles Of Wonder”. The theme is a celebration of all things British from the United Kingdom’s past through today. From knights on horseback, Shakespeare, global exploration and establishment of The Commonwealth, to today’s mix of bustling urban centers and quiet farming villages and cultural phenomenon like The Beatles and Harry Potter, the show is expected to delight and entertain young and old.

Planning the extravaganza was not easy and one of the biggest hurdles was deciding on an appropriate theme. Here is a list of many that did not make the cut.

    tom cruise
  • The Many Marriages of Tom Cruise
  • The Queen Kicks Ass!
  • Try To Forget Beijing
  • Who Shot JR?
  • Salute to English Cuisine
  • Human Rights In The Arab World
    sexy one piece bathign suit model
  • Respect The One Piece Bathing Suit; It’s Sexy Too
  • Reality TV Star Drug Rehab
  • Let’s Go Camping!
  • James Bond Through The Ages
  • Life Is Better With Pudding

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Strange Olympic Sports

olympic shooting pigeonsEven though the London 2012 Opening Ceremonies are not until Friday, preliminary rounds in some sports like soccer are starting today. As such, Dogs & Jeans will begin it’s odyssey of Daily Olympic Blogging today. CNN has published a list of the 10 Strangest Events in historical Olympic competition, but they have not considered all of them. Along with rope climbing and live pigeon shooting, the CNN article has overlooked several other bizarre events from the past:

Equestrian Diving: The Belgians are great horse people, so it was only fitting that when hosting the 1920 Games, Olympic organizers tried to accommodate as many horse-related events as possible. While equestrian golf and equestrian sailing were ultimately discarded, equestrian diving did receive approval for competition. Sadly the event was a dismal failure as venue planners neglected to include a suitable method for getting the horse to the top of the platform. In the end, only 2 riders were able to coax their horses up the ladder with only one entering the water while still mounted. As a footnote, German officials tried to re-instate the event in the 1936 Berlin Games but more out of a cruel curiosity than a spirit of competition.

Synchronized Boxing: As part of the post-1984 synchro craze, few sports were safe from adding the element of coordinated completion. Synchronized boxing made its brief appearance in the 1988 Seoul Olympic games. Medals were awarded for synchronization with both an opponent and with music.

Full Contact Rowing: Rowing has been a staple of Olympic competition since 1900 and remains one of the defining sports of the games. At the 1960 Rome Games, an effort was made to increase the spectator interest in the races by allowing the coxswains to use an additional oar to impede, interfere or disable other boats. Competition was halted after only three events when it became clear that without the requirement for all oarsmen to wear helmets, the clubbing was too dangerous.

Team Knitting: Attempts to include more “artistic” events in the 1952 Helsinki Games. Painting, sculpture and decoupage were all rejected as being too subjective, however, team knitting qualified based on the ability of judges to actually measure the production of the team. Medals were awarded in several categories including Scarves, Sweaters and Toilet Paper Roll Covers. The success of this event was marred by the disqualification of the USSR team for “enhanced needles”. The Team knitting was removed from completion for subsequent games but the controversy was only the first of many for the Soviets.

Running Backwards: For years, track and field athletes have complained that swimmers are able to win more medals by swimming the same distances but in different ways (front crawl, breast stroke, back stroke and butterfly). After years of protests, many of the track events added a “running backwards” element during the 1968 Olympic Games in Mexico City. Medals were awarded in the 100m, 200m, 400m and the 4x100m relay. It is not clear why these backwards events were never held again, but a small but vocal lobby continues to petition to have them re-instated along with hopping and crawling events.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Puppet Politics

The announcement that The Muppets were ending their relationship with Chick-fil-A over gay marriage has opened the floodgates to other celebrity characters taking a stand against other corporate entities. In many cases these have been long standing business associations being brought down by a contentions social issue:

  • The Flintstones have removed their endorsement of Flintstone Vitamins after a vice president of Bayer Pharmaceuticals stated that man and dinosaurs did not co-exist as depicted in the show.
  • Scooby Doo and the Gang will no longer allow replicas of “The Mystery Machine” to be available in McDonald’s Happy Meals after the company refused to publish Fred’s manifesto about the benefits of hybrid vehicles.
  • Elmer Fudd has given up his membership in the NRA after the gun lobby ‘s continued tepid response to what he described as “wesponsible westwictions to non-wabbit hunting assault wifles.”
  • rock band kiss meets the phantom of the park movie
  • The members of KISS have cancelled further appearances at and Six Flags amusement parks until somebody can stop The Phantom.
  • Bart Simpson is refusing to advertise for Butterfinger candy bars after a real finger was found inside a wrapper in Tuscon, Arizona.
  • Blue Man Group has halted their tour of North America to draw attention to the potential damage that could be caused to the Pacific Ocean by the proposed Northern Gateway pipeline through British Columbia (only nobody cares).
  • H R Pufnstuff was going to take time away from filming a new TV special to work on Obama’s re-election campaign when he was found to be only the remnants of a 1970 acid trip by Sid Kroft.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Second Amendment Sense

The tragedy in Aurora Colorado has predictably re-ignited the gun debate across the United States. Once again, supporters and opponents of gun regulation alike refer to their specific phrases of the Second Amendment to justify their positions. Whether the stated “infringements” to a Right to Bear Arms is intended for individuals or a collective state militia has long been at the crux of the debate, and without any direct evidence to the intent of the framers of the amendment itself is impossible to resolve.

second amendment right to bear arms gun laws

The disagreement is a red herring in terms of personal safety, however. Much like the proverbial chicken-and-egg argument, neither side can be correct. Worse, discussing the application of gun rights to individual versus collective freedoms does little to prevent tragedies like the July 20th theatre massacre. No amount of regulation can prevent a person from committing atrocities when they have no concern for the consequences, or even their own safety. However, undertaking a more productive exercise to study the amendment from a historical perspective could reduce the death toll in such future events.

