Thursday, March 31, 2011

Crisis in Canada*

International observers are concerned that Canada will descend into anarchy if events this week are any indication of things to come. In a shocking move, a consortium of broadcasters has refused to allow Green Party leader Elizabeth May to take part in two televised leaders debates later in April. Even though the Green Party runs a distant 5th in popular support and has never elected anyone to parliament, many feel this is the "thin edge of the wedge" that could lead to a complete ban of all opposition parties.

"We've seen one party rule in Iraq, Egypt, Libya and Arizona," said an unnamed Green Party member. "Is this what the world wants for the largest country on North America? Think about it. Peacekeepers from Holland and the Ukraine roaming our streets? Is that what you want?!"

While the UN has not taken an official position on Canada's potential oppressive restrictions on political freedom, rumors abound of a secret NATO plan to occupy Quebec, Alberta and the Northwest Territories in an effort to protect civilians that might get caught in the crossfire between government forces and rebel lumberjacks and lacrosse players.

The tension on Canadian streets is palpable. "Elizabeth who?' asked Doug Chapeau from Winnipeg. "I'll think about the election after the curling is done for the winter." He then nervously slipped into a nearby Tim Horton's where he sipped coffee and laughed with friends for 45 minutes. Clearly, these are a people living under severe tension.

*While Canadians struggle on in the absence of a government, each Thursday Dogs and Jeans will present a weekly update on election issues.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Obama Pledges to Burn Celebrities

In a bold move today, President Obama announced plans to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil. Citing the need to increase national security, the President suggested several initiatives that were both innovative and controversial. Among expanding the use of oil alternatives like natural gas and biofuels, he stressed the importance of creating more fuel-efficient vehicles.

Obama's most surprising idea presented was the exploration of Hollywood, and to a lesser extent Manhattan, for celebrity fuel. Coined "Living Fossil Fuels", Obama announced plans to develop the nation's celebrities to create energy. "People with such highly developed egos burn with a white heat that is up to 10 times greater than normal people," the President declared to a rapt audience. "The cast of Desperate Housewives alone could power the lights in Philadelphia for up to month."  

Recognizing that celebrities are a national treasure on par with Yellowstone Park and the Alaskan wilderness, the President was careful to outline the stages of celebrity collection and consumption. Those voted off of reality TV shows like Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing With The Stars would be the first to be consumed in California's furnaces. This would then be followed stars in syndication but no longer working, like the cast of Friends, Sex and The City and The Sopranos. "They will not be missed and their legacy will be warm homes, cook meals and power children's night lights for hours."

As celebrity fuels, or CF's as they were described, increase in popularity and extraction efficiency, the Department of Energy would turn it attention to extraction from entire networks such as UPN, FOX and the CW. "There are new shows of beautiful, arrogant, young people launched nearly everyday there," said a Whitehouse spokesperson. "Shows like 90210 can supply a steady stream of minor, sexy celebrities to power our cars, farms and businesses."

"By 2015 we expect the technology to improve to the point where someone like John Travolta or Tyra Banks could generate as much electricity as the Hoover Dam," said Obama. However he didn't rule out supplementing CF plants with non-celebrity participants voted of shows like American Idol. "It's not just about improving our economy, it's about our freedom."

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Shania Twain Torments Wal-Mart Employees?

It's only the first day of the hearing and already the Wal-Mart Discrimination case is in trouble. In opening arguments before the US Supreme Court, lawyers are trying to justify why hundreds of female workers from across the America should be allowed to petition in one large class-action suit. However, the High Court appears to be reluctant to accept the position that all women have suffered the same level of discrimination and that it is part of a corporate policy within the US's largest private employer. Worse still are some of the other claims of workplace indignities that have been included which weaken the plaintiffs' position entirely:
  • During the store-wide release of Jackass 3D, employees were forced to recreate the final stunt where Steve-O was launched in the air while inside a portable toilet  filled with various types of excrement.
  • The launch of Shania Twain's clothing line was accompanied by subjecting employees to repeated playing of her CD's in the store. A similar charge of torture was brought before the UN Human Rights Council but was rejected.
  • April was declared to be "We Pay Your Taxes" Month at select stores where employees were expected to contribute 10% of their pay towards customer's income tax, until April 15.
  • Employees with daughters between 14 and 17 were encouraged to bring them in for "Hannah Montana Daze". However, rather than being provided with age appropriate Disney Hannah Montana costumes, girls were encouraged to dress instead as "Side Boob" Miley Cyrus.
  • At a Jackson Hole, Wyoming store visit by rocker Bret Michaels, female employees were expected to participate in an impromptu version of Michael's reality show "Rock of Love". While most found the event demeaning, the real issue was that three "contestants" contracted chlamydia just by being in close proximity of the notorious rocker.
  • As part of a Post-Holiday campaign, employees were encouraged to "get back in shape" with a %15 discount on all fitness equipment. Those who unable to meet the company mandated weight loss schedule were posted on MuffinTop.org.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Who’s Your Body Double?

