Thursday, June 30, 2011

Greece Even More Spartan?

The Greek Parliament has passed an aggressive program of cut-backs in order to stave off government bankruptcy. In contrast to Obama's "tax increase" approach, the Grecian five year plan will focus more on severe spending reductions rather than raising revenue. Many feel the austere measures may be too much to handle, however, and will doom the plan to failure.

Some restrictions include:
  • Pants will no longer to have two legs. Only the left is to remain and will be called "pant".

  • To reduce food costs, parliamentary cafeteria will eliminate serving shish with any kebabs.

  • Government offices to be powered by static electricity. Rapid removal of a wool sweater keeps the lights on in a room for 15 minutes. Computers retrofitted to run by rubbing a balloon against your head and fixing it to the monitor.
  • Any potential bid for the 2020 Summer Olympics has been replaced by screenings of the film "300".

  • "Alexander The Great Museum" to be renamed "Alex The Moderately Successful Remembering Place".

  • Official car service to be replaced with piggy-backs from Albanian immigrants.

  • Cost of printing Greek flag will be reduced by eliminating all blue stripes.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

How About Some New Taxes?

As expected, President Obama has announced the only way to get to a budget deal that addresses the current debt levels is through raising taxes. While Obama is facing criticism from both parties for the decision, he should be credited with great creativity he has shown in the taxes proposed. If you thought everything that could be taxed had already been, think again!
  • A $1000 surcharge for anyone who calls of an engagement from The Bachelor or Bachelorette.
  • A 15% tax on any Disney child stars who try to make a comeback over the age of 21.
  • A $400 user fee for bringing a baby on an airplane. A further $25 will be charged for every sound or smell they make during the flight.
  • A million dollar fine on every NFL team owner if they can't settle a new contract before the end of the summer. C'mon already!
  • Country music albums determined to be overly patriotic for the purposes of "marketing purposes only" will be subject to a %12 "jingoism" tax.
  • 6% will be added to your monthly Internet bill for each Google search for Megan Fox.
  • A penalty of 20% of all campaign fundraising will be levied against any presidential hopeful who demonstrates even less knowledge of American history that Sarah Palin.
  • All tennis players from the former Soviet Union (eg. Maria Sharapova) will face a 50% tax on their entries to the US Open in September. If Lindsey Davenport considers coming out of retirement and playing, however, her prize money will be considered "tax free".
  • It's not actually a tax, but any person found to have less than 5% of their retirement fund invested in gold bullion will be punched in the face by G. Gordon Liddy.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

New Parenting Books

The popular parenting book "Go the F*** to Sleep" is coming under criticism for it's language, tone and general negative attitude towards children. Supporters defend it as a parody of classic bedtime storybooks and is intended for adults only as a satire. Many parents, however, praise the book's irony saying being able to laugh at the nightly frustration that comes with putting a child to bed has given them more patience and made them better parents.

While some critics describe the book as promoting abuse towards children, they should reserve their fight for the next wave of parenting parody books due out anytime:
  • "Stop That Crying or I'll Give You Something To Cry About!"
  • "Keep It Up Mister and There Will Be No Toy Story 4 For You!"
  • "You Can Sit There All Night Until That Plate Is Clean For All I Care!"
  • "J**** C*****! Don't You Ever Knock?"
  • "Do You Want to Go Live With Charlie Sheen? Because I Can Make It Happen!"
  • "I Don't Care What You Do At Daddy's House! Here You Brush Your Damn Teeth!"
  • "You Don't Need a Band-Aid If It's Not Bleeding!"
  • "Not Everybody Is Special, You Know?"
  • "Who The H*** Has To Pee Every Five Minutes?"
  • "If I Hear That Selena Gomez Song One My Time I'm Going To Blow My F***ing Head Off!"
  • "What's Wrong With You? How Could You Lose Another Pair of Glasses?"
  • "Stop Fighting With Your Sister! Don't Make Me Come Back There!"
  • "I Need A Drink!" (featuring a special introduction by Vodka Mom)

Monday, June 27, 2011

What's In The Mail?

