Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Worse Than The Stock Market

We interrupt this regularly scheduled vacation blog posting for an important Public Service Announcement:

With the recent volatility in the stock market, Americans are worried about the state of their investments. Many people are concerned about losses in their retirement funds while others are considering taking money out. But where else to invest? Despite the periodic downturns on Wall Street, stocks are still one of the best long-term investments a person could make (according to the 1 in 5 dentists that don't recommend Crest toothpaste).

Believe it or not, there are many investment opportunities that offer a worse return that putting your money in Wall Street. Consider the following:

  • Used Caskets - While buying "previously enjoyed" coffins may seem like a good way to reduce funeral costs, as an investment the future may not be so rosy. Obstacles such as cleaning costs, rapid depreciation and overall public opinion could make that secondhand "final furniture" seem like an old carcass crate.

  • The Jessica Simpson Diet - If you'd hit the market with this product six or seven years ago when "Dukes of Hazzard" was in theatres, it would have been a "can't miss" winner. But today? You might as well invest in The Andy Rooney Eyebrow Groomer.

  • Tattoos - Whether it's butterfly on you hip bone, an eagle on your chest, a lower back tattoo that says "Juicy" or the classic "Mom" on your bicep, a tattoo is a lifelong and extremely personal purchase. The re-sale market on tattoos has been slow and getting slower, especially since A & E re-broadcasts of "Criminal Minds" has reduced the activity of most serial killers who like to skin their victims.

  • Indiana Jones Sequels - Many fans would love to see Indy don the fedora and strike out on another quest, but given that Harrison Ford is older than any of the mummified remains found in the films, such movies could only be spectacular box office flops. Unless the role of the intrepid archaeologist is played by Kelly Brook. I'd go see that more than once.

  • Experienced Lightbulbs and Batteries - Leaving a stack of D-cells in the sun all afternoon might reverse the charge enough to power a flashlight for 15 minutes but it's still not enough to affect their resale value. the same is true for the re-animation technology for incandescent lightbulbs now that compact fluorescent bulbs are sweeping the market. Just throw that stuff out before you end up on an episode of "Hoarders".
When you consider some of the alternatives, keeping your money in good old American American stocks and bonds just seems like the right thing to do.

Thank you and God Bless America!

(This blog posting is sponsored by the American Stock Investment Association. The opinions presented are theirs alone and do not represent the views of Dogs and Jeans.)


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