Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Olympic Blogging Glory

olympic torch flame runner hold sky modern olympic logo t-shirt african olympian photo sexy
There is less than one month to the start of the 2012 London Summer Olympics. Back in 2008, Dogs & Jeans achieved the unthinkable: posting Olympic-themed jackassery every day! For two weeks (or as the British say "a fortnight") straight.

You can read the first of those Beijing posts here: Olympic Performance Enhancements. You can catch up on all of them by searching for Olympic on Dogs & Jeans (I think).

While Trooper is another quadrennial older, he is committed to that same level of customer service. So from the first banner of the Opening Ceremonies, through the first judging scandal, the last tearful overcoming-all-odds medal presentation to the final soggy English firework of Closing Ceremonies, you can count on Dogs & Jeans to keep you oddly informed (even on the weekends!)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Win a West Coast Getaway

These two dogs are enjoying British Columbia's fantastic west coast beaches, and you can too. Just enter this contest to win a $2000 vacation at the exclusive Wickaninnish in Tofino BC, one of Trooper's favorite spots for sun, sand and surf.

Good luck from Dogs & Jeans!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Signs You Are Not The VP

Rumors have been circulating for days that Senator Marco Rubio was being considered for Mitt Romney’s Vice Presidential nominee. However, several sources close to the campaign are now saying the popular Latino politician will not be vetted. Rubio will likely not be the last potential candidate to wonder if he’ll get the call to join Romney on the ticket.

Here are some signs you are no longer being considered for VP:

• Your lunch meeting with Mitt has been downgraded to a drive-thru a Burger King with Travis, the campaign volunteer from Des Moines.

junglebird man
• The media describes your appeal as being “Sandusky-esque

• When you call campaign headquarters, the receptionist suddenly loses the ability to speak English.

• You hold a press conference and only Junglebird Man shows up.

• Even Casey Anthony takes back her endorsement.
washington hookers sexy monument

• Your parking space has been replaced with a Sunglasses Hut.

• Mail from the Nominee’s campaign office contains suspicious white powdery substance.

• Washington hookers won’t give you a second look.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Facebook Can Read Your Mind

Facebook has announced plans to change the way ads appear on a user's pages. Rather than present ads based on the profile and "likes" expressed, ads will now appear based on the web browsing history of a user.

penny sexy big bang theory
In a related story, the yoga industry, prayer groups, the Republican Party and the U.S.'s financial publications have noticed a huge drop in their advertising presence on Facebook, while promotions for The Big Bang Theory, debt relief and all manner of pornography has seen a huge jump.

When asked when users can expect having Facebook invade their dreams, a spokesman shouted "Look out behind you!" and ran from the room while reporters were distracted.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Is Miss USA Hungry?

miss USA beauty pageant sexy bikini modelsNew allegations the results of the Miss USA pageant were predetermined emerged today. Following on the heels of last week’s resignation by Miss Pennsylvania on the ground that the contest was rigged, an anonymous source alleges Miss Florida knew the list of finalists even before the Top 15 had been announced. More contestants are expected to come forward accusing the Miss USA organization of potential fraud.

Hunger Games beauty pagent Contest
Scrambling to stave off further bad publicity, pageant officials are expected to announce changes to the Miss USA format. Insiders report to Dogs & Jeans that the beauty contest will abandon it’s talent portion in favor of a Hunger Games-style fight to the death. Challengers for the title will be isolated in an environmentally controlled arena where they will be pitted against one another for survival. Bikinis will be mandatory since Miss USA does not wish to stray too far from what it terms ‘core values’.

Pageant owner Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, however, a spokesman did state that the changes would still be “classy”.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

UN To Punish Syria?

After releasing new, horrific evidence that the Syrian government has used children as human shields and tortured those with families suspected of opposing the Assad regime, the United Nations has announced they will be taking action. The UN will be taking a stand against these human rights crimes by doing the following:

Monday, June 11, 2012

Apple Secrets

cell phones popular culture youthApple’s annual Worldwide Developer’s Conference (WWDC) is being held this week in San Francisco. This will be the first conference since the passing of former CEO Steve Jobs. The new man in charge Tim Cook is expected to take the stage today and announce new developments at Apple. Some of his speech is expected to include previews of the new iOS 6 and new MacBook laptop features.

