Documents released by the US government show that Osama bin Laden struggled to maintain control over Al Qaeda in the last months of his life. Letters, memos and other writings recovered from his Abbottabad hideout shortly after his killing by Navy SEALs show his concern that various wings of the terror group were moving away from his authority. Bin Laden suggested a variety of employee-friendly policies and methods to maintain his position as leader:
Day Off On Your Birthday – While partying with a birthday with cake and gifts would be too Western, Al Qaeda members would be able to stay home on their birthdays and celebrate with friends, firing automatic weapons in the air and ululating.
Dog Friendly Policy – Where local bylaws permit, those Al Qaeda members who have dogs may be able to bring them to work with them. However, permission can be given only after polling of the all members to determine if there are any allergies. Dogs must be housetrained and no Israeli Canaan dogs are allowed.
Annual Picnic – Let’s put those monkey bars to use for fun! One day a year Al Qaeda members can take a break from terrorism while enjoying some falafel, hummus and dried dates in the great outdoors. Relay-type games are encouraged but not for women! Demolitions experts are encouraged to participate with their own special brand of fireworks.
Stock Options – While Al Qaeda maintains a firm “no pension” policy (due to the fact that all staff eventually commit suicide) members will now be given the opportunity to invest in the organization. Dividends will be paid out quarterly in ammunition of your choice.
Casual Thursday – For those Al Qaeda members working in our corporate facilities, the strict dress code of baggy pants, drab oversized tunic and disheveled turban will be relaxed on the last day of the work week. However, please maintain a “business casual” appearance; no shorts, spaghetti straps or bare midriffs.