Friday, September 30, 2011

Disney Demotivational Posters

I hope everyone is enjoying reading about our Disneyland Vacation. For a special Friday treat, please enjoy these Disney-themed Demotivational Posters. To enhance the effect, try humming "It's A Small World After All" as you read.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 7

Vacation Day Lucky Number 7 was planned to be a break from Disney but not a break from fun! We rented a car again and drove to Knott’s Berry Farm. Mrs. Trooper was concerned we should arrive early enough to avoid the crowd but her worry was unfounded. The visitors were so sparse it was like being in an abandoned amusement park right out of an episode of "Scooby Doo". (And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!)

I have never been a huge fan of roller coasters (as my tale of Space Mountain 1976 may attest) but I hoped the past several days plunging down log flumes and haunted hotel elevator shafts had toughened me up. And it worked! Loop the loop on Montezuma’s revenge? No problem. Rotating cars on The Sidewinder? Piece of cake. A 300 ft. tower drop on Supreme Scream? If I focussed on my breathing like a good little Zen Buddhist it was actually kind of fun.

The best ride was the Pony Express. There are no cars, but each rider has his/her own little horse. You are locked into the saddle with a back cushion then sent rocketing over the dips, drops and swales reminiscent of the first mail carriers on the western plains. Remember when I said there were no crowds? On several rides, including the Pony Express, we would return to the start only to have the operator ask if we wanted to go again because nobody was waiting. Over and over we rode the coasters, until by 2:30 I was exhausted. My head ached from the pressure behind my eyes and my legs swayed as if I had been at sea for six months.

The downside to Knott’s is you can’t help but compare it to Disney. This is unfair because no facility could really come up to that experience of quality and attention to detail. Knott’s does rollercoasters and they do them very well. However, there are some rides and attractions like the Old Western Town where they have tried to replicate the Disney experience, through caves and historical re-enactments, but they are moth-eaten and shoddy in comparison. The one exception was The Mystery Lodge. This was a live show with a Pacific Northwest native story teller. It was whimsical, emotional and magical in its simplicity. A real don’t miss.

You would think a day at Knott’s Berry Farm (there are no berries being farmed anymore by the way) would be enough but not for Trooper’s Family. We drove straight from the park to Medieval Times and began our evening of anachronistic dinner theatre. If you haven’t had a chance to attend one of the half dozen or so Medieval Times restaurants around North America, I urge you to go. The audience is encouraged to participate and my daughter was even selected as one of the Ladies Fair for whose honor the knights would fight. The jousting and swordplay are exciting, the plot subterfuge of betrayal is intriguing and the patter of the senior knight who acts as the MC is delightful. Best of all is eating with your hands: chicken, ribs, potatoes and not a vegetable in sight! If you go, please raise a flagon of mead for Trooper.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 6

This was our third day in the Disney Parks and we were becoming old pros at getting around. No longer were we going to waste time in line-ups or wear ourselves out walking around the whole darn place. We had to be strategic about the allocation of resources to make the most of our vacation. Plus Disney does provide several forms of transportation that pass themselves off as attractions.

We made a list of the rides we hadn’t yet seen: The Haunted Mansion, Star Tours and Pixie Hollow being the biggies. Being Halloween, the line-ups for Haunted Mansion had been huge so that was one to use a FastPass for early. Star Tours was all the way on the other side of the park. So here was the plan.

  • Get to the park early
  • Take the Disneyland Train to New Orleans Square
  • Get the Haunted Mansion FastPass
  • Back on the train to Tomorrowland
  • Do StarTours
  • Meet Tinkerbell in Pixie Hollow on the edge of Fantasyland
  • Visit Peter Pan and Snow White on our way back to The Haunted Mansion
But you also learn very quickly in The Magic Kingdom to amend a plan based on changing circumstances. Sometimes you just have to roll with it. When we arrived at The Haunted Mansion, there was hardly any line up. Plan B. Go on Haunted Mansion use the FastPass for Star Tours. Engage!

The Haunted Mansion was good, but I was disappointed with how it had been changed for Halloween. Gone were the 19th Century ghosts and in their place were Jack Skelington and the gang from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” The kids liked it but it’s hard to replace something as classy and clever as the Hitchhiking Ghosts.

