Can Rene Russo Save Us?

As if the story was ripped right off the Silver Screen, Hollywood stars Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis have joined forces with the Russian Space Agency to save the International Space Station. Originally slated to begin orbit degradation and crash into the sea in 2020, a plan to restore the multi-billion dollar research facility has been thrown together hastily. Eastwood and Willis will spearhead a rag-tag bunch of lovable losers, several of whom have no apparent astronautic skills, and will blast off into space in what is likely a one-way trip unless every single critical detailed task occurs exactly as planned.

The two actors will be joined by:

• a wise-cracking demolitions expert that may have suffered irreparable nerve damage that could threaten the mission but cleverly hides it during pre-flight training,

• a female astronaut who was passed over for other flights eventhough she was the most talented crew member (Expect her to become more attractive over the duration of the mission),
• a cancer victim who has made peace with his fate and is willing to sacrifice himself to save others,
• a person of color who goes by the nick-name "Chief", "Tug" or "Sarge" whose quiet strength is admired by all the crew,
• an talented rookie who disrespects his own gifts and will likely throw it all away in a self-destructive fit unless he can come to respect his elders,
• a recovering alcoholic flight systems expert who relapses during the mission and makes a fatal error, and
• a suspicious European astronaut who may or may not be there to sabotage the mission.

Stephen Spielberg, who has agreed to oversee the mission for NASA, has promised that, while the mission time-lines may be tight, there should still be enough time for several poignant sunsets, a love interest for at least two crew members, some pithy dialogue about the meaning of life and enough explosions to catch Michael Bay's attention.

The mission plan contains no margin of error unless someone comes up with a hair-brained plan that is so crazy it just might work. It has to work, Dammit! (throws unlit, but well chewed cigar to the ground)