Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Herman Cain Thanks Asteroid Collision


The threat of an asteroid destroying the Earth today comes as a great relief to Herman Cain. After a week of almost daily announcements of new accusations of sexual harassment, any distraction is welcome. Asteroid 2005 YU55, a piece of space rock the size of an aircraft carrier, is scheduled to fly between our planet and the moon later this afternoon. While this gap is enormous by Earth standards, it is minuscule relative to the enormity of the galaxy. A collision with Earth, and the catastrophic consequences, is a statistical probability.

This is good news for the nomination campaign of the former head of the National Restaurant Association which has been fighting off new allegations of abuse since Cain became a leader in the GOP presidential nomination race. "We've been looking for another story to take us off the front page," said a campaign worker who wished to remain anonymous. "We hoped it would be a "feel good" story about a cancer survivor or maybe some kid in a well, but at this point we'll take anything we can get."

While the risk of the collision with Asteroid 2005 YU55 is low, the hope that it's potential end to all life as we know it may be just what Herman Cain supporters need. The Cain camp has been disappointed with the lack of momentum by other stories such as collapse of the European economy, the conviction of Conrad Murray or even the Justin Bieber paternity suit. "Nothing seems to be keeping Cain's accusers off of the front pages. Even the Kim Kardasian divorce hasn't had the staying power we thought. Maybe a real life Armageddon will do the trick."

If the the mass extinction of Earth's plants, animals and even humans is not enough to divert the public's attention, campaign staff are prepared to hunker down for a long, bitter struggle. They are even praying something else will take over the media's attention. "With any luck Sarah Palin will kill a guy."

Nov 15 Update: The asteriod flew by just fine, but Herman Cain is crashing and burning.

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