Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Who Is Not A Desired Woman?

Ask Men has released it's annual list of the 99 Most Desired Women. Topping the list is 39 year old Colombian actress Sophia Vergara. She is also accompanied by other "hot index" staples such as reality TV star Kim Kardashian, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr and singer Rihanna. Absent from the list for the first time in many years are such notable beauties as Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.

But the shocking omissions don't end there. Check out which other former desirables were dropped from the Top 99:
  • Debra Lafave
  • Christina Aguilera
  • Lane Kiffen
  • Princess Anne
  • Casey Anthony
  • Hermann Cain
  • Any Tiger Woods' cocktail waitress/girlfriend
  • Pablo Cruise
  • Madonna
  • Bashar al-Assad
  • Ru Paul
  • Sarah Palin
  • Any Olsen Twin
  • Zuzana Light (are the AskMen.com people insane?)
  • Paula Abdul
  • Your mom

Friday, January 27, 2012

Friday Demotivation - Some Butts

Welcome back to another Friday of Dogs & Jeans' all-original Demotivational Posters. While there is not theme, this week, be prepared for Super Bowl and Valentines Demotivation coming over the next few weeks.

This week, please enjoy to posters, have some laughs and see if you can spot the butts. After all, everyone like butts, even White Supremacists and the infirm.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Pity the Quiz Masters

The recent admission by Pat Sajak that he often hosted "Wheel of Fortune" while under the influence of alcohol has given other Game Show Hosts the courage to confess their own personal demons. The following list reveals inner battles and private shames so deep, it makes their professional successes all the more remarkable:
  • Bob Eubanks - childhood bet-wetter
  • Wink Martindale - unable to carry a tune
  • Bob Barker - lactose intolerant
  • Chuck Woolery - believes the touring cast of The Village People are all the original band members.
  • Tom Bergeron - crippling fear of heights
  • Alex Trebek - Canadian
  • Drew Carey - cannot distinguish Coke from Pepsi
  • Dick Clark - allergic to cats
  • Peter Marshall - secret vegetarian
  • Bert Convey - burns easily outdoors
  • Jeff Foxworthy - cannot read his own handwriting
  • Chris Harrison - is a virgin
  • John Davidson - considers parallel parking a sin

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

What's In It For Me Obama?

Many people listening to the bold statements made in President Obama’s State of the Union address last night were wondering:

“What’s In It For Me, Obama?”

It’s all well and good to make a bunch of promises about “moving forward together” and “reviving the American Dream”, but how will the President’s specific initiatives affect the average citizen? Dogs & Jeans is here to explain it to you.

Proposal: The creation of a China task force to monitor trade violations. Aggressive inspections will intercept "counterfeit or unsafe goods" from foreign countries.

  • Impact: Three years from now, we will all be talking about the multiple Oscar nominations for Paul Haggis’ film “China Task Force” staring Ryan Gosling as Michelle Monaghan as inspectors who run afoul of the Chinese government and an unscrupulous US bureaucrat.

Proposal: Support for partnerships between companies and community colleges to train workers for new careers, all coordinated through a single government program.

  • Impact: When you are asked ‘Do you want fries with that?” you can be assured that employee has received the best possible education McDonalds can fund.

Proposal: State laws that require students to stay in school until graduation or age 18.

  • Impact: You know how effective schools are at enforcing existing rules about drug use and weapons possession? Exactly.

Proposal: Beefed-up border protection, combined with a law to create a path for undocumented immigrant students to become legal U.S. citizens.

  • Impact: While illegal immigrants from Mexico and South East Asia will continue to arrive in America, we will now be safe from vacationing Canadians.

Proposal: Opening of offshore gas and oil fields to exploration and production.

  • Impact: Increased profits for U.S spill containment and clean up companies.

Proposal: Implementation of cost-saving reforms to Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security.

  • Impact: The sick and elderly will be freed of their life’s aliments in a quasi-religious ceremony known as Carousel

Proposal: Continuing international pressure on Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program.

