Thursday, July 7, 2011

News of the Near Future

In the face of mounting allegations that reporters hacked the phones of politicians, terror victims and missing children, Rupert Murdoch's News of the World newspaper will cease publication on Sunday. This is a great shame since the oldest English language paper will not be around to report on some of these exciting upcoming News Items of the Near Future:

July 10: Casey Anthony will be released from prison after serving 6 days for lying to police. She will reluctantly agree to pose for Playboy magazine after her application for a daycare license will be be denied. Florida child safety officials comment that they didn't have any issue with Anthony herself but felt her business partnership with Nadia "Octomom" Suleman was 'creepy'.

August 1: Just hours away from shaking hands on a new collective bargaining agreement, NFL owners and players will cancel the entire 2011/2012 season. Disappointed fans are shocked to learn that despite coming to terms on all issues that would have resumed play on time, both sides decided to call it quits to prevent Brett Favre from coming out of retirement one more time.

August 11: Pippa Middleton checks herself into rehab after an evening of drinks and dancing led to an all-night rendezvous with former "Jersey Shore" dude Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. While it's not clear whether Pippa was drinking, doing drugs or altering her mental state in any way, she was so horrified to find the reality TV star sun tanning on her balcony next morning she spent over an hour talking to the Suicide Prevention Hotline before checking herself into hospital. Friends hope that after a resumption of her standard diet of tea and cucumber sandwiches, she will make a full recovery.

August 28: After being unable to come to a new debt management arrangement, the US government will declare bankruptcy. Creditors move swiftly to seize whatever assets they could. Visitors to Washington DC have reported being dismayed at the changes as Chinese officials have taken possession of The Capitol, Smithsonian Museum and The Lincoln Memorial. The Obama's have moved in with Mrs. Obama's parents in Chicago after the IMF foreclosed on the White House. Mr. Obama is reportedly taking time to "work some stuff out" but the couple is expected to get back on the feet in the new year.

Sept 14: Pia Toscano's debut album will sell more copies in the first 24 hours than any other American Idol singer. Her unexpected elimination from the show has only raised interest in the sultry brunette singer, eclipsing releases from Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler. In a related story, Season 2 winner Ruben Studdard and Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks have both been promoted to shift managers at the Piggly Wiggly in Decatur, Georgie where they have both worked since 2009.

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