Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Facebook Turns To Crime

In a shocking move, Facebook has adopted a strategy of robbing users to cover losses on the stock market. Just a week after the biggest IPO in history, Facebook shares have now dropped below $30. Experts do not expect this fall to abate any time soon as poor earnings and rumors of price manipulation plague Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook Bandits robbers home invasionPerhaps as a means to generate more revenue, Facebook staff have begun monitoring posts and status updates and targeting those users with any references to large amounts of cash, new cars, luxury homes or large volumes of consumer electronics. As an example, an Australian family was robbed at home only hours after pictures of a pile of currency was posted. The money represented the grandmother's life savings and was being counted for deposit. Thankfully the bandits arrived at the home of the Facebook account holder, not the grandmother, so they only made off with a small amount of cash.

Police point to the mis-direction of homes as evidence that only confused Facebook insiders could have been involved. FBI officials suspect the Australian robbery was a test before launching a nationwide crime spree in America. Officials are warning all Facebook users to limit any references to money, purchases or home renovations. As well, they recommend you do not post any vacation photos showing you are away from home for an extended period.

"We suspect Facebook staff will be identifying home invasion locations of anyone shown at a beach, hotel or foreign landmark," an unnamed FBI official told Dogs & Jeans. "To make it look like  you are still home, we recommend having a friend post mundane updates in your absence. Just like you have someone collect the mail and turn on lights in your house, have someone post 'Just off to soccer practice,' or '25% of ground beef at Fred Meyer. Woo hoo!' That should keep you under the radar."

When asked to comment on the allegations of Facebook-backed robberies, a spokesman declined to comment asking only, "Who wants to know? What are you, some kinda wise guy? Why I oughta..."

Monday, May 28, 2012

What to Do on Memorial Day

With the US stork markets closed for Memorial Day, haggard Facebook executives can take a day off from their struggles to re-vitalize investor confidence in their beleaguered company. Many are taking the time to enjoy some of the following events and activities:

    game of thrones sean bean with sword
  • Writing "Game of Thrones" fan fiction
  • Choosing between seeing "Men in Black III" or a repeat viewing of "The Avengers"
  • Bathing
  • Preparing snacks for tonight’s exciting episode of "The Bachelorette".
  • A nap
  • Catching up on cyclist Ryder Hesjedal’s Giro d’Italia victory (for Canadian Facebook staff)
  • Starting to train for the UFC
  • Sending "Sex & the City’s" Cynthia Nixon a wedding gift (no more shoes please)
  • Game of Thrones Daenerys Targaryen sexy
  • Tanning
  • Updating their Match.com profile to ensure they are paired with Game of Thrones' Daenerys Targaryen
  • Watching old videos of Al Stewart on YouTube


Friday, May 25, 2012

Facebook Losing Money?

After one week of trading Facebook stock continues to drop. Since the initial bump of $40 dollars, Share prices have continued to slide below its IPO value of $38 (as of this writing the share price has dipped below $32).

As expected, this has affected the Facebook company significantly. From the highs of the IPO launch euphoria, drastic changes have been happening to handle the much lower than expected revenue. Dogs & Jeans has seen the signs:

• Employee theme party “We’re Millionaires!” has been downgraded to “We’re Really, Really Rich!”
man wearing barrel and suspenders

• Zuckerberg has abandoned his traditional hoodie for a barrel and suspenders

• Current Facebook promotion: Click this add or we kill this puppy!

• Every stock purchase comes with $100 voucher for Groupon

• Employee parking spaces have been rented out to Sunglasses Hut, Virgin Mobile kiosks, Cinnibon stands and Inkjet refill services.

• The Winkle Voss twins have been driving past Facebook HQ in a fan bearing the slogan “Suck It!”

