Thursday, July 21, 2011

Secret NFL Deals

Team owners are expected to vote and pass a new NFL collective bargaining agreement today. If the deal is then ratified by the Players' Association, the 4-month long lockout could be over in time for the August preseason games. The new deal contains the standard terms regarding the numbers of games and salaries along with new free-agency rules.

There are, however, some surprising new conditions that have made their way into the agreement, many of which will affect players and fans alike:
  • Inez Sainz is required to visit each team's locker room at least once a season.
  • Players have the option of either soaking the winning coach in Gatorade, or covering him with delicious marzipan.
  • Computer generated yellow scrimmage line to flash advertisements for feminine hygiene products and discount car insurance.
  • The Black Eyed Peas must maintain a 500 yard distance from all future Superbowl half-time shows.
  • In the event of a tie game, overtime will include two balls.
  • To capitalize on movie advertising, new expansion teams must adopt the following nicknames: "Transformers", "The Deathly Hallows" or "Friends With Benefits".
  • As in Canadian Football, a missed field goal that is kicked through the end zone will be worth 2 points. A third point will be awarded if the ball knocks off a the block of cheese from a Packer fan's head.

  • Stadium operating costs will be reduced by replacing motorized first aid cars with the tiny Chuck Wagon Dog Food cart.
  • Meaningless late season games that have no play-off impact are to enhanced by the mandatory inclusion of six fans drawn at random to 'come into the game'.
  • This season's weekly game points totals will be used as estimates for federal debt levels.
  • Rookies must spend one week each season babysitting for Brad and Angelina.
  • Cheerleaders are encouraged to adopt more "macrame-based" outfits.
July 22 Update: Still no deal! What's it going to take to get these two sides together? Haven't the owners and players all spent enough time meeting in hotel conference rooms with tepid coffee, marginal egg salad sandwiches and hookers with "more than a few miles" on them?

I say we fans start our own league. My uncle has a big yard and my mom can sew the uniforms.



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