Despite real news stories that significantly impact millions of people, such as the ongoing insurgency in Libya and the international community's military reactions, continued nuclear fallout in Japan, and Canada's upcoming election, the Web is rocked today by the shocking news that Natalie Portman used a body double! According to sources, an experienced dancer provided many, if not most, of the complex ballet scenes in the movie Black Swan. Fans are horrified to learn that Portman's self-emaciation may have been her only contribution to the Oscar she won.

However, movie fans should long remember other examples of stars who used a body double to perform tasks they themselves were not sufficiently trained for:
  • Jennifer Beals had another dancer stand in for most of the “Flash Dance” performance pieces, including the famous "water drop" strip scene.
  • The hands performing the cooking in "Julie/Julia" were not Amy Adams‘s, but those of Martha Stewart.
  • In "Rambo", Sylvester Stallone is seen stitching his arm without the benefit of anaesthetic. However, the arm was not his but belonged to "Swamp Thing" actress Adrianne Barbeau who had passed out in his trailer earlier that day.
  • While it appears Elizabeth Taylor fought with Richard Burton and threw her scotch glass at him during the drunk rampage scenes in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe?", it was actually an unscripted moment when Zsa Zsa Gabor snuck onto the set in a jealous rage. Director Mike Nicols decided to keep the scene.
  • The popular Flintstones episode "The Swimming Pool", required Barney to float on his back. Due to a genetic condition that caused a significant imbalance in the ration of his body fat to muscle, a swimming stand-in was required. While Wally Gator was the natural choice, the other characters were concerned about his past bouts of aggression. The less well know Peter Potamus was chosen but several filters were required on the camera lenses to hid the fact that he was a hippopotamus wearing a pith helmet.
  • Any time displays of affection were required  between Jon and Kate Gosselin in "Jon & Kate Plus 8", they were replaced by two Barbary macaques. As a side note, after the Gosselins separated, the two macaques filed a motion to assume custody of the Gosselin children. The court nearly agreed citing the fact that the macaques threw less feces than Jon, before finding for Kate on the condition she never dance publicly again.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Demotivation: Animal Edition

It's time once again for the wildly popular All Animal Friday Demotivational posters. Yuck it up with these cute and cuddly animals in all their anthropomorphized hilarity.













See you all next week!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Liz Taylor to Delay Canadian Election?

News from Canada:
Political maneuvers are underway in Ottawa to topple the minority Conservative government and force a federal election later this spring. Prime Minister Stephen Harper has been unable to convince the opposition parties to support the 2011 budget. In the parliamentary system, such a vote of non-confidence requires the dissolution of the government and will send Canadians to the polls within six weeks.

However, this activity is far from the level of unrest and popular uprisings seen recently in Egypt, Libya and Yemen. In fact, it is expected that this election will continue the trend of low voter turnout that has plagued the Canadian system for at least two generations. Dogs and Jeans Crack Political Consultants have conducted a phone survey to identify the reasons why voters will be staying away from the polls this year:
  • "I can't decide to vote for Flabby Guy, Scary Guy, Arrogant Guy or Crazy Guy."
  • "I can't follow the Stanley Cup playoffs and election coverage too."
  • "I'm boycotting Elections Canada until they let you vote multiple times like they do in Zimbabwe."
  • "I haven't been able to cast a vote since the whole "Canadian Idol" debacle."
  • "There are even fewer female candidates than on The Bachelor."
  • "No time. Too busy working on my screenplay about three roommate supermodels and a wisecracking robot."
  • "I'm not risking casting a ballot if the voting booth is not a peanut-free zone."
  • "I didn't know [insert name of your province or territory here] was still part of Canada."
  • "Aren't only federal prisoners allowed to vote now?"
  • "Not enough parties to choose from any more."
  • "I'll only vote if it's an app on my iPad."
  • "If I vote, then I'll have to register my guns."
  • "An election this soon after Elizabeth Taylor's death? Have you no compassion?"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bonds Blames The Internet

