Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas Advice

Coming into work this morning, I ran into noted advice columnist the Bus Doctor. He had just returned from some court-ordered therapy and seemed much better. I thought it was a good opportunity to have him answer some of the Christmas Questions that have been submitted from Dogs & Jeans readers. I was wrong.

What do I get for the person who has everything?
Clearly “Everything” is a generalization, since this person doesn’t have my pants. Ergo, they don’t possess all things. What you really mean is “what do I get for the person who appears to have all I could purchase for them?” I know one thing they don’t have: anthrax. (now available on eBay).

How can I keep from gaining weight over the holidays?
I hear this lament every December. With all the parties filled with goodies and smart cocktails, it’s easy to put on an extra 5, 10 or even 15 pounds by New Years. While I’m partial to a woman with a little extra “meat on her bones”, I’m not unsympathetic to your dilemma. If you are going to participate in some Christmas indulgences, then look for creative ways to burn those extra calories at the same time. When standing, try to walk in place vigorously. Filling your shoes with pennies can give you an additional leg workout. If your home has stairs, take extra trips when carrying laundry, infants, or guilty burdens up and down. When shaking hands with strangers, shake with the right hand, rest for 5 seconds, then shake with the left. This is one rep. Repeat twice more. For every present you open on Christmas morning, do 5 burpees. If it’s a really good gift, do 10.

I just started dating this great woman. What should I give her to let her know I care without scaring her off?
This is a tough one without knowing more about your relationship. If you have already slept together I always recommend RU486 or a couples STD treatment kit (also a good gift at the end of a relationship). If you are in the early throws of dating, where you still have the nervous butterflies of breathless anticipation, avoid jewellery (too aggressive) or car accessories (too impersonal). For my money, you can never go wrong with a home-make coupon book with delightful offers such as “Free Bellybutton Lint Removal”, “Free Chicken De-boning” and “I’ll Get Your Name Tattooed Across My Forehead”.

What do kids want this year?
People say Christmas is all about the kids. To them I say ‘Liars!” For me, Christmas has always been about the Birds of Prey. However, if you have to provide gift for a child, try to make it age appropriate. This year the most popular gifts include:
  • My Little Pony (that eats vagrants)
  • Little brother or sister (some assembly required)
  • Todd Palin Snowmobile Jr. (wolf hunt targets sold separately)
  • X Factor Home Edition: Simon’s Shame-fest
  • Tim Tebow Holy Roller Football Fun
  • Call of Duty 7: Zombie Hollywood PETA Convention
I’m spending Christmas with my husband’s family but we never got along. How can survive?
One word: Liquor.

What can I do to keep my Christmas tree looking fresh until the 25th?
Nothing sets a real Christmas mood like the smell and feel of a live Christmas tree. However, even with the most diligent watering, that pine or fir can really droop and fade long before the big day. To maintain that “fresh cut” feel, the most effective result comes from adding a vial of Justin Bieber’s blood to your tree water. The life essence of this Canadian heartthrob will ensure you don’t have a carpet covered with needles by New Year’s Day (or even Easter) (2013).

Merry Christmas from Dogs & Jeans (and the Bus Doctor)


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