Thursday, May 10, 2012

Same-Sex Divorce Foes Escalate

News of the Near Future

Opposition to the White House’s proposal to extend divorce rights to same-sex couples is mounting just as President Alec Baldwin’s re-election campaign gets underway. The social conservatives and religious groups who once fought to block gay marriage across the U.S. have now shifted their focus to a new fight. “We have made peace with the fact that America has embraced homosexuals getting married,” said Texas evangelical minister Gary Monroe, spokesman for the Straight Separation lobby. “Marriage is one thing but divorce is different. It’s a sacred institution. It should be reserved as something between a man and a woman, and their respective attorneys, just as God intended.”

gay marriage wedding
“Why shouldn’t gay Americans have the same right to end an empty shell of a marriage and move on?” asked Lynn Barkley, the Director of the advocacy group Queer Divorce. “A same-sex marriage can be just as loveless, just as hollow and just as unfulfilling as a straight one. We want to have the same ability to start over in a loft apartment, eat take-out food and have supervised visits with our kids the same as anyone else.”

President Baldwin surprised many people when he introduced the Same-Sex Divorce initiative as a key platform in his re-election strategy. No stranger to divorce himself, insiders felt he would stay away from the issue for personal reasons. As well, most political analysts fear the issue will be too polarizing and jeopardize voters in a fight that is predicted to be close. Republican Nominee Bristol Palin has proposed an ‘Equal but Different’ policy, allowing for a legal ‘Break-Up’ without actually calling it Divorce. Palin has been rising in the polls on the heels of her detailed solutions for the current CO2 shortage.

Not everyone sees a downside, however. “Increasing the number of people who can divorce is good for the economy,” commented Amir Sihng, Chair of the Economics Department at Michigan State. “Marriage actually is a stagnant fiscal condition, locking up capital and preventing spending. Divorce is one of the best methods of wealth redistribution. It requires the establishment of two households freeing up money for furnishings, electronics, new clothes and travel for any kids back and forth between parents. Divorce employs whole sections of the labor force from lawyers, counselors, private detectives and social workers to bartenders, plastic surgeons, personal trainers and dating website developers.”

The debate is only expected to heat up as we move to November.


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