After more than a week on strike, Canada Post workers are being forced back to work. The government legislation is expected to pass today and mail should begin to move Tuesday. Canadians who have enjoyed the relative freedom of an empty mailbox can begin to expect a deluge of the following:
  • Bills (which they will have already paid on-line through pre-authorized monthly withdrawals)
  • People, Us and InStyle magazines (featuring stories about Jennifer Aniston and Daniel Craig they will have already read about on celebrity blogs)
  • Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Packages (but the deadline has now passed so you are no longer A WINNER!)
  • Flyers for gutter cleaning, pest removal and free real estate appraisals (but nobody is buying homes these days anyway)
  • Sports Illustrated renewal notices (but with no NFL likely this year, what's the point?)
  • A postcard from your aunt who is visiting Nott's Berry Farm ("Weather is hot, park is crowded and I don't trust the look of any of the ride attendants. Wish you were here! Love, Aunt Donna)
  • Tea Party donation requests (they even send them to Canada)
  • The latest Playboy (in the era of Internet porn, Playboy seems quaint)
  • A tax audit notice from Revenue Canada with a deadline that has already passed. (Congratulations! You can expect an arrest warrant any day!)

Friday, June 24, 2011

Friday Demotivation - Artistic Edition

It has been said that black and white can make even the most vulgar image seem artistic. Therefore, to add some more class and civility to the the blog-o-sphere, today's edition of Friday Demotivational Posters will feature only black and white images. Don't bother commenting to tell me some are sepia toned; nobody like being corrected. Sheesh!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Fans Revive Harry Potter

Much to the delight of Harry Potter fans around the world, J.K Rowling has announced the launch of "Pottermore". This on-line publication of the Harry Potter series will enrich the readers' experience not only with 1000's of Potter graphics and images, but also reader contributed plots. That's right: Fan Fiction! Now every Griffindor Wannabe with Internet access can post stories about the boy wizard and his pals.

Unfortunately, this approach to obtaining content for Pottermore will not result in new plots as clever as those suggested by Dogs and Jeans nearly a year ago (and I was assured by my mother that they are indeed very clever). Sadly, fan contributed chapters will be more like this:
  • "The Week Justin Bieber Came to Hogwarts"
  • "Harry Potter Finally Accepted My Friend Invite on Facebook"
  • "The Great Quiddich Match Against The Kids From True Blood"
  • "What I'd Do To Hermione If I Ever Got Her Alone"
  • "Ron  vs The Sea Monster"
  • "Bam Margera Accepts A Dare From Slytherin or 'Bet You Can't Stick Your Junk In The Mouth of The Basilisk'"
  • "Why Star Trek: The Next Generation Is Cooler Than Harry Potter"
  • "The Time Severus Snape Hacked Anthony Weiner's Twitter Account and Sent Inappropriate Pictures of Himself"
  • "Headmaster Sarah Palin Restores Family Values to Hogwarts."
  • "I Have A Magic Wand... In My Pants!"

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

More Bible on Broadway?

Following on the heels of the impressive success of The Book of Mormon, Broadway producers are scrambling to turn other religious subjects into theatre productions. The awards, accolades and popularity of a musical with sacred subject matter is nothing new when you consider such classics as “Jesus Christ Superstar”, “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” and “Oh! Calcutta”! Producers hope that scouring mankind’s religious tomes will provide another smash hit for next season.

Some of the shows currently under consideration are:

A young prince rejects the court when he learns he is really the adopted son of oppressed peasants. He returns years later to deliver his people from bondage by conjuring seven supernatural disasters. Songs include:
  • “If There’s Blood on the Door Posts, We’ll Still Need That College Fund”
  • “Moses and the Israelites Think They Can Outsmart Us”
  • “Pick Your Plague People"
  • “The Bush Burned But I Didn’t Inhale”
  • "I’d Wander the Desert For You”

The Image of Mohammed
A talented artist suffers a head injury resulting in a bizarre affliction: he can now only draw and paint images of Mohammed. He begins to do so obsessively. He unwittingly becomes a lightning rod for all manner of extremist groups from Evangelical Christians who declare his art as blasphemy, pro-Americans who see him as the poster child for anti-terrorist efforts and Islamic fundamentalists who issue a fatwa for his heresy. Songs include:
  • “Hey, It’s Just a Dude in a Robe”
  • “Would You Love Me If I Could Paint You a Rose?”
  • “Only Mohammed Shall See Mohammed, All Others Must Have Their Eyes Burned Out” performed by a chorus of dancing Ayatollahs.

