Friday, July 29, 2011

Friday Federal Debt Demotivation

The chances are good that the US will default on its debt over the weekend. Since that will mean the Internet, professional sports and Will Farrel movies will cease to exists, this will likely be Dogs & Jeans' Last Post. Take a few minutes to peruse past blogs and catch up on any laughs you missed before it's too late.

We shall say goodbye with a few debt-related Demotivated Posters.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Can Rene Russo Save Us?

As if the story was ripped right off the Silver Screen, Hollywood stars Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis have joined forces with the Russian Space Agency to save the International Space Station. Originally slated to begin orbit degradation and crash into the sea in 2020, a plan to restore the multi-billion dollar research facility has been thrown together hastily. Eastwood and Willis will spearhead a rag-tag bunch of lovable losers, several of whom have no apparent astronautic skills, and will blast off into space in what is likely a one-way trip unless every single critical detailed task occurs exactly as planned.

The two actors will be joined by:
  • a wise-cracking demolitions expert that may have suffered irreparable nerve damage that could threaten the mission but cleverly hides it during pre-flight training,
  • a female astronaut who was passed over for other flights eventhough she was the most talented crew member (Expect her to become more attractive over the duration of the mission),
  • a cancer victim who has made peace with his fate and is willing to sacrifice himself to save others,
  • a person of color who goes by the nick-name "Chief", "Tug" or "Sarge" whose quiet strength is admired by all the crew,
  • an talented rookie who disrespects his own gifts and will likely throw it all away in a self-destructive fit unless he can come to respect his elders,
  • a recovering alcoholic flight systems expert who relapses during the mission and makes a fatal error, and
  • a suspicious European astronaut who may or may not be there to sabotage the mission.
Stephen Spielberg, who has agreed to oversee the mission for NASA, has promised that, while the mission time-lines may be tight, there should still be enough time for several poignant sunsets, a love interest for at least two crew members, some pithy dialogue about the meaning of life and enough explosions to catch Michael Bay's attention.

The mission plan contains no margin of error unless someone comes up with a hair-brained plan that is so crazy it just might work. It has to work, Dammit! (throws unlit, but well chewed cigar to the ground)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Radical Islam Reverses Aging

Forget botox, skin peels and aggressive collagen treatments. Switching to radical Muslimism may be the best way to recapture your youth. According to Fox News, Abdel Basset al-Megrahi the man behind the 1988 Lockerbie bombing that killed 270 airline passengers, is alive and well and participating in the pro-Qaddafi movement in Libya. Why this is significant, you may wonder, is because when he was released from a British prison 2 years ago, the man was given only 3 months to live!

Instead of succumbing to his illness, Mr. al-Megrahi re-embraced his fervent pro-Islamic past and appears to be rejuvenated! Doctors are baffled at how chanting "Death to America" could act as a fountain of youth, but one expert thinks he may have the answer.

"It's all about denying the truth," claims Dr. Abdul Mohammed-Muhammad of the Institute for Islamic Studies in Qatar. "Moderate Islam is similar to most other religions: reverence for life, thankfulness to a higher power, obtaining an awareness or reality and so on. Radical Islam, however, is all about rejecting the evidence that people are responsible for their own behavior and life choices and blaming others for their lot in life. We train people to ignore all the proof that corrupt Arab governments cause poverty and political instability and instead teach that the West causes our joblessness, misery and unrest."

When asked how this results in an apparent reversing of aging, the professor smiles.

"That is just an extension of that same denial," Mohammed-Muhammad explains. "As the expression says, 'You are only as old as you feel.' If I have been trained to ignore what my eyes see and my heart feels, then when I look in the mirror, I see a young healthy man. If I'm told I will die of cancer in six months, my ears hear I am as healthy as a camel. The body just follows what the deluded brain tells it."

Dr. Mohammed-Muhammad asserts that the terrorist practice of suicide bombing arose as a method of population control. "Fanatics were living so long and growing so healthy, there was going to be no room for new generations. They just wouldn't die! An aggressive approach to killing off seemingly immortal terrorists was needed." But the mind-over-matter effect of some radicals carried on after death. "Even blown to pieces, we have found hands and feet that continue to move on their own as if nothing happened."

(Note: The suicide bomber pictured here is actually 61 years old!)

