Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Federal Hooker Smuggling?

The Secret Service is reeling from the revelation that agents and members brought 21 Colombian prostitutes to their hotel while on duty at an international summit. The public outrage at this inexcusable behavior while “on the job” will only increase once the following internal Secret Service pamphlet is released to the press. From the same people who brought you "National Have Your Lawyer Take A Stripper To A Cemetary Day", Dogs & Jeans presents:



“How To Sneak a Hooker To Your Room”


Congratulations on being selected for a foreign duty. During this assignment you will see many exotic locations, famous landmarks and experience all the wondrous food, music and cultural aspects of another land. Plus you can get laid!


Meeting prostitutes in other countries is often easy; poverty ensures they are inexpensive and plentiful. But finding an opportunity to be alone together can prove difficult, especially if you are on a Presidential detail. With some creativity, you can use your off-hours time in your hotel room for a little one-on-one. “But how can I sneak a girl past all the security?” you may ask. It’s a good question but with a little planning and ingenuity you can make it happen!


  • Disguises: If Saturday morning cartoons have taught us anything, it’s that a simple disguise can allow you to get anyone past a self-important doorman, busybody concierge or nosy bellhop. A simple overcoat and fake moustache gave Scooby-Doo access to all manner of facilities normally off limits to dogs, talking or otherwise. Using floppy hats, oversized glasses, maintenance coveralls, lab coat, Little League baseball uniforms and other handy apparel, you can dress your young lady-friend up so that no one will interrogation you for bringing your aged grand-mother, physician or rosy cheeked nephew up to your hotel room for a late night rendezvous.


  • Diversions: Like the best magicians, creating some excitement in one location can provide the misdirection needed for the sort of hocus-pocus that leads to some hanky-panky! A well timed kitchen fire, bomb scare or moped crash in the hotel lobby can cause such a panic, you can steal your hooker up through the back stairwell in the ensuing commotion.


  • The Trojan Horse: Hotels come well equipped with apparatus (housekeeping carts, laundry bags, luggage dollies etc.) that can be serve more than one use. Turn room service into “full” service by having your prostitute come up hidden on the cart. With some imagination, you may even squeeze two or three girls on the bottom rack.


  • Ponzi Scheme: Not really applicable to this situation. See the pamphlet entitled ‘Retirement Planning’.


  • Bridal Shower: For several days leading up to your intended tryst, you can post notices in the hotel lobby advertising the bridal shower to be thrown in your room. In this way, no eyebrows will be raised when inebriated women engaged in questionable behavior appear in the elevators and vestibules. The one stipulation to the Bridal Shower ruse is that fir it to be believable, you require a minimum of five girls. Of course the benefit to the Bridal Shower ruse is you get to have at least five girls back in your hotel room!

So enjoy your time on your foreign assignment but stay healthy. Remember the first rule of safe sex is to put your gun in the nightstand drawer before taking your pants off.


Olé!

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