Canadian Election: Final Update With Election Day coming up this Monday, today will be the last Campaign Update on Dogs and Jeans. It has been an interesting campaign, with gaffes and drama. The fortunes of the party leaders have risen and fallen in shocking ways. Now it is up to the voters to decide.
However, odds makers have surprised many with their recently published listing of Election Day Odds:
3 to 1 that Jack Layton's NDP will form the opposition
5 to 1 that Stephen Harper's Conservatives will win a majority government
6 to 1 that Natalie Portman will have her baby on Election Day. 23 to 1 that she will name the baby "Ottawa" in recognition of that.
8 to 1 that Michael Ignatieff's Liberals will win a minority government.
"Desperate Housewives" and urge people to vote for the Green Party.
20 to 1 that Barack Obama's birth certificate is a fake and he was actually born in Saskatchewan. 30 to 1 he resigns immediately and seeks the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada.
Post Election Update:
Conservatives won a majority, the NDP are the Opposition and the jury is still out on Obama's birth certificate (but he did kill bin Laden, so that does point to him being Canadian!).
"Kanye West Disrupts Royal Wedding. America Braces For War"
London - Across the British Empire today, millions of citizens loyal to the Crown are outraged by the actions of Kanye West during yesterday's televised wedding ceremony of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The event billed as the “Wedding of the Century” was supposed to be the epitome of grace and regal splendour. The wedding of the man second in line to the crown to his college sweetheart was intended to recall the innocence of his late mother Princess Dianna. Royal watchers also hoped the nuptials would bring to a close a sad period in British history.
Instead the dignity of the event rapidly descended into chaos when popular rap singer Kanye West jumped from the rear of Elton John’s Friends box and ran up the aisle. The controversial singer appeared to have planned the interruption as he carried his own wireless amplification unit. West’s microphone had been patched into the Westminster Abbey speaker system. As the Archbishop of Canterbury began asking the Prince if he would take Ms. Middleton, West rushed up the steps to the alter and said:
‘Yo Archbishop, Imma gonna let you finish, but the Grace Kelly/Prince Rainier wedding was the best Royal Wedding of all time!”
While the numerous decorated royal military personnel seemed too stunned by the interruption to act, the first person to come the royal couple’s defense was English actor Daniel Craig. Craig, the current James Bond, leapt from several rows back to tackle West at the knees. The rapper went down hard but not before shouting “The Queen hates Welsh people!”
As if upon queue, the entire congregation broke out into a riot as undercover SAS officers hastily ushered William and Kate out through the nave and into a waiting limousine. Through the melee such odd partisan combatant pairings such as Lil’ Wayne vs Rick Astley and Tobey Keith vs Boy George.
The wedding ceremony not yet complete, neither wanted to head out on their honeymoon. However, singer Taylor Swift has offered her support to Kate Middleton in the form of a sentimental sonnet set to a light country melody with cross-over pop appeal.
I’m flying across the country today and thought I’d share a few random observations about air travel while sitting in the Calgary airport.
Having someone squeeze my feet to ensure that it was indeed the metal eyelets in my shoes that caused his detection wand to squawk does little to secure the plane from terrorists. However the pocket knife I always carry, and forgot to leave on the dresser this morning, made it past the inspection, so that’s reassuring.
It’s called a “belt”. Can you say that word? “Belt”? People use them to hold their pants up. Generally the buckle or clasp is made from metal. To my knowledge, belts pose to greater risk to the crew or passengers than the mini wine bottles on your service cart. Please don’t use the fact I am wearing a belt as an excuse to grope me further.
Why do the airport magazine shops sell Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler? I’m not opposed to porn (as any casual reader of Dogs and Jeans can attest), but I’m unsure of what purpose airport nudie mags serve. Is there a way to masturbate discretely on the plane? Should I engage my fellow passengers in a panel discussion of who is sexier: The Hotties of Latin Television or the Girls of the Pac 12?
I don’t feel guilty having a drink at 9:30 in the morning, as long as I’m in an airport. Is that weird?
When checking in baggage, ticket staff have an established procedure for accommodating golf clubs. However they look at a hockey stick like it’s a hazardous alien artefact. They puzzle and ponder, passing the odd device between themselves. They bring out a Baggage Specialist from the back. After much discussion, they decide the best course is to wrap the stick in a clear plastic bag large enough for a bicycle. And not just any bicycle; one of those old-timey penny-farthings. This is Canada for crying out loud! Why aren’t planes equipped with a hockey stick locker?
Call me old fashioned, but I still believe there is still a dress code for flying on an airplane. Maybe not the suit and fedora dress-up I remember from the days when you still were served a meal with silverware, but at least “neat and tidy”. If you insist on wearing sweat pants, then take the bus. Shorts and flip-flops are reserved for those passengers flying to Mazatlan, not Moose Jaw.