Back on the train, and with little effort or time wasted, and we were on our way to Tomorrowland. The line-up for StarTours was also not heavy but I could see the crowds building. While Mrs. Trooper and the kids waited in the queue, I zipped to Space Mountain and got FastPasses for later. StarTours is excellent by the way and well worth a 30 minute wait. You are entertained for much of that time as you weave through the “departure” space station. As we were to find out later, there are up to 50 different variations in the ride, so don’t think that it’s not worth repeating.

Peter Pan was a real treat. The ride must be 50 years old but is still charming and magical even in its simplistic effects. Snow While is so-so and has an unsatisfying end. The Dwarves spot the Wicked Witch in the woods, but there is no confrontation nor is there a scene of Snow being awakened. You suddenly reach the end to learn they all lived happily ever after. But how, dammit? How?

Our afternoon was spent enjoying repeated rides like Big Thunder Mountain and Splash Mountain since the crowds were oddly sparse. And it was there I had my best Disneyland experience: the Turkey Leg! As many readers will know, I’m a big fan of meat. This tasty snack is well worth the $8 for its juicy goodness but it sure doesn’t taste like turkey. The meat has the flavour and consistency of ham but the leg has the supporting integuments of poultry. Rumors abound on the Internet that it’s actually emu meat, but I would think it would be the size of a fungo bat then. Any readers who know the real story behind the Turkey Leg are welcome to comment. Bottom line: I wasn’t sure what I was eating but didn’t care.

As day wore into evening, we had ridden and shopped ourselves to exhaustion and, despite intentions of having a shorter day, we still found ourselves walking back to the hotel after 7 pm. Tomorrow is a non-Disney Day at Knott’s Berry Farm and Medieval Times. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 5

The plan for today, our second actual “Disney Day”, was to visit the “new” park across the plaza: Disney California Adventures. I didn’t know anything about this attraction, other that the name is both awkward and confusing. All day we kept referring to it as Adventureland, of which there is already one in The Magic Kingdom. It’s the land that contains The Jungle Cruise, The Tiki Room and the fabulous Indiana Jones ride.

It turns out California Adventures is not yet completed. The entry point does not lead into a main area currently; the planned Buena Park Avenue is under construction. Like cattle, the crowd is corralled around several turns and dumped out confused into the Grizzly Recreation Area. So of course like idiots, we decided to take the River Rafting ride and get soaked first thing in the morning! Next was the Little Mermaid ride, which is very good but seems oddly out of place. It sould be in Fantasyland with Alice and Peter Pan.

What followed were several milder rides reminiscent of turn of the century boardwalk attractions; pleasant but uninspiring. California Sreamin’, the wooden rollercoaster, was closed for repairs, which disappointed the kids, until they saw the scope do the drops and barrel rolls. Still, it was an “anchor” ride for the park and it’s being out of commission caused a spill over of crowds onto everything else. Goofy’s Sky School, was a reasonable (and very fun) substitute. We used several FastPass options to avoid the crowds on this one.

By noon I had grown largely disappointed with California Adventures. There were more shops than rides and the midway games all required spending additional coin. And then I learned the one thing that it had over Disneyland: alcohol! Not only can you get a beer at several vendors, including wine tasting, but you can walk around with it. Talk about civilized. In your face puritanical Canadian society! Whether it was the wheat ale or the superb rides that were yet to come, the afternoon turned out much better.

We then wandered into the Hollywood Backlot and were introduced to the Tower of Terror. This attraction is an example of what Disney does best. Not only is this ride thrilling for the elevator drops, but the entire atmosphere and Twilight Zone tale make it something even the most timid guest MUST experience. I won’t spoil the back story, but when you enter, observe the state of the lobby: a dust covered tea service, a card game abandoned, fedora and rain coat thrown over the counter by a guest who may have checked in but never checked out. Tower is probably my favourite ride.

For those of you who enjoy sunshine, children, flowers, good times with loved ones and small furry creatures (therefore nearly everyone) don’t miss Soarin’ over California. It is as close an experience to flying I can imagine without growing feathers. The orange grove even smelled of oranges. By 3PM we were dry enough to re-soak on the grizzly River Rafts then walked back to the hotel in squishy shoes for a break, some pool time and supper.

Eight o’clock found the whole family back in California Adventures to watch the World of Color. This is a superb fountain show with synchronized floodlights, music and Disney cartoon clips projected onto the falling water backdrop. It’s also the only image or reference of any kind I saw to Pocahontas the entire time we were there. Native American’s are once again getting the shaft and with Vanessa Williams happily ensconced on ABC’s Desperate Housewives, I doubt she’ll by lobbying hard for the return of the Indian maiden.

