Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Crime Fighting Modest Proposals

It's been nearly three months since the Stanley Cup riot in Vancouver and not a single arrest has been made. This is despite the preponderance of video footage of drunk idiots looting stores, throwing rocks and setting fire to police cars. However, citizens of the province of British Columbia have paid more than $300K for an internal review that places no blame on the police for being unprepared (going so far as to say there were "too many people but not too few police"!)


Rather than recommend increasing police levels for large street gatherings (even though this approach worked very well during the 2010 Winter Olympics), creating a single regional police force trained in crowd control or employing mass arrest techniques as most metropolitan areas do, the report goes in the opposite direction. Among recommendations with vague effectiveness such as advertising campaigns targeted at kids and increased social media tools, the main suggestion is to end public gatherings.


Hmm, despite plenty of opportunity to prepare for the post-game ruckus using a policing model that has worked in the past, an uncoordinated and poorly trained police force says the best way to deal with a small population of drunken hooligans is to restrict the personal freedoms of everyone. Well done Vancouver. Let's see how that logic applies to other areas of law enforcement:


Issue: Child Molestation
Numerous task forces targeting Internet pedophiles and yeoman efforts by To Catch a Predator's Chris Hanson dont' seem to stop the problem. Creepy guys are still having sex with little children. Reducing the age of consent to 6, or even 4, will greatly reduce the number of violations of the law.

Issue: The War on Terrorism
Ousting the Taliban and increasing airline security have been expensive and considered largely ineffective (despite having not experienced another attack on US soil since 9/11). Forced conversion of all North Americans to radical Islam and replacement of Canada, Mexico and the US's constitutions with Iranian Sharia law should appease the terrorists and leave us alone, inshallah.

Issue: Bank Robbery
Security is expensive and deploying SWAT teams during hold-ups puts everyone at risk. Banks should maintain a stack of cash-filled bags in their lobbies with a sign that reads 'Help Yourself".

Issue: Driving Under the Influence
Roadside checks and stiffer drunk driving penalties are simply a band-aid. A more effective solution would be to double the alcohol limit, thereby rendering fewer drivers "legally" impaired. New terminology would need to be employed to remove and drunk driving stigma. Crashes would now be called "abrupt parking features" while crash victims would be "sudden organ donors".

Issue: Wild Fires
The annual summer effort to fight grass and forest fires throughout the US southwest can no longer be supported. The problem would simply go away if the government declares "Burning" as the natural state of Texas, Arizona, parts of Oklahoma and southern California from May to October. As an additional measure, the US Weather Service may refer to the atmosphere in these regions as "mildly smokey". 

There! Doesn't that make everyone feel better?