• Even Curt Schilling turned down an offer to head up their new business division

• Construction has been halted on the Olympic-sized employee ball pit

• Every second computer monitor’s screen saver has been replaced with a scrolling ‘YOU”RE FIRED!” message.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Rejected Anchorman 2 Titles

anchorman 2 movie posterThe Internet is abuzz with a teaser trailer for the second Anchorman movie “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues”. The long awaited sequel has been in consideration for nearly eight years despite the enormous success of the first movie “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”. Much of the delay was due to the writers’ inability to come up with a suitable title. Many wastebaskets were filled with legal notepad sheets bearing some of these discarded titles:

  • Anchorman 2: The Search for Classy
  • The Unbearable Lightness of Burgundy
  • Robo-Anchorman
  • The Chanel 4 News Team Meets the Phantom
  • Brokeback Anchormen
  • Anchorman 2: Baxter Saves the Day Again
  • The Tower Treasure: A Ron Burgundy Mystery
  • Tehran! The Musical
  • Ron versus the San Diego Chargers
  • Anchorman 2: Burgundy’s List

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Who’s Suing Facebook?

After the topsy-turvy Facebook IPO and its subsequent price fluctuations, new allegations of financial fraud behind earnings statements are rocking Wall Street. Several investors are suing Facebook COE Mark Zuckerberg and the underwriters for “withholding negative information” which may have affected the actual stock value.

dogs jeans creack financial gurus animal house cast
As with most lawsuits, others are jumping on the bandwagon and adding their own claims. Some may be legitimate, others more frivolous. Dogs & Jeans Crack Financial Gurus have had their ears to the ground since Monday and have compiled a list of other damages being filed against Facebook:

  • Delays to the start of trading on Friday were not technical but a ruse by Facebook to drive up the demand.

  • Delays to the start of trading caused several missed hair appointments and resulted in at least one unplanned home-birth.

  • Failure to acknowledge the placement of orders caused investors to miss out on possible profit gains which could have been used to purchase more expansion packs of Angry Birds.

  • Heavy “Liking” for the IPO drained resources from Facebook to the point that up to 1/3 of all livestock on Farmville was wiped out.

  • Confusion over placing orders was created when Facebook HQ posted that every share purchased was also considered as one vote for American Idol contestant Jessica Sanchez.

  • Moms who keep clicking on ads to find out how another mom in their town can make $3755/week and also look 27 when she is 54, claim they now suffer from debilitating carpel tunnel syndrome.

  • Despite claims to the contrary, adding every girl from your high school grad class to your Friends List has not resulted in the fulfilment of one single unrequited love affair. Ever!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Secret American Idol Prizes

Tonight marks the Final Performances for the last two American Idol contestants before fans flood the phone lines and Internet with their votes. Big voiced and tiny bodiejessica sanchez philip phillips american idold 16 year old Jessica Sanchez and 20 year old Dave Matthews/Joe Cocker/Bob Seager musician Philip Phillips will battle it out one more time for the chance to be crowned the next American Idol.

Winning American Idol can launch a performer’s career with an Interscope recording contract, a national tour and money. However, there several rewards included with the honor that often go unreported. Check out some other prizes that will go to the victor of Season 11:

  • 100 shares in Facebook (sell now before it’s too late!)
  • Free legal advice from Gloria Allred
  • A makeover courtesy of the Kardashian sisters
  • $100 coupon for Google Adwords
  • Removal if any brain tapeworms found to be affecting their wardrobe choices
    ron burgundy anchorman
  • A cameo in the upcoming Anchorman 2 film
  • An unlimited month of tanning for anyone under 10 at any fine New Jersey tanning salons
  • Tickets to Game 3 of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals (but only if Phoenix is playing)
May 24 Update: Philip won!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Sell Them On Facebook

Facebook’s IPO was the largest in history for a tech company. However, investment experts have been critical of the $38/share valuation. While Facebook does generate revenue for its “click-through” advertising and paid games, its cash flow does not justify the $100 billion stock offering. In order for Facebook to truly become a company that can warrant such market prominence, it has to begin to produce and/or sell products. But what?

Amazon has books, music and films. eBay offers remaindered and liquidated products before they end up in a garage sale. Craigslist resells stuff purchased from garage sales and PlentyofFish redistributes broken hearts. It looks like there is only one more niche available for Facebook: Human trafficking.

