Murdoch Defends Himself

Disgraced newspaper baron Rupert Murdoch is facing an inquisition by British lawmakers. The former "News of the World" owner and his son James are being grilled by Members of Parliament on their role in sanctioning illegal phone hacking. Murdoch has chosen an intriguing defense, however. He is justifying the actions of reporters by listing the controversial stories he forbid the paper from running:

• Tiger's ex Elin Nordegrin only agreed to date stock market investor Jamie Dingman after he signed agreement to never play golf again. He is also barred from wearing Nike clothes and shouting the phrase "Get In The Hole!!" during intimate moments.

• The Department of Homeland Security has barred actress Betty White from attending the Marine Corps Ball because her unusually high consumption of falafel was deemed to be "suspicious and un-American."
• Justin Bieber's near fatal addiction to cake led him to crash not only a wedding, but two retirement parties, a mall opening and the 5-year anniversary of The Shady Glen Retirement Home in Tarpon Springs, Florida.

• Tim Robbins prepared for his role in "The Shawshank Redemption" by imprisoning himself in his guesthouse for six weeks with comedian Flip Wilson.
• Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest were the secret financial backers of Michael Vick's dog-fighting business.
• A shortage of chilled bald eagle's blood on the campaign trail cause Michelle Bachmann's painful migraines.
• Constant judging of his singing and dancing led Marc Anthony to leave Jennifer Lopez for a "kindly deaf-mute girl."
• Technology upgrades to the Robot Katie Holmes include water resistance and suction mouth. Researchers working at Tom Cruise Scientological Industries are said to be close to a breakthrough on the 'holy grail' of Kung-Fu Grip.