Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Get The Message?

Wireless service providers say they are coming to the maximum of their capacity. With the exponential boom in cellular and tablet devices, the FCC says the airwaves are growing too full of voice, text and internet traffic to handle much more. This “spectrum crunch”, as the industry calls it, cannot be resolved simply by erecting more transmission towers either. Until an alternate technology for carrying wireless messages is developed, the major service providers Verizon, Cisco, Sprint, AT & T and T-Mobile are proposing a multi-phase program to coordinate a reduced demand on the current available bandwidth.

Phase 1: Beginning in June 2012, all text messages sent to receivers within the limits of major cities will be passed through a gossip network of retired ladies. Messages will be delivered by courier first thing in the morning and will be routed throughout the day at various coffee meetings, knitting circles and majong games. Shouting across the alley between buildings will also be utilized but only while in the act of hanging out laundry and accompanied by expressions such as “Can you believe she’d say that?” and “Tell me something I don’t know!”

Phase 2: Cross-country semaphore service for text messaging will be initiated in late 2012. Using platforms spaced at 2 mile intervals, “flag-people” will be capable of sending messages a distance of 100 miles in just under one hour. Carriers expect to hire over 1000 new workers per state with this initiative, making this the largest employment program since Roosevelt’s New Deal.

Phase 3: Early in 2013 Wikipedia will be removed from the Internet and be available only through a "Request for Information" service. People interested in querying Wikipedia will submit a request in writing to the Wikipedia America head office in Scottsdale, Arizona. Within 5 business days, the corresponding pages will be mailed back. Updates to pages will also be made in the same manner, with new information being compiled and available to users within one month of submission.

Phase 4: Twitter updates will be restricted to airplane banners by sprint 2013. Tweets will be dragged behind small engine planes over the city where the message is relevant. Banner tweeting will remain in place until America’s telegraph wires that were removed 20 years ago can be re-laid. Then normal (although slightly altered) tweeting can resume. For example:

“party at brittneys stop five buck solo cups stop”

“brandon is a pig stop he wont stop stop”


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