Dogs & Jeans sent our Crack Popular Culture Mavens to the conference to get all the latest developments. They found some of his announcements verged on the personal will make even the most devoted Apple user feel a little awkward:

  • New iPad has an app for converting all your apps into even smaller apps.
  • Tommy Chong is his favorite of Cheech and Chong.
  • The Apple Air will include the all the natural goodness of 3 real apples.
  • He would have won his Tony Awards pool if he had picked “Once” over “Newsies” for Best Musical.
  • Apple products make great Father’s Day gifts.
  • They are nearly complete with the development of a revolutionary new camera that can also be used as a phone.
  • The Apple logo with the bite missing? His idea!
  • People keep asking him what he thought of “Prometheus” but he really has no idea what the hell they are talking about.

Friday, June 8, 2012

What Makes A Horse?

In a shocking announcement, I’ll Have Another has pulled out of Saturday’s Belmont Stakes race. The three year old had already won the Kentucky Derby and Preakness races and was poised to become the first horse in nearly 40 years to win the Triple Crown. I’ll have Another’s trainer cited an inflamed tendon as the reason for the withdrawal. However, Dogs & Jeans has uncovered the explosive truth.

jenna talackova transsexual beauty pageant contestant transgender bikini model
Donald Trump, the owner of the Belmont Stakes racing organization has claimed I’ll Have Another violated rules for now being a “naturally born horse”. In a move reminiscent of Trump’s decision earlier this year to disqualify transgender contestant Jenna Talackova from the Miss Canada beauty pageant, a technicality has been used to influence the outcome of an event. She was later re-instated but did not win the title.

“We know that I’ll Have Another was not born a horse,” said an unnamed race official. “We are not sure if he was a mule, zebra or some type of llama, but the decision is still the same. I’ll have another can’t run.”

I'll have another Kentucky Derby Belmont Stakes Preakness
While a spokesman for I’ll Have Another has not denied the allegation, he did say that they would fight the decision on behalf of all trans-species competitors. “Being a thoroughbred is more than a well-chiseled head on a long neck, high withers, a deep chest, a short back, good depth of hindquarters, a lean body, and long legs. It is about being hot-blooded in your heart and in your mind. Sometimes what is on the inside doesn’t match the outer appearance.”

It is not clear if I'll Have Another will be permitted to race in other horse-only events of will be restricted to specialty trans-horse races in the future.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Tinkerbell in Tears

A little known Disney World dress code has ruined a Florida teen’s visit to the Magic Kingdom. 15 year old April Spielman arrived at the Orlando theme park dressed as Tinkerbell to spend the day with her boyfriend who had never been to Disney World before. Despite the high quality of the homemade costume, Disney officials claimed they do not allow patron’s dressed as Disney Characters to attend the rides or venues.

princess leia sexy slave costumeA review of the fine print of the Disney Dress Code reveals some other surprising attire that is banned in the park:

    kim kardashian slutty sailor costume
  • Spiderman (but not Venom)
  • Princess Leia
  • Any of the Village People
  • Slutty Sailor Girl
  • Colin Firth (for no apparent reason)
  • Any of the Women from Sex and The City
    lindsay lohan elizabeth taylor tribute
  • Snookie (but not Ewok)
  • Lindsey Lohan’s interpretation of Elizabeth Taylor
  • Spuds McKenzie

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Miss USA Pageant Rigged?

miss USA beauty pageant bikini contest sexy swimsuit
Sheena Monnin, a Miss USA pageant contestant has resigned her state crown in protest. The former Miss Pennsylvania said she could not continue in Donald Trump’s Miss USA organization once she became convinced the contest was rigged. Monnin claimed she learned the names of the Top 5 finalists the day before the final events indicating that the results had been predetermined.

If Miss Pennsylvania had been paying attention, she would have seen the signs earlier that the pageant was fixed:

  • Stilettoes came in two types: “Catwalk Grip” and “Super Slip”.

