Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Twilight Shockers!

The latest in the Twilight saga, "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" opened at theaters across North America this weekend. With gross sales of more than $138 million, the popular vampire movie had the fifth highest opening weekend ever. Even more surprising than the amount of money pouring in from teenage girls and moms-who-should-know-better, were some of the unexpected plot twists, most of which were not in Stephenie Meyer’s original book:
  • Edward tries to convince Bella that the "hand bra" is an acceptable part a vampire home life.
  • Alice Cullen tries to bite Steve Jobs so he can produce new iPhones for all eternity.
  • The vampires and werewolves unite to face a common enemy: a neo-nazi family in New Jersey that named their children Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation.
  • Singer Rihanna makes an appearance as a foul-mouthed, 800 year old vampire queen/dominatrix who inexplicably doesn't need any studio tricks on her voice.
  • Fears of an economic downturn reduced spending on the film's special effects to the point that outtakes from old "6 Million Dollar Man" episodes were used to portray any super-speed or super-strength.
  • It's revealed that Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband, is actually one of the werewolves, but only the sickly runt of the pack.
  • A secret cabal of evil vampires older than time itself are actively preventing the NCAA from replacing the BCS with a playoff system.
  • Edward and Bella's unborn child is a re-incarnation of Lord Voldemort.


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