Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Facebook To Print Currency

Facebook is expected to seek investment soon with a public IPO. Experts predict a stock valuation at over $100 billion which would make Facebook the wealthiest corporation on the planet. Pretty good for a company that doesn't actually make or sell anything!

But that may all change soon.

With such an infusion of money, Facebook will hold the majority of American cash forcing the National Treasury to default due to it's inability to back up it's legal tender. As the de facto holder of America's funds, Facebook is planning to issue its own currency into circulation. The basic unit of money will be the "Zuck" which would be roughly equivalent to a single US dollar prior to the current recession. 100 Zucks will be called a "Z-Berg".

Being the paragon's of economic efficiency, the financial experts at Facebook realize there is little need for much coinage for units less than a Zuck. They will issue only two types of coin: the "Like" which is worth 1/10th of a Zuck, and a 1/100th coin known as a 'Winklevoss".

The company plans to introduce its currency virtually on Facebook first in much the same way "World of Warcraft" has its own fantasy money. Facebook users will be issued with an allowance with which they can purchase apps and upgrades. It is intended that this will acclimate people to using the Zuck prior to putting it into general circulation.

Not to be outdone, Google is undertaking plans to launch it's own currency in Europe, beginning with a complete purchase of the nation of Greece. The "Goog" is expected to take over from the floundering Euro in 2013. Dogs and Jeans tried to contact Tom from MySpace for a comment but his phone had been disconnected.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Can Cain Save Campaign?

Amid more announcements of inappropriate behaviour with more women, Herman Cain and his staff are desperately trying to identify if he can stay in the Republican Nomination Race. Senior aides to the former head of Godfather's Pizza are holding a brainstorming session to come up with ideas to restore public support to the one-time front runner. Dogs & Jeans was invited to attend and share some of the ideas thrown out from the group.
  • "Say that we're the campaign that is 'Anti-Nazi'!"
  • "Sorority car wash."
  • "Take over the British Embassy in Tehran."
  • "Nothing says "presidential" like giving back rubs. Lots and lots of back rubs."
  • "Bake sale!"
  • "An Internet campaign featuring some older dude smoking."
  • "Everybody chillax and have a Jeffrey."
  • "Cure cancer"
  • "Host free pizza parties throughout the primary states but no anchovies. We all remember what happened to Michael Dukakus' campaign when he used anchovies."
  • "How about a cruise to Bimini?"
  • "I can't remember if that foundation for at-risk boys ate Penn State turned out well or not. Can "somebody look that up?"
  • "Collaborate with Jay-Z on a rap CD."
  • "Make ice cream tax free"
  • "Film a guest spot on Desperate Housewives."
  • "Could we get an endorsement from Justin Bieber?"
  • "Rescue somebody trapped in a burning building."
  • "Move like Jagger!"
Cain has yet to decide but seems to be leaning toward the cruise. You know, to take his mind off the stress.

Dec 3: Breaking News! Herman Cain has "suspended" his nomination campaign but not officially withdrawn from the race. In a related story, Steve Jobs has "suspended" his role with Apple.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Teen Takes Twitter To Town

A Kansas teen faces possible school punishment after her "inappropriate" tweet about the governor put her school administration on the hot seat. Emma Sullivan's comments about Kansas governor Sam Brownback posted to her Twitter account caught the attention of his office and a request from Sullivan's principal that she submit a written apology. Not only has the student refused to do so, citing her First Amendment rights, but her Twitter account has soared from 65 to more than 400 followers.

Buoyed by the attention, Sullivan has gone on a Twitter campaign to offend other public figures:
  • "goodbye barney frank & your old man smell"
  • "tim tebow throws like a girl lol"
  • "i think newt gingritch watches me in the shower"
  • "pot makes miley cyrus a better singer"
  • "black friday sucks #cyber monday rocks"
  • "demi and ashton forever. not!"
  • 'believing in santa @laus is for babies"
  • "herman cain should eat a pizza and stfu!"
The maturity of her comments further demonstrate why the voting age remains 18.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday Disappointment

Due to unexpected violence at retail outlets, Trooper will not be heading out to any Black Friday sales today. This is a shame because many people will not receive Christmas gifts that could not be purchased at such low, low prices (and the fact that I won't be doing my part to help boost the economy). What items have been scratched from the Wish List?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

What's On The Food Network?