  • Impact: Iranian reprisals on the U.S. such as banning citizens from vacationing at Iranian ski resorts, restricting the ownership of Tehran real estate and an export embargo of all Iranian produced motion pictures.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Obama's Broken Promises

President Obama will speak to the nation tonight in his annual State of Union address. Perhaps no speech to Congress has been more important for the President who faces an uncertain re-election prospect this November. Amid new initiatives for economic reform, education and health care, Obama will also come under fire for failed promises he made in past years' addresses.

Some commitments he has been unable to keep, such as reducing unemployment and closing the Guantanamo Bay facility, are easy to spot. Some pledges, however, were more obscure and it will not come as a shock that the President could not fulfil them:

Unkept Vows:
  • Recognize that butter tarts are a unique desert despite their resemblance to pies and celebrate them on a separate event from National Pie Day.
  • Cure baldness.
  • Find the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
  • Floss everyday!
  • Convince Stephen Bochco to put his short-lived musical drama "Cop Rock" back on TV.
  • Gain enough support for the WNBA to make it at least as popular as professional hockey.
  • Really get his abs to "pop" once and for all!
  • Build a dam somewhere. Every President needs a dam.
  • Finally get around to watching the "Lord of The Rings" trilogy.
  • Bring Nova Scotia into the Union as the 51st state.
  • Figure out how to resurrect Whitney Huston's career.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Gingrich Takes The Edge Off

After his big win in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich is inching closer to the Republican nomination. However, his campaign strategists fear his appeal may be too restricted to hard-line conservative. For Newt to win the nomination without causing rifts within the party (that will hurt him in the Presidential election) he must broaden his appeal. Voters can expect the former Speaker of the House to take a more centrist position on some issues designed to gain the support of both liberals and the undecided.

Dogs & Jeans has obtained an advance copy of the new platform:

kids birthday party cake candles balloons
Yes, the Democrats have a head start on "loot-bag" politics, but the Republican party has determined birthdays are fun and will fully support the celebration and the general merriment associated with birthdays. Furthermore, the party recognizes America's diverse cultures and acknowledges bar/bat mitzvahs as "extra special."

fluffy cute kitty
Kittens are soft and fluffy. A Gingrich administration will promote the advancement of cuddling and playing with kittens with balls of string or ribbons. From now on, all his campaign commercials will be produced by the same people who brought you the Cottonelle kitten.

rainbow landscape
Rainbows, along with sunshine, gentle summer breezes and puffy white clouds, provide essential elements of daily American life. Newt Gingrich commits to preserving our inherent right as a nation to fully enjoy such aspects of our heritage free from persecution.

While other candidates have sought to restrict a person's access to laughter and all things humorous, a Gingrich government will encourage participation in such laughter-inducing activities as jokes, riddles and limericks. States will retain the right to manage tickling and mild horseplay.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Winter Demotivation

Much of North America is locked in the icy grip of winter. Roads have become treacherous, snow has forced the closure of many schools and the dark nights are cold and long. What better time than to thumb our collective blogging noses at Old Man Winter with these January inspired demotivational posters!

Stay warm my friends!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Another One Bites The Dust

Rick Perry has dropped out of the Republican leadership race and has thrown his support behind Newt Gingrich. Many candidates find the transition from the hectic pace of the campaign back to normal political life difficult and the Texas governor will likely be no different. As we did for Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann before him, Dogs & Jeans offers some constructive ways to fill the hours away from the debate spotlights.
  • Catch up on missed season's of this season's "Grey's Anatomy". (Who knew it was even still on TV?)
  • Get some new chili recipes ready for Superbowl.
  • Think you're in shape? Try a BodyRock workout or two!
  • Watch some Australian Open tennis matches when they are actually on, not taped so he has to avoid finding out who won.
  • How about a Mediterranean cruise?
  • Finally figure out how to Skype on that damned iPad.
  • Make up you mind about whether or nor Ke$ha is hot once and for all!
  • Listen to some old Merle Haggard albums.
  • Volunteer some time with the Boy Scouts or Big Brothers or Power Rangers or somebody like that.
  • Develop his own position on the Keystone XL pipeline, not just mimic comments from CNN and Dr. Oz.
  • As always, we recommend macrame as a safe, fun hobby.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Best New Website for Smart People

