Friday, December 30, 2011

Bowl Game Demotivation

We are deep into Bowl Season now with many people getting excited about the well known bowls like the Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl and the Meineke Car Care Bowl. But did you know the NCAA lists over 300 bowl games played between December 1 and January 10? You may want to put down your chicken wing and learn a bit about these lesser known American traditions.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What's In a Baby Name?

The last week of December is the common time to release the Lists of the Year. Today saw the publication of Yahoo's Top Baby Names for 2011. The Top 5 Names for girls are:
  1. Emma
  2. Olivia
  3. Sophia
  4. Isabella
  5. Eva

The Top 5 Names for boys are:
  1. Mason
  2. Liam
  3. Noah
  4. Ethan
  5. Jacob
While those are all very classy (end even a little Old Testamenty), it does make a person long for a simple time when boys were Doug, Greg and Paul and girls were Shelley, Barbara and Cindy.

I remember a time when there would be as many as four Mikes in a classroom. The teacher would have to assign last letter initials to distinguish Mike B from Mike R. Now the same is true Ethan D and Ethan S. And who would have thought that someday Heather and Shannon would be considered "old lady names" the way Ethel and Agnes are now?

Let's make 2012 the year we bring back some of the classic baby names! So long Logan and Madison; here's to little Bruce and Kelly. Take a hike Jayden and Brooklyn; here comes John and Karen.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

It's Still a Wonderful Demotivation

Merry Christmas Bloggy Readers! Dogs & Jeans' offices (and way I say "offices", I mean the cubicle I post from while on lunch break) will be closed until next Wednesday. I hope you all have a terrific holiday with your family and are not harassed by Courtney Stodden.

Please enjoy the following Demotivational Poster game: Can you guess which posters are from the classic Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and which ones are gratuitous postings of scantily clad women?

Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Carol Demotivation

Only two more sleeps until Christmas! What better time for some demotivational posters to accent your old-fashioned Christmas carol sing-alongs around the family piano, organ, harpsichord or steel drum. Remember to warm up your voice before trying to hit some of those high notes!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas Advice

Coming into work this morning, I ran into noted advice columnist the Bus Doctor. He had just returned from some court-ordered therapy and seemed much better. I thought it was a good opportunity to have him answer some of the Christmas Questions that have been submitted from Dogs & Jeans readers. I was wrong.

What do I get for the person who has everything?
Clearly “Everything” is a generalization, since this person doesn’t have my pants. Ergo, they don’t possess all things. What you really mean is “what do I get for the person who appears to have all I could purchase for them?” I know one thing they don’t have: anthrax. (now available on eBay).

How can I keep from gaining weight over the holidays?
I hear this lament every December. With all the parties filled with goodies and smart cocktails, it’s easy to put on an extra 5, 10 or even 15 pounds by New Years. While I’m partial to a woman with a little extra “meat on her bones”, I’m not unsympathetic to your dilemma. If you are going to participate in some Christmas indulgences, then look for creative ways to burn those extra calories at the same time. When standing, try to walk in place vigorously. Filling your shoes with pennies can give you an additional leg workout. If your home has stairs, take extra trips when carrying laundry, infants, or guilty burdens up and down. When shaking hands with strangers, shake with the right hand, rest for 5 seconds, then shake with the left. This is one rep. Repeat twice more. For every present you open on Christmas morning, do 5 burpees. If it’s a really good gift, do 10.

I just started dating this great woman. What should I give her to let her know I care without scaring her off?
This is a tough one without knowing more about your relationship. If you have already slept together I always recommend RU486 or a couples STD treatment kit (also a good gift at the end of a relationship). If you are in the early throws of dating, where you still have the nervous butterflies of breathless anticipation, avoid jewellery (too aggressive) or car accessories (too impersonal). For my money, you can never go wrong with a home-make coupon book with delightful offers such as “Free Bellybutton Lint Removal”, “Free Chicken De-boning” and “I’ll Get Your Name Tattooed Across My Forehead”.

What do kids want this year?
People say Christmas is all about the kids. To them I say ‘Liars!” For me, Christmas has always been about the Birds of Prey. However, if you have to provide gift for a child, try to make it age appropriate. This year the most popular gifts include:
  • My Little Pony (that eats vagrants)
  • Little brother or sister (some assembly required)
  • Todd Palin Snowmobile Jr. (wolf hunt targets sold separately)
  • X Factor Home Edition: Simon’s Shame-fest
  • Tim Tebow Holy Roller Football Fun
  • Call of Duty 7: Zombie Hollywood PETA Convention
I’m spending Christmas with my husband’s family but we never got along. How can survive?
One word: Liquor.

What can I do to keep my Christmas tree looking fresh until the 25th?
Nothing sets a real Christmas mood like the smell and feel of a live Christmas tree. However, even with the most diligent watering, that pine or fir can really droop and fade long before the big day. To maintain that “fresh cut” feel, the most effective result comes from adding a vial of Justin Bieber’s blood to your tree water. The life essence of this Canadian heartthrob will ensure you don’t have a carpet covered with needles by New Year’s Day (or even Easter) (2013).