Actually the idea is not all that far-fetched. Everyone has twice as many people as friends that they really need, or even know. Why not sell off unwanted Facebook friends? It’s easier that trying to figure out the “un-friend” process. Plus it could be a real consequence of Mob Wars. Losing players find themselves on a container ship to Thailand or Saudi Arabia.

People who participate in Farmville could take their livestock to market along with three high school acquaintances, two former co-worker and some guy you once met at a party whose friend request you accepted by accident.

Do you have a friend you won’t stop tweeting their activities? “At yoga. Bendy!” “At Wal-Mart. Savings!” “On toilet. Nothing doing!” Facebook’s new mobile slave-trade app will allow you to triangulate their location and put them up for a flash auction. GPS collectors will whisk these nagging chatterboxes off to their new lives where their statuses never need updating.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Facebook Has Changed

For several months, observers have notices subtle changes in the working environment at Facebook that suggest staff were expecting a huge financial windfall. With the announcement that the Facebook IPO is will generate $106 billion in revenue, high tech experts have confirmed that the employee benefits had indeed improved as a reflection of that huge cash influx. However, investment experts are cautioning anyone considering a purchase of Facebook stock.

These early budgetary expenses at the social media giant may only be signs of more out of control spending to come:

  • Mark Zuckerberg started sporting a monocle.
  • Wearing socks with sandals is still against the dress code unless the socks are gold lamé.
  • Free coffee in the lunch room now in a choice of hazelnut and Irish cream.
  • Road trip per diem now covers hooker expenses.
  • The date May 18 appears on "Timeline" as a old timey moneybag icon.
  • Employee iPad’s now come preloaded with the full premium version of Angry Birds.
  • Family members’ Facebook accounts are now free of advertising
  • Worked for Facebook for five years? Get a silver goblet! Everyone likes silver goblets!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Can't A Brother Get A Reality TV Break?

ABC Television has bowed to public pressure and increased its diversity. In a recent lawsuit, the network has been accused of discrimination in its selection of contestants on its popular Bachelor/Bachelorette series. Claims that the producers of the dating reality show have violated civil rights laws could certainly be alleged when one considers the absolute lack of people of color over the past 14 seasons of the show.

In a surprising move, last night’s first episode of the new episode featured a black suitor for Bachelorette Emily Maynard. The attractive blonde enjoyed a brief conversation with handsome Lerone Anu and seemed to appreciate his compliments about her strength as a single mom before dismissing him with a handful of other crushed men.

bachelorette emily maynard season 15
“We were thrilled we could give an opportunity to be publicly humiliated to a member of the African American community,” said ABC spokesman Skip Donovan. “Lerone played his part with great dignity and really added a sense or gritty, urban machismo. Now that these racist accusations can be put behind us, we can get back to the serious business of creating petty drama where none exists.”

ABC is rumored to be considering including a bachelorette in Season 16 who is half-Asian or according to Donovan “maybe some kind of Spanish.”

Monday, May 14, 2012

Best Baby Names?

Ina shocking move, a mid-year amendment to the Top Baby Names has been released. While the list normally comes out in December, there has been some movement in christening circles that has pushed Jacob and Sophia to the top. Michael has continued it's steady decline, a trend lamented by Dogs & Jeans last year.

While there has been some movement in the Top Ten, such as Mason and Chloe, the Bottom Ten names have remained unchanged for both boys and girls:
    baby name
  • Osama (and it's variant Usama)
  • Stinky
  • Hitler
  • Trampy
  • Necrotizing Fasciitis
  • Ke$ha
  • Kick-Me
  • Mommy's Little Mistake
  • Maude
  • Stanley

Friday, May 11, 2012

What's For Supper?

Last night a Jerry Katzenberg, the DreamWorks CEO, hosted a $40K per plate fundraiser for President Obama. The dinner gala was attended by such Hollywood luminaries as George Clooney, Salma Hayek, Robert Downey Jr. and Barbara Streisand and raised as much as $15 million for the his re-election campaign. Political “gold plate” dinners are typical for providing a simple dinner for an exorbitant amount.

