Thursday, October 27, 2011

His Halloween Hook-Up

Earlier this week, Dogs & Jeans reviewed Bad Women’s Halloween Costumes while providing some helpful advice on smarter selections. As the article stated, Halloween is a pretty easy event for women seeking a 'hook-up' since it’s a free pass to look slutty. Plus, women have the tantalizing option of using Body Paint.

However, costume selection for guys it’s a little tougher since women seem to be turned off by a slutty looking guy (go figure!) And Men’s Body Paint is a worse idea than investing in an Iraqi airline. But one Halloween costume rule is essential: Avoid anything that draws attention to your genitals or related to your bowel movements in anyway. Joking about fucking and shitting are funny in the right place (like in an ice-fishing cabin with your buddies), but have they ever gotten you laid? I didn’t so (unless it was one swingin’ ice-fishing weekend!).

Good Men’s Costumes fall into four main categories but they all have one thing in common: fulfilling a lady’s fantasy. The great costumes combine two or more of them.

A Man In Uniform:
Costumes in this category are a sure-fire way to get conversation, and the juices, flowing at any Halloween get together. Prepare a few simple lines of banter about the dangers of being a firefighter/policeman/soldier/airline pilot. An added bonus is the option of wearing sunglasses with most uniform-related costumes will maintain an air of mystery.

Mistakes: Try and stay away from any costume that makes you look like one of The Village People.

Uniform Variation – Sports Figure:
Also a popular costume, posing as The Athlete can get a lot of mileage with the right lady. However, you can come across as lonely fantasy sports geek especially if you dress as someone current, such as anyone playing in the current World Series. Try generic sports costumes like Vintage Baseball Player or Race Car Driver that show you are an original guy (as well as showing off your ass or pecs).

Mistakes: Michael Vick. He may be an amazing quarterback and you can argue all you want about how he has paid his debt to society, but any women who sees you in a #7 Vick jersey will just think “Puppy Killer”.

Imaginary/Historical Characters:
Arriving at the party as a Roman centurion, pirate or gunfighter is rarely a mistake. What woman can resist the advances of a dashing vampire or play Maid Marianne to your brooding Robin Hood (but beware the green tights!)? The right costume in this category suggests to a woman she can expect a night of adventure that may include both swashing and buckling. Gangsters (the 1930’s type) are also a hit with the dames, but avoid Gangsta’s and Pimps.

Mistakes: The humorous variations that draw attention to your cock. Put the junk away until the time is right.

Movie/TV Characters:
The realm of popular culture is rife with excellent costume choices, but you have to be smart about it. Don’t pick a figure so obscure you have to spend the whole night explaining that you’re not Legolas but some another elf from Lord of the Rings. In fact, stay away from the whole Sci-Fi world entirely. Your best bet is to pick a character that also incorporates one of the above categories. For example:

Pirate? Try Captain Jack Sparrow.

Pilot? Try Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell

Gladiator? Try “Gladiator”

Get the idea?

This is a tricky category. As many guys know, what seems hilarious to a man can be gross, immature, stupid or offensive to a woman. As stated above, avoid any costume that obviously demonstrates you have a penis and intend to use it before the sun comes up, with or without a partner. Wearing one of the many costume disasters below will guarantee you will have a year to regret your Halloween selection all by yourself.

But all is not lost. A funny costume can get the right lady to fall for you but it has to be clever. As we have stated, the best costumes combine the elements of the other categories:

Historical Figures: Hugh Hefner or one of the Beetles

Fantasy: Spiderman or Batman

TV/Movie Characters: Greg Brady or Ron Burgundy

Exception: Austin Powers – The famed British spy is both whimsical and a movie character, but most women can’t get past the teeth. For a successful variation, throw on a tuxedo and arrive as any one of six James Bonds.

Dogs & Jeans wishes you a happy and lucky Halloween.


Nari said...

Great costume advice, though I actually enjoyed some of the more "phallic" costumes. But then again, my sense of humor is a litte odd at times and I'm assuming you were aiming for the general public.

I do think it might be enjoyable to have a bloody Michael Vick costume complete with stuffed pit bulls hanging off of him by their teeth. Just a little cost effective tip for the uninformed man who may have already purchased a Michael Vick costume.

After all, recycling is good for the enviromnment.

Paxford said...

Gosh... what a shame we really don't celebrate that downunder.

Mind you... the Captain Jack one is always a welcome at any event ;)