The further ahead Mitt Romney pulls in the race to acquire delegates, the less interest the public has in the remaining GOP primaries. Republican leaders in Louisiana fear the primary vote on Saturday will receive such low turnout they have decided to change the rules to make it more exciting. With the premier of the much-anticipated film “The Hunger Games” this weekend and the ongoing excitement of March Madness basketball, organizers are adopting a similar method of candidate selection as that depicted in the movie and the NCAA tournament.
Each of Louisiana’s eight electoral districts will choose a boy or girl from a random selection of 15 to 17 year olds. These kids will compete in a televised fight to the death in their own district before moving on to face the other regional winners in the Louisiana Primary Final Four. This semi-final match will feature a variety of weapon choices (bow and arrow, baseball bats and commemorative volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica) and hunting environs. The championship match will be held in a UFC-style hand-to-hand fight-to-the-finish in an octagon. The parents of the victorious combatant will then be rewarded with the honor of naming the state’s choice for Republican nominee (and all 20 delegates), plus a year’s supply of Castrol Motor Oil and a 25% off coupon to Golden Coral.
“Louisiana is a perfect state to host such a primary contest,” said local Republican Party president Charlie Sullivan. “Just like the world of Panem, we are a dystopian society fraught with inequality where social order is held together by fear and misinformation. Plus there’s lots of backwoods most of which are already filled with hunting blinds and tree stands. The real challenge will be trying to restrict the hunt to just those kids picked. Everyone will want in on the fun!”
Officials with the Louisiana school districts will be watching the contests with interest to see if such a format could be adopted to enhance high school standardized testing without actually improving teaching methods.