One of the most popular specialty networks on cable TV is The Food Network. With a wide menu of programs ranging from "Ace of Cakes" to "What Would Brian Boitano Make?", a person would think the network had produced every cooking-related show possible. But that person would be wrong. Coming next season are some new culinary offerings to amaze and astound viewers:
  • Republican Chili Cookoff: Special dispensation has been given to provide 10 extra votes in the 2012 Electoral College to the winner of this contest. Filmed at John MCCain's Arizona hideaway, GOP candidates will compete to brew a pot of the spiciest Mexi-style chili this side of the Rio Grande all the while participating in a weekly debate style elimination from the mansion. Let the open-mic gaffs, petty squabbling and spicy sexual tension begin!

  • Who Can Eat This Alien Skull?: Top chefs submit recipe ideas for boiling, baking or broiling alien artifacts from around the world. Tune in to see which wine goes best with extra-terrestrial goulash!

  • Occupy Kitchen!: Ever wonder what campers in the Occupy Movement eat? Then wonder no more. Each week, viewers will be treated to a variety of dishes made with 'food' garnered from some of North America's best dumpsters. Learn how to turn yesterday's expired yogurt and tainted egg salad into today's al fresco feast!

  • Topless Chef: Every week, a new celebrity will prepare their favorite meals wearing nothing but an apron. Guest appearances are kept top-secret until the moment of broadcast. That way viewers will be on the edge of their seat hoping for John Hamm or Mila Kunis, but instead might get celebrity couple Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.

  • Muppets Cook!: The Swedish Chef isn't the only Muppet character at home in the kitchen. Miss Piggy, Fozie Bear and of course Bert & Ernie are all accomplished cooks. When the Muppets cook, stuffing takes on a whole new meaning!
Remember you heard it first at Dogs & Jeans!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Who Will Protect America?

The most controversial exchange during last night's GOP debate arose over illegal immigration. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's proposal of a more humane approach to long-term illegals with US born offspring brought on attacks from the other candidates. Criticisms of Gingrich's position ranged from "dangerous naivetĂ©" to "encouraging terrorism". However, the other candidates did not present concrete alternatives to support their opposition.

Until today.

Hoping to take advantage of a potential anti-Gingrich backlash, several Republican candidates have now released Illegal Immigrant Positions. Dogs & Jeans has summarized them for you here:

Bugs Bunny cuts off Florida
Rick Perry:
Fences and the Rio Grande do not provide enough of a barrier for our security. Just as Bugs Bunny once sawed off Florida in a tragic miscalculation that cost the tax payers billions to restore, the US must physically cut off Mexico from North America.

Herman Cain:
Two words: Electrified Fences. And missiles. Three words: Electrified Fences and Missiles. And rabid wolves. Five Words: Electrified Fences, Missiles and Rabid Wolves. And groping. Six words: Electrified Fences, Missiles, Rabid Wolves and Groping.

cool jesus buudy
Michele Bachmann:
If America would simply return to church, then Jesus will help protect us. But not just any church, only the Lutheran church. All other forms of worship only invite illegal immigrants. Dancing is bad too.

John Huntsman:
Acting on a tip from neighbors, door-to-door searches of suspected illegals, or people harboring illegals, will be conducted by government officials. People unable to produce proof of citizenship will be concentrated in a type of camp for further processing. No, wait... that sounds bad. Forget I said anything. Yeah immigrants! You Rock!

mousetrap game
Ron Paul:
With the end of the Space Shuttle Program, the efforts of NASA engineers will be re-directed to build machines that block entry to the United States. We envision a series of catapults, conveyor belts, springboards, bowling balls rolling down ramps etc. Eventually the US/Mexico border will look like a gigantic game of Mousetrap.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Twilight Shockers!