A song and dance extravaganza to dazzle the senses of the audience with a celebration of Caribbean culture. Songs include:
  • "The Chicken(bone) Dance"
  • "Da Tarot Don't Lie Mon"
  • "Let's Make A Zombie!"
  • "Love Potion Numbers 1 Through 8"

Being Here (Now)
A young Indian man discovers the secret to happiness is accepting the reality of life is change and to simply be present in the moment. He tries to tell others but his message is not complicated enough to be respected. Eventually he gives up and moves into the city where he starts a call center business and becomes a wealthy, sexually satisfied Bollywood producer but is unhappy. Songs include:
  • ‘How Many Lives Do You Need To Find Love?”
  • “Take It One Breath At A Time”
  • “Zen’s The Thing”
  • “Be Present With Me”

A Funny Thing Happened At The Last Supper
A light-hearted farce built around trying to figure out who is going to betray Jesus during the Last Supper. Full of mistaken identity, misunderstandings and hidden agendas practically ripped from your favourite "Three’s Company" episodes. Songs include:
  • "Who’s’ Gonna Do It?”
  • “Judas, Pass the Salt”
  • “Let’s Invite Some Women Next Time”
  • "Are You Going to Finish Your Hummus Jesus?”
Get your tickets early!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Rejected Smoking Warnings

The FDA has released nine new warning labels that must be on cigarette packages by the fall of 2012. The new warning labels include graphic examples of the physical and emotional damage caused by cigarettes along with warning such as "Tobacco smoke can harm your children" and "Quitting smoking now greatly reduces serious risks to your health".

While tobacco companies are protesting the new labels as overly biased and unconstitutional, they are milder than some of the earlier proposals:

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tough Times Ahead at Wal-Mart?

The US Supreme Court has ruled that there is not enough evidence of a nationwide policy of discrimination to conitnue a class action suit of all female employees against Wal-Mart, despite evidence to the contrary uncovered by Dogs and Jeans. Individuals or small groups are still able to bring a case against the retailer's local stores, however, the company has been spared the potential punitive result that often comes from a class action.

Sadly, the world's largest chain will be in a position to implement these even more draconian female staff policies at a Wal-Mart near you:
  • While male employees may participate in Movember, female employees are strictly forbidden from taking part in Julyna. There will be spot-checks "down there" just to make sure.
  • To reduce absenteeism, "one child per family" policy now in place. All hail the glorious People's Store!
  • Automotive, hardware and sporting goods now "Male Employee Only" departments.
  • New uniform for attractive employees - Slave Girl Princess Leia
  • New uniform for unattractive employees - Wookie
  • Wal-Mart to hire only from the Beautiful People dating website
  • New home-care line launched called "Get Back In The Kitchen!"
  • Overweight employees forced to adopt the Heidi Montag Exercise Plan.
  • Store-supplied BlackBerries fitted with GPS device to prevent roaming from assigned department.
  • Wal-Mart slogan "Save Money. Live Better" to be replaced by "Women Should Provide Heat in the Winter and Shade in the Summer." 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Extra Saturday Demotivation

The photos of hooligans and vandals continue to flood the Internet in the aftermath of Wednesday's riot in Vancouver. To help these individuals feel more like the jerks they are, and assist in any identifications leading to arrests, Dogs and Jeans presents this special Demotiavtional Poster edition. We hope it is as enlightening as yesterday's.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Friday Demotivation - Vancouver Riot 2011

Regardless of whether you cared about the result of Wednesday's Game Seven Stanley Cup Final between the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks, you could not help but be shocked (and disgusted) by the subsequent riot. A pre-disposed group of anarchists and criminals used the gathering of tens of thousands of fans to incite violence and destruction in one of North America's cleanest and most humane cities. The police have already made more than a hundred arrests of trouble makers and, thanks to Facebook and other social media sites, will make hundreds more.

To lament this infamous day, and to stand as a cautionary tale to others who believe their mindless actions are safe within the mob, Dogs and Jeans presents the special Vancouver Riot Edition of Friday Demotivation.

And just to demonstrate that these are the actions of a few, far more Vancouver hockey fans volunteered on Thursday to clean everything up.

Update: The young couple making out between police lines has been identified. Apparently she had been knocked down and he was trying to calm her (by giving her a pelvic exam). Last week he seduced a woman during an apartment fire and slipped the tongue to a sedated woman in an ER.