The perjury trial of Barry Bonds continues today in San Francisco. Bonds' attorney has tried dismissing allegations that Bonds knowingly took steroids. However, the jury no longer will accept the initial explanations that Bonds thought he was taking simple flax seed oil or applying arthritis creams. Bonds' lawyers have had to invent some increasingly elaborate excuses for Bonds' obvious performance improvements:
  • Bond's consumes large quantities of dairy products originating from near Japan's Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant.
  • He had no reason to mistrust the advice of Michael Jackson's doctor.
  • Bond's would take anything to prevent the onset of adult diabetes once it was labeled as "The Silent Killer".
  • Julia Miller acia berry diet announcementInternet reporter Julia Miller was so convincing about the benefits of the Acai Berry Diet. Who knew they made muscles, and your forehead, grow so big?
  • His training regime was not for baseball, but for his long-held desire to be invited on "Dancing With The Stars" with Kirstie Alley.
  • Bonds was preparing his body "like a ninja zombie" to launch a one-man attack on Hosni Mubarak, or Moammar Gadhafi or Barack Obama or whichever other foreign dictator was still in power when he was ready.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

That's Gold!

This weekend,the local cable provider ran a free preview of their new channel "Comedy Gold" featuring classic sit-coms of the 60's, 70's & 80's. While they play pretty fast and loose with the definition of "classic" (eg. "Full House" is only classic in the same way the invasion of Grenada was a "classic" armed conflict), I had the chance to relive some great shows from the past. Please share my observations:

The Andy Griffith Show
Makes you long for a simpler time, when the clocked moved slower, peach pie was always fresh and airport security was a kindly Civil War vet wishing you a safe flight.

The Dick Van Dyke Show
That Laura sure could wear the shit out of a pair of stirrup pants!

The Bob Newhart Show
This was a show about nothing before "Seinfeld" was a show about nothing. Easily the best opening theme of any TV program before or after.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show
That Mary sure could wear the shit out of pair of slacks!

SCTV
Genius. Fucking genius.

Rhoda
What's with all the scarves? Eh, it was okay, but to be critical makes one appear anti-Semitic.

Night Court
There was a time in America when every stand up comic got his own TV show, whether he deserved it or not. Why Markie Post wasn't a bigger star remains a mystery.

Designing Women
I never cared for this show, but some girl-on-girl action might have changed my mind.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Will falls for Queen Latifah, even though she's fat. It's good to see that we've all changed our ideas of beauty in the last 20 years because of that episode. Oh, we haven't? Never mind.

Murphy Brown
Was this considered a comedy? Don't you have to laugh once in a while for a show to be funny?

Newhart
Not as good as "The Bob Newhart Show" but still better than 95% of the crap on now.

The Kids In The Hall
Genius. More fucking genius.


Monday, March 21, 2011

Signs You Might Be A Human Shield

On Sunday, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi gathered foreign journalists to his presidential compound as a means to ward off coalition air strikes. It is not the first time that the embattled president has put civilians in harms way. However, the success of this maneuver might compel other heads of state facing civil unrest to round up members of the press to protect them.

Dogs and Jeans offers the following suggestions to reporters who might be wondering if they are at risk: 
  • Renee Zellweger calls to say she is looking forward to playing you in the movie about the tragedy, even if you are a man. Then asks how much weight she will need to put on
  • Your new office-supplied IPhone comes with a the new "Incoming Missile Detection" app. The alarm goes off almost immediately.
  • Dominoes Pizza hangs up when you give your location. THe Falafel Hut won't deliver either.
  • The only airline that book your return flight is piloted by John Travolta.
  • Even though this is supposed to be a serious news story, TV Azteca's Ines Sainz has joined the group. She keeps asking to feel the General's bicep and giggling.
  • The President/Prime Minister/Mullah/Shiek
  • The reporter from The Daily Prophet keeps uttering protection spells and checking to see if his invisibility cloak is handy.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Friday Demotivation

Thanks to everyone for continuing to visit Dogs & Jeans the last couple of days while the offices were closed. It's great you all take the time to catch up on old (meaning "classic") postings. it makes it worth the time to put in all that blood and sweat and beer and tears but no urine.