The latest in the Twilight saga, "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" opened at theaters across North America this weekend. With gross sales of more than $138 million, the popular vampire movie had the fifth highest opening weekend ever. Even more surprising than the amount of money pouring in from teenage girls and moms-who-should-know-better, were some of the unexpected plot twists, most of which were not in Stephenie Meyer’s original book:
  • Edward tries to convince Bella that the "hand bra" is an acceptable part a vampire home life.
  • Alice Cullen tries to bite Steve Jobs so he can produce new iPhones for all eternity.
  • The vampires and werewolves unite to face a common enemy: a neo-nazi family in New Jersey that named their children Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation.
  • Singer Rihanna makes an appearance as a foul-mouthed, 800 year old vampire queen/dominatrix who inexplicably doesn't need any studio tricks on her voice.
  • Fears of an economic downturn reduced spending on the film's special effects to the point that outtakes from old "6 Million Dollar Man" episodes were used to portray any super-speed or super-strength.
  • It's revealed that Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband, is actually one of the werewolves, but only the sickly runt of the pack.
  • A secret cabal of evil vampires older than time itself are actively preventing the NCAA from replacing the BCS with a playoff system.
  • Edward and Bella's unborn child is a re-incarnation of Lord Voldemort.

Monday, November 21, 2011

American Yard Sale!

Everything must go! With the failure of the Congressional Supercommittee, the USA is over budget and we're passing the savings on to you!!!! Congress must slash spending on entire departments meaning you can pick up pieces of America at low, low prices!

Looking for a new ride? We have a fleet of Presidential Escalades, fully loaded and bullet proof ready to roll off the Whitehouse parking lot. How jealous will your neighbors be when you drive up in one of these sleek, black babies?!

We've discounted some of our most precious national resources: celebrities! Imagine how your next party would be the talk of the neighborhood when attended by Loni Anderson or Henry Winkler. We've got Lisa Kudrow, Tom Selleck and Jessica Simpson and they're priced to move! (Note: Celebrities must be purchased as is, not in the condition you remember)

Have you been searching for that perfect accent piece to finish off your home or garden decoration? The US Parks service has a catalogue of national monuments just for you? The grace of the Jefferson Memorial! The majesty of the Washington Monument! Nothing turns on the ladies like that big statue of Honest Abe!

Want military hardware? We've got tanks! We've got jets! We've got guns, guns and more guns? Thinking about a fishing trip? Catch that record bass or trout in a a slightly used Iowa-class battleship!

So don't delay. Help out your country and get that government issued merchandise you've always dreamed of! Come on down to Congressional Overstock, just off Independence Avenue in downtown Washington D.C.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday Demotivation - Crazy Animal Edition

It seems like it's been a while since the Demotivation Posters featured our furred and feathered friends. Try to refrain from saying "Aww".

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Royal Baby Not William's First?

The happy news that the Duchess of Cambridge (the former Kate Middleton) is expecting was doused today when Mariah Yeater announced that Prince William is the father of her baby. Fresh of the retraction of a paternity claim against Justin Bieber, the 20 year old San Diego resident now says the heir to the British throne impregnated her during his North American visit last year.

While she could not say exactly how such a union was possible as the royal couple only toured Canada and Ms. Yeater has not left the United States for more than three years, she is convinced that it was the prince who fathered her child. There has been no response from Buckingham Palace as yet.

Attorneys for Ms. Yeater commented she is seeking full financial support as would be expected of the monarchy in exchange for limited visitation. In addition she would like a gold carriage and the power to behead her 11th grade Spanish teacher Mr. Lopez.

