Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Heavenly Virgin Crisis

Things in Heaven are not all that “heavenly” these days, according to a spokes-angel for St. Peter. “The current effectiveness of America’s War on Terror is really putting a strain on resources right now. But the killing of Osama bin Laden has really put the issue of virgins front and center.”



The practice of providing 72 virgins for jihadi martyrs had been a component of Heaven’s supply chain management for several years now. Initially the demand was so high, AR (Angelic Resources) began to reduce the designated number of virgins per martyr to 52 plus a set of luggage. However, recent improvements in intelligence to prevent suicide bombings created a glut in the market. Excess virgins have been temporarily re-distributed to non-martyr duty. “We have really bolstered the mezzo-soprano sections of several heavenly choirs as well as providing some long needed back-filling for seraphim and cherubim positions.”


In the past six months, the situation has become critical as jihadists have actually been executed, preventing them from satisfying the conditions of martyrdom and forfeiting their cohort of virgins entirely. “Bin Laden’s gone. Kauput! Not showing up ever, so now we have unallocated virgins” complained the spokes-angel. “It’s not like we can give his 52 virgins to somebody else. Every Amber, Stephanie, Scott and Taylor, male and female, is designed specifically for each martyr. From giving pleasure, to listening to terrorist manifestos for hours on end, this is a very unique skill set.”


Surprisingly, salvation may come in the form of the Devil. “One man’s angel is another man’s demon,” Skyped a chipper Beelzebub later in the day. “We’ve found empty-headed, needy, sexually-confused individuals make splendid tormentors. With very little training, these surplus virgins could provide excellent suffering to a variety of Hell’s residents from Wall Street executives and people who park in handicapped spaces all the way to Osama himself.”

In a surprising revelation, unclaimed luggage sets from heaven is re-routed to carousels at LaGuardia, Dulles, O'Hare, Denver and LAX where they continue to revolve in perpetuity, teasing recently arrived travelers that their bags might be coming soon. 

6 comments:

Viora care said...

One of the most enduring longines replica styles for 2013 is the military coat. Military applications have been slowly emerging from the shadows during the last few years and their current popularity on the catwalks attests they have come of age. Look for long fake panerai applications with wide lapels and strong button details. For a military-influenced style that won’t date, stick to serious fake breitling watches like black, dull or navy – one of this year’s on-trend colours – avoiding the bright red variations that cartier replica uk occasionally cropped up during the last decade. Over the years, you grow as hublot replica sale and as a couple, bringing out the best in each other, with every passing day.

Hua Cai said...

true religion jeans, http://www.truereligionoutletstore.us.com
nhl jerseys
new orleans saints jerseys
custom mlb jerseys
coach outlet
nike outlet store
christian louboutin sale
abercrombie
cheap oakley sunglasses
burberry outlet online, http://www.burberryoutletonlinestore.com.co
hogan
chanel outlet
louis vuitton outlet
coach outlet online
cheap nhl jerseys
cheap nba jerseys, http://www.nbajerseys.us.com
oakley,occhiali oakley,oakley italia,oakley occhiali,oakley sunglasses
mizuno running
michael kors handbags
tods outlet
washington redskins jerseys
nike free 5.0
lululemon outlet, http://www.yogapants.us.com
moncler coats
longchamp handbags
adidas shoes
converse shoes
foamposite gold
replica watches
los angeles clippers jerseys
iphone 6 cases
jordan shoes
louis vuitton outlet
marc jacobs outlet
rolex watches,rolex watches,swiss watches,watches for men,watches for women,omega watches,replica watches,rolex watches for sale,rolex replica,rolex watch,cartier watches,rolex submariner,fake rolex,rolex replica watches,replica rolex
2015820caihuali

Meiqing Xu said...

15828meiqing
louis vuitton
louis vuitton
michael kors outlet
hollister clothing
mcm handbags
jordan 8s
ray ban sunglasses
louis vuitton handbags
nike huaraches
abercrombie
replica watches
oakley sunglasses
true religion jeans
coach outlet store online
ugg boots outlet
christian louboutin
coach outlet
nike huarache
louis vuitton outlet
hollister
hollister kids
barbour jackets
louis vuitton handbags
abercrombie fitch
michael kors handbags
nike sb shoes
gucci outlet
cheap uggs
replica watches
coach outlet store online
burberry outlet online
abercrombie outlet
ray ban glasses
pandora charms
louis vuitton handbags
uggs on sale
mont blanc
ghd hair straighteners
louis vuitton handbags
michael kors handbags

艾丰 said...

jianbin0322
christian louboutin online
tiffany outlet
oakley sunglasses
michael kors online
prada handbags
michael kors outlet
michael kors handbags
rolex watches
ray-ban sunglasses
nba jerseys
longchamp handbags
cheap jordans
fitflop clearance
coach outlet
louis vuitton handbags
soccer jerseys
juicy couture tracksuit
links of london
adidas wings
michael kors outlet online
louis vuitton outlet store
fitflop sale
air jordan 11
true religion outlet
nike air force 1
true religion outlet
jordan shoes 2015
snapbacks wholesale
nike roshe
nhl jerseys
michael kors handbags
michael kors outlet online
basketball shoes

mmjiaxin said...

michael kors handbags
tiffany and co jewellery
http://www.oakleyoutlet-store.com
adidas tubular
longchamp uk
michael kors handbags clearance
nike air huarache
hogan outlet online
cheap oakley sunglasses
michael kors outlet online
gg

chenmeinv0 said...

tory burch sale
toms outlet
ugg classic
beats by dre headphones
louis vuitton bags
cheap ugg boots
longchamp handbags
polo ralph lauren outlet
north face outlet
moncler kids
2017.1.19xukaimin