Thursday, December 1, 2011

Drunk Girls

drunk girls kissing on beer keg
Week after week, one of the biggest Google search terms that brings people to Dogs & Jeans is "drunk girls". This is a curious circumstance since I have never featured an article about drunk girls and the phrase itself only appear in one post out of over 300. At first, I considered this to simply be a gratuitous search for images of passed out co-eds for which the blog was lucky benefactor. After all, Dogs & Jeans is more devoted to political satire (perhaps of marginal quality but satire none the less) than it is to partying.

When I read Yahoo's list of the Top Ten searches of 2011, I began to change my mind. Six of the listings (Casey Anthony, Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry, Jennifer Lopez, Lindsey Lohan and Jennifer Aniston) are girls and I'm pretty sure each has been drunk at some point. In fact, three are famous precisely for what they get up to when they are drunk.

That got me thinking that there must be more to this "Drunk Girl" phenomenon. After some careful research, I learned that much of world history has turned on events involving drunk girls:

Cleopatra VII: Solidification of her hold on the Ptolemaic throne occurred only after a bacchanalian night spent with Julius Caesar. After his assassination, her affair with Marc Anthony was ended when they were both too drunk to defeat Octavian's forces at the Battle of Actium. The end to the classic Egyptian period followed shortly as Rome absorbed Egypt as a province. Ironically Cleopatra was sober when she committed suicide by asp bite.

The Battle of Hastings: The Norman conqueror William was losing the battle to the forces of English King Harold II in October 1066, despite the Norman advantage of mounted soldiers. Legend has it that a hay wagon carrying eight drunk maidens passed by the battlefield and several women removed their bodices. Their bountiful bosoms so distracted Harold, he was shot in the eye with an arrow. In the aftermath the English forces were overrun and hold on the British throne was forever changed.

Martin Luther
The Protestant Reformation: Martin Luther did not set out to denounce the Roman Catholic Church in 1517 when he began writing his 95 Theses. Luther began with a simple letter to his fiance Agatha who he had observed in carnal relations with a local bard after too many flagons of ale. What started as an epistle of condemnation for her drunken behaviour became a lecture on morality. Before Luther stopped writing, he had disputed the Pope's claim as the sole connection to God on earth, rejected the belief that freedom from God's punishment for sin could be purchased with money and embraced salvation through acceptance of Jesus Christ rather than the decisions of priests. Agatha, meanwhile, married a Wittenberg linen merchant, bore nine children and died of cirrhosis at the ripe old age of 31.

Lexington & Concord: The famous "Shot Heard Round The World" was not fired by either British or Revolutionary forces. The first skirmish of the American War of Independence was in fact sparked by an early morning domestic dispute. Silversmith Nathanial Harris had been confronted by his wife Elizabeth (who was drunk at the time) for carrying on an affair with the miller's wife Faith Benbridge. No evidence to support her claim has been produced, but the story is that in a state of inebriation, an agitated Elizabeth ambushed him at his shop and blew out the window with musket fire as Nathaniel fled down the street. British troops responded and swarmed the street leading the militia to suspect an armed takeover. The battle ensued and less than a year later, the Declaration of Independence was drafted.

Elizabeth Taylor Cleopatra
Cleopatra (The Movie): The 1963 epic is generally regarded as the most expensive flop in movie history. With a budget of $44 million, the historical drama grossed only $26 million. Much of the cost overruns were due to Elizabeth Taylor being drunk during critical mass crowd scenes and alcohol fueled fights with costar/husband Richard Burton delaying production. Insurance for film investment soon became mandatory for all big budget movies, leading to the rise of the independent film industry.

I hope we have all learned not to underestimate the impact of drunk girls. While the majority of time their antics might be limited to nipple slips and embarrassing kissing YouTube clips, sometimes one girl holding a puking girlfriend's hair can change the world.


Doug Stephens said...

The Shot Hear 'Round the World was actually a drunk chick. I think I knew that deep in my heart already.

Trooper Thorn said...

Doug: People say you feel things on such a profound level.

Doug Stephens said...

Trooper: People are usually full of shit, but in this case they may be onto something. :)

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