But by 10 o’clock I was too tired for much outrage. Carrying the youngest on my shoulders, we made our way back to the hotel to rest up for another day of strategic riding back in Disneyland.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 4

The whole family awoke exhausted from the rigours of 11 hours of Disneyland, although only 18 minutes of that time was actually spent “on” a ride. We decided to take a day off from the park and head out to the beach. Mrs. Trooper made a few calls to car rental agencies and managed to arrange a mid-sized car for only $32. So we packed up the bathing suits, towels and water and headed for the ocean.

Newport Beach was an easy half-hour drive from the hotel. Even under an overcast sky it was breathtaking. The sand was white and warm; the waves steady and swimmable. It was like a scene right out of Baywatch. The kids were amazed that this was the same Pacific Ocean we have at home. On Vancouver Island we can surf, but you need a full wetsuit, or plenty of blubber to stay out for more than five minutes. They rode the waves like dolphins until they were too hungry to paddle anymore.

Lunch was eaten at the famous Crab Cooker restaurant with its distinctive red façade. Our waitress Karagh was only too happy to bring out samples of their signature smoked tuna and crab meat. If you go, don’t miss the Manhattan style clam chowder. It is so thick; the red sauce is more like a glaze than a soup. We burned off the meal walking along the boardwalk and marvelling at the view of multi-million dollar homes lining the beach.

My son and I had tickets to see the USC Trojans play Syracuse that night at the LA Memorial Coliseum and dropped the ladies at the hotel for a quiet evening of scrapbooking. Despite the complaints I have heard about LA traffic, the highway system with its overpasses and cloverleaves works much better than the archaic Canadian road network of intersections and non-synchronized stop lights. We drove with ease to the stadium and joined the more that 70,000 football fans. It was awe inspiring to walk up the steps of the same edifice that hosted the 1932 and 1984 Olympic Games and the cauldron that Rafer Johnson lit. Then was found our seats amid the Trojan faithful.

What a spectacle! It was a roaring sea of crimson and gold. I have never been in a crowd that big, much less one whose wardrobe and cheering are so well coordinated. Being a Notre Dame fan, I was not cheering for USC, but I tried to be respectful of the feelings of the thousands of Trojans surrounding me. Actually there was not much to cheer for as Syracuse was man-handled most of the game by a superior offense. But I enjoyed every minute of the pageantry, from the Songbirds on the sidelines to the between-play music provided by the Trojan band.

It was nearly 10 by the time we pulled off the I-5 into Anaheim. As if on cue, we drove the final few miles directly under the fireworks of Disneyland. Tomorrow we are tackling California Adventures and more crowds!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 3

Our first SoCal morning dawned grey and cool, but none of our party were deterred; we were spending our first day in Disneyland! The hotel was a 20 minute walk from the park and that served as a great warm-up for the miles and miles and miles of walking that were to come. Once through the gates, the three kids were all begging to go on their favourite rides first.

“Indiana Jones!”

“Tower of Terror!”

“Space Mountain!”

“More coffee,” urged my inner voice but there was no time to indulge it. We snapped one quick picture at the Mickey flower garden and headed into the Magic Kingdom. On the advice of Vern, our trolley driver, we headed to the rear of the park to start with ToonTown. However once we entered Fantasyland all plans for an organized assault we out the window. The Alice ride, the Tea Cup ride, the It’s A Small World (but I wouldn’t want to paint it) ride whetted the appetite for something more adventurous so we made our way over to The Matterhorn.

This was the kids first ‘real’ roller coaster ride, (and my first in over 25 years) and they had a blast! “Can we go again? Can we go again?” they begged. The stock answer throughout the day was, “Yes, but not today.” The rides of Tomorrowland beckoned and we got off the plan to experience a few before the crowds surged. Chevron's Autopia ride is the most realistic, especially the part where you are stuck in gridlock for 15 minutes at the end of the ride. Thanks for this glimpse of the future Walt! The irony is how quaint the “rides of tomorrow” seem now. Even the futuristic shuttle in the docking port of Space Mountain seems anachronistic in NASA’s post-shuttle days.

