Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Heavenly Virgin Crisis

Things in Heaven are not all that “heavenly” these days, according to a spokes-angel for St. Peter. “The current effectiveness of America’s War on Terror is really putting a strain on resources right now. But the killing of Osama bin Laden has really put the issue of virgins front and center.”

The practice of providing 72 virgins for jihadi martyrs had been a component of Heaven’s supply chain management for several years now. Initially the demand was so high, AR (Angelic Resources) began to reduce the designated number of virgins per martyr to 52 plus a set of luggage. However, recent improvements in intelligence to prevent suicide bombings created a glut in the market. Excess virgins have been temporarily re-distributed to non-martyr duty. “We have really bolstered the mezzo-soprano sections of several heavenly choirs as well as providing some long needed back-filling for seraphim and cherubim positions.”

In the past six months, the situation has become critical as jihadists have actually been executed, preventing them from satisfying the conditions of martyrdom and forfeiting their cohort of virgins entirely. “Bin Laden’s gone. Kauput! Not showing up ever, so now we have unallocated virgins” complained the spokes-angel. “It’s not like we can give his 52 virgins to somebody else. Every Amber, Stephanie, Scott and Taylor, male and female, is designed specifically for each martyr. From giving pleasure, to listening to terrorist manifestos for hours on end, this is a very unique skill set.”

Surprisingly, salvation may come in the form of the Devil. “One man’s angel is another man’s demon,” Skyped a chipper Beelzebub later in the day. “We’ve found empty-headed, needy, sexually-confused individuals make splendid tormentors. With very little training, these surplus virgins could provide excellent suffering to a variety of Hell’s residents from Wall Street executives and people who park in handicapped spaces all the way to Osama himself.”

In a surprising revelation, unclaimed luggage sets from heaven is re-routed to carousels at LaGuardia, Dulles, O'Hare, Denver and LAX where they continue to revolve in perpetuity, teasing recently arrived travelers that their bags might be coming soon. 


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