All attendees knew the event was just an excuse for donating cash, but Hollywood types usually expect a little more for their money. As expected, there were enough special “extras” last night that diners weren’t disappointed:

  • Unlimited refills of iced tea.
  • George Clooney let each person gaze deeply into his limpid blue eyes for a full two minutes.
  • During hors d’oeuvres, there was a sneak peak at Sunday’s ‘Desperate Housewives’ finale.
  • As punishment for his horrible dance scene in Spiderman 3, patrons were permitted to punch Toby McGuire in the face.
  • time breast feeding mom
  • Coffee cream was supplied directly from Time Magazine’s Breast-Feeding Mom.
  • A surprise appearance by all of  The Avengers (except Hawkeye, as if anyone cared)
  • Extra spicy horse radish sauce for the prime rib.
  • Attendees got to meet “The Mom from Your City Who is 57 but looks 27! Click Here To Find Out How!” (Note: Don't click)
  • A confused Lindsey Lohan sang “Happy Birthday" to the President.
  • The President was forced to listen and smile as each jokester told him: "I’m in a same-sex marriage. My wife and I have been having the same sex for 30 years! Ba-dum-cha!"
  • Seconds of butterscotch pudding.
  • Free shoe shines from VP Joe Biden.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Same-Sex Divorce Foes Escalate

News of the Near Future

Opposition to the White House’s proposal to extend divorce rights to same-sex couples is mounting just as President Alec Baldwin’s re-election campaign gets underway. The social conservatives and religious groups who once fought to block gay marriage across the U.S. have now shifted their focus to a new fight. “We have made peace with the fact that America has embraced homosexuals getting married,” said Texas evangelical minister Gary Monroe, spokesman for the Straight Separation lobby. “Marriage is one thing but divorce is different. It’s a sacred institution. It should be reserved as something between a man and a woman, and their respective attorneys, just as God intended.”

gay marriage wedding
“Why shouldn’t gay Americans have the same right to end an empty shell of a marriage and move on?” asked Lynn Barkley, the Director of the advocacy group Queer Divorce. “A same-sex marriage can be just as loveless, just as hollow and just as unfulfilling as a straight one. We want to have the same ability to start over in a loft apartment, eat take-out food and have supervised visits with our kids the same as anyone else.”

President Baldwin surprised many people when he introduced the Same-Sex Divorce initiative as a key platform in his re-election strategy. No stranger to divorce himself, insiders felt he would stay away from the issue for personal reasons. As well, most political analysts fear the issue will be too polarizing and jeopardize voters in a fight that is predicted to be close. Republican Nominee Bristol Palin has proposed an ‘Equal but Different’ policy, allowing for a legal ‘Break-Up’ without actually calling it Divorce. Palin has been rising in the polls on the heels of her detailed solutions for the current CO2 shortage.

Not everyone sees a downside, however. “Increasing the number of people who can divorce is good for the economy,” commented Amir Sihng, Chair of the Economics Department at Michigan State. “Marriage actually is a stagnant fiscal condition, locking up capital and preventing spending. Divorce is one of the best methods of wealth redistribution. It requires the establishment of two households freeing up money for furnishings, electronics, new clothes and travel for any kids back and forth between parents. Divorce employs whole sections of the labor force from lawyers, counselors, private detectives and social workers to bartenders, plastic surgeons, personal trainers and dating website developers.”

The debate is only expected to heat up as we move to November.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bad Mother's Day Gifts

With only days until Mother's Day, the pressure is now fully on. However, even the most devoted son or daughter is apt to slip up and purchase a terrible gift in their haste. Actually sons are more likely that daughters to screw up, but we try not to exhibit a huge gender bias at Dogs & Jeans (despite the occasional picture of a scantily clad woman in the margins).

We all know the standard "Don'ts" for gifts:

  • Don't give appliances or anything else with a plug
  • Don't give exercise or diet related gifts
  • Don't give her something clearly intended for you (like a six pack or ticekts to an MMA event)

That still leaves a fair amount of grey area for men most of who, let's face it, would rather attend a prostate exam than go shopping for presents. As part of our ongoing public service, it's time to list some Very Bad Gifts for Mom. Cacti: Unless Mom is an actual cactus collector, don't give arid, spiny desert plants. Even if she loves plants and spends her spare time watering the azaleas, a cactus is just wrong. It's like giving a book about cricket to a baseball player who can't read.

