Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Facebook Turns To Crime

In a shocking move, Facebook has adopted a strategy of robbing users to cover losses on the stock market. Just a week after the biggest IPO in history, Facebook shares have now dropped below $30. Experts do not expect this fall to abate any time soon as poor earnings and rumors of price manipulation plague Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook Bandits robbers home invasionPerhaps as a means to generate more revenue, Facebook staff have begun monitoring posts and status updates and targeting those users with any references to large amounts of cash, new cars, luxury homes or large volumes of consumer electronics. As an example, an Australian family was robbed at home only hours after pictures of a pile of currency was posted. The money represented the grandmother's life savings and was being counted for deposit. Thankfully the bandits arrived at the home of the Facebook account holder, not the grandmother, so they only made off with a small amount of cash.

Police point to the mis-direction of homes as evidence that only confused Facebook insiders could have been involved. FBI officials suspect the Australian robbery was a test before launching a nationwide crime spree in America. Officials are warning all Facebook users to limit any references to money, purchases or home renovations. As well, they recommend you do not post any vacation photos showing you are away from home for an extended period.

"We suspect Facebook staff will be identifying home invasion locations of anyone shown at a beach, hotel or foreign landmark," an unnamed FBI official told Dogs & Jeans. "To make it look like  you are still home, we recommend having a friend post mundane updates in your absence. Just like you have someone collect the mail and turn on lights in your house, have someone post 'Just off to soccer practice,' or '25% of ground beef at Fred Meyer. Woo hoo!' That should keep you under the radar."

When asked to comment on the allegations of Facebook-backed robberies, a spokesman declined to comment asking only, "Who wants to know? What are you, some kinda wise guy? Why I oughta..."


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