In the wake of Wikipedia's blackout to protest the SOPA bill currently before Congress, a rival knowledge database has been launched. "Sortapedia" is trying to market itself as the new go-to site for Internet learning. However, accuracy and spelling appear to be taking a back seat to launch speed as the site's founders may have pushed Sortapedia onto the web before writers had the chance to fact check their entries.

Take a look at some examples of Sortapedia playing "fast and loose" with the truth:

Australia: Australia is both a country and the Earth's smallest continent. Gravity is only 2/3 that of the rest of the planet due to to Coriolis effect causing toilets to drain in reverse. The current Prime Minister is Olivia Newton John.
Boxing: Combative sport involving striking an opponent to the face and body. Gloved fists are the common method of delivering blows, however some styles will allow the use of elbows, knees, feet and folding chairs. Past boxing champions include Muhammad  Ali, James Braddock, Suzanne Sommers, Sugar Ray Leonard, Benjamin Franklin and Mikey from the Life cereal commercials.

Caviar: Bait eaten by snooty rich people.

Doppler Effect: The viewer's perceived differential of radar weather reports when presented by a guy in a hairpiece or hot Latina in a tight skirt.

Elephants: Mythical large land mammals celebrated in song and film for their fear of mice.

Fu*k: Derived from the Jazz music term "funk", fu*k is the only word n the English language that contains a character not in the alphabet.While not an actual word, fu*k denotes a myriad of meanings and allows users to post comments to social media sites like Facebook and Compuserve without fear of censorship.

General Electric: Hero of the American Civil War, Horatio Electric is best known for identifying that the discharge of negative particles caused lightening. This force he named 'electricity' was then harnessed for use in household products.

Hitler Lair: Popular Danish alternative music group from the mid 1980's best know for their song "If I Squint, I Might Find You Attractive."

Igloo: Dwelling made of blocks of compressed snow used by most Canadians. Shania Twain lives in the biggest.
Junk: What's in the trunk. Yeahhh Baby!

Kim Richards: The star of the reality TV show was born Kim Morgenstern and changed her name after a short-lived marriage to Rolling Stones guitar player Keith Richards. She may, however, move like Jagger.

Limbic System: The site of most basic brain functions in humans. The limbic system, also known as the "lizard brain" is the seat of basic emotions such as fear, anger and that sense that your girlfriends might be getting together without you, even though you had them over on Sunday afternoon with their kids and they didn't say anything about meeting at Starbucks today for coffee. Sure, they could say they knew you had an appointment at the optometrists, but they knew that you would have changed it if they had invited you.

Michael Jordan: Perhaps best known as the inventor of basketball, Michael Jordan is also credited with inventing sneakers, underwear and Buick automobiles.

Nickleback: The origins of this popular musical group are shrouded in mystery. Some claim they are beings from another planet while others say they arose in a defunct Soviet biological weapons laboratory. Scientists have proven that if you listen to Nickleback backwards you will hear messages from Satan, which come as a welcome relief to listening to Nickleback.

Octopussy: Title of a Nancy Drew mystery involving the disappearance of a lady with eight cats.

Polyacrylamide Gel Electrophoresis: If you are looking this term up on-line you are either trying to enter enough other phrases into Google to hide your porn searches or you are a real loser. In either case you should go out and meet a real woman. Now!

Quinoa: South American grain food, often used as a low carbohydrate alternative to rice or pasta. (Yeah, that's right. We may actually know some shit.)