If Yeater is unsuccessful in this case, she is prepared to launch a paternity claim against Edward from Twilight who she says visited her in a dream.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Superheroes Reject Super Committee

A congressional super committee is struggling not only to deal with the national debt, but also to gain credibility with Americans. The bipartisan group made up of six Republicans and six Democrats must find over $1.4 trillion to trim from the federal budget without negatively affecting important government services. A recent poll shows a majority of Americans don't believe the effort will be successful and the super committee's failure may be an issue in polling booths in 2012.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, the nation's leading superheroes are voicing their own disappointment with Congress. "We were asked to participate, but the terms of engagement were unacceptable," said Superman. "There were too many restrictions on our individual rights for any of the Justice League to participate."

Citing issues such as a limitation on the use of non-powered flight and a complete ban on wearing capes in Washington, members of the Justice League of America declined taking part in the budget slashing exercise. "Wonder Woman was particularly offended by an atmosphere she described as 'toxicly anti-feminist' toward her bare legs and corset," said Superman. "To his credit, Aquaman was willing to set aside differences but was told there was no budgetary value in being able to communicate with sea creatures."

Rival superhero groups X-Men and the Avengers also snubbed the super committee on similar grounds. "We found the dress code issue particularly offensive," said Bruce Banner/Hulk. "I mean, it's not like I choose to run around with no shirt on and torn up pants. UnderArmor has been working on a state-of-the-art stretchable fabric for me, but so far the prototypes have been too unstable under stress, resulting in dangerous flying shards of fabric and one very painful hernia."

Alan Quartermain, head of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, has reported that so far nobody has approached his group of marginal superheroes to participate. As of press time, The Power Rangers had not replied to Dogs & Jeans' offer to comment.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

NBA Lockout Pastimes

Basketball fans across the country are lamenting the news today that the NBA lockout will continue. With the players rejecting the latest offer from the league, the entire season may be in jeopardy.

But fans should not lose all hope. Dogs & Jeans is here to suggest numerous other fun activities and pursuits to help you pass the time until basketball resumes, or March Madness, whichever comes first:
  • Finally download all your old VHS home movies to your computer.
  • Go viral on YouTube with your own rap interpretation of  "Wichita Lineman".
  • Come up with a way to get Megan Fox back into a movie, preferably something where she ends up wet for no reason at all, like used to happen to Catherine Bell on "JAG".
  • Write letters for Amnesty International, just make sure you are not supporting the unlawful imprisonment of political dissidents.
  • Scheme to get Kasey and Vienna back together.
  • One word: hot yoga. Okay, that's two words. Two sweaty words.
  • Be the first in line to get tickets for "Breaking Dawn". See if you can set a world record for most consecutive viewings.
  • Repainting is always a good idea. Why not start with the baby’s room.
  • Get a new tattoo. Have it removed three weeks later.
  • Find some woman in the restaurant industry that says Herman Cain didn't harass her.
  • Start that screenplay you’ve been taking about with the bumbling hit man and his wisecracking robot.
  • One more word: Pilates.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Is Congress "Soft" on Corruption?

A 60 Minutes expose has charged that several high ranking congressmen and women have received improper benefits from their positions. Being able to influence legislation which may result in a return on an investment is termed "Soft Corruption" and happens all to frequently. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi disputes the show's allegations that she profited from failed legislation to punish the credit card industry. The fact that she had recently made a large investment in VISA stock is apparently a "coincidence".

60 Minutes failed to report on other soft corruption instances, citing lack of evidence. Thankfully Dogs & Jeans is not hampered by such pesky journalistic details such as 'facts' and 'ethics'!

Here are some of the top Soft Corruption schemes employed by Congress:
  • Find an overrated celebrity-wannabe, have them film a grainy "sex tape" then stage a fake wedding while charging every media outlet millions for the rights to cover the event.
  • Vampire movies! Lots and lots of vampire movies!
  • Implement user fees for birth control (only applies to Jessie James at this point).
  • European drug companies use "creative financing" that promise high returns. How about some equally creative legislation to help them out?
  • Start a company with the word 'green' in the name, like "Green Streets", "Everlasting Greenways" or "Mrs. Henderson's Green Airlines and Fruit Pies". Pass legislation the provides million dollar grants to companies investing in environmental research. The one criteria to determine if their work qualifies for a "renewable energy" bonus million dollar grant is if the word 'green' is used in the business name.
  • Dogs & Jeans Million Dollar Ideas.
  • Invest in a tent manufacturing company. Allow people to camp out in major US cities for weeks and weeks. Invest in fire hoses and head lice treatments for when the whole "Occupy" movement comes crashing down.
  • Require a $10,000 deposit for anyone wanting to join the queue of Herman Cain sexual harassment accusers.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I Like Things That Are Great - Part 3