  • Scooby Doo and the Gang were called in to investigate the mysterious disappearance of several girls who went to check out spooky noises coming from the basement.

  • Only certain contestants were allowed in the ‘Enhancement Room’.

  • Pageant supplied diuretics were surplus training supplements from the Former East German swimming program.

  • Only a handful of bikinis were issued. Everyone else received swimsuits from the Rosie O’Donnell Collection.

  • Several unexplained spray tan fatalities.

  • Some of the other contestants describe their talents as: “Influencing Officials” and “Eliminating the Competition”

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Who is Queen Elizabeth?

queen elizabeth
Today marks the beginning of celebrations for Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee. Around Great Britain, Commonwealth countries and the globe itself, millions will be honoring QE2’s sixty years on the throne. During that time, she has accomplished much, and continues to work tirelessly for humanitarian causes. However Queen Elizabeth is a woman of great depth and many talents. Most people are unaware of some of her most significant accomplishments:

  • Prior to becoming next in line to the Throne, a young Princess Elizabeth of York trained to be a vampire hunter.

  • In the late 60’s launched her own line of ladies’ intimate apparel and lingerie called “Racy Royal” available exclusively at Herod’s Department Store in London.

  • A brief attempt at a professional tennis career was derailed after a loss to transsexual professional Rene Richards at the eponymous Queen’s Club, a Wimbledon warm-up event. While she hung up her racquet after the match, Queen Elizabeth continues to point with pride at the contest as being a turning point in transgender rights.

  • She had a three episode appearance on The Rockford Files in 1977 where she played a character named “Queenie”, a madam with a heart of gold. She helped Jim Rockford break a case of missing girl abducted by Tong gangs, returning her to her parents and even shared a brief on-screen kiss with James Garner.

  • A long-time friend of Richard Dawson, Queen Elizabeth once criticised the actor and game show host for “not being affectionate enough.”

    Kim Kardashian sexy Queen of Hearts
  • Before the emergence of Facebook, Queen Elizabeth launched one of the first social media applications called ‘Look At Me’. While it did not catch on with the general public, it is still in use for deposed European royalty to communicate while yachting in the Mediterranean, skiing in Garmish-Partenkirchen or summering in Newport.
  • Despite all appearances to the contrary, she remains the singel most impartant figure in Kim Kardasian's life as the person the reality TV star models herself after.

Monday, June 4, 2012

"Special" Reality TV Shows

sexy girls in wheelchairsWith the expected success of the new reality show, “Push Girls”, competing networks are rushing to produce other “docuseries” that feature beautiful women dealing with handicaps. The Sundance channel’s “Push Girls” presents lives of four LA women who are wheelchair bound. The audience follows the lives of the former models, dancers and actresses, as they deal with life, sex, money, love and careers while coping with the restrictions that paralyses places on them. Critics call the show a “breath of fresh airs” and a “refreshing change” from vulgar reality shows like “Jersey Shores” and the “Real Housewives” franchise. However, the new spate of handi-focussed shows may not be as discriminating.

“Love is Blind” – Showtime joins the handicapped reality show business with their ground breaking series about a group of former models all struck blind in unrelated incidents as they attempt to launch their own clothing line. From selecting fabric colors, assessing styles and picking runway models to the trials and tribulations of relationships, join the girls as they struggle with both career and love in an industry completely geared toward the sighted.

“No Hands” – The eponymously named program from The Food Network follows the lives of four armless waitresses at New York’s controversial No Hands Café. Serving meals with no arms is a challenge, but nothing compared to the day-to-day trials of friendship, love, family, career and single parenthood that living in The Big Apple brings.

“Iron Ladies” – Fox will really push the boundaries of decency when they launch their own reality show featuring physically challenged. Iron Ladies introduces us to Misty, Scarlet, Amber and Tiffany, four former porn actresses as they try and get back into the adult film business after being confined to iron lungs. Will they be accepted by mainstream pornography or will being in iron lungs limit them to fringe fetish web sites?