A subscription to The Watchtower: Even the most devout Jehovah's Witness Mom is looking for something a little more personal on Mother's Day.
bad mom drinking

Photographic evidence proving what a bad mom she was: You survived right? Just let it go Junior.

A bathroom scale: Seriously, I have heard of this. No matter how many digital bells and whistles this futuristic weighing device has, it's still a scale to remind her she's fat (even if she is rail thin).

Toiletries not in an expensive gift set: If she loves name brand, designer fragrance and bath sets, by all means give away. However, don't put a bunch of soaps and lotions from the dollar store in a bag and expect a reward. And for God's sake, don't give her the complimentary shampoo and soaps from your stays at the Howard Johnson's.

Her name tattooed any place on you: It's not really something she can use herself is it? Plus she doesn't want to see her beautiful baby boy scarred in any way. Refrain from drugging her and having your name tattooed on her.

Horemone replacement therapy: Unless you are a doctor. What a proud mother.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

UN Serious On Syria

UN motto slogans
The United Nations will no longer sit idly by and watch the violence escalate in Syria. During the past 14 months, over 9000 people have died in government sanctioned actions against protesters. In it's boldest move yet, the UN has now labeled the situation "Unacceptable". This is step up from the UN's previous status of "Worsening".

While the new Crisis Condition comes with no actual sanctions, involvement or actions to protect civilians, it is the most daring the UN has been since it raised the risk level to "Intolerable" during the 1994 Rwandan genocide. Syrian officials have yet to respond although Middle East experts predict no change will occur until the UN defines the situation as "Unforgivable".

"From there it's just one step to 'Horrific' which is very serious," said Arman Begosian, a professor of Arab Studies at Georgetown University. "At the status of 'Horrific' neighboring countries really start to take notice of what's going on, and may even have their representatives ask questions like 'So, what's going on?', 'Are things as bad as they sound?' and 'This isn't going to cause trouble for us is it?' "

President Obama is reported to be requesting a meeting with UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon to try and avert the crisis expected should the UN raise the threat level to the highest level: "Somebody Should Really Do Something!"

Monday, May 7, 2012

Secret Service Sensitivity Training

The fallout continues in the wake of the Secret Service prostitution scandal. After the termination of 18 agents for dereliction of duty after they paid for sex while on the job in Colombia, more criticism of the agents and the agency itself is emerging. One of the escorts at the heart of the controversy has now publicly condemned the men as “stupid brutes” after they agreed to pay her for her services only to renege in the morning. However, in light of the type of material previously provided to agents, their behavior is not all that shocking.

sensitivity training seminar
The Secret Service is moving swiftly to limit the damage her interview has caused by launching mandatory sensitivity training for all agents before they embark on foreign duty. Dogs & Jeans has obtained some of the highlights from the training material.

  • If you and your hooker settle on a price for sex, you are obligated to pay the full amount.

  • Performing extras, such as role playing, bondage or human bathmats (that thing where midgets have dreadlocks and the lay face down on the linoleum) is up to the discretion of the lady.

  • If you discover your escort is not a genetic female, you are not permitted to physically assault them, not matter how big their junk reveals itself to be.

  • Consuming a meal together is not necessary, however, dining together does show respect. Consuming a meal off the stomach or lower back of your escort is not discouraged but will likely cost you extra.

  • It is perfectly acceptable for you to barter for a discount when including more than one woman in your activities, but you probably won’t be able to negotiate a 2-for-1 deal. Twins will probably cost more than double.

  • Keeping your socks on is permissible in Latin America, but keeping your shoulder holster on is considered “bad form".