Every so often the sum crumminess of the news becomes so collectively overwhelming for lampooning with Dogs & Jeans regular jackassery. That has once again occurred. I'm sitting here today surrounded newspapers and news sites delivering depressing information about scandals, both financial and sexual, and the general miserable nature of the way human being treat others. When that happens, I like to remind myself of the simple things I think are great.

Here are a few autumn-themed things:
  • Piles of raked fall leaves
  • The first cup of morning coffee (the second is never as good)
  • Ski vacation brochures
  • Sneaking from the kids' Halloween bags
  • Paper towels
  • Finding $5 in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn in six months
  • Showering in pairs
  • Tropical vacation brochures
  • Watching the Zamboni clean the ice between periods
  • Banana pancakes
  • When the dog scares the migrating ducks even though he knows full well he'll never catch them
  • Kissing under the extra blanket

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Herman Cain Thanks Asteroid Collision

The threat of an asteroid destroying the Earth today comes as a great relief to Herman Cain. After a week of almost daily announcements of new accusations of sexual harassment, any distraction is welcome. Asteroid 2005 YU55, a piece of space rock the size of an aircraft carrier, is scheduled to fly between our planet and the moon later this afternoon. While this gap is enormous by Earth standards, it is minuscule relative to the enormity of the galaxy. A collision with Earth, and the catastrophic consequences, is a statistical probability.

This is good news for the nomination campaign of the former head of the National Restaurant Association which has been fighting off new allegations of abuse since Cain became a leader in the GOP presidential nomination race. "We've been looking for another story to take us off the front page," said a campaign worker who wished to remain anonymous. "We hoped it would be a "feel good" story about a cancer survivor or maybe some kid in a well, but at this point we'll take anything we can get."

While the risk of the collision with Asteroid 2005 YU55 is low, the hope that it's potential end to all life as we know it may be just what Herman Cain supporters need. The Cain camp has been disappointed with the lack of momentum by other stories such as collapse of the European economy, the conviction of Conrad Murray or even the Justin Bieber paternity suit. "Nothing seems to be keeping Cain's accusers off of the front pages. Even the Kim Kardasian divorce hasn't had the staying power we thought. Maybe a real life Armageddon will do the trick."

If the the mass extinction of Earth's plants, animals and even humans is not enough to divert the public's attention, campaign staff are prepared to hunker down for a long, bitter struggle. They are even praying something else will take over the media's attention. "With any luck Sarah Palin will kill a guy."

Nov 15 Update: The asteriod flew by just fine, but Herman Cain is crashing and burning.

Monday, November 7, 2011

What Else Did Dr. Murray Do?

Now that Dr. Conrad Murray has been found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson, executives at CourtTV are concerned about a severe ratings drop. Without any high profile cases on the horizon, people may not be tuning into the specialty network for some time. However, as Dr. Murray is likely to lose his medical license as part of his sentence, the way may be clear for CourtTV to pay him to stand trial for some other rating's gold. As part of the terms of an early parole, expect prosecutors to file charges against Murray for one or more of the following outstanding cases:

Friday, November 4, 2011

Signs You're Not A Bond Girl

skyfall Berenice Marlohe sexy james bond girl
Following yesterday's announcement of the title of the new James Bond film "Skyfall", the name of the next Bond Girl has been revealed. Little known French actress Berenice Marlohe will soon join the ranks of such Hollywood legends as Diana Rigg, Ursula Andress, Honor Blackman and Denise Richards. Sadly, many other celebrities will be devastated at not having been selected as the latest James Bond ingenue. But if they had read the signs properly, they might have known they were not in the running:

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Rejected James Bond Titles

james bond actors Daniel Craig Sean Connery Roger Moore Pierce Brosnin
On the 50th anniversary of the decision that Sean Connery would star in his first James Bond, the latest title was announced. "Skyfall" will star Daniel Craig and continue the tradition that Connery began so long ago in "Dr. No".

