Tuesday, July 5, 2011

New Money For Debt

The Obama government is issuing more currency in an effort to prevent a national financial disaster. In a last ditch effort to balance the budget, and prevent federal bankruptcy, the Treasury Department will issue a new bill early next week. The new $3 bill, known as a "Thrice", will be introduced early next week and be available at banks, credit unions and casinos across the US.

All items currently listed for sale at $2 will be raised to $3 to stimulate circulation of the new bill. However, as this could leave to rampant inflation, all items currently between $1.25 and $1.75 will be reduced to $1. "This is certainly a wind-fall for the nation's dollar stores, swap meets and flea markets," commented consumer advocate Shirley Burns. "However I expect to see a gradual creep in prices for consumables such as fries, popcorn and funnel cakes at county fairs and ball parks."

"This new bill will re-inspire confidence in the government," said Treasury Department spokesman Phil Leggit. "We have chosen images which reflect stability, trust and reliability to remind Americans that this government stands behind what it issues." The front of the bill holds an image of Hugh Beaumont who played the father on the popular 1950's TV show "Leave It To Beaver". The reverse side holds an image of Congress passing the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act of 1930.

As an incentive for people to seek out the new legal tender, one thousand random bills have been printed with a hidden image of either astronaut Buzz Aldrin or TV personality Vanna White attending the congressional vote (nearly all historians agree neither were present when the Smoot-Hawley Tariff was enacted). People who find these bills can return them to the The Bureau of Engraving and Printing for their choice of a gift from the Spiegel catalogue up to a value of $150 (excluding Home and Garden items).

"This could also be a boon for linguophiles," commented Dr. Warren T. Abromowitz, Harvard's Dean of English and Language Studies. "Suddenly expressions such as 'Queer as a $3 bill' and 'Cheep as a $3 hooker' will take on real meaning in the English language."

Hookers could not be reached at the time of publishing for comment but a spokesperson for the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual and Transgendered community said they were considering lobbying to have the expression changed to 'Ignorant as a Klan member'.


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