Speaking of Space Mountain, I remember going on that ride when I was 11 and praying it would end with the fervour of a Baptist minister. However, taking the kids on it 34 years later, I put on a brave face admitting only to mild nervousness. Inside, however, I was battling butterflies the size of Apache helicopters. My 7 year old daughter was keen to ride on her own, so I did a gut check and loaded aboard with a grin. And it was AWESOME!!!! I exorcised the demons of 34 years in 90 seconds and am willing and able to ride Space Mountain any time.

As for the 3-D version of “Captain Eo”, only the most ardent Michael Jackson adherent could possibly enjoy this atrocity. The story of Michael Jackson freeing Angelica Houston and her minions from their Borg-like enslavement through music would make even Star Trek: Deep Space 9 fans laugh. And this film abomination was the creation of the directors “Star Wars” and the Godfather Saga? The Disney corporation must have been holding captive the children of Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas to keep them working. Avoid this ride like the Sarlacc in Tatooine’s Great Pit of Carkoon.

We put the hammer down and rode everything we could well past our normal supper. By 7:30 I was more than ready to get out of the park. I needed food, but I needed some quiet even more. The rides are loud, the crowds are loud and there is auditory stimulus coming through speakers hidden in lamps, trees, rocks and squirrels everywhere.

We never made it to ToonTown as Vern suggested and there are still areas of Adventureland and Tom Sawyers’ Island still to explore. But bed (and a foot massage for Mrs. Trooper) await.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 2

Despite the late night from the one and one thirds baseball game the night before, there was no chance that Trooper and Gang would sleep-in the next morning. After a quick breakfast of gourmet bagels at Seattle's Blazing Bagels (with the most generous portions of cream cheese I have ever seen) we were back at Safeco Field for a tour. The tour guide took an instant liking to our three kids and decided to take us off on our own. "Uncle" Ted, as he quickly became known to us, took us through the tunnels under the stadium, Diamond Club lounge and seats for the hoi-poloi, the press room (where I answered questions about my hypothetical management of the team) and out into the Mariners' dugout. Uncle Ted decided the kids we so well behaved, each one received an Ichiro jersey! We were so jealous.

There was no time to  dwell, because we had to get off to the airport for the flight to Anaheim. We thanked Uncle Ted, dashed back to the hotel for our bags and headed to the airport. Lunch had to be postponed until we were through security. After all the posts Dogs and Jeans has posted ripping those involved in airport security, it was comforting to see the lampooning only scratched the surface of how ridiculous the whole process is. So lunch was very, very late.

A little more than two hours later we landed at John Wayne International. Sunny California was exactly that - sunny and gorgeous. And the traffic was everything I've expected too! Miles and miles of cars standing still. Of course, just like at home, most of the cars had only one person behind the wheel. There's something we could do to solve the congestion but I just can't put my finger on it...

The hotel is fine, the pool is nice, supper was delicious and after we got the kids down, Mrs. Trooper and I are excited about Disneyland on Day 3.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Holiday With Trooper: Day 1

Trooper and The Gang are off on a 10 day vacation, so we’ll take a break from our normal jackassery and share the adventure with all you wonderful bloggy readers. This posting is being made from the hotel next to the Happiest Place on Earth, our base of operations for the next 10 days.

Day 1 began with our arrival in Seattle which included a “fast cat ferry” ride down the Puget Sound. The skyline of The Emerald City is something everyone should see from the water. After checking into the hotel, we strolled through the pedestrian malls of Pioneer Square poking into the galleries and boutiques. The architechture was impressive as was the energy of commerce from the city that gave the world Amazon, Starbucks and grunge rock. I was very moved by the memorial to Seattle's fallen fire fighters.

At Glass Works, a young artisan gave us an impromptu lesson in glass blowing, all the while he was fashioning a decorative shot glass that I’ll be picking up on my way back through. I’m sure martinis will taste better with a measuring device I saw in production.

Donairs from a street side vendor, a quick purchase of some discount Mariner’s gear and we were off to Safeco Field for the 7:10 first pitch. And what a game! The third game of a three game stand against the hot Yankees and the Mariners were trying to prevent the sweep. A low scoring defensive game provided highlight plays every inning from both teams: double plays, stolen bases, doubles and triples robbed by diving fielders and runners gunned out at home from deep in left field.

We had chosen our seats along the first base line so we could see Ichiro’s heroics up close (as it appeared did nearly every person of Japanese heritage). While he didn’t see much action, we were treated to one vintage Ichiro leaping catch at the wall as he robbed the Yankees of a sure run to keep the game tied at 1 run apiece.