No movie franchise could be so successful without careful consideration given to every aspect of the production including the name of the film. "Skyfall" has been no different. Months of brainstorming and tests groups ensured that your movie-going pleasure would not be spoiled by some of the following rejected James Bond titles:
  • "Never Say Never Again: The Lindsey Lohan Story"
  • "Ka-Boom!"
  • "The Great Greek Bailout"
  • "Ian Fleming's Series of Unfortunate Events That Involve Gadgets, Cool Cars and Promiscuous Sexual Behavior."
  • "For Justin Bieber's Eyes Only"
  • "Tiger Blood"
  • "Vampires Only Live Twice"
  • "Yo, Daniel Craig, I'm Really Happy For You and I'm Gonna Let You Finish, But 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service' Was The Best James Bond Movie Of All Time!"
  • "Timberlake"
  • "Octopussy" (What? That was really a title? I thought it was a joke.)
  • "From Wall Street With Love"
  • "Space Gun"
  • "The Kardashian Who Loved Me (but only for 74 days)"

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Signs You're Justin Bieber's Love Child

Reports are exploding across the airwaves and newsstands today that Justin Bieber fathered a child with a 19 year old fan. Mariah Yater, the now 20 year-old mom, claims she and the teen singer had a brief tryst (perhaps as brief as 30 seconds) while backstage after one of his concerts. Despite the that Bieber's then age of 16 would open her up to statutory rape charges, Yater's lawyers are asking Bieber for a paternity test and the subsequent support that would come from a positive result.

This is likely the first of many claims against young Justin if his fame continues to increase over the years. Dogs & Jeans has developed an inexpensive and simple set of criteria people can use down the road to determine if you might be Justin Bieber's Love Child:
  • You are completely incapable of growing a beard, moustache or pubic hair of any type.
  • You are a better dancer than a white person should be.
  • People say you are the exact opposite of Charles Bronson.
  • You are always surrounded by a faint aroma of maple syrup.
  • You have often been mistaken for an elf.
  • None of the Kardashians will marry you, even briefly.
  • You are chosen as Baby Jesus for the Christmas pageant, and you're 32.
  • You are the best hockey player in town and never had a single lesson.
  • When you drive, even the brake pedals in a SmartCar are too far away.
  • Your favorite reading material is "Teen Beat".
  • No matter how much you drink, you can't get "And I was like baby, baby, baby oh, like baby, baby, baby no, like baby, baby, baby oh," out of your head.
Nov 16 Update: Mariah Yeater has dropped her paternity claim against Bieber. Oh, and her lawyers have fired her. And she smells kind of funny too.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What I Learned This Halloween: Part 2

Two Halloween's ago, I posted some newly found wisdom gained while handing out candy. This year proved to be no less educational.

  • Trick or treating in the mall at 4 PM does not have the same mystique as going door to door in the foggy darkness. It actually borders on costumed extortion.
  • On a dollar per hour basis, trick or treating generates about $1.70/hour in revenue
  • Requiring teenagers to actually say "Trick or Treat" results in an unfavorable Facebook comment by the time they are at the end of your driveway.
  • You can add the word "zombie" to anything and it becomes a costume: zombie accountant, zombie physiotherapist, zombie teacher's assistant.
  • Kids do not prefer edemame to Oh Henry's.
  • Despite there being no evidence to support it, I carrying on  scaring my kids about weirdos putting razor blades in the candy the same way my parents did.
  • On the eve of Movember, my upper lip Day 1 bristles are not sufficient to be considered a costume all on their own.
By next Halloween, I hope to know it all.