Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Beyonce Baby Tweets

During the MTV video awards Sunday, Beyonce announced she is expecting her first child. What followed was a flurry of Twitter activity by her fans, peaking at a record of 8,868 Tweets/sec. AS many readers know, Dogs and Jeans does not participate in Twitter, but we did swing by to see what so many loyal fans could have been saying. Some of the most interesting are posted here:
  • Lose wait with Acia Berries. Ask me how!
  • Bravo! Beautiful Baby Bump Beyonce! Best Before Ball Bunchers! Beetle Bailey! Boo!
  • So happy for you and 50 Cent!
  • Free ED Viagra Trial Pack. 100mg x 180 Tabs ONLY $196!!
  • You should name the baby justin beiber
  • When are you and En Vogue going to get back together?
  • I will never masturbate to your videos again!
  • I am Mr. Attoh Koffi Richard. I am 47 years of age from Accra-Ghana and a Chief Auditor at the International Remittance Department (IRD) at Ghana Central Bank . I have an amounting Excess of USD Three Hundred & Eighty-Four Million (USD 384,000.000.00) which has been lying in our suspense deposit account for safe keeping.
  • Oh yeah? Rihanna's still better than you because she's adopting!
  • Brad Pitt wants to be friends on Facebook.
  • Loved your performance in "The Help"
  • Guess what! Your Fantasies are all Here. Local, tasty and REAL!
  • But how long has your ass been pregnant?

Monday, August 29, 2011

God Hates Bad Taste

Michele Bachmann's comments last week that Hurricane Irene was God's wrath fell on the heels of a similar statement about the earthquake on the eastern states. Her campaign was quick to deny that the congresswoman was serious however, these were not isolated incidents. The potential Republican presidential nominee has suggested numerous times that some earthly events came about as a deliberate act of God:
  • The Tsunami in Japan was God's displeasure at the increasing number of Japanese players in American professional baseball.
  • Jake's expulsion from the mansion on "Bachelor Pad" was to punish everyone for declining attendance at Sunday worship.
  • Periodic outbreaks of Bird Flu serve to remind us that God prefers Americans to eat Texas beef.
  • The continued struggles by the Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49'rs is God's retribution for California's continued tolerance for "liberal" lifestyles.
  • The recent rise in mortgage rates is an affliction brought about from buying foreign cars.
  • SARS was Gods way of punishing us for watching "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?" and "The Swan".
If Bachmann is correct, we can only fear what will be coming for all those seasons of "Jersey Shore".

Friday, August 19, 2011

Friday Demotivation

Next week Trooper and family will be on vacation, meaning that daily jackassery may be sporadic. make sure you check back just in case a wireless signal is possible from the remote, seaside cottage.

In the meantime, please enjoy these Demotivation Posters, which have the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Stars Paid To Strip?

In an unprecedented move, fashion retailer Abercrombie & Fitch have reportedly offered reality TV actor Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino money to stop wearing its clothes in public. The other "Jersey Shore"  personalities have also been approached with cash to prevent a negative impact to the brand's image.

This decision has opened the floodgate for other companies to offer stars with "questionable" images funds to cease endorsing their goods and services:
  • Victoria's Secret is paying it's models to stop sleeping with Prince Harry because it makes them unmarketable to the legions of "Pippa" supporters.
  • Twitter will pay the women from The View to stop tweeting "every damn thing that pops into their empty heads every damn minute!"
  • Nike will pay Tiger Woods to stop using it's clubs or wearing it's clothes during tournaments unless he stars sleeping with waitresses and models again. (he might want to give Prince Harry's people a call).
  • HBO will pay Sarah Jessica Parker to stop talking about more Sex & The City projects in hopes that eventually her tired, brittle bones will just collapse and she will dry up an blow away.
  • The Vatican will pay the proponents of Ark Encounter to stop trying to prove that Noah's Ark and other stories from the Bible are true and to "embrace faith as the fundamental aspect of religious devotion."
  • The AMA will pay Dr. Phil to drop the title "Dr." and just adopt the moniker "Opinionated Phil".

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Obama's On The Road

President Obama has joined Sarah Palin, Rick Perry and the other cool kids and obtained his own motor coach. However, many Americans are wondering why the $1.1 million price tag was so high. Well, wonder no more! Dogs & Jeans has obtained the specs and can detail exactly what a presidential bus requires:
  • Ball pit
  • Bullet-proof smoked glass windows
  • "Elephant Man" bones in display case
  • XM Satellite radio in every room
  • Ronco GPS (Groovy Potato Slicer)
  • Entire DVD collection of "Kate Plus 8"
  • Missile remote guidance system
  • Golf clubs and cart
  • Mobile press room
  • Hot tub

Friday, August 12, 2011

Friday Demotivation

Let's see what's going on today...
The stock market is back up, but for how long Spock, for how long?
Tiger is crashing and burning worse than... most analogies are too unpleasant so let's just say a thing that crashes and burns.
Nobody died during the GOP debate, but plenty of Americans likely wanted to choke a few candidates.

So how about we just slide into another summer weekend with some Friday Demotivation?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

GOP Debate Drinking Game

The GOP Presidential nomination race officially gets underway  tonight with the Iowa Debate on Fox News. But if you are like most people, you have been inundated with Right-Wing rhetoric for so long, it feels like the Republicans kicked this thing off during the Carter Administration. So to make watching tonight's showdown more entertaining, we present the Dogs & Jeans GOP Debate Drinking Game (Patent Pending).

The rules are simple. If you hear or see any of the following, take a drink:
  • "I have a vision for this nation that includes all Americans."
  • "How can we trust you to do it right in Washington when you did wrong in (insert state name here)?"
  • Michele Bachmann stares glassily at the camera.
  • "For too long now, we have allowed the special interest groups and Washington insiders to hijack the lives of citizens."
  • "The time for talking about our problems has to be replaced by the time for action to solve our problems."
  • It is obvious the camera angles have been selected to ensure Ron Paul looks smaller than the other candidates.
  • "Is it too much to ask that America be returned to it's position of influence in the world? The Democrats think it is  but I don't."
  • "And I thank God I was fortunate enough to have been born in a country where I could (insert humble accomplishment here)."
  • Newt Gingrich references his time as Speaker of the House. Finish what you have left of your drink if another candidate criticizes him for his time as Speaker.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Out Of This World Investments

With the stock market taking another nose dive, many investors are wondering if they can put their money in something that offers a safer return. Recently Dogs & Jeans Financial Gurus offered some advice about future stock opportunities, but until things stabilize, Wall Street may not be the best option. This new economy requires some "out of the box" thinking.

For now we suggest you invest in:
No need to say thank you, but an invitation to your gold-plated mansion would be nice.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

No Home Alone Guilty Pleasures

Mrs. Trooper's job and mine overlap for 90 minutes today which will leave the kids on their own for a brief time. While the oldest child is twelve and extremely responsible qualified babysitter, I felt it was wise to provide some explicit instructions banning certain activities:

Much like my advice about camping, I'm sure these regulations were appreciated by all.