Merry Christmas from Dogs & Jeans (and the Bus Doctor)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

North Korea Declares War On Christmas

In a surprise move, New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has declared war on the North Pole. “As the name indicates, the North Pole is ‘North’ and belongs to the magnificent Peoples Republic of North Korea,” states the proclamation delivered to the UN today. Santa’s Workshop, Christmas Town, all elf residents and even the Reindeer Stables and surrounding pasture lands are listed as territory for annexation. The announcement from Pyongyang names Santa Claus as the “Evil Despot” and all residents of latitudes above 80 degrees as “enemy combatants”.

While it is unclear if the communist state plans to invade or if this is merely posturing, Kim Jong-un has made it clear that any trespass over North Korea on Christmas Eve will be considered an Act of War. “Should the Imperialist Oppressor Claus dare to violate the pure airspace of the Divine Kingdom on the Night of Capitalistic Hedonism (December 25), the Great Successor will take action,” said a spokesman for the governing Korean Workers Party. “All sleighs, reindeer, toys and diminutive magical people will be blown from the sky by the sheer will of the Leader’s Glorious Mind, and a series of surface-to-air missiles.”

Political experts have been predicting some show of aggression from the new leader, following his surprise ascension to the throne after the death of his father Kim Jong-Il on Monday. “At only 28 years old, and without the years needed behind the scenes to consolidate his support, Jong-un must move quickly to demonstrate he is every bit as ruthless as his father,” said John McDonald of the Center for Asian-Pacific Studies in Washington DC. “I would have expected a missile launched into the Sea of Japan or perhaps a minor skirmish along the DMZ. This unprovoked confrontation with Mr. Kringle comes as a complete surprise and means all bets are off.” Experts fear future hostility may be directed towards other targets previously considered safe from conflict: Disney World, New Zealand, the annual Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Show etc.

Santa Claus declined to comment on the pronouncement but a North Pole spokeself told Dogs & Jeans that plans for Christmas will continue unchanged. “Most people don’t know this but Santa actually keeps three lists: Nice, Naughty and Crackpot,” said Dingle Kringle. “Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler, Danielle Steele, all tried to take over the North Pole with no success. Santa has and always will prevail motherf%^$*r! Booyah!”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Know Your Korean Dictators

For many years, the North Korean propaganda machine has kept the world informed of Kim Jong Il's nearly super-human abilities (sexual prowess, feats of strength, dulcet tenor voice etc.) In the wake of his death, more secrets are being revealed about this reclusive Man-God:
  • He was the director's first choice to play the role of Jethro on TV's "Beverly Hillbillies".
  • Felt Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was "a bit of a loose cannon."
  • His touch could turn base metals into gold. Solid gold records that is!
  • Actress Jessica Lange once called him "Asia's answer to Mikhail Baryshnikov."
  • His battle with anorexia prevented him from competing in the Men's Downhill event at the 1998 Winter Olympics.
  • A long standing feud with Snooki prevented a "Jersey Shore/Pyongyang" edition of the MTV show.
  • The Snuggie? His invention!
  • Kristin Wiig's signature character Gilly was originally performed by Il after a late night cabinet meeting.
  • Through sheer will power, he could reverse the flow of blood in his arteries and veins. It is even rumored that he once caused his left and right eyes to swap places.
  • John Bon Jovi used to call him to ask for lyrics that rhyme with words like "roses", "prayer", "glory" and "orange".
  • He came this close to seeking the 2012 US Republican presidential nomination.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Celebrity Christmas Demotivation

'Tis the season to poke fun at our national treasures: celebrities. In keeping with the spirit of the holidays, please enjoy these demotivational posters of Hollywood stars in Santa outfits.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Kim Kardashian Thinks!

Barbara Walters interviewed Kim Kardashian this week for her annual special "10 Most Fascinating People". The veteran reporter pulled no punches, asking the reality celebrity  tough questions about her sex tape, family squabbles, brief marriage and other touchy subjects. Walters even when so far as to question why the Kardashian sisters enjoy such fame when they have no actual talent. Kardashian appears uncomfortable throughout the interview and thanks to Dogs & Jeans patented mind-reading technology, now you know why:

Top Ten Thoughts Running Through Kim Kardashian's Mind With Barbara Walters:
  1. Why is this old lady screaming at me?
  2. If Ron Paul can motivate his identified support to get to the polls, he can win the Iowa caucuses.
  3. Did I eat lunch already?
  4. Is that tingling the botox wearing off?
  5. I have to remember to call Lindsey Lohan later.
  6. Do dee do do, dum da dum.
  7. All human suffering is the result of the ego's denial of reality.
  8. I like kitties.
  9. Does an annulment put me on Santa's Naughty list?
  10. My feet hurt.