How is your NCAA March Madness bracket? Are you leading in your pool or is the whole thing shot to hell after Vanderbilt and St. John's both lost?

Anyway, here are some Demotional Posters to distract you over the weekend. Back next week with more jackassery.













Tuesday, March 15, 2011

How To Win March Madness

It’s that time of year again: March Madness. And as everyone knows, the most important part about the NCAA tournament is not the quality of basketball, but how you fill out your Bracket! Unless you have tiger blood coursing through your veins, you might need a little help to make picks that can put you over the top in your pool.



For the past two years, Dogs and Jeans has provided selection advice using the most scientific processes available at the time. You can review the old methodology here.


Thanks to extensive research, and plenty of tequila, the 2011 Bracket Process is vastly improved. So unless you are a rock star from mars with Adonis DNA, read on!


First Four:
Are you kidding? If you guys were good enough to make the tournament, you would have made the tournament. Don’t waste your time with these chumps (although it might be a tight battle between USC and VCU for cheerleader supremacy).








First Round:
If the difference between seeds is greater than 2, go with a top seed. For example, North Carolina is ranked second against 15th seed Long Island. 15 minus 2 is 13, so the pick has to be North Carolina. Where the difference is 2 or less, as in the case with #8 UNLV vs #9 Illinois, pick the team with the better win/loss record. In the situation where the records are equal ask yourself which Dancing With the Stars celebrity each team reminds you of. If any team is a “Bristol Palin”, dump her, I mean, it.



Second Round:
Now comes the strategy. The picks here depend on they type of pool you are in. For a small pool, you need to play it safe and play the odds of getting as many of you teams to go through to the Final Four. Stick with the ranked teams using the system above. Your #1 and #2 teams in each region should be into the next round.


However, if you are in a big pool, you need a Cinderella team nobody else has picked to set you apart from the others. Who are these Bracket Busters? We’re talking Old Dominion, Temple, Marquette etc. Here’s where your gut comes into play. Ask yourself, “If this team was a woman on The Bachelor, which woman would she be: Crazy Girl or Girl Next Door?” In a basketball tournament, the Crazy Girl always wins.


Sweet 16:
Now you have to do some serious thinking. If you have followed the methodology you now have 16 teams, half of which are football schools and half are basketball schools. Take the basketball school every time. However if both are traditional football schools, go back to the old cheerleader test. What’s hotter: A nice Mormon girl from Utah, or a Florida marketing major who spends her free time doing Pilates and frolicking on the beach?












Quarter Finals:
Only eight teams left. By now your bracket is either worthless and you can return to your life, or you are still in the thick of things but have lost most of your friends, plenty of sleep and are barely hanging on to your job. So press that pedal down and go for the glory!

Picks here are relatively easy. Like Clint Eastwood making movies or Elizabeth Taylor getting married, experience matters. You only want veterans getting through to the Final Four. For each match up, decide which team has been this far in the tournament in the last three years.

Final Four:
It’s now April. The weather is nicer. There’s gardening, and picnics and tossing a baseball with your kids on your access weekends. So don’t dwell on it any longer than you have to. Do you still have Duke and Kansas? Good. Move them through to the semi’s and get on with what’s left of your miserable life.


Championship game:
Got a coin? Flip it and see you next year!

Monday, March 14, 2011

How You Can Help Japan

With the continued coverage of devastation in Japan over the weekend, there is very little inspiration for the normal jackassery found here at Dogs & Jeans.However, there have been some positive steps taken by the international community. The US, as always,has been first to lend support with troops, medicine, aid and supplies, followed by other allies Canada, Great Britain and Australia, but they are not alone. As many as 70 other nations, including normally isolationist China and struggling Afghanistan have provided money and aid to the victims.