Rob Lowe: Popular sports reporter with the Indianapolis Tribune. Hold the Guinness World Book record for most interviews of Matthew McCarthy.

Stuff: Everything you own is stuff. Not to be confused with Shit, which is everything other people own. (Entry submitted by George Carlin)
Tim Tebow: (Editor's Note: All entries to date now appear to be incorrect. Please check back again next September)

UVWXYZ: Extraneous letters in the alphabet nobody needs. Now, how about those pop-up ads? Aren't they useful?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

It's A Wonderful Campaign

henry potter
Claiming there is "too much diversity" among the remaining Republican presidential candidates, financier, real estate developer and philanthropist Henry F. Potter has thrown his hat into the ring. "It's not just enough to be conservative, old and white," his press release claimed. "You should also be really rich and intolerant to be a good candidate."

Despite having missed the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary, Potter believes he can catch up in time for the critical Bedford Falls caucus in February. Dogs & Jeans sat down with the reclusive billionaire in this exclusive interview:

D&J: Mr. Potter, what do you see as the biggest problem facing the average American family?
Potter: No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.

D&J: Can you be more specific with your criticisms of the other candidates? Let's start with Mitt Romney.
Potter: Playing the market with the company's money?
D&J: Okay, you don't sound sure about that. How about Rick Santorum. What's his weakness?
Potter: It's a woman he's involved with. It's all over town that he's been giving money to Violet Bick.
D&J: Newt Gingrich?
Potter: He's worth more dead than alive!
D&J: Many people might look at your candidacy as a personal attack on President Obama.
Potter: He was no business man.
D&J: So you are critical of his fiscal policy? Do you disagree with the budget compromise he fashioned that kept the government running last year? 
Potter:  Why didn't he go to the riffraff he loved so much and ask them for the $8,000? You know why? Because they'd run him out of town on a rail!
D&J: What would you say if you could debate the President?
Potter: Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man?
D&J: Bold words. Thank you for this interview Mr. Potter and good luck with the campaign.
Potter: And Happy New Year to you, in jail!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Captain Distracted?

This weekend's disastrous capsizing of a luxury cruise liner in Italy shocked the world. Thankfully the loss of life has been low, considering the potential sinking ship of this size could have. Experts have wondered how the captain could have misjudged his location by as much as four miles. After his arrest for manslaughter, he has given several different reasons for his being so negligently distracted:
  • Have you seen Kate Beckinsale's cat suit in the new Underworld movie?
  • He put money on the Knicks. Again!
  • Could not decide to give up Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow from his Fantasy League.
  • With these gas prices, shaving off every travel mile helps.
  • Can't think of what to get Betty White for her 90th birthday.
  • What's up with the new Facebook re-design?
  • Too busy catching up on episodes of Zooey Deschanel's "New Girl".
  • Was confused and thought he was actually an 'Undercover Boss" and not a real boss.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Demotivational Friday Posters

Going into this weekend, I find myself greatly conflicted. My normally satiric personality should be ready to pounce on all things Tebow-related in advance of his big game against the Patriots on Saturday. Our friends over at Sports Illustrated's Extra Mustard have even dedicated today's entire posting to the Bronco's QB with fun links and videos galore. Given all the hype, I should be busy lampooning to beat the band (Note: "Beating the band through the method of lampooning" has only be recently removed from the Criminal Codes of many of the independent Baltic States of the former Soviet Union.)

However, I am strangely drawn to the story. While Tim is not an "underdog" in the same class as Rudy, his work ethic, determination and desire to lead make up for his lack of actual skill in much the same way. Even Mrs. Trooper, who is not a big football fan, has been following the story line of last-second heroics with interest. The rematch with the superbly talented and nearly flawless execution of Tom Brady will make for compelling viewing on Saturday.

Plus a Bronco win will keep the post-worthy jokes coming for at least another week!

In the meantime, please enjoy these Demotivational Posters, none of which are the least bit football related.