Monday, July 25, 2011

The Next Big Stocks?

animal house cast financial gurus
Today's massive slip of tech stocks on the NASDAQ is just another signal that the technology wave that began in the 90's is over. As it did with resource extraction, banking and transportation, investment follow a life cycle of boom and bust. The wise investor is always looking to the horizon to identify where the "smart money" is going. But where will Wall Street see the next big surge and how can you get in on the ground floor? Dogs and Jeans Financial Guru's have some ideas:
  • Time Travel - People who wished they could have put $1000 into US Steel in 1901, Ford Motor Co in 1919 or IBM in 1964 can understand the need to go back in time. Investing in the time machine industry will show double benefits: sales of the technology itself as well as the compounding benefit of past-time investments. Also, you might finally be able to go back and use that condom you didn't think was necessary that one time.

  • Clothes for Dogs - Why should humans be the only well dressed animals? In much the same way advertisers have shamed women into using formula instead of free, readily available breast milk, a targeted marketing campaign could force owners to get jeans and sweaters onto their little pooches. (Disclaimer: Dogs and Jeans reserves the right to all profits from dog jeans, dog pants and dog slacks. Dog jeggings not included in this because that would be silly.)

    anti-aging treatement ad look younger
  • Anti-aging 3-D Software - Everyone knows that appearances are important but why waste all that money in clinical research into collagen, elastin and ungulate afterbirth treatments? The Internet abounds with advertisements showing a wrinkled, late 50's woman (the before) and her smooth-skinned, but hazy, youthful after photo. No injections, creams or ointments are necessary as long as the right photoshop effects are employed. The logical extension is to apply this to actual people out ont he street, surrounding us all with a gauzy film to obscure skin blemishes.

  • Butter Churns and Spinning Wheels - Just a hunch, but there could be a boom in the return to labour intensive devices as people yearn for a simpler, and less tolerant, time. Significant returns from ancillary products like boned corsets, penny-farthings and moustache wax may also be available. Be aware that a shortage of hand tools to fashion these devices could drive costs through the roof. Start hoarding now!

    katy perry cone bra magazine cover
  • Over-sized Novelty Clothing - From giant foam cowboy hats to Katy Perry's cone bras, the trend towards marginally hilarious and sexually confusing articles of clothes is slowly gaining momentum. Investors with some foresight can understand the appeal of buying up stock of companies who specialize in making Frankenstein shoes, enormous sunglasses and yoga pants big enough for Kim Kardashian's butt.

  • Video Rental Stores - No wait. Forget that, unless you also have the Time Machine from above.

  • Money Printers - The likelihood that the US government will ever get out of debt shrinks each day. What better way for the average American to get ahead than by printing their own dollar bills in the comfort of their own home? This new industry has international potential as America's financial meltdown will lead to a global crisis. Make sure you invest in companies whose printing presses can be retooled for euros, yen and pesos.

  • Dr. Drew - Dogs and Jeans Financial Gurus don't normally recommend "personality" investments (like Oprah, Martha Stewart or The Brady Bunch's Chris Knight) but for Dr. Drew we will make an exception. At the current rate of growth of his own shows, the popular TV doctor will occupy 80% of all English speaking broadcasts by 2016. A timely investment in  Dr. Pinsky will secure a return of more than 300% for the savvy investor especially if the trend towards celebrities becoming addicted and dying continues. 

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