Consider what was the understanding the legislators had of arms and their purchase at the time when they drafted the amendment. In 1789 America, the most common types of guns were single-shot arms of a limited variety and effectiveness. Aside from a few breech loaders, most were muzzle loaded in a process which essentially eliminated any threat of mass murder. The most common and inexpensive were muskets which were extremely inaccurate and only effective in a group application (eg. shoulder- to-shoulder platoon attack) rather than an assault by an individual. Accurate rifled barrels were available, however, the length of the barrel made it almost impossible to conceal (and sneak into a public place) and their relative expense limited their possession to the more affluent.

Mass production of guns and ammunition was still in its infancy so the cost and time to obtain arms was often considerable. As such, the idea of a household having more than two rifles or pistols to use against fellow citizenry was ludicrous. Even if we credit the writers of the amendment with the foresight to imagine a world where expense and manufacturing of armaments was no longer an impediment to multiple gun ownership, they were still framing the amendment around a belief of limitations in the guns themselves.

In 1789, balancing the rights of the individual with the safety of the community was relatively simple if a gun could only be fired once, often with a low probability of doing significant damage, before the opportunity arose to disarm the shooter. In fact a good knife, axe or pointed farm implement was a more deadly weapon for inflicting serious repeated damage. In the big picture, what harm to society could there be for allowing the average person to own a gun when weighed against the necessary restrictions needed on oppressive future governments?

Had legislators been able to see 230 years into the future when automatic weapons can fire a dozen rounds a second (and accuracy then becomes irrelevant) and the tools for mass destruction can be purchased quickly, inexpensively and with near anonymity over the Internet, would they will have taken greater care to spell out the controls intended in the Second Amendment? I think so. It is one thing to be free from government interference in the ownership of a duck hunting rifle but quite another to arm yourself with an AK-47 and 2 semi-automatic pistols for an attack on a middle school lunchroom. Nobody should have the right to do that.

To repeat: I do not expect laws to protect me from the unexpected acts of the deranged mind. Nor am I interested in the polarizing dispute between the two extremes of the pro and anti-gun lobbies. However, in light of the Aurora theatre shooting, it is time to examine a re-definition of the Second Amendment based on an appreciation of the times in which it was written. In doing so, I would expect the suitable restrictions on the purchase and even manufacturing of weapons such as those used on July 20th to regulated groups like the military and police force would not constitute an infringement of anyone’s civil rights.

Sadly, politicians will likely lack the courage to address the issue again, becoming distracted by the fanatic dogma from both extremes. Rather than taking measures to increase public safety through legislation that will infringe on no one’s rights, bills will be drafted to further restrict personal freedoms in an attempt to defend us from the unexpected. Don’t be surprised when movie theatres require all patrons to pass through a metal detector when purchasing a ticket. Never mind that accused shooter James Holmes did not bring his weapons in the front door, we will be told the inconvenience (and it’s added cost to ticket prices) is the price we have to pay for safety.

There is something wrong in America when lawmakers see nothing amiss with requiring movie goers to undergo a full body scan to watch the next installment of “The Avengers” but instead refusing to update legislation to limit the killing power of crazy people. Sensibly eliminating the production and distribution of deadly weapons unimagined over 200 years ago will not be seen as unconstitutional when examined free from the rhetoric of special interest groups.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

British Open Fun Facts

The 141st British Open tees off tomorrow at Royal Lytham & St. Anne's golf course. While many people are aware of it's storied victories by Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods, there are many other fascinating tidbits about "The Open" (as it is called).
  • tiger woods british open golfThe Claret Jug was not the original trophy but after 30 years, people felt the Enamel Chamber Pot was too vulgar a prize.
  • Until 1923, the tournament was only three rounds followed by an 18 bar "Pub Crawl".
  • Organizers are responsible for importing fresh cocktail wairesses for Tiger Woods each day.
  • The first Open Champion in 1860, Willie Park Sr., turned his back on golf only to devote himself to an unseccesful obsession trying to invent the microwave oven. 
  • Reality star Snooki qualified to play in the 2007 Open but could not participate due to a schuduling conflict.  
  • The tournament was cancelled in 1871 due to there being no prize mooney available. Contestants gathered instead at a seaside resort and developed the game of beach volleyball.
  • 1888 winner Jack Burns was later found to be a woman, however, was considered to be so unattractive the championship was not revoked.
  • The phrase "Get In The Hole!' was first shouted at the 1987 Open at Turnberry and golf has never been the same.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Rejected Lady Gaga Perfume

Lady Gaga has released her new fragrance with the uncharacteristically banal name of "Fame". Unless the perfume smells like inner-city dance sweat and teen hormones as an homage to the 1980's movie and subsequent TV series, the choice of "Fame" reeks of an advertising agency trying to steer the avant-garde musician away from shocking.

Dogs * Jeans has uncovered the list of names Lady Gaga suggested for her signature fragrance that were ultimately rejected:
    naked lady gaga perfume
  • Fame Whore
  • Call Me Maibee
  • Meat Hook
  • Pubes
  • Tom Cruise's Divorce
  • Syrian Massacre
  • There's An App For That
  • Pus
  • Gastric Bypass
  • Smells This Way
  • Compost
  • Sandusky's Pet
  • Body Cavity Search
  • Sarin
  • Katy Perry Sucks