Monday, February 13, 2012

Obama's Budget Suprises

President Obama has revealed the government's latest budget today. The plan, which critics are calling his "Election Campaign Spending"budget, contains a combination of spending cuts and tax increases designed to address the current economic crisis.

However, careful examination of the plan reveals several curious financial decisions which have baffled leading economists:
  • A temporary suspension of sales tax for all teddies, night gowns, baby dolls and other styles of skimpy lingerie during the two weeks leading up to, and including, Valentine's Day.

  • An additional $4 million to be used for NFL first round draft picks but only for the Chicago Bears. Preference will be given to players from the SEC (except Vanderbilt. Duh!)

  • Millions of dollars towards the purchase of Powerball lottery tickets (void where prohibited). If all goes as planned, next year's budget will include a new car for everyone! Suck on that Oprah.

  • The IRS will launch a targeted series of aggressive audits on all Americans named Mitt, Newt or any combination such as Nitt, Mewt, Mnetiwt etc.

  • Fines of up to $1 million on any normally hot celebrity who appears at an awards show dressed like "Queen of the Smurfs". An additional $500K to be levied for "unnecessary cleavage coverage".

  • Oil company funding credits for exploratory drilling for fuel resources in hot tubs, spas, grottoes or any other location where contestants of "The Bachelor " gather for cat fights.

  • A 1/5th reduction for all federal departments' operating costs combined with promoting "Work Outside Day" one day per week.

  • $5 million for research into time travel for anyone who can help him go back and "un-see" Two Girls, One Cup. Alternative research may include, but is not limited to: memory scrapes, selective amnesia induction or some type of probe that will make it all seem like 'just a bad dream'.

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