Suitcases on wheels are the airport equivalent of pets.
The staff of Dogs and Jeans hope you have great spring weather where you live to celebrate with your family. If you have neither, then take the time to read through all the old posts of Dogs and Jeans to give your life meaning.
Week 4 Update of the Canadian Federal Election: In Which the Campaign Ads Turn Negative
With only two weeks left in the federal election campaign, the major parties have taken off the gloves. TV and radio commercials which had initially presented each party’s unique vision of a happy, healthy and prosperous nation under their government, have now grown scary. The campaign no longer offers voters a chance to elect a government they want. Rather, the ads are intended to frighten people away from each party’s rival. However, some are so negative, they may discourage people from voting altogether.
Here are some excerpts from several ads:
"And he hates old people and immigrants!"
"He will remove your children and sell them for medical experiments!"
"Don't let him poison puppies and kitties for a second time!"
"And a whole lot of cussing in church!"
"Or did he? Better watch you back Mr. and Mrs. Ontario!"
"And it won't be the sexy futuristic femme-bot love-warriors he promised last election!"
The recent surge in gas prices has resulted in a financial windfall for Alaska. While the other 49 states are struggling with deficits and debt repayment, America's northernmost state is in an enviable position: a budget surplus. However, in a "use it or lose it" funding model, Alaskan legislators are scrambling to add spending measures to the budget for fear that the federal government could demand any excess funds. Some of these "necessary expenditures" are questionable, if not outright wasteful:
Compete with Siberia by beginning construction of an Alien Welcome Centre complete with decompression chambers, "space fuel" ports and a replica of the Star Wars cantina.
Ammunition used in the "Sara Palin Invitational Wolf Shoot" will be packed with gold flakes and diamonds.
Build a 100,000 acre greenhouse in Denali Park. Plant tangerine trees. Rename Alaska "The Tangerine State". Plus no more scurvy!
Street lights in Nome are being replaced with banks of stadium lights to reduce the Seasonally Affected Disorder brought on by reduced hours of sunlight during winter months.
Kara DioGuardi is an attractive, 40 year old woman of marginal accomplishment who could use a break... Lets spend a few million to make her governor.
A last ditch appeal using a very expensive, multimedia presentation might convince the Royal Couple to honeymoon in the world famous Aleutian Islands.
A day after Dogs and Jeans reported that Standard and Poor had downgraded the US's economic outlook from "stable" to "negative", President Obama is reaching out the the public with his own positive message. In a campaign style national tour, the President is employing the same type of messaging that won him the 2008 election. However, will telling the public that deficit spending represents positive "change" be enough to inspire the confidence of the financial industry?
The Dogs and Jeans Sexy Marketing Geniuses feels he might need to use stronger language during press conferences to distract from the impending economic disaster:
(hold up a piece of poster board divided into four squares. Each square contains the flag of Egypt, Syria, Libya and the USA begin singing the Sesame Street song "One of These Things is Not Like the Others". With a Sharpie, start drawing dollar signs all over the US square. People will get the idea.)
"Remember the BP Oil Spill? That worked out okay didn't it?"
"Holy Cow!! Look over there everyone!" (then sneak away)
Standard & Poor's Ratings Service has changed it's outlook on the American deficit level from "Stable" to "Negative". The stock market has reacted accordingly this morning with stocks plummeting and wealth being lost from multiple portfolio's. While much of the current activity is being blamed on the government's inability to present a balanced budget, the signs of a weak economy have been evident for some time. You just have to know where to look:
Former Tiger Woods mistress Rachael Uchitel can no longer survive on disclosures to the media alone and has begun a career as a private investigator. Critics are concerned even her over-sized sunglasses will not be enough to ensure any discretion while she creeps around in people's trash sleuthing for clues.
Fans of M. Night Shyamalan are trying to raise the $150,000 necessary to send the director back to film school in an effort to prevent him from making another travesty like "The Happening" or "The Last Airbender".
With too little money available to meaningful health care reform, the Obama government has launched a new "citizen driven" self-protection campaign entitled "Helmets 24/7!".
Women's Heath magazine could only afford a tiny pair of cut-off shorts and a tube-top for Julianne Hough's recent cover shoot. Economists expect the June edition cover will feature Audrina Partridge wearing only well positioned electrical tape.
It is long overdue. What you may ask? At long last, Bacon, North America's favorite meat product, is receiving a special Friday Demotivational Poster series. Please enjoy the smoky flavour and nitrate-enriched goodness of these posters honoring the only meat to be used as a condiment.
Trooper Thorn is an avid outdoorsman and naturalist. He is a regular contributer to magazines and periodicals, as well as having written two previous novels.
Trooper lives on Vancouver Island with his wife, six children and an active yellow Labrador.