The kids danced for the cameras between innings, enticing the jumbo-tron camera guy to hang out in our section for much of the game. The popcorn was hot and the lemonade was cool and refreshing. And the game wore on: 9 innings, 10 innings, 11 innings. The bullpens for both teams were rapidly depleting as both teams kept putting the winning run aboard, only to strand him when the next batter went down swinging at air.

In the bottom of 12, and long, long past the kids’ bed time, the Mariners' shortstop Luis Rodriguez came to the plate. Being the baseball genius that I am, I informed Mrs. Trooper that a batter hitting a dismal .186 with a measly single home run all season was a guarantee we were going to a 13th inning. No sooner were these wise words out of my mouth when Gonzales unloaded on a slider hung over the edge of the plate and sent a bomb deep over the wall in right field. Game over! Mariners win! And three Canadian kids became instant fans of America’s Pastime.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Top Gun Backs Obama?

"Top Gun", one of the biggest movies of the 1980's, will  be released in 3D in 2012, but not without some controversy. The popular Tom Cruise action/romance film is being in enhanced with state-of-the-art technology in hopes of appealing to a new film-going demographic. However, it's not the realism of the dog-fights, or the overly homoerotic beach volleyball scenes that raise the ire of critics. The addition of several new scenes are being criticised for being direct endorsements of President Obama's re-election. Such third party advertising would normally exceed campaign finance laws but the re-release of a 25 year old movie may be exempt.

Republican watchdogs cite some of the following "new" scenes and edits as examples of blatant political interference by Hollywood:
  • The Soviet pilot of the MiG Maverick encounters at the film's opening bears an uncanny resemblance to Dick Cheney.
  • When we first learn of the circumstances around Maverick's father's heroic death, his aviation call sign has been changed to "Barack".
  • During the locker room scene, an unidentified naked black man walks by the shower while one towel-wearing pilots remarks "That Obama is one big dicked fighter jock!"
  • After Goose's tragic death, Maverick makes and impassioned soliloquy for a universal health care plan that might have saved his friend.
  • When Maverick is about the throw Goose's dog tags into the ocean, a stranger (who bears a striking resemblance to Barack Obama) puts his hand on Mav's shoulder and says, "Son, I understand you're upset right now, but don't you think Goose would want his son to have those someday when he's older?" Maverick pauses, then thanks him for his wise words, pockets the dog tags and walks away.
  • During the final battle, Maverick is saved when an unseen Tomcat by shoots down a MiG that got on his tail. Afterwards, Ice Man confesses it was not him that saved Maverick but "Obama got the job done!"

Monday, September 12, 2011

Bet on Bachelor Pad

Tonight is the exciting conclusion of ABC's "Bachelor Pad 2". For those of you unfamiliar with this train wreck of a show, imagine the creepiest douchebags and sluttiest crazies rejected from past seasons of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette". Got that image in your mind's eye? Now force them to live together under one roof for weeks, participating in not-so-thinly disguised sex games while they pair up and vote off each another using alliances that make The Axis Powers seem noble. All these tears, taunts and tantrums are in an effort to win $250K. Plus the whole thing is filmed and edited to enhance the melodrama, dysfunction and bounty of side-boobs.

If you are involved in a "Bachelor Pad" office pool, here are the latest Vegas odds on tonight's possible outcomes:
  • We learn kasey Anthony has been hiding out in the Mansion since her relase from a Florida jail - 15 to 1.
  • Even the Monday Night Football match up between the dreadful Broncos and abysmal Raiders will be more entertaining - 6 to 1. (but the cheerleaders will seem classier than the "Bachelor Pad" ladies)
  • Former "Bachelor" Brad Womak shows up to say this time her has really learned how to open up to his emotion - 3 to 1. (That emotion is 'Bewilderment')
  • Sarah Jessica Parker drops in to plug another unwanted "Sex and the City" movie - 8 to 1.
  • Vienna and Kasey are confident they will win the challenge but will suck at it horribly and lose. She will throw a fit blaming him for being unsupportive and he'll threaten to leave. They will reconcile with a messy trip to 3rd base filmed in grainy black and white - Even money.
  • Portia de Rossi will visit the house and instruct the women in the proper way to French Kiss - 50 to 1 (but that would be AWESOME!!!)
  • Michael will propose marriage to Holly which she will reject (after a teary confession with the other women about her feelings for Blake). Michael will threaten to quit the show but we won't learn the result until "after the break" - 5 to 1.
  • Bank of America forecloses on the Mansion and all the contestants are forced to sell their own blood and semen (if applicable) to get back home - 20 to 1.
  • Kasey threatens to punch Jake in the mouth (but not to his face) - 2 to 1. A desperate Kate Gosselin will arrive to actually do it - 11 to 1.
  • Every commercial break will feature so many promotions for "Dancing With the Stars", viewers will be convinced they are actually watching an episode of  "Dancing With the Stars" - 6 to 1.
  • Halfway through the broadcast, we will all remember the halcyon days of reality TV when shows were still classy like "The Swan" and "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" - Even money.
Sept 13 Update: Nearly half this stuff happened! Did you place smart bets? For a hilarious review of the show, check out BuddyTV.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Friday Demotivation - Job Creation Edition

