Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Government Permits Killin' Stuff

A recent decision to allow a Native American tribe in Wyoming to kill two bald eagles for religious purposes has opened the floodgate to a number of quasi-religious hunting requests from other groups. The normal process of extracting feathers and other body parts from repository carcases are not sufficient for the Arapoho tribe and have set a precedent for other organizations intent on slaying something precious to satisfy their superstitions:

• Irish American group The Emerald Society has organized a hunt in New York’s Central Park this St. Partick’s Day for the evil leprechaun from the movie Leprechaun.

• Fans of Beverly Hills 90210 known as ‘Peach Pitters’ have dedicated themselves to tracking down and skinning Peter Fascinelli who recently separated from Jennie Garth (aka Kelly Taylor). They may be aided by a splinter group of Twilight Moms also interested in possessing a piece of Fascinelli who plays vampire leader Carlisle Cullen.

• The Oregon Bears, a group that advances the love between big, hairy men, want to kill an actual bear to replace the Teddy Ruxpin doll they have at meetings.

• A group of successful former child stars led by Mayim Bialik, Alisan Porter and Kurt Russel have grown weary of the antics their screw-up counterparts and have issued a bounty on Lindsey Lohan (or at least take away her driver’s licence).

• The Tea Party has been tossing around the idea of pushing random Democrats out into traffic but felt that might send the wrong message.


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