Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Where's My Money Facebook?

On the heels of today's announcement that Facebook is buying Instagram for $1 billion (with a "B"), Dogs and Jeans is re-offering some prototypes from it's Application Development Division. And by "prototype" we mean some notes jotted down on various bar napkins.

Over the past three years, we have dabbled unsuccessfully in the lucrative world of iPhone apps, Internet technology and lawsuits. Unfortunately those efforts have always stalled due to a lack of either capital funding, computer skills or legal training (or any combination of the three). Sadly, Apple, Microsoft and Google have failed to realize the massive potential that some of the following "killer" ideas have, so now they are available to Facebook for a small fee. Operators are standing by Mark Zuckerberg to take your order for:
No Regrets! Tattoo Removal Software: Upload a picture of yourself and use the pointer to erase any body art. See how good you would have looked if you hadn't gotten drunk and inked yourself at Panama Beach your sophomore year. Upgrade to No Regrets Plus! and smooth the damage done by body piercing and close gaping holes from earlobe stretchers.

Splooge: Are you too busy at work, often doing more than two things at once? Splooge can reduce the chaos by allowing you to open and work in more than one Windows application at once. Word and Excel? No problem? MSAccess and PowerPoint? Easy. NetMeeting and surfing for porn in your underpants? Only where prohibited by law and your company's open cubicle policies.

iVegan:  Once you have loaded this app onto your mobile device you can stay slim and make a scene all at the same time! Upon entry into Mickey D's, KFC, Burger King etc., the voice of Charlize Theron screams "Meat is Murder! Meat is Murder!" until you leave the restaurant.

Glimnik: Tired of avoiding telemarketers? The problem with most 1-800 blocking systems is they confirm that your phone number is valid, so the companies just keep calling in hopes of finally getting someone who will answer. The Glimnik tool will recognize an incoming 1-800 number and randomly re-route it to a completely different telephone number. After several different attempts all result in connections to different, unrelated households, your number will be removed from the software. Good for avoiding in-laws too.

Stalk Much?: This fun little app randomly selects a new celebrity daily and sends them text messages on your behalf declaring your undying love, how you two are soul mates destined to be together and that if you can't have them no one will. Application is disabled once the Restraining Order is activated.

Phlormp: Is being overweight, out of shape and ashamed of your appearance keeping you from jumping on the Facebook bandwagon? The just let Phlomrp at your profile pictures. A simple "enhancement" application will trim the fat from your face and pounds from your paunch so you can proudly post that profile pic!

Goodbye Cruel World: Plan your own funeral as GCW searches the Internet for the best deals on funeral plots, mourners, cremation services and even discount (or second-hand) coffins.

Creedonk: If you Twitter, and are tired of reading pointless tweets so mundane, not even the Twit's mother (is she a Twatter?) would care? Launch Creedonk and let the catalogue of criticisms such as "Who Cares?", "Get a Life!" and "Close the bathroom door Jerk!" train the Twits to tweet with something worth reading.

Act now Facebook or I might offer the whole store to the Winklevoss Twins!


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