President Obama addressed a joint session of the Legislature last night to pitch his Jobs Bill. With promises of tax cuts for small business, hiring incentives and federal investment in in infrastructure, we can expect thousand of new menial, low-skilled, poorly paid and boring McJobs to come on-line over the next few years! To celebrate, Dogs & Jeans presents this special Job Creation Demotivational Poster Series.

Now get back to work!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Hurray For Football!

To celebrate the return of the NFL tonight, Dogs & Jeans offers the following collection of some of our more popular football postings over the past three years.

Enjoy, and remember if you haven't read it yet, it's new to you!

NFL: Lions and Tigers and Bears - A tribute to each NFL team

Favre to Retire, Favre to Play, Favre to Retire - The saga continues

Kremlin Infiltrates the NFL - How to identify the franchise spies

Football Rescues America! - Say goodbye to the economic crisis

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Crime Fighting Modest Proposals

It's been nearly three months since the Stanley Cup riot in Vancouver and not a single arrest has been made. This is despite the preponderance of video footage of drunk idiots looting stores, throwing rocks and setting fire to police cars. However, citizens of the province of British Columbia have paid more than $300K for an internal review that places no blame on the police for being unprepared (going so far as to say there were "too many people but not too few police"!)

Rather than recommend increasing police levels for large street gatherings (even though this approach worked very well during the 2010 Winter Olympics), creating a single regional police force trained in crowd control or employing mass arrest techniques as most metropolitan areas do, the report goes in the opposite direction. Among recommendations with vague effectiveness such as advertising campaigns targeted at kids and increased social media tools, the main suggestion is to end public gatherings.

Hmm, despite plenty of opportunity to prepare for the post-game ruckus using a policing model that has worked in the past, an uncoordinated and poorly trained police force says the best way to deal with a small population of drunken hooligans is to restrict the personal freedoms of everyone. Well done Vancouver. Let's see how that logic applies to other areas of law enforcement:

Issue: Child Molestation
Numerous task forces targeting Internet pedophiles and yeoman efforts by To Catch a Predator's Chris Hanson dont' seem to stop the problem. Creepy guys are still having sex with little children. Reducing the age of consent to 6, or even 4, will greatly reduce the number of violations of the law.

Issue: The War on Terrorism
Ousting the Taliban and increasing airline security have been expensive and considered largely ineffective (despite having not experienced another attack on US soil since 9/11). Forced conversion of all North Americans to radical Islam and replacement of Canada, Mexico and the US's constitutions with Iranian Sharia law should appease the terrorists and leave us alone, inshallah.

Issue: Bank Robbery
Security is expensive and deploying SWAT teams during hold-ups puts everyone at risk. Banks should maintain a stack of cash-filled bags in their lobbies with a sign that reads 'Help Yourself".

Issue: Driving Under the Influence
Roadside checks and stiffer drunk driving penalties are simply a band-aid. A more effective solution would be to double the alcohol limit, thereby rendering fewer drivers "legally" impaired. New terminology would need to be employed to remove and drunk driving stigma. Crashes would now be called "abrupt parking features" while crash victims would be "sudden organ donors".

Issue: Wild Fires
The annual summer effort to fight grass and forest fires throughout the US southwest can no longer be supported. The problem would simply go away if the government declares "Burning" as the natural state of Texas, Arizona, parts of Oklahoma and southern California from May to October. As an additional measure, the US Weather Service may refer to the atmosphere in these regions as "mildly smokey". 

There! Doesn't that make everyone feel better?