Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Wanna Get Laid For Halloween?

Halloween is fast approaching and Dogs & Jeans is here again to help with your costume dilemmas. In the past we have posted about:

All of which have helped many loyal readers with their social standing and carnal needs while generating excellent Google traffic for the site. But some people still have difficulty with their costume selection.

You would think picking a costume would be easy for women. After all, Halloween is a great excuse for dressing slutty (as this excellent video from our friends at Cracked.com remind us).

However, not everything has been jack o’lanterns and mini candy bars. Many women have written in seeking advice about costumes that may not provide a memorable boot-knocking Halloween. As a public service, Dogs & Jeans will share those dreadful inquiries with an explanation of why these are bad choices.

The Baby Costume
You may think the “bib and bonnet” look is cute as a bug but the baby is a sure-fire boner killer for any man. Forget the fact that footy pj’s remind him of visiting Aunt Sandi’s who is always sick and wears a Snuggi all day, but did you really think a guy looking to hook up wants to do so with an infant? If you do find a guy who wants to help change you diaper, better put a call in to Chris Hansen.

Even the Little Orphan Annie outfit is disturbingly too young.

If you are thinking youth, then don’t go younger than Naughty School Girl. He could at least pretend you are a high school senior.

I may not know much, but I do know that no man is turned on by food his mom had to threaten him to eat. You look like a mouldy Gumby, and you’re not getting laid as the fresh Gumby either. The same goes for asparagus, peas, grapes and just about every other fruit or vegetable.

If you are keen on a “food” theme, how about Pizza Delivery Girl? The clich├ęd sexual banter writes itself:

“I bet you’ve got a juicy slice.”

“I’ve got something hot in my box for you.”

“I hope you take delivery in 30 minutes or less.”

He might even stick around because everyone knows pizza is just as tasty the next morning.

Second choice: Hamburger Dress (but leave of the Ronald McDonald make-up - see the section on Clowns below)  

Fat Hula Girl

Perhaps you are missing the point of this non-holiday. This is the one night of the year you can wear a grass skirt and coconut bra and not be called a skank. Unless you live in cold climate, why wear the fat suit on top? Get your spray on tan and hair extensions and get those coconut halves knocking!

Osama bin Laden
You might have had some success with this edgy costume before the SEALS shot him in the head and dumped his body in the ocean. The same holds true for other Current Events figures like Mummar Gadhafi.

If you insist on going as someone from the news, stick with Slutty Sarah Palin (or is it Slutty Tina Fey?).

Circus Clown
Clowns are creepy. End of discussion. Maybe Salma Hayek could pull off a sexy clown look, but I doubt it. Even she could not get past the circus atmosphere of calliope music, crazed laughter and B.O. this costume would create.

The closest thing to 'erotic' a Google Image Search for “sexy clown costume” bring up is Batman’s nemesis Harlequin. Anything else with floppy shoes, orange hair and funny hat only reminds men of Stephen King’s “It”.

Sexy Freddy Kruger
Actually, the jury is still out on this one. As a rule, blood and gore tends not to get a guy thinking about getting between the sheets. Plus there is the risk of one of those razor sharp knives coming a little too close to private parts that could make him wish he was far away from Elm Street. But the gender turn-about is intriguing and your selection of the most unique slasher film villains shows you are an out of the box thinker.

However, if you are considering a movie character, why not stick with a sci-fi space classic like Princess Leia or Lt. Uhura? Everyman wants to conquer the final frontier.

Super Shopper
If you meet a guy who wants to do you in this, you have just met a man who is not over his ex-wife. Good luck with that.

Bun In the Oven
Countless medical studies have proven that men do not consider the consequences of their actions except in one instance: knocking someone up. This goes for Pregnant Cheerleader, Pregnant Nun and all manner of prenatal costume adaptations.

If you want to stay with a Kitchen Theme, it's hard to go wrong with Sexy Chef. (Any executives from the Food Network interested in a pitch?)

Anita Valium
Guys all know that Crazy Sex is some of the best sex going. However, the follow up to Crazy Sex, The Crazy Girlfriend, is not so great. Nobody needs the straight jacket to remind them of the unexplained crying fits, the thousands of phone messages and texts asking where he is, the aborted break-ups when suicide was threatened and need to change emails, change jobs and change towns just to get away. Keep your crazy suit in the closet, deep in the closet.

Big Bird
NO! I repeat: NO!

Plastic Surgery Patient
I’m not even sure where to start with this ball-shriveller of a costume. This is a mix of Clown and Crazy with a dash of Freddy Kruger thrown in. Besides, nobody thinks the “Before” picture is appealing. That’s why it’s the “Before”.

Why not go as the plastic surgery “After” like Kim Kardashian or any enhanced Playboy Bunny?

Come back later this week for some badly needed advice for the guys.


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