Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Safe from Cell Phones?

The fears of many cell phone users have been confirmed. The World Health Organization has released a long-awaited study showing a "possible link" between cell phone use and brain cancer. While the study fails to show a strong health concern from daily use of cell phones, many notable people are taking no risks and changing their lifestyles to protect themselves.

  • Kim Zolciak, the star of the reality show “Real Housewives of Atlanta” has had a baby that she hopes to use as a buffer between her and her phone. Zolciak plans to let the baby absorb the low level electromagnetic frequencies while she chats with her friends about her nails, her ex-husband and the hot gardener.
  • Dallas Mavericks' forward Dirk Nowitzki has believed that his 7' height is enough to keep him safe from any radiation. However, just to be on the safe side, the basketball star will now stand on a chair while phoning.
  • Someone at a party recently told LeAnn Rimes that cancer causing radiation can be stored in the body's fat cells. Rimes has since gone on an aggressive campaign to rid herself of any adipose tissue. She admits that such efforts cause excessive unconsciousness, but when she is awake, she feels terrific.
  • Kevin Bacon fears he may already be affected by his cell phone, but vows to "dance until the pain goes away."
One voice contradicting the WHO study is the recently deceased Will Smith. Having died over the holiday weekend, Smith was brought back to life when the phone in his shirt pocket rang sending pulf of EMF into his head. "There I was at The Pearly Gates, then BOOM! The phone rings!" an animated Smith told reporters. "St. Peter said, 'It's for you'. Next thing I know I'm back!" Smith has made 2 feature films in the past 48 hours telling his story: one an action film with car chases and cell phone explosions, and the other about a good man down on his luck whose cell phone saves the life of his crippled daughter.


Michelle said...

Kim wondered why her friends couldn't hear her until she realized she was talking into the baby's bottle and the baby was sucking on her flip phone.

*Why a flip phone? Because I hate her.

Trooper Thorn said...

Michelle: Interesting. During the interview, she told me you two were "BFF's".

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