Currently the Institute is working on harnessing this mind-power into more positive areas such as turning base metals into gold through thought and non-powered human flight.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Next Big Stocks?

animal house cast financial gurus
Today's massive slip of tech stocks on the NASDAQ is just another signal that the technology wave that began in the 90's is over. As it did with resource extraction, banking and transportation, investment follow a life cycle of boom and bust. The wise investor is always looking to the horizon to identify where the "smart money" is going. But where will Wall Street see the next big surge and how can you get in on the ground floor? Dogs and Jeans Financial Guru's have some ideas:
  • Time Travel - People who wished they could have put $1000 into US Steel in 1901, Ford Motor Co in 1919 or IBM in 1964 can understand the need to go back in time. Investing in the time machine industry will show double benefits: sales of the technology itself as well as the compounding benefit of past-time investments. Also, you might finally be able to go back and use that condom you didn't think was necessary that one time.

  • Clothes for Dogs - Why should humans be the only well dressed animals? In much the same way advertisers have shamed women into using formula instead of free, readily available breast milk, a targeted marketing campaign could force owners to get jeans and sweaters onto their little pooches. (Disclaimer: Dogs and Jeans reserves the right to all profits from dog jeans, dog pants and dog slacks. Dog jeggings not included in this because that would be silly.)

    anti-aging treatement ad look younger
  • Anti-aging 3-D Software - Everyone knows that appearances are important but why waste all that money in clinical research into collagen, elastin and ungulate afterbirth treatments? The Internet abounds with advertisements showing a wrinkled, late 50's woman (the before) and her smooth-skinned, but hazy, youthful after photo. No injections, creams or ointments are necessary as long as the right photoshop effects are employed. The logical extension is to apply this to actual people out ont he street, surrounding us all with a gauzy film to obscure skin blemishes.

  • Butter Churns and Spinning Wheels - Just a hunch, but there could be a boom in the return to labour intensive devices as people yearn for a simpler, and less tolerant, time. Significant returns from ancillary products like boned corsets, penny-farthings and moustache wax may also be available. Be aware that a shortage of hand tools to fashion these devices could drive costs through the roof. Start hoarding now!

    katy perry cone bra magazine cover
  • Over-sized Novelty Clothing - From giant foam cowboy hats to Katy Perry's cone bras, the trend towards marginally hilarious and sexually confusing articles of clothes is slowly gaining momentum. Investors with some foresight can understand the appeal of buying up stock of companies who specialize in making Frankenstein shoes, enormous sunglasses and yoga pants big enough for Kim Kardashian's butt.

  • Video Rental Stores - No wait. Forget that, unless you also have the Time Machine from above.

  • Money Printers - The likelihood that the US government will ever get out of debt shrinks each day. What better way for the average American to get ahead than by printing their own dollar bills in the comfort of their own home? This new industry has international potential as America's financial meltdown will lead to a global crisis. Make sure you invest in companies whose printing presses can be retooled for euros, yen and pesos.

  • Dr. Drew - Dogs and Jeans Financial Gurus don't normally recommend "personality" investments (like Oprah, Martha Stewart or The Brady Bunch's Chris Knight) but for Dr. Drew we will make an exception. At the current rate of growth of his own shows, the popular TV doctor will occupy 80% of all English speaking broadcasts by 2016. A timely investment in  Dr. Pinsky will secure a return of more than 300% for the savvy investor especially if the trend towards celebrities becoming addicted and dying continues. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

Praise and Demotivation

Today's post is not an unpublished Tolstoy novel (although I'm sure it would be a terrific read). I'm just sharing some of the accolades received so far on the first chapter of "Lost Armada". This will be followed by a light stretch and then the regular Friday Demotivational Posters.

What People Are Saying About Lost Armada:
"There sure are a lot of words and each one means something different" - Daniel Radcliffe

"Reading this has made me re-think my career choice of comedy." - Tina Fey

"Beep boop (whistle) boop beep." - R2D2

"The fluid language and narrative voice rival Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited in elegance, humor, and style. The characters and plot development, so rich, absorbing, and at once triumphant and tragic, put this fine novel in the same class as Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby." - Paris Hilton

Thank you everyone. Those are wonderful compliments indeed.

