North Korea Declares War On Christmas

In a surprise move, New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has declared war on the North Pole. “As the name indicates, the North Pole is ‘North’ and belongs to the magnificent Peoples Republic of North Korea,” states the proclamation delivered to the UN today. Santa’s Workshop, Christmas Town, all elf residents and even the Reindeer Stables and surrounding pasture lands are listed as territory for annexation. The announcement from Pyongyang names Santa Claus as the “Evil Despot” and all residents of latitudes above 80 degrees as “enemy combatants”.


While it is unclear if the communist state plans to invade or if this is merely posturing, Kim Jong-un has made it clear that any trespass over North Korea on Christmas Eve will be considered an Act of War. “Should the Imperialist Oppressor Claus dare to violate the pure airspace of the Divine Kingdom on the Night of Capitalistic Hedonism (December 25), the Great Successor will take action,” said a spokesman for the governing Korean Workers Party. “All sleighs, reindeer, toys and diminutive magical people will be blown from the sky by the sheer will of the Leader’s Glorious Mind, and a series of surface-to-air missiles.”

Political experts have been predicting some show of aggression from the new leader, following his surprise ascension to the throne after the death of his father Kim Jong-Il on Monday. “At only 28 years old, and without the years needed behind the scenes to consolidate his support, Jong-un must move quickly to demonstrate he is every bit as ruthless as his father,” said John McDonald of the Center for Asian-Pacific Studies in Washington DC. “I would have expected a missile launched into the Sea of Japan or perhaps a minor skirmish along the DMZ. This unprovoked confrontation with Mr. Kringle comes as a complete surprise and means all bets are off.” Experts fear future hostility may be directed towards other targets previously considered safe from conflict: Disney World, New Zealand, the annual Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Show etc.

Santa Claus declined to comment on the pronouncement but a North Pole spokeself told Dogs & Jeans that plans for Christmas will continue unchanged. “Most people don’t know this but Santa actually keeps three lists: Nice, Naughty and Crackpot,” said Dingle Kringle. “Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler, Danielle Steele, all tried to take over the North Pole with no success. Santa has and always will prevail motherf%^$*r! Booyah!”