Gingrich Takes The Edge Off

After his big win in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich is inching closer to the Republican nomination. However, his campaign strategists fear his appeal may be too restricted to hard-line conservative. For Newt to win the nomination without causing rifts within the party (that will hurt him in the Presidential election) he must broaden his appeal. Voters can expect the former Speaker of the House to take a more centrist position on some issues designed to gain the support of both liberals and the undecided.


Dogs & Jeans has obtained an advance copy of the new platform:

BIRTHDAYS
Yes, the Democrats have a head start on "loot-bag" politics, but the Republican party has determined birthdays are fun and will fully support the celebration and the general merriment associated with birthdays. Furthermore, the party recognizes America's diverse cultures and acknowledges bar/bat mitzvahs as "extra special."

KITTENS
Kittens are soft and fluffy. A Gingrich administration will promote the advancement of cuddling and playing with kittens with balls of string or ribbons. From now on, all his campaign commercials will be produced by the same people who brought you the Cottonelle kitten.

RAINBOWS
Rainbows, along with sunshine, gentle summer breezes and puffy white clouds, provide essential elements of daily American life. Newt Gingrich commits to preserving our inherent right as a nation to fully enjoy such aspects of our heritage free from persecution.

LAUGHTER
While other candidates have sought to restrict a person's access to laughter and all things humorous, a Gingrich government will encourage participation in such laughter-inducing activities as jokes, riddles and limericks. States will retain the right to manage tickling and mild horseplay.