And now for something completely different...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Secret NFL Deals

Team owners are expected to vote and pass a new NFL collective bargaining agreement today. If the deal is then ratified by the Players' Association, the 4-month long lockout could be over in time for the August preseason games. The new deal contains the standard terms regarding the numbers of games and salaries along with new free-agency rules.

There are, however, some surprising new conditions that have made their way into the agreement, many of which will affect players and fans alike:
  • Inez Sainz is required to visit each team's locker room at least once a season.
  • Players have the option of either soaking the winning coach in Gatorade, or covering him with delicious marzipan.
  • Computer generated yellow scrimmage line to flash advertisements for feminine hygiene products and discount car insurance.
  • The Black Eyed Peas must maintain a 500 yard distance from all future Superbowl half-time shows.
  • In the event of a tie game, overtime will include two balls.
  • To capitalize on movie advertising, new expansion teams must adopt the following nicknames: "Transformers", "The Deathly Hallows" or "Friends With Benefits".
  • As in Canadian Football, a missed field goal that is kicked through the end zone will be worth 2 points. A third point will be awarded if the ball knocks off a the block of cheese from a Packer fan's head.

  • Stadium operating costs will be reduced by replacing motorized first aid cars with the tiny Chuck Wagon Dog Food cart.
  • Meaningless late season games that have no play-off impact are to enhanced by the mandatory inclusion of six fans drawn at random to 'come into the game'.
  • This season's weekly game points totals will be used as estimates for federal debt levels.
  • Rookies must spend one week each season babysitting for Brad and Angelina.
  • Cheerleaders are encouraged to adopt more "macrame-based" outfits.
July 22 Update: Still no deal! What's it going to take to get these two sides together? Haven't the owners and players all spent enough time meeting in hotel conference rooms with tepid coffee, marginal egg salad sandwiches and hookers with "more than a few miles" on them?

I say we fans start our own league. My uncle has a big yard and my mom can sew the uniforms.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Bachmann's Background

Michelle Backmann's near meteoric rise in support has put her in a solid second place in the nomination race. However, her 16% of GOP backing has brought on a renewed scrutiny to her past. With some of the revelations, it is likely her rise in popularity will stall as her judgement is questioned:
  • Had her physique digitally "slimmed down" like in 'Captain America'.
  • Got a great deal on campaign office computers, from China's fake Apple store.
  • Never washes her towels since "you are already clean when you use them."
  • Takes the same self-defense class as Wendi Murdoch but focuses more on seltzer bottle attacks.
  • Considers herself to be the unofficial "6th" Pussycat Doll.
  • Her amateur taxidermy has been known to frighten young and old alike.
  • Convinced Octomom that fertility treatments would be the perfect way to get Angelina Jolie to notice her.
  • Her foreign policy consists of speaking loudly and slowly to Canadian tourists.
  • Promoted Green Lantern to Warner Brothers as the super-hero "even more popular" than Spiderman or Batman.
  • Endorsed the expansion of the CFL into the US.
  • Her debt crisis solution? Coupons!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Murdoch Defends Himself

Disgraced newspaper baron Rupert Murdoch is facing an inquisition by British lawmakers. The former "News of the World" owner and his son James are being grilled by Members of Parliament on their role in sanctioning illegal phone hacking. Murdoch has chosen an intriguing defense, however. He is justifying the actions of reporters by listing the controversial stories he forbid the paper from running:
  • Tiger's ex Elin Nordegrin only agreed to date stock market investor Jamie Dingman after he signed agreement to never play golf again. He is also barred from wearing Nike clothes and shouting the phrase "Get In The Hole!!" during intimate moments.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Where Can Casey Anthony Hide?

Casey Anthony was released from jail this weekend after nearly four years. However, it is unlikely she could resume her old life after the trial. Because of the vast number of people who claim to "hate" the acquitted mother of Caylee Anthony, Casey will need to find somewhere she can live in anonymity. But were in this 24/7 news and Facebook world can she go where she won't be seen?
July 19 Update: Rumors are swirling that Casey Anthony has fled to Iran!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Friday - WTF Marketing

Sex sells. Sometimes guilt sells. And when all else fails, advertizing professionals just try to confuse the hell out of us.

But Nutella sells itself.