Wednesday, January 25, 2012

What's In It For Me Obama?

Many people listening to the bold statements made in President Obama’s State of the Union address last night were wondering:

“What’s In It For Me, Obama?”

It’s all well and good to make a bunch of promises about “moving forward together” and “reviving the American Dream”, but how will the President’s specific initiatives affect the average citizen? Dogs & Jeans is here to explain it to you.

Proposal: The creation of a China task force to monitor trade violations. Aggressive inspections will intercept "counterfeit or unsafe goods" from foreign countries.

  • Impact: Three years from now, we will all be talking about the multiple Oscar nominations for Paul Haggis’ film “China Task Force” staring Ryan Gosling as Michelle Monaghan as inspectors who run afoul of the Chinese government and an unscrupulous US bureaucrat.

Proposal: Support for partnerships between companies and community colleges to train workers for new careers, all coordinated through a single government program.

  • Impact: When you are asked ‘Do you want fries with that?” you can be assured that employee has received the best possible education McDonalds can fund.

Proposal: State laws that require students to stay in school until graduation or age 18.

  • Impact: You know how effective schools are at enforcing existing rules about drug use and weapons possession? Exactly.

Proposal: Beefed-up border protection, combined with a law to create a path for undocumented immigrant students to become legal U.S. citizens.

  • Impact: While illegal immigrants from Mexico and South East Asia will continue to arrive in America, we will now be safe from vacationing Canadians.

Proposal: Opening of offshore gas and oil fields to exploration and production.

  • Impact: Increased profits for U.S spill containment and clean up companies.

Proposal: Implementation of cost-saving reforms to Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security.

  • Impact: The sick and elderly will be freed of their life’s aliments in a quasi-religious ceremony known as Carousel

Proposal: Continuing international pressure on Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program.

  • Impact: Iranian reprisals on the U.S. such as banning citizens from vacationing at Iranian ski resorts, restricting the ownership of Tehran real estate and an export embargo of all Iranian produced motion pictures.


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