Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Gifts To Avoid

Happy Valentine’s Day. Help is at hand for all the readers (and I should qualify that as saying ‘male readers’) who are now saying: “Valentine’s is today!?! Goddammit!” It’s not too late to get your sweetheart a lovely gift and avoid the dog house. However, if The Dog House is your local pub/stripper bar, you may be eager to accept your romantic punishment.



Be aware that last minute gift giving, while an adrenaline rush, is fraught with danger. The wrong gift can ofter be worse than no gift at all. Remember how well the wiper blades and batteries were received at Christmas? Exactly.

For the security of your relationship, the following should be avoided like a Syrian anti-government rally:


  • Anything with the term “Ab” in it – Unless she is fitness professional, the gift of Ab-Rollers, Ab-Circlers, Ab-Rippers, Ab-Threshers or Ab-Manipulators of any type are only good for guaranteeing you will spend the next few weeks Ab-solutely Ab-andoned.


  • Lottery tickets – The payoff from the Powerball may be over $300 million, but since the odds of winning rival those of Nicholas Cage winning an award for subtlety, your true love will only remember the year you gave her a handful of garbage.

  • A donation to a political party in her name – Making donations on behalf of someone else is the latest rage in gift giving for the socially conscious. However the organizations must be “feel good” ones like the SPCA, Save The Children, The World Wildlife Fund, SmileTrain etc. Even the most hardened backroom political organizer will see nothing romantic in giving $100 to the party, no matter how attractive the tax incentive is. What do you get for the local caucus Chairwoman of the Republican Party who has everything? How about another one of the things she already has but in a different color.


  • A dating website membership – You wouldn’t think a person would need to be told this explicitly, but then you wouldn't think hair dryers should have to bear a label warning you to not use them in the shower. Internet Dating Greeting Cards, however, are always in vogue.


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  • Sea lion repellent – Don’t be fooled by all the slick advertising trying to frighten you about the dangers of sea lion attacks. The big repellent manufacturers want you to be scared. You are no more likely to be attacked by a sea lion than… Shakira was just attacked by a sea lion? I stand corrected. If you truly love your lady, get her some sea lion repellent.

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