Monday, September 12, 2011

Bet on Bachelor Pad

Tonight is the exciting conclusion of ABC's "Bachelor Pad 2". For those of you unfamiliar with this train wreck of a show, imagine the creepiest douchebags and sluttiest crazies rejected from past seasons of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette". Got that image in your mind's eye? Now force them to live together under one roof for weeks, participating in not-so-thinly disguised sex games while they pair up and vote off each another using alliances that make The Axis Powers seem noble. All these tears, taunts and tantrums are in an effort to win $250K. Plus the whole thing is filmed and edited to enhance the melodrama, dysfunction and bounty of side-boobs.

If you are involved in a "Bachelor Pad" office pool, here are the latest Vegas odds on tonight's possible outcomes:
  • We learn kasey Anthony has been hiding out in the Mansion since her relase from a Florida jail - 15 to 1.
  • Even the Monday Night Football match up between the dreadful Broncos and abysmal Raiders will be more entertaining - 6 to 1. (but the cheerleaders will seem classier than the "Bachelor Pad" ladies)
  • Former "Bachelor" Brad Womak shows up to say this time her has really learned how to open up to his emotion - 3 to 1. (That emotion is 'Bewilderment')
  • Sarah Jessica Parker drops in to plug another unwanted "Sex and the City" movie - 8 to 1.
  • Vienna and Kasey are confident they will win the challenge but will suck at it horribly and lose. She will throw a fit blaming him for being unsupportive and he'll threaten to leave. They will reconcile with a messy trip to 3rd base filmed in grainy black and white - Even money.
  • Portia de Rossi will visit the house and instruct the women in the proper way to French Kiss - 50 to 1 (but that would be AWESOME!!!)
  • Michael will propose marriage to Holly which she will reject (after a teary confession with the other women about her feelings for Blake). Michael will threaten to quit the show but we won't learn the result until "after the break" - 5 to 1.
  • Bank of America forecloses on the Mansion and all the contestants are forced to sell their own blood and semen (if applicable) to get back home - 20 to 1.
  • Kasey threatens to punch Jake in the mouth (but not to his face) - 2 to 1. A desperate Kate Gosselin will arrive to actually do it - 11 to 1.
  • Every commercial break will feature so many promotions for "Dancing With the Stars", viewers will be convinced they are actually watching an episode of  "Dancing With the Stars" - 6 to 1.
  • Halfway through the broadcast, we will all remember the halcyon days of reality TV when shows were still classy like "The Swan" and "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" - Even money.
Sept 13 Update: Nearly half this stuff happened! Did you place smart bets? For a hilarious review of the show, check out BuddyTV.

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