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Bin Laden's HR Rework

Documents released by the US government show that Osama bin Laden struggled to maintain control over Al Qaeda in the last months of his life. Letters, memos and other writings recovered from his Abbottabad hideout shortly after his killing by Navy SEALs show his concern that various wings of the terror group were moving away from his authority. Bin Laden suggested a variety of employee-friendly policies and methods to maintain his position as leader:

Day Off On Your Birthday – While partying with a birthday with cake and gifts would be too Western, Al Qaeda members would be able to stay home on their birthdays and celebrate with friends, firing automatic weapons in the air and ululating.

Dog Friendly Policy – Where local bylaws permit, those Al Qaeda members who have dogs may be able to bring them to work with them. However, permission can be given only after polling of the all members to determine if there are any allergies. Dogs must be housetrained and no Israeli Canaan dogs are allowed.

Annual Picnic – Let’s put those monkey bars to use for fun! One day a year Al Qaeda members can take a break from terrorism while enjoying some falafel, hummus and dried dates in the great outdoors. Relay-type games are encouraged but not for women! Demolitions experts are encouraged to participate with their own special brand of fireworks.

Stock Options – While Al Qaeda maintains a firm “no pension” policy (due to the fact that all staff eventually commit suicide) members will now be given the opportunity to invest in the organization. Dividends will be paid out quarterly in ammunition of your choice.

Casual Thursday – For those Al Qaeda members working in our corporate facilities, the strict dress code of baggy pants, drab oversized tunic and disheveled turban will be relaxed on the last day of the work week. However, please maintain a “business casual” appearance; no shorts, spaghetti straps or bare midriffs.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Newt's Thoughts

political consultants forest rangers mountie lumberjackNewt Gingrich officially announced the end of his campaign for the Republican Party’s nomination on Wednesday. By dropping out and giving his support to Mitt Romney, the former Speaker of the House essentially established the beginning if the actual race for the White House.

Much to Gingrich’s credit, he agreed to have Dogs & Jeans’ Crack Political Consultants hook him up to a brain scanner during the press conference. With this patented technology, we were able to read the thoughts going through his mind as he gave his resignation speech:

  • “I wonder if I can get one of those reality TV shows like Sarah Palin?”
tanning mom fake

  • “In hindsight, Rick Perry looks like the smart one for packing it in months ago.”

  • “If only I could’ve tapped into some of that Philip Philips support!”

  • “Is there enough time left to get back into training for the Team Dressage event at the London 2012 Games?”

    Twitter Pic Paulina Gretzky
  • “The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday? I’m going to treat myself to a new hat!”

  • “And I was going to pick David Barton as my running mate too!”

  • “What would Jessica Simpson like for a baby gift?”

    Butterscotch Pudding
  • “Mmm… pudding…”

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mel's Passion Revistied

Hearing Mel Gibson's latest rant prompted me to go back and watch “The Passion of the Christ” again. Considering all the public issues Mel has had over the past few years, I was able to watch the film in a new light. I’m not sure why I didn’t notice it before, but there were several things that suggest it’s historically inaccurate:

  • The sub-plot of Jesus and the apostles traveling behind enemy lines killing Nazis.
  • The Apostles’ Creed is: "There’s only one rule about being an apostle. Nobody talks about being an apostle.”
  • The part where they escape from the dinosaur clones.
  • Jesus’ sermon about greed being “good”.
  • The inclusion of a 13th apostle with autism.
  • On the way to Jerusalem, Jesus and his friend Sam have to destroy a gold ring by dropping it in a lake of fire. 
  • Jesus having his skeletal structure being infused with adamantium.
  • The part where Pontius Pilate leads a math class for underprivileged but intellectually gifted teens. 
  • Jesus’ slow-motion single handed fight with 200 Roman centurions. 
  • The fantasy/dream sequence where Jesus imagines Mary Magdalene on a blanket of rose petals.
  • The part where the elders in the Sanhedrin tie Jesus down to a table and try to cut him in half with a laser. 
  • When the Blessed Virgin beheads Pilate's wife with her Samurai sword.
  • The Russian roulette scene during the last supper.
  • The scene with Jesus and his friend Seth's unsuccessful attempt to bring alcohol to a party to impress some girls. 
  • Jesus' unsuccessful attempt to defuse the nuclear bomb hidden inside his cross. 
  • Judas is revealed as being a robot from the future.