Thursday, August 4, 2011

Football Rescues America!

News From The Near Future
December 9, 2011: After months of falling stocks on Wall Street, the U.S. received an early Christmas present this week. A coalition of NFL teams and prominent NCAA schools have come together to purchased each state's outstanding debt. After the failure of President Obama's August budget's debt level adjustment, international investors have continued to pull back from the American economy, creating a near-fatal financial catastrophe. Obama has not been seen since his bizarre announcement on Thanksgiving that he was stepping down to pursue his passion for ventriloquism.

Across the nation, teams have paid off the multi-million dollars owed by each state facing collapse. States like Georgia and Wisconsin, which have only one NFL team paid off the debt for their home state, while states with no NFL team, like Alabama and Nebraska, received their payments from the large private universities (since the State schools were unable to contribute due to bankruptcy). States with two or more teams, like California and Florida drew straws with the winner electing to either give to their state or a neighboring non-represented state.

"We were happy to come forward and do our part," said Seattle Seahawks owner Paul Allen. "The fan's have supported the team for many years and it feels good to give something back. In the absence of any other leadership, it's the least we could do."

(Note: This Seahawks supporter is not Paul Allen)

While Allen's feel-good message was repeated by team owners and Athletic Directors around the country, many detractors point out that the millions put up by teams makes each state a private entity owned by a football franchise. "Essentially, America is now owned by professional football," cried longtime consumer advocate Ralph Nader. "Get ready for cheerleaders at state legislatures, hospitals beds sponsored by Nike and Gatorade in every elementary school drinking fountain!"

"People should expect no significant changes to their daily lives," commented NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell from behind his new desk in the Oval Office. "Football is here to enhance people's lives, not run it.  The elimination of the Primary System and Electoral College in favour of a Playoff with Wildcards is designed to bring the public interest back to politics."

Despite the Commissioner/President's assurances, some change has occurred swiftly. ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews has been named First Lady. All criminal chargers against members of Cincinnati Bengals, Carolina Panthers and University of Miami Hurricanes have been dropped. New Mexico, which was purchased by the Houston Texans, has been renamed "West Texas" and Colorado changed it's nickname from "The Centennial State" to "The Bronco State". Oklahoma was already "The Sooner State" and is not expecting any changes.

When asked if the BCS would finally be replaced with playoff for college football, Goodell shouted 'Look over there!" then ran from the room when reporters turned away


That Janie Girl said...

That, Trooper, is freaking AWESOME. I'd get my aching butt and legs up and do a super-cheer for that!

Trooper Thorn said...

Janie: Thanks. I blame your personal trainer for your inability to give this post the adulation it deserves.

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