In that same spirit, Dogs and Jeans wanted to provide you with a catalogue of agencies where you can make a donation to help out Japanese brothers and sisters. Google is coordinating a relief effort here: http://www.google.com/crisisresponse/japanquake2011.html

If you want to donate to an organization in your home country, you can follow the links below:US Agencies:
AMERICAN RED CROSS: Emergency Operation Centers are opened in the affected areas and staffed by the chapters. This disaster is on a scale larger than the Japanese Red Cross can typically manage. Donations to the American Red Cross can be allocated for the International Disaster Relief Fund, which then deploys to the region to help.



GLOBALGIVING: Established a fund to disburse donations to organizations providing relief and emergency services to victims of the earthquake and tsunami.


SAVE THE CHILDREN: Mobilizing to provide immediate humanitarian relief in the shape of emergency health care and provision of non-food items and shelter.


SALVATION ARMY: The Salvation Army has been in Japan since 1895 and is currently providing emergency assistance to those in need.


AMERICARES: Emergency team is on full alert, mobilizing resources and dispatching an emergency response manager to the region.


CONVOY OF HOPE: Disaster Response team established connection with in-country partners who have been impacted by the damage and are identifying the needs and areas where Convoy of Hope may be of the greatest assistance.


INTERNATIONAL MEDICAL CORPS: Putting together relief teams, as well as supplies, and are in contact with partners in Japan and other affected countries to assess needs and coordinate activities.


SHELTER BOX: The first team is mobilizing to head to Japan and begin the response effort.

Canadian Agencies:
CANADIAN RED CROSS: Call toll free at 1-800-418-1111 or visit the webpage dedicated to providing relief in Japan.



CANADAHELPS: Check here for an indepth listing of Canadian charities providing aid to those in need.


OXFAM CANADA: Teams and partner organizations are on-site and monitoring the situation from the ground.

ADRA CANADA: ADRA Japan has extensive experience with providing national and international support to those affected by such disasters. Visit the website or call 1.888-274-2372.


Christian Reformed World Relief Committee: Making arrangements with Christian partners on the grounds of Japan to provide emergency aid. Visit the website or call 1-800-552-7972.

DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS: Donate here or call 1-800-982-7903.


UNICEF: Closely monitoring the situation in Japan and prepared to provide assistance and relief.

PLAN INTERNATIONAL CANADA: Has activated its emergency response teams currently stationed throughout Asia.

WORLD VISION CANADA: Donations will help the organization to rush supplies such as food, clothing, blankets and shelter to those in need. Donate here or call 1-800-844-7993.


Great Britain:
The British Red Cross is collecting funds to support the Japanese Red Cross which is playing a leading role in the disaster response.



Save the Children, World Vision and Oxfam are supporting the work of their colleagues in Japan.
 
Islamic Relief is assessing the situation and considering its response.
 
Australia:
SAVE THE CHILDREN: Mobilising to provide immediate humanitarian relief in the shape of emergency health care and provision of non-food items and shelter. Call 1800 76 00 11 or visit http://www.savethechildren.org.au/  



RED CROSS: Donors can contribute to the relief efforts by calling 800-733-27677 or visiting http://www.redcross.org/. Each text message is a $10 donation to the Red Cross, which will be added to the donors’ next cellphone bill.

MERCY CORPS: Mercy Corp has not sent its own team to Japan but it set up a donation fund for its partner, Peace Winds Japan, and its emergency assistance on the ground. To make a donation, call 888-747-7440 or visit http://www.mercycorps.org/donate/japan .


MEDICAL TEAMS INTERNATIONAL: Medical Teams International is also on alert and staying closely in touch with its nine partners along the coast and in Japan. To donate to Medical Teams International, visit http://www.medicalteams.org/.

DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS: Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) is an international humanitarian aid organisation that provides emergency medical assistance to populations in danger in more than 60 countries. MSF workers are already on ground in Japan, assessing the situation. For more visit http://www.msf.org/msf/donations/donations_home.cfm


DFAT: Assistance helpline: +61 2 6261 3305. DFAT hotline for Australians concerned about family and friends: 1300 555 135. Visit http://www.dfat.gov.au/

Friday, March 11, 2011

Friday Emergency Demotivation

We are expecting a Tsunami here in the Pacific Northwest, so there is only time for a quick Demotivational Poster posting as we run for higher ground! Hope to see you all again Monday.